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The way parents talk about each other in front of their children can quietly affect the child’s emotional health, well-being, and relationship with both parents. In this episode, Dr. Alexandra explores the “boomerang effect” and explains why criticizing or putting down a spouse, partner, or ex-partner can ultimately damage the relationship between the criticizing parent and their child. Drawing on a 2018 study of nearly 1,000 young adults, Dr. Alexandra explains what researchers found about parental denigration—the act of speaking negatively about one parent to the child. The research connects greater conflict between parents with more depressive symptoms in children, greater emotional pain, and lower satisfaction with life. These findings applied to both married and divorced families. You’ll discover:
- How children may become less close to the parent who is doing the criticizing.
- How conflict between parents is associated with depressive symptoms in their children
- How parental conflict can contribute to lower life satisfaction for children
- How children may experience emotional pain even when they seem to agree with one parent
- How children blame the attacking parent for the divorce
- How body language, facial expressions, and private conversations within earshot can affect children
- How to interrupt negative communication patterns, even when they have continued for generations
Dr. Alexandra also speaks compassionately to parents who feel hurt, resentful, or unjustly treated. She explains why defending yourself by attacking the other parent can continue the cycle, and why changing these patterns may require support from a therapist, psychologist, or from your faith community.If you are a parent, stepparent, co-parent, or part of a divorced family, this episode offers research, perspective, and hope. The central message is simple: when children are exposed to one parent putting down the other, the emotional harm can affect the child—and eventually boomerang back into the relationship with the criticizing parent.
PS from Dr. Alexandra: I'm only human - in the recording I accidentally referred to the study as 2020, but it is 2018 in Family Relations. Also note: I have found in my 20+ years of private practice that the criticism by one parent of the other may "work" short term but in the long term, especially as they reach adulthood, kids will flip and have greater resentment for the parent who does the attacking. Ideally, both parents will stay mindful and refrain from attack - stay tuned for the next episode on one strategy to stop.
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to the boomerang effect and parental denigration
00:32 Research overview: Effects of parental denigration on young adults
01:47 Impact on child-parent closeness and emotional well-being
03:00 Divorce, blame, and the long-term effects of conflict
04:00 Why avoiding negative talk benefits both parents and children
04:57 Practical advice for parents: Be mindful of what you say
05:56 The importance of body language and overall communication
07:11 Changing ingrained family habits and seeking support
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