My name is Ellen Meyer I am delighted to welcome you to your new gathering place,a hub of fresh encounters, inspiration, courage and life skills that will help you realise and fulfil the purpose that you have been created for – while living in joy and abundance throughout the journey. This is an interactive conversational lifestyle podcast. I would like to accompany you my friend, wherever you are – whether it be on your lunch break, in a traffic jam, or just looking for some fresh motivation and encouragement. For this podcast to truly make a difference – really listen, reflect and engage. There may just be something that you need to be reminded of today.
What I am going to share with you today is a message which I believe is so powerful that it can open your eyes to see your world in a way that you have perhaps never considered it before. I believe this will enrich the quality of your life and transform the way we think about ourselves as women - that is - if we would let it. It is a very simple concept –but one not to be underestimated. I’ve seen and experienced its power and I hope that it will be valuable to you, too.
Frustration and Discontentment
So here we go: I believe that as I am speaking to you now, there are some of us who are frustrated and deeply unfulfilled. For some, it is momentary but frequent, for some it is an ever-present discontentment that lingers quietly in the background and for others – it overpowers your entire world. It affects you deeply and may even flow over into your relationships.
Everywhere we look, we find “experts” that are trying to tell us what we need to do to or how we need to look to finally feel fulfilled. Ten steps to achieve this or that, buy this book or buy this course and then finally achieve the joy you so long for. This constant unchanging message implies that happiness will not arrive until we have accomplished certain things. It has us convinced that life will get better if we just take certain steps, whether it be to start a new business, change our job or even change your spouse, if the current one is not living up to expectations. However, if joy remains at the endless thread of things to do or to change, this strategy will leave us always thinking that we haven’t done or achieved enough. Because, let’s be honest, how many of us HAVE read that book, or taken the ten steps towards whatever and… fulfilment still remained so distant.
In this podcast, I would like to help you evaluate your life, honestly and identify the source of your frustration and what to do with it. It will cost you – the time that you invest to spend on a few deep reflections.
Just to give you a little background on what motivated me to write this:
Through no plan or ambition of my own, it so happened that I have lived in different cultures and countries and I am connected to women all around the world. And do you know what…? Regardless of geography, culture or generation – it is astounding how much we actually have in common. For example, the longing to be recognized, to mean something, to have a voice… All of us desire to be heard, all of us want to be affirmed and appreciated in some form or another. Most of us want to feel secure in the outcome of situations and that our lives make a difference. “Making a difference” looks different for everyone depending on your passion, your natural and acquired gifts, and what touches your heart. But all of us want to know that our lives matter.
I have also seen a common thread amongst many women - myself included - when it comes to knowing that we are valuable, accepted and affirmed. I will generalize my examples, but this is what I observe: I see women yearning to meet “the one” who will completethem. I see women strivingto prove themselves in the workplace – both in the corporate or entrepreneurial world. Then at home – the hustle and the friction continues with decisions such as whether to start or grow a family – which spouse takes on which role and the wrestle for your place.
All over the world and through the years I see us wanting the next thingand the next step. We hardly arrive at the subsequent step, we hardly pause for a moment to embrace the present - when the next level beckons. And ifwhatever we deem to be the consecutive step does not happen as hoped or as culture dictates then – that is where unrest and disappointment starts to fester. And friends, it is SO important to recognize if we find ourselves in the midst of such in this endless circle.
Dreams are Goals are Good
Now please do not hear what I am not saying – wanting to make progress is a good thing. I am the world’s greatest advocate for having dreams and being goals orientated. It is important to have things to work towards and look forward to. Working towards milestones formally or informally is – in my opinion non negotiable for a fulfilled life. However - when our level of joy is directly tied to the accomplishment or the steps on our plan, it may mean that we are not appreciating the journey or the people or the experiences on the way to the destination. When analysing your level and frequency of discontent and frustration please hear me: NO ONE on this side of heaven lives in a state of constant euphoria – where there is rarely a down moment. No one is ALWAYS happy! This is an illusion. But on the other hand – when joy and fulfilment seems like a mysterious fairy-tale – it would like to assure you today that there is another way, because it is attainable.
Here are some signs how you can identify if that itchy, naggy, persistent restlessness is something that needs a bit of attention:
When discontent lingers and you find that your ebbs and flows - are more like ebbs and ebbs. When joy seems like an elusive unattainable something in the distance that you never seem to reach.
Resentment and blame.When you start to feel resentment towards a situation (often one that you can’t change) or your spouse or your children - feeling like they are somehow responsible for you not having the life you should have.
When you find that you become dependent on stuffto get you through the day or night – it could be compulsive shopping or comfort eating or waiting for wine o’ clock to strike. If our goal is to just get through the day– we are wasting precious moments.
If you look back on your life more than you look forward. When you start to have nagging regrets that you would have been so much happier IF… you took a different turn, IF you made different decisions, studied something else or married the one who got away…
If you look forward, with unrealistic wishes or idealistic expectations of life - because you have convinced yourself that you “would be so much happier or worthy - when you achieve that qualification or promotion or when you finally get to wear that white dress… or have those little arms wrapped around your neck… or when you fit into that smaller size dress.
Friend, whatever it is on your distant horizon, in the deepest place of your disappointment - just know that – you truly are not aloneand know that there is a way through this. But it is a way, which does not consist of quick fixes or temporary distractions that will only take your mind or heart off what is reallythe problem.
Today’s talk is not simply about mindfulness and being present – this is way beyond that. This has to do with: WHO you ARE and NOT WHAT you DO. It has to do with the fact that YOU have been lovingly created. It has to do with the reason why you have been created – which is BIGGER than you – and it is connected to fulfilment and wholeness. I would like you to take a deep breath, yes… breathe… you are ALIVE my friend. And do you know what? You have life to LIVE and to GIVE, YOU are worthy.
I would like you STOP - tying your joy, your worth, and your happiness to another thing that you have to DO or to ACHIEVE. Consider the wonderful possibility that you do not have to prove yourself to anyone to be valuable. YOU ARE PRECIOUS beyond words, just being you.
Hold on to that knowledge – that fact – that you are worthy (even if the media - you yourself or someone else is telling you lies that you are not good or clever, thin or successful enough. You are more than enough just on your own. Your value is not tied to other people’s opinion of success in your life or your accomplishments. It is so important that this becomes an immovable rock of truth in your life – for some of us that will take some time to establish, as we may have believed for so long that we need to adhere to some imaginary standard, to mean something.
Our Connection with Others
Now - let us take this one step further. I am convinced that our level of fulfilment and joy increases in our connection with others. Not in their approval or praise of you – but - in relationship. In you and I relating to others in a meaningful way to them – in us being intentional in adding value to others in sharing who you are. You – you have a story that has made you who you are. When we look away from our immediate struggle and look around – you will find that even in our brokenness – you have meaning. You have hand to hold. But there is a catch – whatever we give to another – our joy becomes complete only when we don’t’ necessarily expect something in return. It has taken me a lifetime to even start to scratch the surface of this inconceivable paradox – but it is life transforming.
So - open your eyes and evaluate what and who is in your world. YOU are someone’s, someone… You have a sphere of people who surround you; you are someone’s daughter, friend, sister, wife or mum. Moreover, you interact with strangers in your sphere, whether it is at the bakery or supermarket at work or school. It is time that you realise that your sphere is your opportunity.You hold a world in your hands. And what I am about to tell you is so simple, yet so significant. Do you know why – because you have been entrusted with a world, with people and relationships… and not for no reason. No - YOU are the guardian of YOUR galaxy.
It is important to note that we do not own these relationships but we are guardians of them. We do not own our partner, friends or even our children – but we have an amazing opportunity to look outside of ourselves and make a difference. Instead of looking at what we do not have – if we evaluate what and whom we have and how we could intentionally make a difference in their lives – an amazing thing happens: meaning, purpose and joy starts to seep in through something as little as a smile or act of kindness and thoughtfulness.
I am not sure what your belief system is – I will share with you what I believe – but I totally respect that everyone has a different faith journey and you off course have the right to disagree with me. The reason why I speak about my convictions is because I believe that it can truly help you. And for far too long – I did not realise the power of such simple truths. So, I hope that you would take a chance in trusting that what I share is relevant also for you.
I believe that God ultimately leads our life.Years have taught me how little control I have over situations and other people. But I believe that - when we are in tune with Him, we are at our most fulfilled. In other words – I think that unhappiness is sometimes caused because we may be doing something we are not made to do or that the timing that God has determined is not ours. Naturally, there are difficult seasons where we sacrifice for the right things – but if it persistently fails to be fruitful - it is worth re-looking our course of action - asking why there is no fruit and no joy.
So – I believe that God has made each of us thoughtfully with so many gifts, to flourish. These gifts do not need to be - a great singing voice or an Einstein brain - (thank goodness, or else I would be hopeless) it could be the ability to relate to others, a warm smile, or the ability to love people well, a compassionate heart or a flair to create. YOU are completely unique in the way that you and your gifts work together – and you are entirely capable to make a positive impact and be fulfilled. Believe it!
If you would like your world to be better or to live in a better world –you need to begin in you galaxy. We need to start in our home and our world.
If we want to have circumstance changed – we need to accept responsibility to take the first step towards that change. Looking back in regret or forward in blame will not help – but the secret is hidden in making the most of what and who you have.
If you have been in a place of discontent or frustration - I would like to take you through a simple exercise. The goal of this exercise is NOT to tell you that you will be joyful when you do XYX – the goal is for you to find the joy in where you are and what is in your world right now.
If you are driving or unable to write at this moment – listen to these questions, reflect and then come back to them later, writing down your response.
Taking the time to write the answer to these questions will be very valuable to you.
- How would you define or describe yourself? (Include some strengths and weaknesses).
Now, I will briefly elaborate on why these questions merit reflection and how they might help you:
- How would you define or describe yourself?
It is important that you really know yourself – or get to know yourself. Often that only happens by observing yourself through different seasons, in different situations, social or solitary. Life experiences teach youthings about yourself that you did not know. I guarantee that you will discover that you are great at some and terrible at other things. My point is that – even in the discovery of yourself as you change through life’s seasons, there is joy to be found in knowing how you were made and how you grow and change and what makes you come alive. You are unique - there not one description that would look exactly the same.
- When I talk about situations of discontent, what comes to mind?
Example, you are still single oryour husband gets to work and you are at home orlife with small children is draining oryou are stuck in a rat race oryou limited by finances.
List what is heavy for you and then we will move on to question three:
- How would you describe a perfect day or life? What would that look like to you? How does this look different than the life you currently lead?
I will give you an example: At one point in my life, I was in a transition and was looking for the next thing. I was a career girl, but realised the corporate world for me - was not conducive to being a good mum to a small child with no family around and I finally came up with the idea that I wanted to own a coffee shop. I dreamed of how I would furnish it and what it would look like. I dreamed of all the wonderful friends that I would make. I did research and was frustrated that I could not find the perfect venue at the right price. One day, I spoke to a friend and he asked me a simple question: he said, if you have a coffee shop what role would you play? I thought it was obvious. I said, “Well I would run the shop”. Yes, he said, but what would that entail? I realised, I did not run through the daily tasks of running a coffee shop realistically. Because in my mind, we would have a team to do different things, but in reality – in the beginning – I would likely have to do MOST things. I gave him a vague answer, knowing that I failed to truly think through this. And this reflection led me to some revelations such as:
I would need to open the shop before school, which would mean that I would give up the special time that I spend with my son in the morning. Secondly though I enjoy baking the occasional cake – I would likely need to bake every day – I do not even like being in the kitchen – not to mention cleaning up my own mess! And not to mention being a cashier or doing the books!
I realised that I would LOVE to design and set up a coffee shop, I would love to gather people and build friendship over coffees - but running a coffee shop will be so much more than that. I finally realised that the dream was a bit of an illusion and the timing was all wrong – in reality it would be much better suited to my husband who is a chef - I was frustrated for all the wrong reasons. But I learned a valuable lesson:
Think through the illusions of your dreams.Make an actual plan. Speak to different people who have done the same thing and make informed decisions, in fact, let the dreams that motivate you, be your genuine desire and not just a vague idea. Sometimes, we could be dissatisfied in a perfectly perfect life in pursuit of a little magical little fable, which does not exist, and you may find yourself in a terrible predicament in business or marriage.
- What or who, do you compare your life with?
Whoever they are or whatever you are comparing your life with. Simply stop. It is the most futile exercise – it will either give you an inflated ego misleading you to think that you are better or more successful than whoever you are looking at OR it will deceive you to think that someone else has a better marriage, home or life than you have. This is definite joy killer. Simply stop comparing.
- I asked you to make a list of the people that are in your everyday world. When you have done that, ask yourself, how can I add value to their life? Relationships are riches. Personally, I mistakenly believed that I needed to have a successful career or business to be fulfilled. I tied my worth to the financial contribution that I could make to my family. I still sometimes catch myself doing that. But I realised that I could add significant value to the people in my life in a non-financial manner, through creativity, attentiveness, being thoughtful and caring. All the years of being an equal financial contributor in my family – did not have a fraction of the impact until I started thinking of creative ways to meet them in their actual place of need. It took me - laying down some of myself – and being intentional about caring for the people in my world. Imagine that!
When I stopped thinking about what I do not have, and started thinking of what is in my world and how I could make a difference there. Everything changed.I started truly listening to my husband – to what is heavy for him to carry and started making an effort to lighten what was burdening him. When my son came home, I was present to listen to his day, putting in the effort to meet him where he is at. I have come up with such fun projects and have forged such a close friendship with my little boy. I started experiencing such fulfilment in making the most of my world just as it is, that I realised that I missed what was right in front of me for so long.
The Potential in Your World
Your world may look completely different than mine – but it holds no less potential. But there are people in your world with who you can make a difference just being you and showing them that you care about what is important to them.
For example: Instead of being depressed if you are single – use the time and flexibility that you have to build relationships that last. Trust me – you don’t know how long this freedom will last and what an opportunity this is. If you are married, think about how you can stand by him and be a true partner in the journey to share in the highs and lows of life. Or if you feel stuck in an unhappy marriage – try – with no expectations - to add value to his life in new and thoughtful ways every day and see what happens. Consistency is key here, nothing happens overnight. I would just like to add – when I talk about unhappy marriage, I am not talking about abusive situations. In these cases, I urge you to reach out and get help.
Friends, you will be amazed how simple things such as CELEBRATING the successes of others, LISTENING to those around you and KNOWING that even in the most exhausting, frustrating seasons, you are able to shape and form lives. None of our situations is forever – unique opportunities present itself even in the most challenging or limiting conditions. It can trap you or … unlock a world of possibilities. You are the guardian of the hearts of your friendships, your husband and child; you could set those hearts aflame with love, kindness, selflessness and generosity.
This podcast deals with the issue that most of us face at some point: the issue of being discontent or living an unfulfilled life. However, I want to recap by saying that I did not do this for you to feel that you need to do another thing to gain access to the intangible world where you will eventually feel alive. I wanted you to know that YOU are cherished and you are enough and your joy is contained within the world that you are a part of.
Please do not merely gloss over the questions that I asked, but realise the power of your high calling, fellow guardian. LIFE will truly spring from GRATITUDE. Gratitude for your life – just the way it is, as opposed to feeling that you are a victim of your circumstance. The only difference between those who are fulfilled and others – is that they have realised how to be a good guardian of their galaxy. What an honourable position it is that you have, what a world of opportunity to have the challenges that are unique to you, to have the gifts that are unique to you. You - just the way you are, in the world that you hold in your hands. The joy is woven through the journey.
It is my hope that you will breathe a new breath today – realising afresh that we get to walk this walk and we get to love the ones who have been placed in our world. So let us resolve to know our value and embrace our galaxy - living and loving to the fullest while you are alive.
Well friends, this is it for today. I would like to invite you to connect with me also on social media on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/lifestyledesigneroninsta or Facebook https://www.facebook.com/thelifestyleemporiumtribe.
You can also reach me through my website: www.thelifestyleemporium.ch which offers both learning experiences and mentorship.
