My business coach Stacey Boehman was giving this analogy about entrepreneurs and their new businesses and even though I’ve heard her say it before suddenly it totally clicked that this is such a fantastic perspective shift for newlyweds as well!

Ok so here’s the analogy:

Your business is a baby.

Your marriage isn’t here to make you happy.

(Sorry!)

Just like if you had a brand new baby or a brand new business, you wouldn’t expect it to perform for you.

Your marriage just happened! There’s nothing there yet.

John Gottman, who is a leading marriage researcher, describes the idea as an emotional bank account.

5 to 1 positive to negative--that's the ratio we need to maintain, according to his research, for a healthy relationship.

But the other part of the emotional bank account is that it takes time to build up a balance.

I remember getting my first ATM card.

And who knows what I put on it, maybe $40?

At that point, getting something for $20 would be a huge deal. That’s half my account! 

Also, maybe I didn’t know how much and how often I’d be making money, so that’s also a concern. How am I supposed to take money out of an account if I have no idea when more is coming?

It's exactly like this for a newlywed.

So this week I want you to remember this--it’s ok if you aren’t getting the dividends on your marriage yet. That comes later. And it really does, I’m telling you at 10 years married I’m literally happier every passing year. But that comes with this attitude of investment. And the great news is it doesn’t have to be major dramatic romantic actions! In fact, John Gottman specifically says so in his research -- it’s better to have lots of small “turning toward” actions than a few large romantic gestures.

Also, I think it’s really critical whenever I give you concepts like this, or you learn them elsewhere, that you be onto yourself. You’re going to want to relate it to HIM. Is he making romantic gestures? Is he turning towards?

Back in your lane, sweetheart. (That's how I say it to myself.)

You can only change yourself, but you are fifty percent of this relationship. Do you think you can improve who you are and not improve your marriage? I don’t think it’s possible.

Go take care of your baby :) 

Sources and links mentioned in this episode:

Brooke Castillo’s The Life Coach School

Stacey Boehman - Business Mindset 

John Gottman: The Emotional Bank Account

The First Year Married Elite Coaching Program

The First Year Married Online Self-Study

The First Year Married FREE Class