Money Mastery for Actors

Ken Rea

Katie Flahive

Setting Boundaries

The Language of Letting Go

"Boundaries. Sometimes life and people. And the business seemed to push and push. But because we are used to so much pain, we may tell ourselves that it doesn't hurt. Because we are so used to people controlling and manipulating us, we may tell ourselves that there is something wrong with us. There is nothing wrong with us. Life is pushing and hurting to actually get our attention. Sometimes the pain and the pushing are pointing toward a lesson. And the lesson may be that we've become too controlling, or maybe we're being pushed to own our own power and take care of ourselves. When this comes up, the issue is actually boundaries. If something or somebody is pushing you to your limits, that's exactly what's happening. You're being pushed to your limits. And a different way of thinking about it is we can actually be grateful for the lesson that's here to help us explore and help us to set boundaries."

The exercise for when somebody is pushing me And I can't take it anymore:

• Sit down with a blank piece of paper, or a notebook
• A pen and an extra pen just in case you run out of ink
• Take yourself to a coffee shop and sit down and bring only that
• I want you to write that person
  • Basically, what I call your fuck you letter.
  • You want to tell them everything about how you feel and what you needed in this situation.
  • And you can be as loud and angry.
  • And underline and exclamation points.
  • And use as vulgar language as you can come up with.
• And then what I want you to do is take a deep breath. And then I want you to read through it.
  • And I want you to write down.
  • Two things in one column, I want you to write down how you feel.
    • So emotions, adjectives.
  • And then, in the next column, I want you to write down what you needed.
    • From that person and possibly even, dare I say it, from yourself.
• And then, I want you to construct a different letter
  • And in that, I want you to say how you felt.
  • And that you needed.
  • But leave the word "you" out.

Example: Because if I say to you, you're always late. "I'm really pissed. You're always late." Well, what I'm immediately doing is putting you in the defensive position, and that's not going to help anybody.

Instead, try: "I feel frustrated when I am kept waiting and waiting, and I need for our coffee dates to start on time."

So that's how you set a boundary.

And I encourage you to rewind this a bit and listen to it again so you really, really understand it.

"Sometimes life and people seem to push and push."

And that's where we get burnt out. That's where we get cranky. That's where we get into hungry, angry, lonely, and tired.

"But because we are used to so much pain, we may tell ourselves it doesn't hurt because we are so used to people controlling and manipulating us. We may tell ourselves there is something wrong with us."

 And that's the problem: we continue to accept unacceptable behavior, but that doesn't make it right.

It's time for us to start treating people how we want to be treated.

When we head into that, telling ourselves that there is something wrong with us. That's Shame.

That's shame because we feel that there is something defective with us, which there absolutely is not.

"There is nothing wrong with us. Life is pushing and hurting to get our attention. Sometimes the pain and pushing we are pointing toward is a lesson."

You might have to set a boundary with yourself.

We can be grateful for the lesson that's here to help us explore and to help us learn how to set boundaries.