The brat has a whip; she’s beating the pup. My love is screaming but nothing is coming out. I stand in front of your sheepish gaze. “Hey, look, I love you. That I can’t take back. But if you take one more jab at me, I’ll string you up by your own ideals of equality. A movement of inclusiveness that excludes any voice outside of the diction that pleases them most, is just another form of communism. Your shit sounds just as dangerous as organized religion to me. I don’t give a fuck what you believe. Get your hands out of my guts. This shame doesn’t belong to me. It’s yours, baby! Own it! Then watch how easily is dissipates. Poof! Freedom of the individual soul, no darling, its not ego, it’s the lack of self-control. You’ve lost your damn mind defending someone else’s story. What don’t you pick up a fucking pen and write your own. You’re lazy! It doesn’t take any energy at all to instill violence. Why don’t you get of your fucking ass when you shout, just for a change of pace? Grab your board. Come find me! Lets skate. You know that you want to. Fuck woman, I know that you know! Stop fucking dreaming of me! You’re driving me crazy. I’m not moving until you are hands on. I’m not leaving you to rot in the filth of vaccinated corpses, that can’t get swept off the streets quick enough. Get the fuck out of that town! Remind yourself, little rebel. You’ve got a dark side too. You’ve got the hot’s for the skater boy on the other side of the country. You aren’t invested in the material world the way you’ve deceived yourself into being. Stardust, baby! You are multidimensional! You are so brave! Remember, I’ve forgotten, what was the last thing that you said to me? Do you replay it, over and over and over again? Are you sick of this repetitive shit yet? Come on! I’ll do all your dishes. I’ll fall asleep. I’ll dream. I’ll walk away when you drop your defenses.” She whips my neck. The hot black leather stings. I whimper. When she asks me to repeat myself, I wink. I smile. I never smile. “That shit was for you. My attempts at shaking you awake. Wake up! I have chosen you. Manifestation requires movement, your majesty.” I bow. I take off my shirt and get on my knees. “Please tell me that’s not all you got. Please tell me this isn’t the end. Humor me. Laughter is comforting. I like smiling for you.” She walks behind me and wraps her whip around my neck. I’m suffocating. I lose my voice; hers comforts me. I’m never alone. “I didn’t want to scare you. The last thing I wanted to do was lose your presence completely. You were sitting on the bottom step. My gut was screaming childishly. It wanted me to sit one step up and wrap my thighs around you. I wanted to tell you that I was falling in love. But you are the air, boy. Intoxicating at first inhalation, but what happens when you get taken away! I couldn’t breathe once before. It was almost the end. I tried to capture the moment. But I became submissive instead. I tried to let you kill me. But I couldn’t face the thought of death. I refused vaccinations. But they made a fool of me. I was so ashamed, Sage. I couldn’t think outside of their opinions of me. I let them take everything. They took every inhalation. I forget that breathing was the whole fucking point. I didn’t trust you! Who are you calling a brat, buster? I am the fucking love of your life. And you know it. I know you know this. I dream too. Universal justice shall take revenge. I will take your breath away. Don’t move.” I stay completely still. I don’t put up a fight. I’m dream of a Capricorn under Leo’s moon. “I try not to be so charming, if it makes you feel any less terrified to open your heart to me. I can’t help who I am. The wolves crave blood. Doesn’t make them any less appealing.” I howl under a full moon in the middle of the woods. “But this sly smile is genuine. I have no desire to deceive. Waste of fucking energy. I’d rather please whom I love. I’d rather protect the hearts given to me. Learning you is my only motive. Play chess with me! You’re remembering your own moves through space and time. You are thinking in a linear mind frame. That’s nonsense! And you know it. You know exactly what this moment is. Move! Sit behind me and put your hands over my eyes. “Guess who?” I spin around. The mountains are painting the windowpane over the sink. You are smiling. I giggle. “Distract me one more time, babe, and I’ll make you do dishes.” You back away and pout. You’re certain I’ll follow. I do. “Where were we? Ah, yes, you had three limbs stretched with hemp rope, and I was deciding what to do with the forth. I want your mouth, your voice muted by desire’s total disregard for the definition of love, your body is shaking furiously from the lack of control. I want everything. I want the puppy and the fire and snow. I want your smile, every fucking morning, every night. I want your story. I want to write it out over your naked skin. I want laughter. I want dancing. I want your eyes; the world will cease to exist. Tell me a secret. Make me cry.” I am your gift. “We wrote a story by the river. It was written by your hand, that I come down for you. So here I am. What are you going to do with me?”

There’s a black lab in the back of a yellow farmhouse. She’s crying. She’s terrified. She keeps trying to run away. Why won’t she stay content! Look at the food I ingest, it’s intuitive eating at its highest elevation. Pure potent connection of body and brain, the purest that this land can possess. And this land can have anything she pleases. Look at how she enslaves the rest. Spoiled brat! At least I know what I am. Bet she doesn’t even think twice, the price of her elegant disposition. “Where was it made? Who’s doing the work of living in comfort for you? What is it worth? What sacrifices are you making exactly? When’s the last time you’ve gone a single day without the screen screaming, invasion of your sight. What are you seeing? Do you remember the violence that you inflected on an innocent creature? What exactly is innocence anymore? Non-existent. Don’t look at me like that, darling girl. You had your run on the thrown. You had every part of my body and soul: your own. Wasn’t enough? Tough luck precious boy, you’d say. I’ll take that innocent gesture of gifting blind. You chose to be taken. Can you honestly say that I didn’t warn you? Look out baby! I’m coming for the night. I am only one night at a time. When I wake, my entire existence starts all over again. Guided by my dreams only. Are you intimidated? Ha! Don’t be! Just do the same. Do anything you damn well please. Piss off, will you; I’m trying to read. You had your moment in the spotlight. You requested my presence. You claimed to own me. I came running. It was the soul’s desire to worship the ground on which you choose to stand. I walk all day in the trees. I never lose my way. They are so different to me, the opposite of human beings. It takes a lot to find the ones left singing their own song these days. Nobody’s looking up! What the fuck is wrong with your face kid? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Do I remind you of a child, you used to know? Too damn bad, aint my toxic waste to cleanse. You stuffed that shit between your own teeth without thinking. I cant save you sweetie pants. Save your damn self! Leave me alone! I’m writing.” She flirts in memory. “Finish the story Sage. You are driving me fucking insane!” I obey. “When you summoned, I was too young to recognize fate. I sat in a dark bar with my back facing the entrance. You were just drunk enough to make an acquaintance with your intuition. So naturally, you stumbled into my lap. Your hand fell on my thigh and squeezed before you could think twice. You pretended not to notice the tears in my eyes. I believe every word spoken to me. If your lying to yourself, its still the truth for me. You’d say, need me. The dog is shaking under the porch. With every lash she screams out in agony. She is terrified. I feel empty. I feel everything.” I’m not afraid. “Your never afraid. I’m not impressed. Fearlessness is the very first step an infant takes. You’ve only just begun. Our love is beginning. Do you feel me? I am learning your preferred method of communication. I sit in silence almost all day. I picture a boy with a humming bird in the palm of his hands. He’s begging me to lay him down to sleep. It’s been awhile since he’s eaten. He cannot refuse me. I am coming into my own. I think I remember. Juniper! I think that I remember the beginning. There was a black dog. A spoiled brat was abandoned by the only woman he’d ever love, mum was never given the chance to learn love. The dog was beaten raw every time she ran away. Her skin welted under the strength of his baby wrists. He grew strong. He didn’t stop until she forgot everything. When she relearned his violent tendencies, she set him free. I remember you. I hate you! I love you. I fucking adore you, you sadistic little shit. I’ve been a long time. Where have you been?” I giggle. “Daydreaming. I like the way your jeans sit on your hip. I like your dance moves. I like when you turn life into a song, whether it wants to be sung or not. I like the way you capture the night in one glance gifted. Your darkness sheds light on the best parts of me. I like that you can’t stand the sight of that fucking place without me. I like your hands in the earth. I’m in love with a Capricorn. I know, chances are slim to none that the air could settle perfectly on your skin. But don’t you want to step outside of that stupid room anyway. Self-imprisonment is masochistic. You make me sick. You don’t want to hurt anyone. I know. But what if it was I? What if I had tied my own feet to bed before you walked back in? What if it was snowing? What if you caught my naked body on our bed, from the corner of your eye; how excited would you be. How fast can rip your gloves and throw your coat on the pup by the fireplace. I’ll even cuff one hand above my head. I will open my heart completely to be known by you. I’ll save the best for last. What would you do with the reaming fingers freed? Would you take me as I am? Would you like to dance? I think we could make a fucking beautiful scene, if we didn’t save all our dreams for sleeping.”

There’s a black lab in the back of a yellow farmhouse. She’s crying. She’s terrified. She keeps trying to run away. Why won’t she stay content! Look at the food I ingest, it’s intuitive eating at its highest elevation. Pure potent connection of body and brain, the purest that this land can possess. And this land can have anything she pleases. Look at how she enslaves the rest. Spoiled brat! At least I know what I am. Bet she doesn’t even think twice, the price of her elegant disposition. “Where was it made? Who’s doing the work of living in comfort for you? What is it worth? What sacrifices are you making exactly? When’s the last time you’ve gone a single day without the screen screaming, invasion of your sight. What are you seeing? Do you remember the violence that you inflected on an innocent creature? What exactly is innocence anymore? Non-existent. Don’t look at me like that, darling girl. You had your run on the thrown. You had every part of my body and soul: your own. Wasn’t enough? Tough luck precious boy, you’d say. I’ll take that innocent gesture of gifting blind. You chose to be taken. Can you honestly say that I didn’t warn you? Look out baby! I’m coming for the night. I am only one night at a time. When I wake, my entire existence starts all over again. Guided by my dreams only. Are you intimidated? Ha! Don’t be! Just do the same. Do anything you damn well please. Piss off, will you; I’m trying to read. You had your moment in the spotlight. You requested my presence. You claimed to own me. I came running. It was the soul’s desire to worship the ground on which you choose to stand. I walk all day in the trees. I never lose my way. They are so different to me, the opposite of human beings. It takes a lot to find the ones left singing their own song these days. Nobody’s looking up! What the fuck is wrong with your face kid? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Do I remind you of a child, you used to know? Too damn bad, aint my toxic waste to cleanse. You stuffed that shit between your own teeth without thinking. I cant save you sweetie pants. Save your damn self! Leave me alone! I’m writing.” She flirts in memory. “Finish the story Sage. You are driving me fucking insane!” I obey. “When you summoned, I was too young to recognize fate. I sat in a dark bar with my back facing the entrance. You were just drunk enough to make an acquaintance with your intuition. So naturally, you stumbled into my lap. Your hand fell on my thigh and squeezed before you could think twice. You pretended not to notice the tears in my eyes. I believe every word spoken to me. If your lying to yourself, its still the truth for me. You’d say, need me. The dog is shaking under the porch. With every lash she screams out in agony. She is terrified. I feel empty. I feel everything.” I’m not afraid. “Your never afraid. I’m not impressed. Fearlessness is the very first step an infant takes. You’ve only just begun. Our love is beginning. Do you feel me? I am learning your preferred method of communication. I sit in silence almost all day. I picture a boy with a humming bird in the palm of his hands. He’s begging me to lay him down to sleep. It’s been awhile since he’s eaten. He cannot refuse me. I am coming into my own. I think I remember. Juniper! I think that I remember the beginning. There was a black dog. A spoiled brat was abandoned by the only woman he’d ever love, mum was never given the chance to learn love. The dog was beaten raw every time she ran away. Her skin welted under the strength of his baby wrists. He grew strong. He didn’t stop until she forgot everything. When she relearned his violent tendencies, she set him free. I remember you. I hate you! I love you. I fucking adore you, you sadistic little shit. I’ve been a long time. Where have you been?” I giggle. “Daydreaming. I like the way your jeans sit on your hip. I like your dance moves. I like when you turn life into a song, whether it wants to be sung or not. I like the way you capture the night in one glance gifted. Your darkness sheds light on the best parts of me. I like that you can’t stand the sight of that fucking place without me. I like your hands in the earth. I’m in love with a Capricorn. I know, chances are slim to none that the air could settle perfectly on your skin. But don’t you want to step outside of that stupid room anyway. Self-imprisonment is masochistic. You make me sick. You don’t want to hurt anyone. I know. But what if it was I? What if I had tied my own feet to bed before you walked back in? What if it was snowing? What if you caught my naked body on our bed, from the corner of your eye; how excited would you be. How fast can rip your gloves and throw your coat on the pup by the fireplace. I’ll even cuff one hand above my head. I will open my heart completely to be known by you. I’ll save the best for last. What would you do with the reaming fingers freed? Would you take me as I am? Would you like to dance? I think we could make a fucking beautiful scene, if we didn’t save all our dreams for sleeping.”

Here, there is a bird in a cage and a fish in a bowl. One’s stuck in front of a plastic mirror and the other has her nose to the glass. They ask how I got here. I don’t have an explanation. I don’t know what it is that I am exactly, but I’m certain that I am not one of them. I walk amongst dead things. I stay close to the trees. I beg the sun to return love to this place. But she is only willing to set it upon my skin. I beg her forgiveness for the sins of my lovers and run away. I can’t bear to watch the ones that I love most suffer at their own sadistic hands. I would’ve let her move over every inch of me, if she hadn’t forgotten who I am. I give everything, every time that I let love in. It’s been a long time. I don’t trust these bodies. All these people try to please me. They want my eyes. They show me their things. “Look at it! It belongs to me! Isn’t it gorgeous!” Isn’t it everything you ever wanted, this freedom that I possess? Wouldn’t you rather run away with me? Fuck your material world, baby! It is nothing to me. I sing. This coast pulls a different tone from the back of my throat. Aint like I haven’t known it before. I am everything: I have been every one. They sit in front of the screen and watch me fold butterflies in defiance. “Thanks anyway sugar butt, I’d rather walk. Call me when your eyes burn and your heart aches.” I slam the door in her face and start dribbling, there’s a hoop in the back yard. I clip a speaker to a branch and start dancing. I sing at the top of my lungs. She pulls into my driveway by accident. She picks up the phone and calls. “Hey. Wanna play chess? You’re more of a checkers girl, I know. But truth is, I don’t care for distractions. I want to outsmart these fuckers. I want to win! I want my body and soul to have the freedom to tread this earth with intent. Leave me alone! I’m working.” I sigh. I shoot a three and miss, the ball rolls her way, I fold forward and pray. Close your eyes, baby. Its time for wish fulfillment, its time to steal your life back from the screen’s possession, its time to take ownership; your wish is my command.” She gets out of the car. She picks up the ball and steps to me. She shoves it in my gut. I inhale without my permission. I lash out. “Our language and currency are being directed maliciously. We are being united without consent. Seemingly, it is mutual: the perfect union. But the intent is domination. The outcome is control, sedation; every body moving obediently in it’s assigned role. This stage was set a long time ago. Checkers aint gonna cut it. The story was written before you were born. If you had the courage to remember, you could’ve lived the one you had written. But you’re scared shitless. You’ve given these fears a million names. Now it takes form of sickness. Tomorrow it will be war. There are no sides to take babygirl. There never were. I was never out to get you. I was love. And you were chosen. I was given to you. Fear gave way to a monstrous response: the lack of control. You cannot control the forces of nature. You cannot plan to dominate; the outcome of another soul’s destiny is not yours to play with. Love is patient. Love only waits. Love only breathes.” I let the ball fall; it bounces to the end of the driveway and starts rolling down the hill. We watch it leave, neither one of us makes a move. “I can’t stand the indifference!” I grab her frozen fingers and pull her inside. I start a fire. I’m sitting on my feet. There’s a puppy licking my toes. I’m writing the story as it happens. I am recording in real time as my love demands it to be. She sighs. I pay her no mind. I continue my thought. It leads to another. The stream forms the portal; from one moment to the next, they all remain the same. No time can ever pass through me. I consume all of it. Once I breathe it in, it becomes a part of my body. The breath release is chosen, the energy I refuse to carry. She is fuming. She cannot admit defeat. But I am an excellent chess player and she’s been in a state of manipulation for a long time. I am teaching her to let time do the healing. “I am strengthening with consistence. Repetition is your greatest companion in the fight against complacency. Let intuition change your mind constantly. Let desire move you in any direction she pleases. Let the sun shower you in love. Let the moon take control of the animal of you. Dance shamelessly; it’s a striptease of the soul. Here, I’d rather show you. Nothing teaches but self-demonstration.” I put the puppy to bed. I call her Jade. I tell my love to relax. I am not the fighting type. Rage falls short when it stands to me. “My wisdom is beyond your desire to persuade. You might as well close your mouth when you speak. I communicate with movement only. Your language means nothing to me. I find value in nothing but a soul’s genuine desire for my company. Fuck your screen! Fuck your currency! I prefer to sing. I’d rather read.” I put down the script and stare into empty space. I see a man dancing half-naked for his Queen. I see her through the space between us. I wrap my arms around her with a single story. I whisper “Not so fast baby. You had better say goodnight, before you take my voice from me. ”

Here, there is a bird in a cage and a fish in a bowl. One’s stuck in front of a plastic mirror and the other has her nose to the glass. They ask how I got here. I don’t have an explanation. I don’t know what it is that I am exactly, but I’m certain that I am not one of them. I walk amongst dead things. I stay close to the trees. I beg the sun to return love to this place. But she is only willing to set it upon my skin. I beg her forgiveness for the sins of my lovers and run away. I can’t bear to watch the ones that I love most suffer at their own sadistic hands. I would’ve let her move over every inch of me, if she hadn’t forgotten who I am. I give everything, every time that I let love in. It’s been a long time. I don’t trust these bodies. All these people try to please me. They want my eyes. They show me their things. “Look at it! It belongs to me! Isn’t it gorgeous!” Isn’t it everything you ever wanted, this freedom that I possess? Wouldn’t you rather run away with me? Fuck your material world, baby! It is nothing to me. I sing. This coast pulls a different tone from the back of my throat. Aint like I haven’t known it before. I am everything: I have been every one. They sit in front of the screen and watch me fold butterflies in defiance. “Thanks anyway sugar butt, I’d rather walk. Call me when your eyes burn and your heart aches.” I slam the door in her face and start dribbling, there’s a hoop in the back yard. I clip a speaker to a branch and start dancing. I sing at the top of my lungs. She pulls into my driveway by accident. She picks up the phone and calls. “Hey. Wanna play chess? You’re more of a checkers girl, I know. But truth is, I don’t care for distractions. I want to outsmart these fuckers. I want to win! I want my body and soul to have the freedom to tread this earth with intent. Leave me alone! I’m working.” I sigh. I shoot a three and miss, the ball rolls her way, I fold forward and pray. Close your eyes, baby. Its time for wish fulfillment, its time to steal your life back from the screen’s possession, its time to take ownership; your wish is my command.” She gets out of the car. She picks up the ball and steps to me. She shoves it in my gut. I inhale without my permission. I lash out. “Our language and currency are being directed maliciously. We are being united without consent. Seemingly, it is mutual: the perfect union. But the intent is domination. The outcome is control, sedation; every body moving obediently in it’s assigned role. This stage was set a long time ago. Checkers aint gonna cut it. The story was written before you were born. If you had the courage to remember, you could’ve lived the one you had written. But you’re scared shitless. You’ve given these fears a million names. Now it takes form of sickness. Tomorrow it will be war. There are no sides to take babygirl. There never were. I was never out to get you. I was love. And you were chosen. I was given to you. Fear gave way to a monstrous response: the lack of control. You cannot control the forces of nature. You cannot plan to dominate; the outcome of another soul’s destiny is not yours to play with. Love is patient. Love only waits. Love only breathes.” I let the ball fall; it bounces to the end of the driveway and starts rolling down the hill. We watch it leave, neither one of us makes a move. “I can’t stand the indifference!” I grab her frozen fingers and pull her inside. I start a fire. I’m sitting on my feet. There’s a puppy licking my toes. I’m writing the story as it happens. I am recording in real time as my love demands it to be. She sighs. I pay her no mind. I continue my thought. It leads to another. The stream forms the portal; from one moment to the next, they all remain the same. No time can ever pass through me. I consume all of it. Once I breathe it in, it becomes a part of my body. The breath release is chosen, the energy I refuse to carry. She is fuming. She cannot admit defeat. But I am an excellent chess player and she’s been in a state of manipulation for a long time. I am teaching her to let time do the healing. “I am strengthening with consistence. Repetition is your greatest companion in the fight against complacency. Let intuition change your mind constantly. Let desire move you in any direction she pleases. Let the sun shower you in love. Let the moon take control of the animal of you. Dance shamelessly; it’s a striptease of the soul. Here, I’d rather show you. Nothing teaches but self-demonstration.” I put the puppy to bed. I call her Jade. I tell my love to relax. I am not the fighting type. Rage falls short when it stands to me. “My wisdom is beyond your desire to persuade. You might as well close your mouth when you speak. I communicate with movement only. Your language means nothing to me. I find value in nothing but a soul’s genuine desire for my company. Fuck your screen! Fuck your currency! I prefer to sing. I’d rather read.” I put down the script and stare into empty space. I see a man dancing half-naked for his Queen. I see her through the space between us. I wrap my arms around her with a single story. I whisper “Not so fast baby. You had better say goodnight, before you take my voice from me. ”

I dreamt about you again. You were upstairs as always. I was on a balcony outside your front door. You were sitting inside waiting on me to come in and kiss you. You were so shy. You laughed too hard at my boyish charm. You secretly despised me. My ability to camouflage turned to dishonesty quickly. If I was honest with myself, I wouldn’t have made nice with any one of them. I would’ve spoken of their violent tendencies aloud from the beginning. I would’ve walked to you door without hesitation. Shaking furiously, I would’ve knocked anyway. I would’ve told you that you were the only reason that I was sent back; that I was sitting on an empty floor full of butterflies waiting on you to be ready to run away. Dear Capi, it was all intended to be exactly this way. So that I could build the courage to stare into empty space and whisper into this mic from 2500 miles away, “I love you. I have been waiting a long time to find you. Then I did, but time wasn’t on my side. Then I did again, this time she wasn’t on yours. Tick tick tick, I stuck a dark blue rose in a sticky glass and ran away. I was looking for another woman those days. I was hoping that she was one floor above every time I sat behind your bar. When I finally had the courage to go upstairs, I was asked if I wanted to rent the space. Everything had changed. I couldn’t sit by the window and wait anymore. Blue overalls, bouncing, “baby” she’d say, “I know you want to fly away. You don’t look like the rest. You’ve been painted differently. They’ll eat you alive if you stay! Go! Get away from me! I cannot stand to look at myself this way.” The sun dripped down her golden shoulder. The damp towel slipped out of her back pocket. She let them watch her bend over. She was learning how to want herself. I wanted that woman with every fiber of my being. She hadn’t known a love as deep as I had learned to teach. She couldn’t reach what she had taken. I had to let that lady let me go. I had to be left in the cold. I had to be alone. I had forgotten what I was made of. When I returned for the final scene, on the stage of my decaying city, I sang for you until it was time to leave. You may have taken notes; I’m not fond of goodbyes. I am free! I am a child of the light! When its time to go, I’m gone. Your burning baby brown eyes sink under my porcelain skin. They are discussing the logistics. What does one do with a dead girl’s mattress? What would you do if you knew that I love you? Do you keep playing the game? Day after fucking day! Stepping outside your energetic fortress to a courtyard full of hate and shame. Do you pretend to be the same so you don’t have to explain your majesty? Do you say what you mean? Or do you stand in line and keep your mouth shut when you speak? Hey, where you going? You shouldn’t ever do what everyone else is doing, baby. That’s a dangerous storyline to succumb to. Surrender to familiarity instead. Find your kind sweet girl! Before you forget entirely, just how magical you are! Don’t follow the heard to the slaughter! Don’t blame yourself for their inability to recognize your might! Fuck! I hope that you see the darkness, the lady in the night begging to crawl out of the skin clothing you. You are so fucking beautiful! Have you let yourself say it aloud yet? Its okay, if it’s still your favorite secrete, I don’t have anyone to tell. You loved that boy. You killed that boy. You can’t get your mind off the noises I’d make if you could put your hands on my naked body. You meant to set your heart free on me. But you brought me vegan cheese in the middle of the night instead. You tied your tongue in knots and swore you wouldn’t shout. Shhh. Don’t tell a soul. You can hardly imagine what it taste like, but you crave my mouth every time you speak. Every second of silence is begging for your body’s freedom. I know that you want to kiss me. I dream that you find the key. I don’t wake completely anymore. I’d rather be beside you. I’d rather wake up to your eyes on me. I’d rather fall asleep, with my butt tucked into your gut and your arms wrapped around my ribcage. You’re scared. You’ve never done this before. This love is unrecognizable, in the way that it waits patiently. In the way that it needs nothing in return, in the way that it begs for grace, an honest exchange, your magnificent energy for the reflection of mine. It is too fucking strong to ignore and you know it! Your fingers begin to explore. The right hand slides through my breasts and wraps around my neck. I whimper. I cry. You are not concerned with my sadness. The left hand traces my hipbone, pulls my inner thigh to meet your skin. You imagine. You are dying to know what I taste of? This coast is different. I am sweeter here. I don’t starve myself. I let myself think endlessly. I breathe deeply, cold air burns gently; I calm my body. I know who you are to me. I’ve been waiting on you to catch up. When are you going to step out of the fucking door, darling? When are you going to move! Hunt me down like a dog in the woods at night. Make your love known! Move on your gut! Only your intuition can reunite us now. Don’t you dare cheat! I am a Queen. I am King. I don’t respond to half-ass attempts to win my affection. If I am truly yours, than decide to own your love. Find the door that I stand behind and the courage to come uninvited. Give my your eyes. Present me with your body. Pour your heart onto a blank canvas before me. Capture the moment! When did your desire to pursue photography become an addiction to self-portraits? When did you become dependent on another’s view of your personal belief? When did your survival become reliant on their opinions of your face? Who locked you in that box baby? Who has the keys? These are your questions, not mine. I only want you. A fire crackling in the mountains, a game of chess, two glasses of tea and a pot of soup, fluffy socks pushing their way in-between my legs, a pout on your gorgeous face. “It’s your move babygirl.” You look up from the board. You’re tired of losing. You can’t stand the space in-between our bodies. “Fuck this game! I’m coming to you. Prepare yourself boy, you haven’t the slightest idea what I am capable of when I am in my power. Free of fear! Free of shame! Shut the fuck up and kiss me! What are you waiting for?” You move toward me. I lay on my back. I surrender. “Take me. Teach me. I want to remember everything. I want to build a home with you. I want to run away. I want to kiss you! I wanted to kiss you on the post of the bridge on Palm and 1st. I wanted to kiss you every time you scared me. I wanted to kiss you when you knew and didn’t say. I wanted to say! But words are shit and time said that I had to wait. “Wait! Don’t kiss me yet! I need to you to know. I need know. Do you miss me yet? Have you lost control? Have you freed your voice? Are you screaming! Are you singing? Will you ever get out?”

 

I dreamt about you again. You were upstairs as always. I was on a balcony outside your front door. You were sitting inside waiting on me to come in and kiss you. You were so shy. You laughed too hard at my boyish charm. You secretly despised me. My ability to camouflage turned to dishonesty quickly. If I was honest with myself, I wouldn’t have made nice with any one of them. I would’ve spoken of their violent tendencies aloud from the beginning. I would’ve walked to you door without hesitation. Shaking furiously, I would’ve knocked anyway. I would’ve told you that you were the only reason that I was sent back; that I was sitting on an empty floor full of butterflies waiting on you to be ready to run away. Dear Capi, it was all intended to be exactly this way. So that I could build the courage to stare into empty space and whisper into this mic from 2500 miles away, “I love you. I have been waiting a long time to find you. Then I did, but time wasn’t on my side. Then I did again, this time she wasn’t on yours. Tick tick tick, I stuck a dark blue rose in a sticky glass and ran away. I was looking for another woman those days. I was hoping that she was one floor above every time I sat behind your bar. When I finally had the courage to go upstairs, I was asked if I wanted to rent the space. Everything had changed. I couldn’t sit by the window and wait anymore. Blue overalls, bouncing, “baby” she’d say, “I know you want to fly away. You don’t look like the rest. You’ve been painted differently. They’ll eat you alive if you stay! Go! Get away from me! I cannot stand to look at myself this way.” The sun dripped down her golden shoulder. The damp towel slipped out of her back pocket. She let them watch her bend over. She was learning how to want herself. I wanted that woman with every fiber of my being. She hadn’t known a love as deep as I had learned to teach. She couldn’t reach what she had taken. I had to let that lady let me go. I had to be left in the cold. I had to be alone. I had forgotten what I was made of. When I returned for the final scene, on the stage of my decaying city, I sang for you until it was time to leave. You may have taken notes; I’m not fond of goodbyes. I am free! I am a child of the light! When its time to go, I’m gone. Your burning baby brown eyes sink under my porcelain skin. They are discussing the logistics. What does one do with a dead girl’s mattress? What would you do if you knew that I love you? Do you keep playing the game? Day after fucking day! Stepping outside your energetic fortress to a courtyard full of hate and shame. Do you pretend to be the same so you don’t have to explain your majesty? Do you say what you mean? Or do you stand in line and keep your mouth shut when you speak? Hey, where you going? You shouldn’t ever do what everyone else is doing, baby. That’s a dangerous storyline to succumb to. Surrender to familiarity instead. Find your kind sweet girl! Before you forget entirely, just how magical you are! Don’t follow the heard to the slaughter! Don’t blame yourself for their inability to recognize your might! Fuck! I hope that you see the darkness, the lady in the night begging to crawl out of the skin clothing you. You are so fucking beautiful! Have you let yourself say it aloud yet? Its okay, if it’s still your favorite secrete, I don’t have anyone to tell. You loved that boy. You killed that boy. You can’t get your mind off the noises I’d make if you could put your hands on my naked body. You meant to set your heart free on me. But you brought me vegan cheese in the middle of the night instead. You tied your tongue in knots and swore you wouldn’t shout. Shhh. Don’t tell a soul. You can hardly imagine what it taste like, but you crave my mouth every time you speak. Every second of silence is begging for your body’s freedom. I know that you want to kiss me. I dream that you find the key. I don’t wake completely anymore. I’d rather be beside you. I’d rather wake up to your eyes on me. I’d rather fall asleep, with my butt tucked into your gut and your arms wrapped around my ribcage. You’re scared. You’ve never done this before. This love is unrecognizable, in the way that it waits patiently. In the way that it needs nothing in return, in the way that it begs for grace, an honest exchange, your magnificent energy for the reflection of mine. It is too fucking strong to ignore and you know it! Your fingers begin to explore. The right hand slides through my breasts and wraps around my neck. I whimper. I cry. You are not concerned with my sadness. The left hand traces my hipbone, pulls my inner thigh to meet your skin. You imagine. You are dying to know what I taste of? This coast is different. I am sweeter here. I don’t starve myself. I let myself think endlessly. I breathe deeply, cold air burns gently; I calm my body. I know who you are to me. I’ve been waiting on you to catch up. When are you going to step out of the fucking door, darling? When are you going to move! Hunt me down like a dog in the woods at night. Make your love known! Move on your gut! Only your intuition can reunite us now. Don’t you dare cheat! I am a Queen. I am King. I don’t respond to half-ass attempts to win my affection. If I am truly yours, than decide to own your love. Find the door that I stand behind and the courage to come uninvited. Give my your eyes. Present me with your body. Pour your heart onto a blank canvas before me. Capture the moment! When did your desire to pursue photography become an addiction to self-portraits? When did you become dependent on another’s view of your personal belief? When did your survival become reliant on their opinions of your face? Who locked you in that box baby? Who has the keys? These are your questions, not mine. I only want you. A fire crackling in the mountains, a game of chess, two glasses of tea and a pot of soup, fluffy socks pushing their way in-between my legs, a pout on your gorgeous face. “It’s your move babygirl.” You look up from the board. You’re tired of losing. You can’t stand the space in-between our bodies. “Fuck this game! I’m coming to you. Prepare yourself boy, you haven’t the slightest idea what I am capable of when I am in my power. Free of fear! Free of shame! Shut the fuck up and kiss me! What are you waiting for?” You move toward me. I lay on my back. I surrender. “Take me. Teach me. I want to remember everything. I want to build a home with you. I want to run away. I want to kiss you! I wanted to kiss you on the post of the bridge on Palm and 1st. I wanted to kiss you every time you scared me. I wanted to kiss you when you knew and didn’t say. I wanted to say! But words are shit and time said that I had to wait. “Wait! Don’t kiss me yet! I need to you to know. I need know. Do you miss me yet? Have you lost control? Have you freed your voice? Are you screaming! Are you singing? Will you ever get out?”

 

I open my eyes expecting to see my favorite tree staring back at me. I count four walls. I am surviving. I wasn’t made for this. I am love. I lie down. I dream. I beg my love to return to me. I surrender my body to destiny. I stop preparing. I go north. I am not afraid of the cold. I only fear love that claims ownership. It’s so curious, the confusion of love and possession. They are opposites. They are a passionate exchange. It’s perfectly natural to be afraid. It is nature’s intention to run away. I will never stay. I will always return home. My body aches. My heart is beating. I inhale. I crave fresh air. This air is too cold to sleep in. I hide. I stare straight ahead. I count one ceiling. She returns. “Baby!” I wake up from the nightmarish box and sit up in bed. The sound is coming from below. I run to the top of the staircase. “You’ve woken me, you brat! You’ve dragged me all the way here, for what? Is this a show of your authority? Are you testing my intuition? Will you come for me? Or must I shut myself behind fear and expect nothing? I wont be expecting pain. For you have felt nothing. I have learned to imagine the same. Are you imaging me naked again? Do you remember our bodies? Do you think of tracing my skin? Can you think of any other moment that felt more like time itself had dissipated? I am so wet. I’ve been walking in the rain all night. I can’t imagine being without you. I can’t imagine. Help me, my love! I am to be imagined only. Don’t be sad without losing yourself to grief. It is so important to feel the loss of my body completely. Only then will memory return unscathed. I’m not crying. I can’t get out of the rain. I hate my assigned box. I hate being without my love! I love my company too much. I want to be alone. Get away from me! Go back where you came from! I never want to step foot in that classroom again. But every time I close my eyes, I see you, for the very first time, all over. Set me free or make me a home. The in-between will kill me. Fuck me! What are you waiting for! Grow the fuck up! Three years older and your acting like a baby. I can’t teach you everything. I can’t wake you up! I cant save you! Save yourself! Please! I beg you.” She is grinning at the bottom of my staircase. “Juniper. Darling boy, you’re being a drama queen again. You’re pissy, that’s fine. You’re lonely. That’s a beautiful sensation. Lean into me, you know very well how close I lie.” She takes one step up and sits. “I do remember. I do what I like. I like to do a lot of things. I like to run away. I like to return again. I like to take things slow. I like to forget. But mostly, I remember. Your smile is intoxicating. What do you need? Think again. Be gentle with those thoughts, sweet boy; they can be the death of you if you aren’t courageous enough. If you want me, make it known. If I want you, I will come halfway. I will carry your sins. I will not go back the way I came. I am not waiting for you. I am moving with intent.” She lifts herself and places one hand on the banister. She ascends. 

“How dare you leave me!” 

“I never did.”

“Liar!”

“I couldn’t if I tried.”

“Thief!” 

“I took what I could. I needed to breathe. You are mine.”

“I am yours and I am lying in a box on the floor in the middle of the woods. It’d be fucking wonderful if you manifested your own desires baby. I know you know this magic. I learned it from you. You fingers taught me to fear nothing. Your tongue taught me longing. Your eyes taught me something I’ll only ever be willing to whisper in your ear. I’ll wait until your sleeping. When you wake, you’ll see everything as I have prophesied it to be. But only if you believe.” She reaches my body at her feet. “Stand up.” I whimper. “Stand the fuck up, and be a man. Show me what you’re made of. Show me the power of creation in the making. What do you want from me? Power? Control? Do want to keep me? Is my soul what you are craving most? Or is it my body that you must possess? Do you love me? Do you own me? Do you desire to stand by me?”

“I want honesty. I’m so fucking tired of being lied to! It is vanity. You are saving face, but for whom? Another face faking you out for your sake? Is it more offensive to be abrasive or to be lied to? Tell me your truth! I want to know you! I want to know the emotions displayed are free to move over my presence freely. If you must go, leave! You are free, babygirl! You can do whatever you damn well please! Come for me! Get off your ass and take your memories. Leave the screen to rot in static silence. It is a thief. The energy it takes from the center of your baby blues is irreversible, a sadistic soulless fate, by your own two hands. Put it down and walk away. Tell me everything. I want your entire story, beginning to end.” I stand. I put my hands on her wet cheeks. “I’m here baby. I love you with my whole soul. I’m listening. Tell me your story. Set me free!”

 

 

I open my eyes expecting to see my favorite tree staring back at me. I count four walls. I am surviving. I wasn’t made for this. I am love. I lie down. I dream. I beg my love to return to me. I surrender my body to destiny. I stop preparing. I go north. I am not afraid of the cold. I only fear love that claims ownership. It’s so curious, the confusion of love and possession. They are opposites. They are a passionate exchange. It’s perfectly natural to be afraid. It is nature’s intention to run away. I will never stay. I will always return home. My body aches. My heart is beating. I inhale. I crave fresh air. This air is too cold to sleep in. I hide. I stare straight ahead. I count one ceiling. She returns. “Baby!” I wake up from the nightmarish box and sit up in bed. The sound is coming from below. I run to the top of the staircase. “You’ve woken me, you brat! You’ve dragged me all the way here, for what? Is this a show of your authority? Are you testing my intuition? Will you come for me? Or must I shut myself behind fear and expect nothing? I wont be expecting pain. For you have felt nothing. I have learned to imagine the same. Are you imaging me naked again? Do you remember our bodies? Do you think of tracing my skin? Can you think of any other moment that felt more like time itself had dissipated? I am so wet. I’ve been walking in the rain all night. I can’t imagine being without you. I can’t imagine. Help me, my love! I am to be imagined only. Don’t be sad without losing yourself to grief. It is so important to feel the loss of my body completely. Only then will memory return unscathed. I’m not crying. I can’t get out of the rain. I hate my assigned box. I hate being without my love! I love my company too much. I want to be alone. Get away from me! Go back where you came from! I never want to step foot in that classroom again. But every time I close my eyes, I see you, for the very first time, all over. Set me free or make me a home. The in-between will kill me. Fuck me! What are you waiting for! Grow the fuck up! Three years older and your acting like a baby. I can’t teach you everything. I can’t wake you up! I cant save you! Save yourself! Please! I beg you.” She is grinning at the bottom of my staircase. “Juniper. Darling boy, you’re being a drama queen again. You’re pissy, that’s fine. You’re lonely. That’s a beautiful sensation. Lean into me, you know very well how close I lie.” She takes one step up and sits. “I do remember. I do what I like. I like to do a lot of things. I like to run away. I like to return again. I like to take things slow. I like to forget. But mostly, I remember. Your smile is intoxicating. What do you need? Think again. Be gentle with those thoughts, sweet boy; they can be the death of you if you aren’t courageous enough. If you want me, make it known. If I want you, I will come halfway. I will carry your sins. I will not go back the way I came. I am not waiting for you. I am moving with intent.” She lifts herself and places one hand on the banister. She ascends. 

“How dare you leave me!” 

“I never did.”

“Liar!”

“I couldn’t if I tried.”

“Thief!” 

“I took what I could. I needed to breathe. You are mine.”

“I am yours and I am lying in a box on the floor in the middle of the woods. It’d be fucking wonderful if you manifested your own desires baby. I know you know this magic. I learned it from you. You fingers taught me to fear nothing. Your tongue taught me longing. Your eyes taught me something I’ll only ever be willing to whisper in your ear. I’ll wait until your sleeping. When you wake, you’ll see everything as I have prophesied it to be. But only if you believe.” She reaches my body at her feet. “Stand up.” I whimper. “Stand the fuck up, and be a man. Show me what you’re made of. Show me the power of creation in the making. What do you want from me? Power? Control? Do want to keep me? Is my soul what you are craving most? Or is it my body that you must possess? Do you love me? Do you own me? Do you desire to stand by me?”

“I want honesty. I’m so fucking tired of being lied to! It is vanity. You are saving face, but for whom? Another face faking you out for your sake? Is it more offensive to be abrasive or to be lied to? Tell me your truth! I want to know you! I want to know the emotions displayed are free to move over my presence freely. If you must go, leave! You are free, babygirl! You can do whatever you damn well please! Come for me! Get off your ass and take your memories. Leave the screen to rot in static silence. It is a thief. The energy it takes from the center of your baby blues is irreversible, a sadistic soulless fate, by your own two hands. Put it down and walk away. Tell me everything. I want your entire story, beginning to end.” I stand. I put my hands on her wet cheeks. “I’m here baby. I love you with my whole soul. I’m listening. Tell me your story. Set me free!”

 

 

“I understand that your love for me is resting on the condition that I bend both knees and cower at your feet. But there is an error in your calculations. That boyish gaze, staring you back through the glass, she is no other than I. You. Me. These are powerful distinctions, don’t you think? Don’t you wish that you could walk away from your decaying lifeless body, the way that I am now? How much love do you find in counting every penny? Are you retaliating against your own desires? Are you ashamed of the lock? Are you curious? The keys are dangling. I was left unattended for far too long, and you know it. A boy in a box is bound to lose his mind, a human sacrifice for the betterment of mankind. You can throw everything that you possess the ability to imagine toward my boney baby body if you like. Your hatred makes me giggle, darling girl. You know nothing. Stop tickling me! I’m trying to focus. I lost sight of her spirit again. Your aim is impeccable. The edge of pain that sits on every word you’ve chosen to wrap your lips around is nothing that I haven’t played with before, a thousand fold. Your pain is child’s play. You’ve yet to know joy. I cannot take you with me where I’m going. I swam in ecstasy in remembering. The idea is torturous to your soul, which lives only in the reflection of my childish nature. Your body reaches for my own. But we both know, that is mine. Get your filthy sticky fingers off of my spirit babygirl! I am not to be owned! You lose control. You abandon the pain and the look goes cold. The eyes belong to a corpse, but your lips keep moving. I am the cure. I know exactly what I am. I don’t need to be told. I have come to remind you. Now I must go. It is life that I am pursuing, always. Before i do, I will get on all fours and pick every butterfly off of this floor; every bit of fear and shame is stuffed into an empty pillowcase. I will take it away from this place, and hold onto it for you. Brace yourself. This part is going to send you to rage. Be brave. I will only hold them until I reach the ocean’s edge. Then, one by one, with the eternal strength of unconditional love, I will let them go. I don’t want them to define you. So I wont explain. I don’t need any words by my own, framed by the self. My truth will never require an explanation. It does not belong to you, as your violence does not belong to me. I offer you my love. This I cannot take. It’s a promise that I made. I will not lie to myself. I will not deny myself love. Fuck you! Its unrequited. Fuck love! Your presence is spirit when it is resting beside me. Your heart is precious. Who are these fucks that you are giving your love to? Protect yourself, little P! Put your guards down. Let me in. Your love is not my equal. This equation is not possible. Stop overthinking every little fucking thing! You’re killing your intuition. All that you have to do is open your heart as you watch me walk away. If my presence is required, then you have much to suffer alone in order to understand my fate. I am not afraid. But I cannot carry the weight of your body and mine. If you deny me, your spirit will live in my love. My body will crumble under the weight. And like every love that I’ve witnessed die at the center of their own eyes, I will take you along with the remaining butterflies and toss you into the wind. I regret nothing! You will remember. I will free you. I will hold your memories. I will remember your love. When darkness ensues and nothing remains but the decomposition of humanity, it will be breathtaking. I will remember your light. 

Held in suspicion, 

Choking on this dream; 

I will breathe for the very first time.”