Every Coach Needs A Coach

Definition : the ability to make good decisions about what should be done  the act or process of forming an opinion or making a decision after careful thought : the act of judging something or someone an opinion or decision that is based on careful thought Judegment here is defined as an ABILITY! An ability! If something is an ability, that means we can be good at it or bad at it, AND we can IMPROVE it with deliberate practice (Just like if we ask a player to improve their dribbling or shooting ABILITY)

Someone hired a helper; but just before she reported to work, he heard some bad reviews about her from a former employer. When the girl came to work, instead of writing her off, the man said, “Nellie, I spoke the other day to a woman you used to work for. She said you were honest and reliable, a good cook and good at caring for the children. But she also said you were sloppy and never kept the house clean. Now, I think she was lying. You dress neatly, anybody can see that. And I’ll bet you keep the house just as neat as your person. You and I are going to get along fine.” And they did – because he had given Nellie a good reputation and an ideal image to live up to.   Another story is the little boy who wet his bed. This was when the little boy had to share a bed with his grandmother, and he consistently was wetting the bed every night. Sometimes he knew he was doing it too, and he STILL wet the bed! So (kind of combining the succling calf and the housemaid stories), the boy’s mother and father dressed him up and took him to the furniture store to pick out his own bed and mattress. They introduced him to the salesman and told him ‘this young man is here to pick out his own bed’, and the salesman treated the boy as if he was a distinguished grown up. He showed the boy all different kinds of beds, and when the boys parents saw one they liked, they winked at the salesman, who told the boy just how wonderful this particular bed was, the kind of wood it was made out of and the tools that made it. The boy proudly selected that bed. When it was delivered, the boy’s father said to him, ‘surely, a young man like you is too mature and grown up to wet this bed!’ and the little boy agreed. This bed was his own, one he picked out himself, and he took pride in that , so he was going to treat it well.  He got a fine reputation to live up to, AND everyone got what they wanted without an utter of conflict.    I love doing this with my players (and even my patients!)  I basically tell them ‘I believe you have it in you to accomplish XYZ, and with the right effort and guidance, you can do it’.

This is a story from Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People -  Ralph Waldo Emerson and his son were trying to get a calf into the barn (which was what they wanted). Emerson pushed and his son pulled, but the calf merely stiffened his legs and stubbornly refused to leave the pasture. Along came the Irish housemaid, who intuitively considered what the calf would want. She placed her maternal finger in the calf’s mouth, and let the calf suck her finger as she gently led him into the barn.   The outcome here is what everyone wanted. Emerson and his son wanted the calf in the barn. The calf belonged in the barn (whether it knew it or not..it was safe, provides shelter, offers warmth, protects it from being stolen..the list goes on and on)   Sometimes our players are like that calf. We know where they need to go. We know they need to work hard. We know they need to box out, or keep the ball out of a certain player’s hands, or dive on the floor for a ball. We often teach them in the ways that we were taught, without considering a few things.  First off…Is my way the best way? Do I have resources here who might be able to influence these kids in a different, and perhaps better way than I can?  Second (and my preference here), do the KIDS have a better way? They’re the ones out there playing, and if they decide how to accomplish the goal, the OWNERSHIP they can take will help them stick with it. We ALWAYS commit more to executing something we helped plan or decide. Our influence here can be one of belief. By allowing the kids to explore methods for success, we tell them ‘I believe in you. I’m here to guide you or assist you, and you can do this’.     We know 1 or 2 ways to get them there. The beauty is the ways we DON’T think of to get them there (like a nursemaid who gives a calf her finger), which still accomplish our goal, WITHOUT our players kicking and screaming.    Influence is a finger , not a fist. Leadership is influence, not authority.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2018/10/05/five-principles-to-follow-if-you-want-to-influence-others/?sh=2d908f066e29

1. Influence is a persuasive process. It doesn’t happen all at once. 2. Influence is a product of trust. 3. When people feel heard, they’re more open to being influenced. 4. Influence requires persuasively communicating.  Describe the current state. What is going on now? • Establish a need/problem. What is the problem with the current state? What is there a need to change? • Describe the desired state. What does "good" look like? Why is it important to make the change or do what they are suggesting? • Satisfy or solve. What needs to be done? What steps need to be taken to solve the problem or make things happen? Lead with a mutual perspective or their perspective. • Visualize. Picture the benefits when the problem is solved. Why is this better? • Call to action. Get commitment and/or agreement. 5. Influence isn’t about winning; it’s about solving problems. I like this article because it gives actionable steps on how to improve the way we influence our team and players. Most notably I like that they acknowledge that influence comes from trust. Trust is built over time, by doing the things we say we will do, and by being honest with ourselves, our staff, and our players. Being honest can be uncomfortable. Being dishonest leads to longer-term, potentially disastrous results. If we are to be of any kind of influence (good or bad), our organization must trust us, and if we are to be trusted, we must be honest.

169 – Influence – is a persuasive process, it does not happen all at once, it is a product of trust (built on honesty and over time), when people are heard they are more open to influence, it is about actively communicating (describe the current state, establish a need or problem, describe the desired state, satisfy or solve, visualize, call to action, commitment) it is not about winning it is about solving problems. Being honest can be uncomfortable but, it will only save problems from occurring in the future if you were dishonest.

I am looking far and wide for how influence happens, and it’s an elusive topic. I returned to one of my favorite books ‘how to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. I could not quickly find a definition for ‘Influence’ or how it happens.  He does provide a LOT of stories of how to win people towards your way of thinking (which maybe is influence?). I’ve found those strategies a little difficult to apply to coaching high schoolers, because they’ll work in 1 drill or in 1 practice maybe, but to get a long-term carry over of ‘influencing a player to work their hardest’ or ‘influencing our kids to make good decisions’, or ‘Influencing our spouses or kids to clean up after themselves consistently’ I’m still searching for that long-term solution.   https://www.betterup.com/blog/the-secret-behind-how-to-influence-people This is a great article on how influence happens. You guys know me by now, I’m a science and studies and ‘give me the facts and figures’ person.  I’m still looking for journal articles on the psychology of influence and how it happens. But this article gives a great overview and starting point (he references 5 books at the end, which I just ordered 3 of) Lois Melkonian was a news anchor and now writes for Betterup.com. Her main points in the article are are influence happens because  1)intention 2) connection 3)resilient  4) life-long learner  And how to get better at influence others includes 7 tips like  listening, acting with integrity, doing what you say you will do , give others a voice, take care of yourself, stay competent, stay focused, be engaged with others , while being genuine   further reading:  How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey Becoming a Person of Influence, John C. Maxwell Conscious Business, by Fred Kofman Influence, The Psychology of Persuasion, by Robert Cialdini

We can name our captains. We can pick our starting line up. We can choose to title anything we want on our teams. But our players know who has the most influence on the team. They know who the true leaders are because of the INFLUENCE they have on the behavior of others.  We will get into HOW influence happens. I’m enjoying looking through articles on that topic. We know HOW authority happens. We earn a job, we label a kid as ‘captain’, we elect an official, we get promoted at work. That authority is simply a title. As Ken Blanchard says, being a successful leader requires INFLUENCE of our teams, not simply having the title of ‘coach’ or ‘AD’ or ‘boss’.

Power is a tool, influence is a skill; one is a fist, the other a fingertip. Nancy Gibbs I'm not sure about you, but I never took a course in coaching. Most things I've learned about coaching I've come from my own experience, and speaking with other people who have coached for years. It's easy to get better coaching. Go to other coaches practices, have them come To yours and critique you. I think it's a lot harder to get better at influencing. One of my favorite John wooden quotes is a poem that says "no written word nor spoken fully can teach young minds what they should be nor all the books on all the shelves it's what the teachers are themselves. To be a good influence for our players, means to live a good life, and to be that example all the time. That's probably not what we signed up for. And that's really hard to do. If influence is a fingertip like Nancy Gibbs says it is, that means it takes precision and skill to use it correctly. If used correctly, It can change the world for better or worse.  Power is a fist, which sure, can be helpful at times, but the delicate and precise nature of guiding young student-athletes cannot be accomplished with the power of a fist. It takes a gentle hand, a skill that is difficult to master and requires self discipline and awareness to be that example for our kids.

Definition - the capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something, or the effect itself. As a verb, influence typically means "to affect or change someone or something in an indirect but usually important way." Something or someone that influences a person or thing, then, has an influence on that person or thing. We as coaches can play a significant role in our players lives through the sport coach. Often times parents will tell me "you have no idea the influence you have on her quote. When we signed up to coach maybe we did it because we love the game or because we wanna stay involved in it, or because we're still competitive. Not a lot of coaches tell me that they got in it because they want to be a positive influence on the lives of the kids a coach. That's usually an afterthought. And that's understandable. We don't realize the influence we have on these kids. We're going to stories and studies later this week about how influence happens. A lot of it has to do with the time we spend with the people around us.   Parents don’t worry so much who their kids’ teacher is, or their principal, or who their sunday school teacher is. They worry about who they’re hanging out with and spending their time with, because those kids will have an INFLUENCE on theirs.

https://www.inspirationalstories.eu/inspirational-stories-about-happiness/

There was a boy, whose family was very wealthy. One day his father took him on a trip to the country, where he aimed to show his son, how poor people live. So they arrived to a farm of a very poor family, as he considered. They spent there several days. On their return, the father asked his son, did he like the trip.

„Oh, it was great, dad” – the boy replied. „Did you notice how poor people live?” „Yeah, I did“- said the boy. The father asked his son to tell in more details about his impressions from their trip“.

„Well, we have only one dog, and they have four of them. In our garden there is a pool, while they have a river that has no end. We‘ve got expensive lanterns, but they have stars above their heads at night. We have the patio, and they have the whole horizon. We have only a small piece of land, while they have the endless fields. We buy food, but they grow it. We have high fence for protection of our property, and they don‘t need it, as their friends protect them.”

The father was stunned. He could not say a word.

Then the boy added: „Thank you, dad, for letting me see how poor we are.”

This story shows that the true wealth as well as happiness is not measured by material things. Love, friendship and freedom are far more valuable.

Perspective is everything. Appreciate all you have. There is a past version of you who prayed for the problems you have now.

164 – True wealth and happiness aren’t measured by material things; love and friendship are more valuable. Perspective is everything, do not take everything for granted, there are people out there that wish they had things you did.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4449495/ “Happiness & Health: The Biological Factors- Systematic Review Article” (2014) “All of the activities managed by brain. Thoughts, feelings, activities, learning and love, all conducted by the brain. Mood and emotions are not except for this role.” “Another factor that affected happiness in general is hormones and glands. Studies suggested that some released hormones (Cortisol, Adrenaline, Oxitocin) have a fundamental role in happiness and mood regulation. Physical health and attractiveness also influence on happiness and they seem to be significant factor in comprising happiness Finally, it can be said that genetic is all and other factors are additional. Based on special genetic structure, integrating related factors can result in happiness.” “Twin studies suggested that genetic factors count for 35 -50 percent of happiness.” You could stick some people in an all-inclusive, 5 star, beach front hotel for a month, give them top of the line treatment and they would come back and have something to complain about.  Some people you could stick at a crappy cabin  in the middle of the woods and make them find their own food, and they’d come back and tell you how amazing the whole thing was. This article kind of explains how and why that happens.   It’s our job to show our players what they’re capable of, give them an environment they can grow in, and support them in their struggles. It’s not our job to make them happy.

163 – Happiness and Health – research and evidence is a big part of being a physical therapist. The brain is the powerhouse of the body, controlling for example: emotions behaviors, thoughts, and mood. Genetic factors account for up to 50% of happiness. It seems to be noticed that when people are given more they aren’t as happy, to when people are given less. Coaches need to be able to show what their players are capable of, to believe in them and to help build an environment for them to grow in.