Every Coach Needs A Coach

Example/study: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3126102/

“Happiness Unpacked: Positive Emotions Increase Life Satisfaction by Building Resilience”

“Positive emotions lead to higher levels of ego-resilience in the future (Fredrickson et al., in press; Cohn & Fredrickson, in preparation; Fredrickson & Joiner, 2002). Ego-resilience also achieves its effects partly by generating positive emotions. When faced with a stressor, people high on ego-resilience experience more positive emotions than their less resilient peers, even though they experience negative emotions at comparable levels. The difference in positive emotions accounts for their better ability to rebound from adversity and stress, ward off depression, and continue to grow “

“As the broaden-and-build theory predicts, participants who experienced frequent positive emotions became more satisfied not simply because they were enjoying themselves, but because they built resources that help deal with a wide range of life’s challenges.”

“improvements in material wealth and living circumstances – which increase life satisfaction, but produce relatively few positive emotions (Diener, 2007) – will not have these beneficial effects.”

“lived experiences like joy and interest are what start the process of exploring, learning, connecting, and ultimately building new resources. Those resources can later improve one’s life, offering up new opportunities for enjoyment and resource-building.”

Let’s give our players positive lived experiences. Let’s hold our standard, and support them in their struggle to rise to that standard and help them build ego resilience.

162 – Happiness – feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. Positive emotions lead to higher levels of ego resilience in the future. Ego resilience also achieves its affect by generating positive emotions. Positive emotions help to deal with a wide range of life’s challenges. Resources can help build up happier futures. Making the best of every situation good or bad, will only take you as far as you take it. Positive experiences will only make players build resilience and learn from their struggles.

This is one of those quotes that the ‘state farm insurance’ commercials that “stop you from becoming your parents” that hangs on a wall in your house and has no need to be there. I saw this in TJ Maxx years ago (maybe college), and it has hung on a canvas print with me everywhere I go. Now it’s hanging in my office. It falls nicely in line with the quote from Dr. Bonner I gave you yesterday. If you find joy and happiness, success will follow. As I interpret it, the journey should make you enjoy yourself, not the destination. If the destination truly were the reward (let’s say it’s winning a game, for example), then if the other team forfeits, or calls you and says, “you know what coach, we don’t even have to play, you win”, there’s something lost there.

Focus on your journey. Enjoy the daily interactions, the challenges and the rewards. John Wooden said, “each day of the journey is precious, we must strive to make it our masterpiece”

One of my favorite college professors and good friend finished an e mail to me with this line when I told her I’d be transferring colleges. As a 21 year old college kid chasing ‘success’ in my academic, athletic, personal and career goals, I had never stopped to contemplate what ‘success’ really looked like. Conventionally, success is money, respect, good relationships, a husband, a career, higher educational degrees, a house, etc. Her line at the end of this e mail stood out to me and I printed it out. I carried it with me through grad school and my early career years, and I tried to always remember it when I was making a decision. “Find joy and happiness, and success will follow”. Traditionally, it’s “when you are successful, then you will be happy”. Dr. Bonner flipped this notion on it’s head for me. She gave me permission, if you will, to be happy and joyful, allowing the ‘success’ to come as an afterthought. That was probably my first real lesson in ‘the journey is the reward’. I am grateful to her for having the courage to tell me that early in my life, and so glad that I took it to heart.

I try to show that to my players every day. Maybe not ‘find joy and happiness’, but rather ‘connect your passes to feet, and good things will follow’ , or ‘put the ball near the net’ and good things will follow. The true reward is in the effort, not the outcome.

“A simple act of gratitude”  John Kralik was an LA based attorney with a crappy life. He couldn’t afford to pay his employees, he was overweight, overworked, on his 2nd divorce, living in a small apartment with no air conditioning. On New Years Day, he decided he was going to write a thank you note, handwritten and sent through the mail, every day of the year. John said that writing the thank you notes over the course of the year taught him to value the good things and created a discipline of positive focus. “Gratitude presses outwards and that creates good feelings in the universe. A lot of that comes back to you eventually,” To paraphrase Edmund Wilson, gratitude is one of those rare things you get more of by giving it away. I did this through Key 5 Coaching last January, and it changed my outlook. I wrote to college professors, bosses, family members, patients, former players. Some acknowledged them, others I didn’t hear from. And all of them I looked forward to writing and thinking about who I was going to write to the next day. I knew that on the other side of that note was a big smile of someone who felt appreciated. For all I knew that note was the highlight of their day.

One of my favorite games to play is ‘This is good because…’  I don’t remember where I picked it up, but I’m grateful to the person who showed it to me since it’s gotten me through a lot of difficult situations and times I found it really, really hard to find the good in something.  Next time you’re in a situation where you are frustrated and feel discouraged, challenge yourself to finish the sentence , “ This is good because…” It’s difficult at first. You may want to answer sarcastically. It may take you 2-3 minutes to come up with something that’s even remotely close to ‘good’, and that’s okay. The point is that you find SOME reason this is good.  When Nick and I were dating for almost a year, we took a trip to Florida on Labor day weekend. Due to a hurricane, our flight home got cancelled, and we had to rent a car to take from Ft. Lauderdale to NJ… and what seemed like a daunting 19 hour drive became moderately enjoyable at times because of the sentence ‘ this is good because’...we got extra time together, we got to see parts of the country we’d never otherwise see . we got to share our favorite comedians and musicians with each other, we ate snacks and junk food. We talked about our future. It was good, but only because we found the good.  This is good because...

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5085955/

This is a narrative written by Dr. John Kelly from the Journal Clinical Orthopedics and Related Research. He discusses how gratitude can rewire the brain when it has good feelings flowing through it. He says, “The brain can literally be rewired to more easily transmit circuits associated with generation of good feelings. A willful and deliberate focus on all that is good in one’s life will shift one’s baseline temperament and increase feelings of well-being. But it requires a decision, and it requires practice.” He references Angeles Arrien’s “Living in Gratitude” and what he refers to as “Grateful Seeing”, making note that this deliberate choice is ours every minute of every day.

Dr. Kelly also references that our ego’s often get in the way of our personal and professional lives. He notes that we rush and rush around searching for promotions and honors when we are missing our kids’ sports games or anniversaries. Then he says, “Contrast this plight to a surgeon who is close to his or her loved ones and arrives at work happy, balanced, and well-rested. This surgeon also does research and writes because it brings the satisfaction of effecting positive change and using one’s talents for a higher purpose.” The idea is that when our hearts and minds rest in a state of gratitude, everyone gets a better version of us to deal with.

Your kids deserve a coach who is pouring from a full cup. Do things and live in such a way that will fill your cup so you can give your best to those who need you most.

155 – Gratitude is defined as the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. Gratitude can rewire the brain when it has good things flowing through it, it requires practice though. Grateful seeing, this choice is ours to make every day. When our hearts and mind are in a state of gratitude, everyone around us as well as ourselves get a better version of us to deal with.

the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

“Gratitude is pausing to notice and appreciate the things that we often take for granted, like having a place to live, food, clean water, friends, family, even computer access. It's taking a moment to reflect on how fortunate we are when something good happens — whether it's a small thing or a big thing.” - https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/gratitude.html

The power of gratitude is immense. Gratitude is like a magic spell that once you start to express it, your mood immediately lifts. Your attitude shifts. Your outlook changes from glum and dismal to happy and content.

The beauty of that spell is that when you start to become aware of all the situations that stress you out, you can begin expressing gratitude in them (This is really difficult to do).

I have noticed though, that when I start to feel upset, if I can find something, something to be grateful for, other things start to make themselves clear that I’m grateful for too.

Like the first droplet that opens a floodgate, that first expression of gratitude serves as a catalyst to bust open a mindset that appreciates the entirety of the situation.

A grateful mind and heart is one of the best gifts we can give our players. If we can show them that we’re grateful for the opportunity to coach them. They should be grateful for the opportunity to be on the team. We’re grateful for the challenges they throw at us because those challenges are opportunities to grow and change, they can be grateful for when we challenge them. If we’re grateful that a game falls through, or a player gets hurt, or we lose a heartbreaker, we can show them that hey, “I’m grateful we had the chance to prepare for that game together. I’m grateful you’ll recover and have a new appreciation for your body and being able to play and practice. I’m grateful that other team gave their best effort to beat us and we got to be a part of that”.

Gratitude offers a lens that can open our minds and clear our hearts. I’m excited to take the journey this week with you in learning quotes, studies, and stories about gratitude.

During Covid last year, every day was unpredictable. We were supposed to play the team on Saturday, and Friday afternoon got news that they were not able to play us. We had gone about 10 days without playing a game, and our kids were really looking forward to having one. It happened to be the week of Halloween, and my team had done Halloween theme week.  That practice, they all came in costume. I had planned a practice, but once I broke the news to them that there was no game, they asked me if we could just have fun. When I asked what fun meant, their answers were handball, football, and a soccer game called power/finesse.

One of the girls came as a dodgeball player from average Joe's, and another as a hotdog. Their team name was the average wieners. We left all practice. I had the right personalities at the right time to let them just let loose and have fun. Those kids taught me how to make the best of a tough situation. That was one of the most fun practices I've ever been a part of, and I hope that when they think of their most fun practice ever in 10 years, that one comes to mind.