Every Coach Needs A Coach

Once upon a time there was a little boy who was rich and could have anything he wanted. One day he passed the shop where there was a strange mirror in the window. He asked his parents to buy the mirror which they did.  When he brought it home he looked at it and couldn't see his reflection. He stood there for a few minutes and suddenly his reflection appeared. But the boy in the mirror was said. His shoulders were forward his head was down he almost looked as if he was crying. The boy made faces of the mirror, waved his arms around, and tried to sneak up on the image in the mirror, but the mirrors image stay the same, sad boy.  He came back the next day and the same thing happened. This went on every day for a week or two, and the boy couldn’t figure out what was going on.  Then one day he was walking through the park and saw a little boy about his age, crying on a bench. He asked what was wrong, and the little boy had gotten lost in the park and couldn’t find his parents.  The rich little boy and the sad little boy walked through the park together until they finally found his parents. The family was so happy and relieved to be reunited, they cried tears of joy and hugged. The parents thanked the rich little boy profusely and walked home, hand in hand with their son.   When the rich boy returned home, he looked in the mirror and saw himself right away, but this time he wasn’t sad. He was as happy as that little boy who he helped the moment they found his parents. He was overcome with joy, and realized quickly what this meant.   The mysterious mirror reflected what he felt on the inside, not what people saw on the outside. He resolved that he would care for someone and help someone else every day, so that his feelings on the inside would be of genuine joy and empathy as he expressed how he could care for someone else.

In the summer of 2020 we weren't sure if we were going to have high school soccer season in the fall. But if we did, I wanted every player to be eligible because they needed soccer more than anything that year. As soon as I could, I checked to make sure that all of our players were medically cleared. I must've sent 50 emails that summer, updating kids on their status, answering questions about who to give the forms to, and by when. Through those efforts, and those of the kids and their parents, every kid was cleared when they needed to be. No one had to sit out at that first day of tryouts.

The summer of 2021 was similar. Slightly less chaotic, but I was just as persistent with the emails, sending individual ones out to ensure every player would be cleared when tryouts began. Again, through the efforts of the kids and their families, every player was cleared on that first day.

As a coach, we take on a lot of responsibilities, and I'm not sure that sending individual emails regarding the status of every kid's clearance falls under that umbrella. It certainly did not when I was an athlete.  My motive behind sending those emails, was the answer to the question “What would a Coach who cares about their players do to help ensure that every player is eligible?”

I think the answer was that they would get in touch with everyone and let them know their status, and encourage them to get the right forms to the right people at the right time.

I let the kids know in those emails, "I want you to be cleared so that we can get the best look at you during tryouts. I want you to be eligible to play." And I meant it. “What would a coach who cares do?” I use it as a healthcare provider as well. “What would a physical therapist who actually cares about me do?”

That’s the guiding question that I've been using to make decisions on how and when to communicate. It takes courage to care, and that’s something we can all work on.

Last week a few of our players had siblings and close friends who left for college. One player who is usually bubly and energetic showed up about 20 minutes early to practice, with her shoulders slumped, just standing by the equipment we’d put down. I asked her what was up, and she told me ’Tom leaves for college today, he just dropped me off’. I asked if she was okay, to which she replied ‘I broke down last night, but I’m better today. Soccer helps.”

I know she wanted to go with her parents to drop him off, but that would mean she’d miss practice, and would be ineligible per the state’s criteria to scrimmage as she needs 6 practices to play in it. So she stayed home, and was a little sad about it. She went on to have a good practice, and I overheard her tell some teammates that Tom had left for college that morning.

Now this player happens to be a starter, and happens to want to play high level college soccer. Her talent on the field has nothing to do with her emotions or value as a person. So I’d like to think that regardless of her playing time, status, or talent, I’d have cared enough about her to find out what was up that morning.

Quote - “From caring comes courage.” – Lao Tzu

courage to have hard conversations

courage to hold players and staff and parents accountable

courage to try new things

courage to fail and fail safely

courage go all out

It takes courage to be uncomfortable, so if you care about the people around you, genuinely care about them, you can take courage in acting on the things that are best for them and the team.

“They’ll never care how much you know until they know how much you care”  Take a minute to think about the person who cares about you the most. Maybe it's a parent, or a sibling, or a spouse, or a child. Who do you know cares about you the most? I want you to think of a time when you had a problem. Who was the first person that you went to to help you solve that problem? I'm curious if it's the same person who cares the most about you. We trust the people who care about us. We go to them for advice. We know that they'll be honest with us, because they care about us and we know it.  As this relates to coaching, you could know all there is to know about your game. If your kids know that you care about them, you can accelerate their learning and the transfer of your knowledge to them, because they know that you care about them, what was best for them, and trust you enough to allow you to teach them what you know. That's really powerful, and the opposite is true as well. If they don't trust you, it's a lot more difficult to teach them effectively. This week we're gonna talk about what it looks like to care about people. Think about that person again, the one in the beginning who cares the most about you. What actions do they take to show you that they care? What actions can you take to show your athletes that you care about them as people first?

Definition: feel concern or interest; attach importance to something. look after and provide for the needs of.  serious attention or consideration applied to doing something correctly or to avoid damage or risk.  One of Lewis Howes guests defined greatness as “at my funeral I want people arguing over who I loved the most. I want there to be loud arguments of people saying “I know that she loves me more than anyone else because of the way she cared about me”  One of my business mentors (a rough around the edges british guy) calls it GAS (Give A Shit).   Drawing on what we know from action and behavior, what does it LOOK like when you CARE (or GAS?) do you call your players? Do you check in with them every other day or so? Do they know you WANT to learn about them and their lives?   How will people know you CARED about them? What would a coach who CARES about their players do? Reverse engineer that, and use that to help you decide on how you want to respond to a situation.

https://www.npr.org/2009/04/06/102649267/i-am-still-the-greatest"I have always believed in myself, even as a young child growing up in Louisville, Ky. My parents instilled a sense of pride and confidence in me, and taught me and my brother that we could be the best at anything. I must have believed them, because I remember being the neighborhood marble champion and challenging my neighborhood buddies to see who could jump the tallest hedges or run a foot race the length of the block. Of course I knew when I made the challenge that I would win. I never even thought of losing. In high school, I boasted weekly — if not daily — that one day I was going to be the heavyweight champion of the world. As part of my boxing training, I would run down Fourth Street in downtown Louisville, darting in and out of local shops, taking just enough time to tell them I was training for the Olympics and I was going to win a gold medal. And when I came back home, I was going to turn pro and become the world heavyweight champion in boxing. I never thought of the possibility of failing — only of the fame and glory I was going to get when I won. I could see it. I could almost feel it. When I proclaimed that I was the "Greatest of All Time," I believed in myself. And I still do." That’s the way a champion behaves. This is coming from a man who  was quoted as saying “I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.'” This is what it takes - acting as if you are already the greatest in the world. Acting as if no one can beat you. Behaving the way a champion behaves. Training how a champion trains. What is going to separate you from your opponents? Likely you have the same goal, but it's the behaviors, the systems, and the belief that will help you get there

123 – Mohammad Ali Act as if, behave as if, that the way the greatest behave. He hated training, but he didn’t wait. We can’t get the results if we don’t train, like a champion. You have to think you are the best in the world before you are a champion. If you want certain result you have to behave certain ways. The prep and the behavior of athletes are what separates teams, and from them reaching their goals. Teams should act as if they already have achieved their goals..

Driving through town just my boy and me With a happy meal in his booster seat Knowing that he couldn't have the toy 'Till his nuggets were gone Green traffic light turned straight to red I hit my brakes and mumbled under my breath His fries went a flying and his orange drink covered his lap Well then my four year old said a four letter word That started with "s" and I was concerned So I said son now now where did you learn to talk like that He said I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are We got cowboy boots and camo pants Yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad I wanna do everything you do So I've been watching you" - Rodney Atkins https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uzK3VwzraM This brings us full circle in talking about behavior. We can talk the talk, but we must be able to walk the walk and back up what we preach to our players, our kids, and the people we spend time with and have an influence on.  Take a minute to think about who is watching you. I bet you can name 1-2 people (maybe a boss, or a child, or a spouse)...and that’s who you KNOW of who is watching you. There may be countless others watching your moves. Maybe it’s people in your community or people online who follow your social media accounts.   The point is we don’t know who is watching or when, so it’s best to behave in such a way that it doesn’t matter.

Imagine that at 25 years old you get news that your kidneys don't work, and that you need to be on dialysis in order to survive for the rest of your life. Three hours a day, three times a week, literally forever for you. Do you throw in the towel and let God take you then? Do you give up your hobbies and your passions because there goes a significant part of your weeks? Or do you see it as an opportunity to squeeze every second of every day? Mark test coin what is the assistant girls soccer coach and softball coach at James Caldwell high school for more than 35 years.  He recently passed away from cancer in January 2021. When he was in his 20s, he was diagnosed with kidney failure and given the news I just shared with you.   He is the best example I can share of someone who behaved in such a way that inspired his students, athletes, colleagues, and family. He lived with a sense of humor, honesty, and zest for life that was contagious.   His response to being diagnosed with kidney failure , and the way he looked at it (you’d never know he ever had a problem unless you asked about the under armour wrist sweatband he always wore to cover the port for dialysis), inspires me daily. I am forever grateful for how he behaved in front of me and his other athletes, becuase of his response to his ailment and how he chose to act because of (or perhaps in spite of?) it. Thank you, Coach Mark.

Can you think of someone in your life who told you, "do as I say, not as I do "? Maybe they didn't even say it, but you knew that their behavior was unacceptable, and so did they, but no one intervened to change their behavior.   The world is shown so many examples of what not to do, we need more people showing us what to do instead. And probably the reason for that, is because it can be really difficult to behave in a way that you would like others in your organization to behave.  If you want your players care about each other, you have to care about your coaches, your administration, and your players. If you want the officials to respect you, you have to respect them, your players, and your opponents. You need to show them what caring looks like. Call them after they get hurt in a game or at practice. You should know how many siblings they have. Can you have a conversation about their favorite subject in school, or their favorite professional sports team? Caring looks different for everyone, but it likely feels the same to everyone you care about.   Coach and behave in such a way that you can proudly stay out of the ’Do as I say, not as I do’ category.