Everything Always

Today’s episode is an interview with Melissa Valder, a woman who grew up in a blended family and is passionate about sharing her story and insights with families now going through the experience themselves. The blended family experience from the child’s point of view offers insight into how our children may process this journey later as adults.

As Melissa reflects on her parent’s divorce, remarriages, custody arrangement, and communication, she recognizes the things that impact her still today – both as challenges and strengths. Children learn through their parents and how they handle situations, and the children of blended families are no different.

Today, Melissa and I will talk about the challenges she faced growing up in a blended family and what she’d say to her parents of 20 years ago knowing what she knows now. She’ll also give some tips on how to better handle adult conversations, money management involving the kids, and communication with your co-parent – even if you don’t like them.  

00:45 – 05:00 - Introducing today’s topic: A child’s experience within a blended family

05:00 – 11:00 - Melissa’s relationship with the members of her blended family

11:00 – 16:00 - The beauty of a step-parent’s role and how your child might feel

16:00 – 21:30 - How Melissa processed the struggles she faced within a blended family

21:30 – 28:00 - The dynamic she witnessed between her parents and step parents

28:00 – 35:00 - Taking care of yourself and the good/bad of custody arrangements

35:00 – 41:30 - Choosing to learn from your experiences whether good or challenging

Today’s episode is a crash course on the top assumptions people tend to make about their new blended family. It’s important to manage these unrealistic assumptions because the truth is, things probably won’t be fine and dandy from the get-go! And that’s ok. 

Nothing in life comes easy. The relationship between you and your new step-child – or between new siblings – may not be exactly how you dreamed it would be before you moved in. Don’t stress. That’s normal. As with any relationship, it takes time to build trust and connection. 

Today, Mike and I will talk about the process of gaining trust and respect within your new family dynamic. Listen in to hear some tips to get on the same page as your spouse, and learn how communication can get you that much closer to the blended family experience you first had in mind. 

01:00 – 05:00 - Introducing today’s topic: Managing assumptions and expectations

05:00 – 09:30 - Expecting your new family and step-family to get along perfectly

09:30 – 13:00 - On earning trust and respect

13:00 – 20:00 - On step-kid behavior, empathy, and taking responsibility

20:00 – 29:00 - On the relationship between spouses and active communication

29:00 – 34:00 – Some final takeaways

Today’s episode is about NOT using your child as your counselor. This topic has come up frequently with friends and family, so we’re excited to share some bits of advice. It’s easy to forget that your child cannot process or relate to the things you’re going through, and it puts them in a tough position to even try. 

Your children aren’t your counselor or your friend, listeners. They’re not equipped to be on the receiving end of your vent and they don’t want to be in the middle. Sharing your problems or venting about their other parent isn’t helping anything, in fact, it’s damaging their relationship with you and others they love.

Today, Mike and I will talk about a teenager who was in the middle of something devastating between her parents – and she knew because her mother was narrating every painful detail. Listen in to hear the lasting impact that venting too many details has on children and what every parent can do to avoid using their child to justify their feelings. 

04:30 – 06:30 - Introducing today’s topic: Using your child as a counselor

06:30 – 08:00 - Your child is not your friend; they need your stability

08:00 – 13:00 - An example of a child being given too many details

13:00 – 15:30 - The long-term impact of putting your child in the middle

15:30 – 17:30 - Some tips for parents

17:30 – 21:00 - Protecting your child’s experience and setting your ego aside

21:00 – 25:00 – Final thoughts: Your child isn’t there to justify your feelings

To honor all the moms and step-moms for Mother’s Day, I wanted to do an episode on what we think but don’t often say about our blended family experience. When I speak to new step-moms, I often get an exasperated sigh followed by some version of, “I didn’t sign up for this!”

The truth is, you did! But it’s also true that you couldn’t have possibly known all the complexities that come with step-motherhood before you signed up. Now that you’re in, breathe. It’s okay. You aren’t alone.

Today, I’ll discuss the most common concerns I hear from mothers and step-mothers of blended families. As a gift for that special woman on Mother’s Day , I’ll also give you fathers and partners some tips to show that special woman that she is loved, appreciated, and acknowledged. Listen in to hear some step-mom fine print and learn how to navigate through the crazy (but totally worth it) journey of step-motherhood.

02:00 – 04:00 - Introducing today’s topic: What moms and step-moms think but don’t say

04:00 – 08:00 - Accepting the complexities that come with step-motherhood

08:00 – 12:00 – Love, respect, and reprioritizing

12:00 – 15:30 - The importance of help, acknowledgement, and appreciation

15:30 – 22:30 - Pressure, responsibility, and navigating the extended family

22:30 – 27:30 - Boundaries and understanding that you aren’t always the priority

27:30 – 29:00 - A final takeaway and communication tip 

I recently saw a quote on Instagram that read, “I had to forgive someone who wasn’t even sorry. That’s strength.” The concept of forgiveness can be a difficult one to grasp - especially in blended families where relationships have ended in pain. How do you forgive? When? 

Forgiveness can relieve you of the burden of hate, anger, and pain so that you can move on. Because really, forgiveness is as much for you as it is for the person you’re forgiving. It allows you both to come away at peace, complete, and ready to take your next step.

Today, we’ll discuss how to forgive when the other person isn’t sorry. The thing is, you can’t let someone else or their actions determine how you go through life. At some point, you’ve got to make the decision to take control. Listen in to hear how boundaries, patience, vulnerability, and self-awareness all strengthen your ability to let go. 

01:00 – 04:00 - Introducing today’s topic: Forgiveness

04:00 – 08:00 - The natural course of emotions and understanding that things take time

08:00 – 14:00 - Forgiveness as a process and boundaries

14:00 – 18:00 - The role of vulnerability and self-awareness when forgiving

18:00 – 21:30 – Final thoughts: Always be kind and join our community

On Friday mornings, at 7am PST, we do a Facebook Live that we call Brewing with the Moulders. Basically, we roll out of bed, brew some coffee, go live, and talk about all kinds of things that come up in life. Like a box of chocolates, you’ll never know what you’re gonna get – whether it be funny, serious, intellectual...or not – but it’s always a good time. Join us sometime!

We sparked up a conversation a couple weeks ago has that continued via direct messages and personal conversations, so we decided it’d be a great topic to discuss here.  The topic – having different values than your co-parent – is clearly one that blended families are begging to have brought to the limelight.  

Today, we’ll discuss the common issues that arise when there’s a difference in values and how to move past them. The thing is, you probably aren’t going to change your ex’s values, so the real hurdle is changing the way you see them. Listen in to hear how consistency, communication, respect, understanding, and appreciation are the keys to a happier co-parenting experience – and learn why your kids will be so much better off when this is the case. 

02:30 – 04:00 – Today’s topic: Having different values than your co-parent

04:00 – 08:00 - Values and the complications that arise when they are misaligned

08:00 – 12:30 - Emulating the same values you try to instill in your child

12:30 – 17:00 - Allowing communication, respect, and understanding

17:00 – 19:30 - A letter from a listener to exemplify co-parenting with misaligned values

19:30 – 22:00 - Allowing your kids to form an opinion and asking them questions

Many Everything Always listeners are writing in to let us know that they are childless step-parents seeking better ways to navigate their new role. That’s why I’m so excited to have Heather Stewart on the show to talk about all the different facets of this rewarding – and sometimes challenging – position within a blended family.

Before she met her husband, Heather lived a life for herself. After all, she was single with no kids! But, when she fell in love with a man who had two young boys, everything changed. She naturally moved into a parental role to help her husband and discovered everything that comes with blended family life.

Today, Heather and I will discuss how she moved into the role of step-mom and the things she, her husband, and the bio-mom do to communicate courteously and effectively. We’ll also get into parenting involvement and letting go of resentments for the sake of the kids. Listen in to hear how Heather connected with her step-sons, why they call her “mom”, and what she has realized about mini parent fails. 

00:30 – 07:30 - Introducing Heather and how she became an insta-mom

07:30 – 13:00 - Navigating the relationship with step-kids and the bio-parent

13:00 – 24:00 - Knowing when to get involved and keeping emotions in check

24:00 – 30:00 - Heather’s connection with her step-kids and why they call her “mom”

30:00 – 36:30 - Putting your child’s happiness first, letting little things go, and staying positive

36:30 – 42:00 - Heather’s blog and her voice for “wicked” step-moms

Today I’m interviewing Toby Hazlewood an author, freelance writer, father, husband and project manager. He has written on topics including parenting, personal development, modern-life, culture and entrepreneurship. As founder of Divorced Lifestyle Design, Toby is passionate about inspiring those who are working through divorce or separation to choose to thrive rather than merely survive after divorce.

Toby exemplifies that a post-divorce life can be awesome – which can be hard to imagine when you’re in the thick of it. He shares tools and mindset hacks that you can use to reframe your situation and push forward happily and healthily.

On today’s episode, Toby will talk about “bird nesting”; an unconventional living situation where the children live in their own home full-time and their divorced parents live with them in turns. That’s very different from the traditional way we have the kids move back and forth, right? Listen in to hear why Toby is so passionate about living a post-divorce life by design rather than convention.

01:00 – 06:00 - Introducing Toby Hazlewood and today’s topic

06:00 – 13:00 – Toby’s journey and “new start”

13:00 – 19:00 – Tips from the “90-Day Playbook for Thriving After Divorce”

19:00 – 28:00 - Toby’s blended family dynamic and “bird nesting”

28:00 – 33:00 - How “bird nesting” impacted the new spouses and families

33:00 – 36:00 - Uniting the whole family in or out of the nest

36:00 – 41:00 - The biggest challenge of “bird nesting”: Changing rules, same home

41:00 – Going outside the box to create a life by design and thrive

Resources:

• Divorced Lifestyle Design Facebook community
• Toby’s Website – Divorced Lifestyle Design

It’s hard enough to manage the dynamics of one family, not to mention doing it as a blended family!  From different preferences, to habits, to diets, to bedtimes, to personalities – the list goes on – when two families become one it adds a whole new set of challenges to the ones you’ve already got.

Creating a happy and healthy family unit requires work, dedication, and major commitment – whether it’s your first, second, or third rodeo. That’s why it’s so important to anticipate the common feelings that may come up and challenge the success of your blended family.

Today, we’ve got a list of eight feelings that you’ll probably feel at some point during your blended family experience – and, by the way, they’re normal. But, if you don’t acknowledge and move past them, it could be detrimental. Listen in to hear how resentment, ego, needing control, lacking grace, jealousy, unfairness, faking it, and giving up can ruin your blended family – and learn how to move past these things to reach a happier family unit.  

01:30 – 07:00 – Introducing today’s topic: Why blended families don’t work

07:00 – 11:00 – Resentment and ego

11:00 – 16:00 – Let go of needing control and give grace

16:00 – 27:30 - Get over jealousy, keep things fair, and don’t fake that it’s easy

27:30 – 30:00 - Giving up on making it work

30:00 – 34:00 – There will always be ups and downs; be grateful for moments of growth

Resources:

• The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Today I’m speaking with Naja Hall, a family and life coach dedicated to promoting harmony and restoring balance in mending, broken, and blended millennial families. She is the Founder of Blended and Black, a thriving online community complete with support groups, online courses, and a popular blog. She’s also launching her new podcast, “I know I’m Crazy”!

Naja knows how easy it is to stay in the land of victimhood. That’s why she helps new step and co parents get past projections and be unbothered so they can have peace with themselves – regardless of whatever wild roller coaster someone else is on. The truth is, when it comes to navigating a relationship with a new co-parent, we can only take accountability for our own actions and emotions.

Naja will also get into boundary-setting and conscious, intentional interaction with your new co-parent. Although you’ll probably never become BFFs with your partner’s ex, it is possible to create a relationship with them that is built on boundaries and respect. Listen in to hear how to keep a stable home for the kids, maintain loyalty binds without taking it to the extreme, and connect with other families that are in the same boat.  

01:00 – 05:00 – Introducing Naja, her mission, and her journey

05:00 – 10:00 – Steps to swerve past projections, be unbothered, and have peace

10:00 – 12:30 - Seeing instability, taking accountability, and getting off someone else’s ride

12:30 – 17:30 - The importance of boundary-setting and conscious interaction

17:30 – 23:30 - Navigating the bio and step relationship with boundaries and respect

23:30 – 28:30 - How to keep stability in the home for the kids

28:30 – 34:00 - Loyalty binds versus enmeshment and the outcome of each