EVOLVE with Dr. Milton

Perfectionism by definition: perfectionism is an outward expression of an inward lack of peace.

Perfectionism is driven primarily by internal pressures, such as the desire to avoid failure or harsh judgment. There is likely a social component as well, because perfectionistic tendencies have increased substantially among young people over the past 30 years, regardless of gender or culture. Greater academic and professional competition is thought to play a role, along with the pervasive presence of social media and the harmful social comparisons it elicits.

Perfection manifests itself in three domains. Self-oriented perfectionism is imposing an unrealistic desire to be perfect on oneself. Other-oriented perfectionism means imposing unrealistic standards of perfection on others. Socially-prescribed perfectionism involves perceiving unrealistic expectations of perfection from others.

Perfectionists are:

• All or nothing mindset

FREEDOM from perfectionistic tendencies:

Fulfill your God given call to live under grace and not the law.

Release your burden and guilt to God

Eliminate your need to please others and seek to please God alone

Enlarge your time for rest, recreation, and communion with God

Decide to acknowledge your personal feelings honestly and release all resentment

Obey Jesus's mandate to live under the law of love rather than fear

Maintain your sense of significance and satisfy your need for security by finding your identity in Christ

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 What exactly is a DYSFUNCTIONAL family?

The McGraw-Hill Concise Dictionary of modern Medicine defines the term 'dysfunctional family' as "a family with multiple 'internal' conflicts, e.g. sibling rivalries, parent-child conflicts, domestic violence, mental illness, single parenthood, or 'external' conflicts, e.g. alcohol or drug abuse, extramarital affairs, gambling, unemployment-influences that affect the basic needs of the family unit."

People tend to learn their parenting styles from their parents or other caregivers. If their parents abused them, they may abuse their children. Or, they may go overboard the other direction, being unnecessarily lenient. They may manipulate each other and their children as their parents did. They may not truly understand how to teach their children in healthy ways.

The good news for people who grew up in a dysfunctional family is that they can learn better ways of parenting. They can deal with the issues they still carry as adults and learn how to love, appreciate, respect, and deal with each other in a less emotional, erratic way. All they need is the willingness to do the work it takes to overcome those issues and find someone to teach them better ways to parent.

It’s important to disclaim that the idea of a perfect parent/family is a myth. Parents are human, flawed and experiencing their own concerns. Most children can deal with an occasional angry outburst, as long as there is love and understanding to counter it. In “functional” families, parents strive to create an environment in which everyone feels safe, heard, loved and respected. Households are often characterized by low conflict, high levels of support and open communication (Shaw, 2014). This helps children navigate physical, emotional and social difficulties when they are young, and has lasting impacts as they transition into adulthood.

During their younger years, children form certain beliefs and carry them, unchallenged, into adulthood. These beliefs are influenced by their parents’ actions and statements and are often internalized, for instance, “children should respect their parents no matter what,” “it’s my way or no way” or “children should be seen, not heard.” This forms the soil from which toxic behavior grows and may be communicated directly or disguised as words of advice, expressed in terms of “shoulds”, “oughts” and “supposed tos.”

The term “ACEs” is an acronym for Adverse Childhood Experiences. It originated in a groundbreaking study conducted in 1995 by the Centers for Disease Control and the Kaiser Permanente health care organization in California. In that study, “ACEs” referred to three specific kinds of adversity children faced in the home environment—various forms of physical and emotional abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction. The key findings of dozens of studies using the original ACEs data are: (1) ACEs are quite common, even among a middle-class population: more than two-thirds of the population report experiencing one ACE, and nearly a quarter have experienced three or more. (2) There is a powerful, persistent correlation between the more ACEs experienced and the greater the chance of poor outcomes later in life, including dramatically increased risk of heart disease, diabetes, obesity, depression, substance abuse, smoking, poor academic achievement, time out of work, and early death.

Examples of ACEs include enduring or being exposed to abuse or neglect, familial violence, mental illness, parental separation, divorce or substance abuse.

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Victim mentality is a psychological term that refers to a type of dysfunctional mindset which seeks to feel persecuted in order to gain attention or avoid self-responsibility. People who struggle with the victim mentality are convinced that life is not only beyond their control, but is out to deliberately hurt them. This belief results in constant blame, finger-pointing, and pity parties that are fueled by pessimism, fear, and anger. The victim mentality is an acquired personality trait, meaning that it is the result of early life conditioning and coping mechanisms.

Why do some individual's like playing the victim? In their minds being a victim has its benefits, for instance:

• Not having to take responsibility for anything

Playing the victim actually gives them a lot of power: power to avoid responsibility, power to feel “righteously” sad and persecuted, power to avoid uncomfortable emotions, and power to manipulate other people.

How to stop being the victim?

1. Start by replacing "you" with "I"

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References

Sol, M. (2020, March 28). 23 Signs You’re Suffering From a Victim Mentality ⋆. LonerWolf. https://lonerwolf.com/victim-mentality/

The reason some of people are faltering and failing right now is that they have a visualization of themselves that does not coincide with the Word of God. And what you visualize in your spirit will happen in your life.

Vision is a powerful thing!

Thats why the enemy of our souls works diligently to abort you from having a visualization of seeing yourself any better off than you are. He does not want you to see yourself

• Progressing

He would rather give you visions of

• you falling

Progression

Thoughts become words, words influence our emotions

our emotions affect our decisions, our decisions affect our actions

our actions become habits, our habits shape our character

and our character leads us to our final destination in life… and it all started with a thought!!!

If you truly want to experience God’s best for your life, the life that overflows then you have to line up your thoughts with the Word of God. Vertical alignment NOT  a horizontal one!!!

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By definition: Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.

Signs of codependency include:

• Difficulty making decisions in a relationship

The following questions can serve as a guide to determine if your relationship involves codependency:

1. Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner's needs?

Codependency is too complex to pinpoint a single cause. However, it often starts in childhood. Children who grow up in a dysfunctional home often find themselves wanting or needing to help others because the adults in the family can’t or won’t.

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Will my life ever change or am I destined to fail? Is this my lot in life? Why is life so unfair? Does this run in my DNA? Is it my family tree? Is it my parents life? Am I too old to change my destination?

These are some of the questions that I am frequently asked by people that have reached a point of frustration because life seems to never change. They continue to make the same mistakes. Their decisions/choices continue to get them into all sorts of trouble and they never seem to get it right.

Can their life change? Of course...ONLY if they are willing to renew their MINDS... A RENEWED MIND will produce a TRANSFORMED LIFE.

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The Bible tells us to take every thought captive. (2 Corinthians 10:5) That means that I have a chance to do something about all thoughts that are not well-pleasing to God, before they enter my heart and become a part of me!

“As a man thinks, so is he.” Proverbs 23:7. What we think about is crucial to who we are. Scientists don’t agree on how many thoughts we have each day, but all agree there are thousands of them. Who we are is shaped moment by moment by the thoughts we choose to let into our mind and heart. But how can we control the thousands of thoughts that enter our mind each day? What do we do with the thoughts that are not pleasing to God? How can we, in reality, take every thought captive?

Often, our thoughts have to be focused on the regular tasks we must accomplish that day. However, as we go through the day, we can catch thoughts and attitudes that are contrary to God’s will and keep them from gaining control of our mind and heart. Paul explains how this is possible: “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.’’ 2 Corinthians 10:4-5. It is written that we need to battle to keep our thoughts pure, but it is also written that we have weapons to fight with!

You view the world through your mental attitude. If that attitude is predominantly negative, it can impact everything, including health, career, family, and more. Furthermore, negative thinking can have a spiraling effect that attracts more negative thinking.

We don't overcome negative thought patterns, we replace them. For most of us, those negative thought patterns are well-worn neural pathways. Four simple steps:

1. Notice when you have started the pattern.

2. Acknowledge that its a pattern you want to change.

3. Articulate what you want to be different.

4. Choose a different behavior — one that serves your goals.

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Adolescent mental health issues are on the rise especially during COVID-19 and the suicidal hotline has seen a spike in their calls. Their activity has increased by 800%.

We cannot and should not turn our backs on a very evident issue we are facing today. We would like to blame it on social media, the culture of the times and some go so far as to blame it on the presidency. However, the truth of the matter is that 85% of the issues the young person is going through started in the home.

Number one mental health issue: depression

Second cause of death: suicide

FOMO (fear of missing out) - This social anxiety is characterized by "a desire to stay continually connected with what others are doing

some of you know what’s happening in the White House but you are totally oblivious to what’s happening in your house.

you don’t know what you don’t know

and ignorance is not bliss... it steals, kills, and destroys

Hosea 4:6 “my people are destroyed for lack of knowledge” (NKJV) - If you can’t define it, you will never defeat it

- Examine me, O God, and know my mind; test me, and discover my thoughts. Find out is there is any evil in me. ~ David

Let me for a moment focus on dads, that doesn’t mean that I am underestimating the power of a mother. Women become moms the moment they find out they’re expecting, Men become dads the moment they carry the baby.

-  the power of a dad in a child’s life is unmatched

-  one hug from dad is worth 20 kisses from mom

-  who we are as dads speaks of who our children will become in the future

your son will become like you

         your daughter will end up marrying someone like you

- men, you have the power to impact your children either for good or for bad, you words bless them or curse them, you have the power to lift them up or tear them down, you can either fill them hope or inundate their minds and hearts with despair

- I have set before you life or death, blessings and curses, choose life that you and your children may live (Deut 30:19)

- as a father you MUST have the mindset that being a father is your most important MINISTRY

You have such a small window of opportunity to impact their lives and to train them up (a child, not a young teen, not a young adult, a child)

- 0-11 trainer coach

• Before you can “train them up” you must connect to their hearts. You can’t lead them by the hand it you haven’t earned their hearts.

- Do you care for me?

Every home needs a Jesus, are you willing to become like Jesus?

4 ways to parent

Rules - Relationship = Rebellion

Relationship - Rules = Aggression

Absence = Desperation (a state of despair) (not quality over

quantity)

Rules + Relationship = Blessings

Truth without Grace = Condemns

Grace without Truth = Condones

Four Basic Needs of a Son/Daughter

1. Love 

2. Security

Trails, for some people, are a curse, bad luck, or perhaps God's heavy hand of punishment over their lives, however for others they are an opportunity for growth, sanctification, and the doorway to blessings.

Trials are the refiner's fire that removes impurities and brings forth the true value and beauty from within us. Trials are processes that God allows us to go through. He doesn't orchestrate them or cause them to happen however He uses them for our good. 

Job, after having lost all that he had, stated " my ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you" - Job 42:5 Trials will cause us to develop a hunger and thirst for more of God. And in the middle of the process is when God becomes much more tangible to us.

~IF YOU ABORT THE PROCESS YOU FORFEIT THE BLESSING~

Verses:

He has made everything beautiful in its time. (Eccl 3:11)

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. (Psalm 34:7)

You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book? (Psalm 56:8)

Psychological manipulation can be defined as the utilization of undue power (social, relational, familial, sexual, financial, professional, etc.) for the purpose of benefiting the manipulator at the expense of their victims.

Dr. Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint.  It is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize.

When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.

This is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive, and this horseman is nearly omnipresent when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off.

This is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.

Most manipulative individuals have four common characteristics:

1. They know how to detect your weaknesses.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance  and other changes, including low self-esteem. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction, and misinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's beliefs. Instances can range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents occurred, to belittling the victim's emotions and feelings, to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

1.  Know Your Fundamental Human Rights*

The single most important guideline when you’re dealing with a psychologically manipulative person is to know your rights, and recognize when they’re being violated. As long as you do not harm others, you have the right to stand up for yourself and defend your rights. On the other hand, if you bring harm to others, you may forfeit these rights. Following are some of our fundamental human rights:

• You have the right to be treated with respect.

These fundamental human rights represent your boundaries

If you are needing help and desire to set an appointment to meet and discuss whatever is going on in your life use the following link: (currently all sessions are done virtually)

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