EVOLVE with Dr. Milton

Dr. Gottman calls the four indicators of a failing relationship "the four horsemen of the Apocalypse" and they are:

The first horseman is criticism. Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize.

The important thing is to learn the difference between expressing a complaint and criticizing:

• Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”

If you find that you and your partner are critical of each other, don’t assume your relationship is doomed to fail. The problem with criticism is that, when it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other, far deadlier horsemen to follow. It makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt, and often causes the perpetrator and victim to fall into an escalating pattern where the first horseman reappears with greater and greater frequency and intensity, which eventually leads to contempt.

The second horseman is contempt. When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.

Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them.

Research even shows that couples that are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illness (colds, the flu, etc.) than others due to weakened immune systems! Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner—which come to a head when the perpetrator attacks the accused from a position of relative superiority.

Most importantly, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It must be eliminated.

The third horseman is defensiveness, and it is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive, and this horseman is nearly omnipresent when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off.

Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes:

• Question: “Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”

This partner not only responds defensively, but they reverse blame in an attempt to make it the other partner’s fault. Instead, a non-defensive response can express acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault, and understanding of your partner’s perspective.

Although it is perfectly understandable to defend yourself if you’re stressed out and feeling attacked, this approach will not have the desired effect. Defensiveness will only escalate the conflict if the critical spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner, and it won’t allow for healthy conflict management.

The fourth horseman is stonewalling, which is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.

It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable “out,” but when it does, it frequently becomes a bad habit. And unfortunately, stonewalling isn’t easy to stop. It is a result of feeling physiologically flooded, and when we stonewall, we may not even be in a physiological state where we can discuss things rationally.

source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

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• Principle 1: Cultivate a Belief in Your Ability to Cope.

A growth mindset, proposed by Stanford professor Carol Dweck in her book Mindset, describes people who believe that their success depends on time and effort. People with a growth mindset feel their skills and intelligence can be improved with effort and persistence. They embrace challenges, persist through obstacles, learn from criticism and seek out inspiration in others’ success.

Neuroplasticity: The brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment.

Special thanks to our guest speaker Maria Bridwell M.Ed, Ed.D (C) for sharing her time and wisdom.

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Do you criticize and pass judgment on others? Do you find yourself with a negative disposition, always finding fault with something or someone? Is it difficult for you to see the positive in a person or a situation because the negative is so glaring in your eye? Are you compelled to give your critical point of view for the good of all mankind?

If you answered yes to one of these questions, then you have a critical spirit and you are in danger. Not getting hit-by-a-truck-kind-of-danger, but an even more serious kind—and that is spiritual danger. A critical spirit is from the dark side. It is meant to hurt and destroy its object.

A critical spirit is a negative attitude of the heart that seeks to condemn, tear down, and destroy with words. In contrast, constructive criticism involves opinions that are meant to build up. A critical spirit creates blind spots in a person’s heart and mind causing them to believe they are being constructive. In reality, it is characterized as the ungodly.

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Nobody drives a car while looking through the rearview mirror unless of course they are going in reverse. As you press on into the new year "2021" make sure to look ahead, stay focused on the prize, and DON'T LOOK BACK!

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Setting your life's priorities in the proper order is key to living a life of significance, and purpose. If you are feeling burnt out, out of breath, and you find yourself having a hard time saying no to other people's request well then you have a priority issue. If other individual's urgencies all of a sudden become your priorities I can guarantee that you feel unaccomplished and dead. The Life Hack Series is a series of short episodes that will make YOU the main focus. The Life Hack Series' goal is to help you get from point A to point B in your life.

Subscribe to my YouTube channel for more short transformational videos.

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Life is all about the decisions and choices we make. One simple decision can catapult you into a completely different destination. A simple change in your decision making process can create a different outcome. It's easiest to blame the world for our greatest demise however at the end of the day we can only blame ourselves. You need to get to a point in your life in which you stop blaming your biology and genealogy for the crap in your life and start accepting that it's your psychology that needs to be renewed. 

Believe it or not, studies show that those who consume pornography more frequently have brains that are less connected, less active, and even smaller in some areas. 

To be fair, the studies only show that there’s a correlation between porn consumption and smaller, less active brains, but they raise the question: Can porn literally change your brain?

Scientists used to believe that once you finished childhood, your brain lost the ability to grow. They thought that nothing except illness or injury could physically alter an adult brain. Now we know that the brain goes on changing throughout life, constantly rewiring itself and laying down new nerve connections, and that this is particularly true in our youth.

See, the brain is made up of about 100 billion special nerves called neurons, that carry electrical signals back and forth between parts of the brain and out to the rest of the body. Imagine you’re learning to play an E chord on the guitar: your brain sends a signal to your hand telling it what to do. As that signal zips along from neuron to neuron, those activated nerve cells start to form connections because “neurons that fire together, wire together.” Those newly-connected neurons form what’s called a “neuronal pathway.”

Think of a neuronal pathway like a trail in the woods. Every time someone uses the trail, it gets a little wider and more permanent. Similarly, every time a message travels down a neuronal pathway, the pathway gets stronger. With enough repetitions, your neuronal pathway will get so strong you’ll be strumming that E chord without even thinking about it. That process of building better, faster neuronal pathways is how we learn any new skill, whether it’s memorizing math formulas or driving a car. Practice makes perfect.

How Porn Changes The Brain

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What does the Bible say about pornography?

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So what exactly is persuasion? In The Dynamics of Persuasion, Perloff defines persuasion as "...a symbolic process in which communicators try to convince other people to change their attitudes or behaviors regarding an issue through the transmission of a message in an atmosphere of free choice."

Key Elements

• Persuasion involves a deliberate attempt to influence others

Cialdini's 6 principles of persuasion are: reciprocity, consistency, social proof, liking, authority, and scarcity. 

How to avoid indoctrination: 

2. Study The Opposing View

3. Be Mindful of Persuasion By Repetition

4. Be Mindful Of Appeals To Popularity 

5. Develop A Biblical WorldView

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• Suicide is the second leading cause of death in the United States—starting with children at age 10 all the way up to adults at age 33.

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US for all ages. (CDC)

Every day, approximately 123 Americans die by suicide. (CDC)

There is one death by suicide in the US every 12 minutes. (CDC)

Depression affects 20-25% of Americans ages 18+ in a given year. (CDC)

Suicide takes the lives of over 48,300 Americans every year. (CDC)

Only half of all Americans experiencing an episode of major depression receive treatment. (NAMI)

80% -90% of people that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully using therapy and/or medication. (TADS study)

An estimated quarter million people each year become suicide survivors (AAS).

There is one suicide for every estimated 25 suicide attempts. (CDC)

There is one suicide for every estimated 4 suicide attempts in the elderly. (CDC)

Children and adolescents thinking about suicide may make openly suicidal statements or comments such as, "I wish I was dead," or "I won't be a problem for you much longer." Other warning signs associated with suicide can include:

• changes in eating or sleeping habits

Young people who are thinking about suicide may also stop planning for or talking about the future. They may begin to give away important possessions.

A teen’s risk for suicide varies with age, gender, and cultural and social influences. Risk factors may change over time. They are:

One or more mental or substance abuse problems

Impulsive behaviors

Undesirable life events such as being bullied or recent losses, such as the death of a parent

Family history of mental or substance abuse problems

Family history of suicide

Family violence, including physical, sexual, or verbal or emotional abuse

Past suicide attempt

Gun in the home

Imprisonment

Exposure to the suicidal behavior of others, such as from family or peers, in the news, or in fiction stories

Call your teen’s healthcare provider right away if your teen:

Feels extreme depression, fear, anxiety, or anger toward him or herself or others

Feels out of control

Hears voices that others don’t hear

Sees things that others don’t see

Can’t sleep or eat for 3 days in a row

Shows behavior that concerns friends, family, or teachers, and others express concern about this behavior and ask you to seek help

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