Fesshole: The Podcast

This is genuinely my favourite episode of the Fesshole podcast - the one where we turn it into a panel show.

From the earliest days of doing the Fesshole account, there's been people saying "you should make this into a panel show" and I kinda resisted it as I felt the best version of Fesshole should go deeper into the confessions rather than riff off them, but you know what, we finally had a go and it's... good?

I loved writing a script for a show and devising some simple games to play and I loved getting Sam Bambs in, I felt her humour and just good naturedness really made me and Dave up our game.

OK - let's brainstorm some titles and see what sticks.

Hope you like the episode - we had such fun doing this and I think that comes accross.

Producer: Will Fitzpatrick

tempotalker.com

This is the shed episode. The one me and Dave recorded face to face in a shed and the vibe is good because of this.

Recording this face-to-face is so much more fun than being on a Zoom, you can react easier, you can read people's cues easier and it's memorable in a way that working electronically is not. Can you remember any of the Zoom meetings you've had? Nah, they turn into a massive blur, whereas a meeting face-to-face, well that does something to your brain and you remember that meeting for life.

So yeah, real life records are better and yet podcasts rarely do them for the simple reason they cost more money and time. Damn.

I sort of wanted to call this episode the David Cameron Wanking Shed episode for this reason, as when David Cameron left Government, he retired to his shed, and everyone who's ever had a work-from-home shed, you know there's a lot of wanking done in it.

So that as an intrusive thought when your mate says "I must show you my work from home shed" - they are showing you where they fiddle with themselves between writing emails and grumpy tweets.

As an episode itself this one is pretty relaxed and fun and it throws up two ideas for future episodes - we've got a "rejected fessholes" section which now listening to it, I'm kicking myself not making this into the a full episode as it's the one thing people always ask me "what's the really filth stuff that you can't publish?" so that would be good for clicks. And the other episode here would be doing a full Anon Opin one - as I just find it such fun to discuss opinions.

Do dive in coz this is the "week in review" Dave & Rob episode at our best, and in our quiet format point where we alternate between these type and stunt episodes, have we got a stunt episode for you next week. Oh yes.

SPONSORED BY https://buhong.beer/hole (10% off)

Producer: Will Fitzpatrick

tempotalker.com

When we started this podcast the one thing we thought would be important to do was to talk to a priest and compare notes about taking confessions.

Yes we're mostly taking confessions for comedy reasons but at the same time, we're dealing with real people's lives here and how does it compare?

We've ended up with an interesting show that's surprisingly theological and philosophical and most of all funny. 

We didn't intend to make a bible studies class but here we are, we explore the usefulnes of prayer, and attempt to answer the difficult question why confession is needed.

It's because it lightens the burden on your, well, we're not religious so we shouldn't say soul, but you know what we mean.

Tackling this was a curious proposition really, there's something about talking to people of God where we feel we have to be respectful, so we don't start shouting about atheism but we do eventually, quietly fess up our own slightly hippy science beliefs, in line with Carl Sagan, that we are the universe looking at itself. And so is our cat.

ROB MANUEL (retired vicar)

PS: The alt title was 'We asked a priest: "If God loves us, why did he let Elon ruin Twitter?"'

I really like this episode - me and Dave are relaxed and into the vibe of what we've created. It reminds me of Seinfeld, now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we've reached the heights of Larry David's best writing here, but like Seinfeld, it's a show about nothing. 

What is this episode about? Nothing.

Yet it's about everything - it's about two men having a long friendship since childhood and can finish each other's sentences.

It's about spending time in our company, and either you want to hang out with us, or you'll think us pillocks.

It's about being mature enough to acknowledge it's OK that your parents had sex.

It's about still being immature enough to giggle at it.

But most of all it's about Rob & Dave telling you a story of a lad they went to school with, with the most fearsome power in the word: the power to crush your spirit with a mean word, and that the world is still ruled by such people, and we are but mice playing on the giants, afraid that they'll awake.

OK. Let's talk about titles. Titles are so hard on the 'week in review' episodes, they are some of the best episodes in terms of vibe, but they are impossible to title because they're about nothing, so here goes, let's brainstorm some titles:

* Which member of the British aristocracy reads Fesshole?

* The one with the new format section of 'rejected fessholes'

* How the pop group Tears For Fears helped one man overcome his piss shyness.

* What's the best rapping ever done by a white man?

Oh man it's so hard, titles are so hard, but do listen, as this is a solid episode made of pure nothing, glorious nothing.

Rob Manuel

Producer: Will Fitzpatrick

tempotalker.com

It's not something you expect, one day you're swimming in the local pool and you see your acquaintance Chris Atkins and have a bit of a chat with him whilst both of you are playing with your kids and then two days later he's on the front page of the Daily Mail, imprisoned for five years for tax fraud.

I didn't know what to think and I also was very worried about a boy being separated from his father at such an impressionable age.

Occasionally I'd google him and check his social media and wonder how to get hold of him but there was nothing. One day I wrote him a letter saying what was going on in the world hoping to cheer him up but didn't know where to send it.

Then suddenly, two and half years later, Chris emails me and says he's out and he LOVES fesshole.

We go for a pint and Chris tells me that he's basically been running his own fesshole inside jail, except not doing it for a laugh, but he's been working as a prison listener and hearing all the prisoners' terrible confessions of yes sometimes murder, but often just loneliness.

So of course I want to get him on the podcast, he's what we call in the business 'a friend of the google form" so we've queued him up.

It's actually a fantastic episode that goes on a bit of a journey - we start light with me and Dave just being silly, we get into an incredibly detailed chat with Chris about the conditions in jail, and accidentally pivot to become a campaigning podcast that's massively pro prison reform and then end with a series of often silly prison confession for Chris to react to.

We believe if you listen to the whole thing you'll end up wanting prison reform too.

1. Oh god we're going to have to cut all that really funny stuff about [redacted] because we don't want [redacted] to lose their job.

2. These two people are complete dickheads but I quite like them because this is the sound of me and Dave sitting up to 5 in the morning as teenager talking absolute bollocks.

3. I feel there could be repercussion from mentioning family stuff - it's not my intent to cause family woe here - but if you open your mouth and press record for an hour then who the hell knows what's going to come out.

4. I quite enjoyed listening to me moan about the gym, sitting on a spin bike in the same bloody gym. I won't tell you which one it is, but I didn't go there for years as my partner thought it looked like a swingers club.

5. These podcasts really do end up mentioning the crap that's floated around my head forever, I've now had at least two references to Amstrad CPC 464s in them, which really can't be what anyone ever singed up for, but that's what you're going to get. 

6. I think we've settled into a groove with the "week in reviews" in this one. The format is there and we're relaxed - although there's plenty of options for other sections. Feedback from the listeners would be nice - also rejected fesses would be good.

7. Titling these things is fucking hard with "week in review" as what it's about? It's about lots of things. "Is it ok for men to bring their own bluetooth speakers into the sauna?" "Is it ok to call things Dave?" "Yes we are old men with opinions like DVDs and CDs were quite good you know".

8. I sorta wish I didn't cop out 5 mins before the end and admit I was tired. Power on through, that's what I want to hear, although maybe that would be a good podcast "I am very tired" and people say they're tired and yawn and stuff and it would help people sleep.

9. God it makes me nervous sticking this stuff out - it's just me and Dave talking like we normally talk - but with a bit of structure. What if people hate us? Well they won't hate Dave, Dave is nice, I'm clearly a bastard.

ANHWAYWHAYHWAH - hope you enjoy it and stick around for the next one, coz it's another corker.

Rob

Producer: Will Fitzpatrick

tempotalker.com

One of things we thought worth doing when mucking around with a Fesshole podcast was the idea that it would be interesting to talk to the actual people doing the confessing.

When we said this people were "but how on earth you can do that, it's anonymous?"

Well the trick is we just ask on the social media account - have you confessed - would you like to chat to us some more and then see what happens.

We spoke to four people for this one - and in an idea totally lifted from the Graham Norton chat show, figured it would be also fun for them to speak to each other, so the format is each one talks to us directly whilst the others are muted on the Zoom call and then at the end, they can all talk to each other, like they're all on a big sofa.

That's the idea.

The reality? It was lovely to meet the fessholians and now you can meet them too.

Can't wait to do this format again. 

Just one of the episode titles we brainstormed this week - others included:

"The one where Rob admits he’d hide a dead pet to prevent not getting a shag"

"The one where we add Anon Opin to the show which is like adding horse to your supermarket lasagne - it’s a delicious meat but it’s not what you paid for"

"The one where we write new jingles, muck with the format and mention the KLF & Phil Collins"

"The one where we share unsubstantiated gossip about a comedian so rich they have a butler" (Ok, maybe we'll use that one for the show graphic)

It's hard doing episode names because it need to be both honest AND give a reason for you to listen.

Anyway, it's a good episode, we think. The new sections are:

1. Confessions that most caught our eyes

2. Just ones that make me laugh

3. Highest rated

4. Anon_Opin bonus round

5. Best comments

This replaces the idea of doing a top ten, so it's shorter more digestible chunks, that's the theory, or is it copy from a dog food advert?

Regardless, here's our fav fesses from the show:

"Each time I was at Coventry station, I'd buy a first class single to Birmingham International, which cost £2.10. Then make use of the free hot drinks and biscuits in the first class lounge. A lot cheaper than the station cafe. Lounge now closed, I'm probably responsible."

"Dry liner here and on every new build, I used to piss in an empty bottle and put it in the wall cavity then board it up and I wasn't the only person to do this. So basically all the new builds around sports city, them nice apartments near Man City's ground are full of piss."

"Whenever I stay away from home with work, which is about every other week, I try and book different hotels to my colleagues. That way I don't have to listen to work chat at breakfast and work chat at dinner time. I've had enough of that at work, oddly enough, you boring fucks."

"Mrs had told me she wanted sex later. Chased kids to bed early and locked the house up before heading upstairs. Found the cat, that I'd not seen all day, was dead behind the couch. Knew this would upset the Mrs, so no sex. Ignored cat til the next day."

"Me and the wife have been married for over 20 years and decided to try something new. Long story short, I ended up watching her having sex with a guy. Fast forward 6 months, he now lives with us and I sleep in the spare room."

BYE AND SEE YOU NEXT WEEK YOU BUNCH OF HORRORS

Rob

-------

Producer: Will Fitzpatrick

tempotalker.com

The thing about Fesshole is people ask me why it exists and what it all means and i'm not sure I could tell you really. There are projects I've started where I've had clear objectives and there's something like Fesshole where it's more like I'm a sorcerer's apprentice, in that I knew I could get something like this to work, but it's not like I'm in control of it. I've made some kind of weird magic soup and I don't even know what effect it has on you or even me as the chef.

In this episode I talk to Philippa Perry. As an aside she suggested something: that maybe these inexplicable impulses are art.

Is Fesshole art? Well not intentionally, for me it's craft and comedy. I know how to run user generated projects - and I like jokes. HOWEVER I am not the audience, for you it might be something else: an insight into human nature, or maybe just a reason to never speak to men again.

But the best thing about this episode is Philippa Perry laughing and encouraging us to carry on.

And here's the rudest ones I read out to Philip and what a good sport she was for not ending the recording there and then:

"Met a girl in a bar in Dublin. Went outside in the alley to get it on. She thought it was 'hot' that I wasn't wearing underwear. Didn't have the heart to tell her I'd discarded my pants when I shat them in a farting competition 30 minutes previously."

"For 10 years my husband has wanted me to poo on him in bed. I've always said no because I think it's disgusting. About two weeks ago, I gave in and did it. It was completely disgusting, he looked repulsed, barely touched it and neither of us has mentioned it since."

"Standing naked in the bathroom, about to get in the shower, I had a fart brewing in front of my wife. To put on a show I squatted to let it out in all its glory and shat on the bath mat. 5 years later I'm getting divorced, can't help but feel this incident may have caused it."

"After sex I place a single tissue over my knob to make it look like a little ghost. I shout 'woooo' at my girlfriend and twitch it about. She says she's going to leave me if I do it again. I'm going to to it again."

"I heard my neighbour moaning one morning and had a wank listening to her. Found out later she was out and it was a pigeon."

"Probably the lowest point of the early years after my divorce was me in the kitchen at 11pm, drinking whisky, some meatballs cooking in the deep fat fryer, having a wank straight into the kitchen bin."

Producer: Will Fitzpatrick

tempotalker.com

Turning the Fesshole Twitter account into other things is apparently what I do now. So far there's been two books and several live shows - so why not a podcast? The Fesshole novelty keyring is coming soon.

At the simplest level, let's just pick some funny confessions and read them out and react to them. So that's what we've done here, a top ten in reverse order:

10. "My wife is a police officer. Her name is Nina. She can never find out how obviously hilarious I find this."

9. "After my husband cheated and left me his emails still popped up on my laptop. One day up popped a holiday he'd booked for him and her. I clicked on the link and it took me straight to the booking, whereupon I canceled the trip. He would have had no idea it was me."

8. "Once I took a shower at a friend's house hoping his hot mum would walk in on me. Instead his dad did and not only did he not know I was in the shower but took a shit, stunk the bathroom out and then his hot mum found me walking out of the stinking bathroom."

7. "I bought my house from a musician. Last Xmas, a package arrived for him. I don't have his contact info, so I sent him a Facebook message. Nada. I finally opened it & found a box of chocolates from Ringo Starr. They were exquisite, so this year, I didn't hesitate. Thanks, Ringo."

6. "My husband's best friend is female. If we're having a fight, he tries to get her to back him but she always takes my side. I really like her."

5. "Been running at the gym to lose weight. Last week, an athletic young woman was running next to me, 2 mph faster. Stupidly, I upped mine to 2 mph more than her thinking in my chimp brain it might have impressed her. It didn't. My Airpod fell out, and I tripped and broke my wrist."

4. "This term, i've told my 5 yr old boy a joke to tell his friends at school every morning. It's become a big deal, with kids crowding around hear it. Realised after drop off today I'm craving the validation of 5 yr olds, and now I need to keep finding jokes for him to tell."

3. "I manage a bar & I had enough of customers being rude while waiting for drinks.  So I decided to create a 'cunt' button on the till where it adds £2.50 to their bill. Proceeds made from that button went to our Xmas do. Last year's button got us £12k."

2. "Smoking is a dirty, disgusting, and expensive habit. I "helped" my girlfriend to quit smoking a few years ago by training her parrot to say "phewee! Smells like cancer," followed by a fake cough, every time she lit up a cancer stick. Thank you Jellybean the parrot, you legend."

1. "Got invited to lunch with the "big boss" last year. I told him how 80% of the work was done by 20% of the people and we'd be better off without most of the team. He agreed, and 6 months later I was one of the many, many layoffs as part of an efficiency drive. Fair play."

Having recorded this, my gut feeling is a top ten isn't the way to do it, but the chat was enjoyable, so tune in next time to see what we've come up with - we're on a journey to nail this format, and you're all invited. 

Producer: Will Fitzpatrick

tempotalker.com