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To be tempted by the “best of both worlds” makes us human. To give it up makes us who we are.
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When I left medicine, it was only the beginning.
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This move was objectively harder. Longer. More expensive. But that’s the difference; when you want it, you can suffer more.
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Good morning Dr. Fightmaster. My name is XXXXX, the provider recruiter for Napa County. I wanted to connect to see if you’d be interested in a position. Please give me a call/text back to discuss.
One week ago, I reflexively snoozed my alarm but before my pillow fused back to my head, this message snared me. I opened the text and scanned with interest. Unlike previous headhunter inquires—customarily deleted on receipt—a small, definitely still there, part of me perked at permanent employment’s salvation. The text registered with my complacent—willing to settle and sell out—part that aches for easy. The text was a piping cup of tea after six months in the wilderness. The text was an urgent call from comfort.
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When I went to medical school, it’s not that I’d chosen death; I’d chosen nothing. I thought I could ride the fence and have it all: acceptance, accomplishment, and happiness. Only, I failed to understand that the absence of choice is still choice. Because the clock ain’t stopping. At the end of residency, I knew it was true and hoped to never forget it.
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In the process of becoming a therapist, treating depression and anxiety, and learning how to manage psychosis, that would have to iron out my shit. 𝙍𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩?
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ABOUT RYAN FIGHTMASTER MD: I'm a board-certified psychiatrist that left medicine in the fall of 2022 to build a life I love and want. I write, surf, and refurbish furniture because... it's what I enjoy. Sharing my journey at https://FightmasterMD.com.
I graduated medical school at the University of Oklahoma and psychiatry residency at the University of California, Irvine. I previously worked for HealthCorps, where I built a health program for high school students and appeared on the Dr. Oz show.
CONTACT: You can get in touch with me via Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/fight_the_md/
Can’t find the exact quote but Matthew McConaughey wrote something in Greenlights along these lines: you can only leave a place once you’ve known you can live there forever. I’ll fess up, not sure I got that far with California, but I got close.
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I adopted a vegan diet in the spring of 2013. I was twenty-four years old and needed it, for many reasons. It was a five-year, cherished season that defined my identity, until it stood between me and myself—all told, me and life after medicine. If you’re already poking fun at the gravity in my tone and readying your vegan jokes, get your popcorn ready.
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As I stared out across a medicine career, I saw the same scenery; a never-ending gauntlet of patient care, charting, and billing, without change, which for me, was not what I wanted. Something was clear: this treadmill will run forever and only stop, if I get off. I am the only person who can stop it.
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Knowing I never wanted to be a doctor—eight years of evidence in the rearview—I must have wanted something, instead. It’s Newtonian; every action creates an equal and opposition reaction. Something pressed against medicine... what was it?
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