This week's episode has been difficult to prepare for because it's scary being vulnerable, and it's intimidating to know how important it is to bring awareness to the tough topics, yet be sensitive to the fact that everyone deals with the struggle on a different level and in their own way, no right or wrong way.
Everyone deals with life stressors. Sometimes it’s the everyday stress of a job, the struggle to balance a family schedule yet find time for yourself, other times it’s some deep and dark circumstances that make you want to hide away because you are so paralyzed from the pain. Whatever season you are in,whatever pain you are struggling with right now, I don’t want you to feel like you have to go through it alone.
The good news is there is so much help out there and it seems that these days’ people seem more willing and open about sharing.
I knew I couldn’t continue to talk about “finding my glee” unless I shared why it’s so important to me. I know what it’s like to live with a cloud of pain following you. I know what it’s like to feel alone even when you are surrounded by the best family and friends. Sure, I’ve had situations and circumstances that I believe sparked these dips in my life—undiagnosed postpartum depression, a stressful job, a husband who traveled a lot for his job during a time when I was working that stressful job and raising our young daughter. I can’t pin point a specific situation or circumstance to give me a clear reason why I felt so numb and miserable, but I did, and I was embarrassed to admit it.
I felt stupid being so consumed with the woes of life for months at a time when I didn’t have a traumatic life event to pin point it back to. I’ve realized that isn’t always a specific trigger, or formula, that sometimes life just feels shitty. It doesn’t have to be the result of a anything in particular, it could be all the little things adding up, genetic/hereditary factors, etc.
I can see it in people’s eyes. The hurt, the loneliness, the longing for a way out. Although I knew how to hide it well, I know that look, and I know that feeling. And while I know there will be other similar seasons in my life, and some even on deeper levels, I can confidently say I am much more aware of my triggers and will seek the help and self-care I need early on.
I don’t have all the answers, and I'm not an expert, but I’ve found things that work for me during these times that I want to share through this podcast and my FB community "Find Your Glee with Dinah G."
And, I want you to know know if you are in a serious bout of deep depression or anxiety and it’s so debilitating that you’ve completely lost your zest for life over a long period of time, and you don’t believe it will get better, PLEASE PLEASE I BEG YOU TO GET THE HELP YOU NEED. Do it for yourself. Do it for your family and friends. I promise it will get better, but you have to ask for help and be ready to take the steps to get there. There are so many people who want to help you. Let them in. And if you don’t feel comfortable starting with family or friends, please call the toll-free help line at 1-800-273-8255. I couldn't go on any further without mentioning this.
And, to my family and friends who may be hearing about my struggles for the first time through this episode, I’m sorry. I never meant to keep this part of my life a secret from you. I was ashamed. I didn’t want to burden you. I wanted to heal on my own. Please understand it was nothing personal. I’ve learned now that it’s crucial to build connections and open up as part of the mending process, even though it’s not always easy to do so. Moving forward I want you to know you can ask me and I’ll share without sugarcoating it. And if you struggle too, I want you to know we can have an honest confidential conversation about it.
People opening up to me over the years (without me even telling them what I was going through) gave me permission to do the same, and I want you to have that too.
A couple weeks ago I attended a workshop at my daughter’s middle school titled: “Why are our kids so stressed and anxious and how can we help them?” Although it was geared toward middle schoolers, the lessons can be applied to all. The presenter commented on how many children (and people in general) suffer from mental illness, yet only a small percentage of them seek help for it. Another eye opening comment was that while yes there are obvious signs something is wrong, in many cases there are no signs at all.
In this presentation she shared some common triggers of depression such as trauma, social media,phobias, bullying, lack of interest, lack of exercise, etc. Another interesting comment I wrote down was the difference between depression and sadness is that depression is still prevalent even when things are going well, not just when they are going wrong.
She also stressed how important it is for parents to help their children be resilient and how that was the number 1 tool to combating anxiety and depression. She said the best thing we can do for them is introduce coping tools now so they can learn to cope with stressors on their own. It made me think does my daughter have coping skills and what skills to I model for her? It also made me question why isn’t this class being taught directly to the children? The reason she said they go through parents is because children are still developing and learning and don’t have the brain capacity at this point to deal with it.
One of the best things we can do is model stress management and healthy choices for ourselves because children will pick up on that—after all we are our kiddos first teachers!
There were so many other helpful tips and resources she shared. I won’t go into great detail of all of them now, but wanted to leave you with some things to consider. These are from a handout she gave us on building emotional resilience.
1) Stop trying to re-work yesterday. It happened. Take your licks, learn your lesson and move on.
2) Use mistakes and failures as a learning experience. The road to success is paved with failures. Build on your mistakes to gain wisdom and perspective
3) Focus on what you can control, not what’s out of your control. Be solution-focused- not problem- focused.
4) Strive for goodness, not perfection! Give up the need to be right. Limit defensiveness. Forgive—both yourself and others. Accept limitations. Let go of “should have” which makes you bitter.
5) Develop compassion. Choose kindness over being right. Resist the need to be critical and judgments- to yourself and others.
6) Develop good self-care habits. Allow yourself “mental health breaks” and “timeouts” regularly.
Take care of needs in mind, body and spirit. Eat well, exercise, and get enough sleep. Pamper yourself. Set limits. Prioritize, and delegate.
7) Don’t isolate yourself—CONNECT! Avoid self-absorption. Seek to understand—not to only be understood.
8) Look for the humor in things. Accept that life isn’t fair!
ACTION ITEM:
Draw a DBT House for yourself and/or your children. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It’s a type of therapy for children that helps them recognize their strengths, ways of coping, support system, etc.
Draw yourself a simple house. Include a chimney, a roof and four floors. If you don’t want to free-hand it you can google DBT house and you’ll find several diagrams/worksheets to print off.
In the chimney list how you blow off steam. In the roof list who protects you. On the top (4 th ) level list the values that govern your life. On the 3 rd level draw, or list, things in your life you are happy about. On the 2 nd level draw, or list, emotions you want to increase. On the first floor draw, or list, behaviors you want to change. Inside the door list the doors you need to open in your life (in other words what do you need to let in more). Around the exterior walls of the house list who supports you? Talk this over with someone you love, and write “You Matter” at the top of the page and hang it somewhere you will see it often to remind you the tools and support system you have in place.
FINAL WORDS:
“Sometimes you just
Need to talk about something,
Not to get sympathy or help,
but just to kill its power
by allowing the truth of
things to hit the air.”
~Karen Salmanshn
