Finding Purpose - Song of my Life - Kristine van Dooren

After Thomas and I had prayed that night, we knew we were changed, and said to each other, ”I guess we are Christians now”. But we couldn’t have imagined, that Thomas’ new faith, was about to be tested by fighting for his life in the waters of the Pacific. We didn’t know yet, that just believing, wasn’t enough. God desired a commitment of love, and faithfulness to Him, as our Father.

Thomas’ struggles were still not over for that day. He arrived back at Richard’s house, exhausted, only to hear me say; "Our baby is going to be born tonight. You need to get ready for this". There was no time to dwell on the fact, that Thomas almost died that day.

We had prepared, planned and envisioned, that our baby would be born in our tipi, at the commune in Howards Creek. But we were finding out that God had other plans for our lives, like that verse in Proverbs 16 that says; man plans his course, but God determines his steps.

We were on the floor in front of the warm stove, and Thomas started getting excited, saying he could see the baby’s head. On my knees, and finally after quite a few times of pushing, our baby slid into Thomas’ hands. He was so surprised that her eyes were open, looking straight at him as he caught her!

It was hard to describe what we were feeling listening to them. It sounded exciting, and overwhelming, at the same time. So many thoughts were running through our minds

When I woke up the next morning, the first thing I thought of was our prayer, and that they told us we would be different. I was wondering how that could happen.

He told us that he didn’t expect the waves and undertow to be so strong. He tried to get out of the water by climbing up on the rocks, but they were covered with sharp barnacles. It was impossible to get a hold of them, and the waves kept knocking him against the rocks, and then pulling him down.

Thomas and I needed a sign from the universe, where should we go, and how would we get there? We had been so sure about our decision to leave the Bay Area, and head for Howards Creek. Now we were doubting everything we had done so far. Had we made a mistake in leaving Hayward?

We decided that evening, after finding those No Trespassing signs, that we would take the time to seek the I Ching book. We lit our candles and made some tea over our little fire pit in the tipi.

All we could do afterwards, was to go sleep for the night, with the plan that Thomas would go out hitchhiking the next morning. We had no choice, we had to find another place to live with our tipi. He thought it would be too much for me to go out on the road, which was probably true. But I didn’t like the idea of staying by myself there at our camp. He gave me a big hug, and promised that he would be back before nightfall.

When Thomas was telling me about his impressions of the day, he said that he could imagine us living there, but he wasn’t too sure about the Christian thing.

We were appalled, where is the love and peace, we had expected to find in the flower power communities that we had heard so much about? We were beginning to experience, that the hippie´s dream of utopia, had already come to an end. And with it, our dream, was collapsing right in front of us. Thomas had already visited a few communes, asking if we could live on their land, and everyone had said no. He was discovering that the ideals of the hippies were not as wonderful as he had expected.

We had felt sure that this was the “door that the universe” had opened up for us. We had left our jobs, our cozy home and garden in Hayward, to move up to northern California. Our desire, was to live in a community with people who were liked minded: who were on a spiritual journey, to live in oneness with nature, like the Indians did.

It seemed like God was just as far away as the stars, as I stood there alone looking up into the sky, wanting to find some peace. Thomas and I, had always been together on our adventures, and now, what would I do if my husband didn’t return.

I didn’t know how, or what to pray that night. My only thought was; “God, where are you? And please bring my husband back to me.

Thomas had a wonderful explanation for my dad, when he asked us why we wanted to live in a tipi; 

His answer to my father was because, it is a sacred round structure. It symbolizes life and warmth, and harmony with mother nature and the spirits in the sky! This was a beautiful description of exactly what we believed at the time. And this ideal, was our motivation for deciding to make our own tipi, and to move to the mountains. We had been hearing about hippie communes, where people were living in tipis, and this sounded fascinating to us.

He wrote her, that our way should lead to happiness and perfection, by returning to the ways of the ancient cultures, in particular, that of the Native Indians. We still carried in our hearts, the deep impressions we had from our trip to Utah, with our friends.

To get started on our new dream, we found a practical, step by step instruction book, on how to make your own tipi with water-proof canvas. Because of my sewing experience, I was confident, that in following the instructions, I could make a 12 foot in diameter tipi.

Our journey into finding purpose, seemed to be taking us onward and upward, and discovering new goals for ourselves every day. We were excited about what we were learning, particularly about home births, and preparing for the arrival of our first child. Especially for Thomas, he was hoping that he would measure up, to his new responsibility in becoming a father.

Then one night, Thomas had that profound experience, that I talked about in the last episode. He had been meditating outside, and ended up crying in the mud and rain, remembering everything that he had done wrong in his life. He had begged, and hoped, that God would forgive him. The only solace he found, after drying off inside, was in reading the prayer in the Bible, that refers to God as our Father, and that He will forgive our sins when we ask him.

That night we had the sense, that an invisible hand was upon us, but we didn’t know what that meant for our lives, and the decisions we were making.

In the last episode, I read the beautiful and sweet letter, that Thomas had written for me. He wrote that he hoped our journey would be swift from now on and that soon, we would walk bathed in clear light. And in expressing his deep love to me, and our little one that was on the way, he wished for all the blessings in the universe to come down and rest upon us.

The first big blessing came at the end of October 1972, the long awaited immigration court, granted Thomas, a permanent residence visa. Our whole family was relieved that we had finally overcome that hurdle, and now we could start over, hopefully with a more stable and normal lifestyle in our new home in Hayward.

To celebrate the occasion, and to make an official announcement that I was pregnant, we invited my parents, and my grandparents to our house for the afternoon. I don’t think they knew what to expect, when they walked in the door; they were now entering into our hippie, drop out, tune in world!

Thomas and I, were on a heavenly high, as we walked hand and hand, wearing our Indian rings, down the halls of the Marin Civic Center, where we had just gotten married. We went floating out on cloud nine, into the warm California sunshine.

It was like an invisible hand, had picked us up out of our own little world, and placed us on a new path.

We knew we were soul mates since the summer of 1970, when we met in Thomas’ home town of West Berlin. It wasn’t a coincidence that we met the first night I arrived there.

I especially love these following words, because it describes how we felt, that an invisible hand had placed us on a new path.

“You have enclosed me from behind, and before me, and laid Your hand upon me”

We couldn’t shake off these deep impressions. We knew we wanted to live in the mountains where we could be in tune with mother nature! ...

I can imagine my folks drove home, with dad fuming about how dumb and irresponsible we were. There was no way he could understand how their oldest daughter had gone from being a good girl, to a real hippie who had dropped out, and was doing dangerous, illegal things. Probably after that incident, they asked their church friends to move our names, to the top of the emergency prayer list! ....

As I arrived home and walked up on the porch to our front door, two police men immediately joined me. They asked if I lived there and said they had to come in and inspect our house. They said there had been a report that there was marijuana growing in our back yard. They told me, that if I was cooperative, I wouldn’t have to go to jail! ...

We knew we were soul mates, since the time we meet in West Berlin, we had already lived together for 2 years, and didn’t feel the need to get legally married.

Thomas and I were both happy, to be leaving West Berlin, and heading out for our new hippie life in sunny California.

I believed that our lives would change now, because Thomas and I, were both on the search for truth and spiritual enlightenment. We were in love, and were confident, that our relationship would blossom, once we were in California.

The flight from Berlin, took us first to London for a long stop over there. This was like coming full circle, where I had started my Europe trip, and later had received Thomas’ letter there, saying that he loved me and wanted me to return to Berlin. Now our arrival in London would mean, a new beginning for Thomas, and our first travel adventure together.

Thomas and I, had three questions in our search for purpose:

What is truth, Who is God, and how can we connect with him?

The most important part of our search, became the desire, to be in touch with nature.