Welcome to the greatest job you'll ever have--teaching in Santa Rosa County. If you forget everything else, remember to laugh at yourself. Your students are laughing at you and it is good to share an experience with them. 

I'd rather give myself a root canal than make a seating chart. 

A call center shouldn't argue with me about how to spell my name, call me back and then make me wait for them to come to the phone, or transfer me to a farm in Bangladesh. 

I can barely tell you enough about bears. 

Ever been so mad you threw a Burrito Supreme? Me either. 

If you think I'm spending $98 for a bottle of fake rain water or a jar of pretend laundry soap, you've eaten one too many Tide pods.

Basic bread for a basic Brian. 

Milk comes from cows. Coffee comes from beans. End of story.

To the Shamrock and the Cuss, I'm sorry for misbehaving in your classes in high school. My bad.