We need to talk about trauma.

When most people hear that word, they think of an event. A big, scary, obvious moment that takes us off guard and leaves us feeling unsafe. And yes, an event can certainly be traumatic.

But it’s my mission for you to understand this: the event comes and goes. It ends.

The trauma is what happens after. It’s the unhealed wound. It's the way your nervous system adjusts and adapts, the way that experience continues to influence how you navigate life, see yourself, and interact with others in a negative or self-limiting way.

If a horrible childhood experience from 30 years ago is still influencing how you relate to your family today, that’s the trauma. We can’t change the past experience, but we can absolutely heal the wound.

The Myth of "Big T" vs. "Little t" Trauma

People like to categorize trauma into "big T" and "little t." I understand why, but it's not how I see it. I see every experience as being impactful. I've worked with countless clients who were influenced in the exact same ways, whether their traumatic experience was overt and obvious or something much harder to see.

This is where the idea of a "paper cut laceration" comes in.

Think about the big, overt experiences—surviving a natural disaster, witnessing a significant crime, physical or sexual assault. Anyone looking at that would say, "Wow, that's traumatic." It’s a gaping wound that everyone can see.

But what about what I call the "mist of dysfunction"? This is the constant, chronic, pervasive stress that leaves you feeling unseen, unheard, unimportant, and unsafe. It isn't a single event; it's the air you breathed. It’s covert.

In this case, you don’t have a gaping wound. You have a paper cut.

Ninety percent of the time, I don’t even know I have a paper cut until I’m cooking and some lemon juice or salt gets into it. Then I look down and say, “Oh my gosh, look at that.” And it hurts. It hurts a lot.

Some of my clients are walking around with hundreds of these internal paper cuts on their soul, on their heart space. These are things that wounded them at their core, but nobody can see them. Often, this "mist of dysfunction" was the norm in their family, community, or culture, so no one ever saw it as impactful.

These wounds may be small and invisible on the surface, but they are equally profound.

If my writing on healing resonates with you, I invite you to join me on Instagram for more support. There, I share daily insights and tools to help you heal anxiety from within, drawing from my work as a Trauma Care Specialist. Let's connect!

Join me on Instagram: @staceyuhrig

Your Body Remembers What Your Mind Can't Name

So how does this show up? It’s not always a clear story. This is the difference between explicit and implicit memory.

* Explicit memory is what you can recall with language. It's the story of an event that you can relay back to me.

* Implicit memory is a sensation, a feeling, a memory held in the body. You don't have language for it.

It’s that feeling when you walk into a room and a pit forms in your stomach. It’s the tingling in your chest or the hairs on your arms standing up, but you don't know why. Your body is remembering something your conscious mind can't articulate.

This is why many people don’t connect their current struggles to past experiences. I have a list of 27 common trauma responses that people don't realize are connected to unresolved wounds. They include things like:

* Brain fog

* Anxiety

* Chronic fatigue or illness

* Chronic inflammation

* Breaking out in hives

* OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder)

* Suicidality

These aren’t random symptoms. They are often the language of an unhealed wound that doesn't have words.

You Were Your First Gaslighter

The first step to healing is awareness—understanding how our lived experiences have impacted us in ways we never realized. But often, the biggest barrier to this awareness is ourselves.

In many ways, we are our own first gaslighters.

If you grew up being told to "fluff it off" or "just let it go" when an experience impacted you, you learned to do that to yourself. You started saying things like:

* "It wasn't that big of a deal, so it shouldn't be bothering me."

* "I had clothes on my back and food on my table. What do I have to complain about?"

We diminish our own experiences. Then, decades later, we don't understand why we're stuck.

My mission—through my Instagram, my podcast, and my work—is to generate awareness on a massive scale. I want more people to have the understanding that their lived experiences were exactly as impactful as their nervous system is telling them they are.

Your feelings are valid. That wound is real. And it can be healed.

If this resonates with you and you're ready to explore healing in a safe container, I invite you to join the waitlist for The Calm Code. This is where we do this work together.

You can click here to learn more and sign up: flipyourmindset.com/thecalmcode

For anyone who has felt that familiar, dreaded sensation—the racing heart, the tight chest, the mind spiraling into a thousand worst-case scenarios—the immediate instinct is to fight it. To push it down, wish it away, and get it to the curb. We treat anxiety like a relentless enemy, a bug in our system that we need to eradicate.

For 30 years, I felt the exact same way. My "ride or die at the control panel of my life" was an anxiety part. It felt like a loyal, but deeply burdensome, companion I just couldn't shake.

But what if I told you that this part of you isn't trying to destroy your life? What if its fundamental mission is actually to protect you?

This shift in perspective is the key to truly healing. It’s a concept rooted in "parts work," a method influenced by a therapeutic model called Internal Family Systems (IFS). And it changes everything.

Meet Your 'Parts'

At its core, IFS believes that we are not a single, singular entity. Instead, we are made up of many different "parts."

Think about it. We all have different sides of us that emerge in different situations. Maybe you recognize some of these in yourself:

* A people-pleasing part

* A perfectionist part

* An overachieving part

* A workaholic part

We can have hundreds of parts, from the ones that help us function to the ones that lead to addiction or self-abandonment. But here is the radical truth:

every single one of these parts, no matter how chaotic or destructive it may seem, believes it is helping you survive.

These parts often emerge when we don't feel safe or capable of dealing with a perceived threat. They are born in moments of survival.

So, What is Your Anxious Part's Job?

Your anxious part is one of the most loyal protectors you have. Its entire job is to scan for threats and keep you on high alert.

This part gets activated when one of our three fundamental needs feels threatened:

* Love and belonging

* Safety and security

* Our physiological needs

Even just feeling like you might not be liked by a group can feel like a threat to your need to belong. When a need might not be met, your system perceives it as a threat to your very being, and a part must be activated to protect you.

The problem is, this part carries a very heavy responsibility to keep you safe all the time. It is burdened because it doesn't believe that your core Self is actually capable of handling the job.

From Conflict to Compassion

So how does knowing this help?

When you can finally see that anxiety is just a

part of you—not the whole you—and that this part has a benevolent mission, the internal war begins to cease. You realize you don't have to hate it.

You can get curious. You can build a different relationship with it.

When you can turn to that anxious part and build trust, showing it that you (your core Self) can lead and are capable of keeping yourself safe, something magical happens. The anxiety will start to tamper down.

This is how we move from a relationship of internal

conflict to one of compassion and curiosity. You are not an anxious person; you are a whole person who has a part that is activated and trying to help.

Ready to Go Deeper?

This is just a small glimpse into the work we'll do inside The Calm Code, my book and course designed to help you heal the root of anxiety. We dive deep into understanding trauma, the nervous system, your window of tolerance, and how to map your own individual parts to finally move from a state of survival to one of safety and connection.

If you are ready to build a new, more compassionate relationship with yourself, I invite you to join the waitlist.

Click Here to Join The Calm Code Waitlist

(https://www.flipyourmindset.com/thecalmcode)

I'd love to hear from you in the comments. What "parts" do you recognize most in yourself? Sharing helps all of us feel less alone.

Have you ever had a moment in your day or your life where you’ve thought, "I just don't have the bandwidth for this"?. It’s a common feeling—the sense that your capacity to cope is completely spent. But what if this isn't a personal failing, but a physiological signal from your nervous system?

This is the core idea behind the "Window of Tolerance," a concept developed by Stephen Porges that provides a powerful map for understanding our mental and emotional states. It suggests we all have an optimal zone where we can handle life's challenges. When we're pushed outside of that zone, we react in predictable ways.

Inside the Window: Your Optimal Zone

When you are within your Window of Tolerance, you're in what's called your "optimal coping range". Some also refer to it as the "window of capacity". In this state, you have a lot of flexibility in how you see problems. You can stay calm, cool, and collected, and emotionally regulate your nervous system with ease, no matter what's going on around you.

The things that keep this window wide are often the pillars of self-care we hear so much about:

* Healthy nutrition and eating habits.

* Getting an ample amount of sleep.

* Drinking enough water and taking care of our bodies.

* Practices like yoga, meditation, and breathwork.

* Connecting with others, such as having a phone call with a friend or grabbing coffee.

When our bodies are taxed, our nervous system gets out of whack, and our window begins to narrow.

Above the Window: Hyperarousal (Fight or Flight)

When we are pushed above our window, we enter a state of hyperarousal. This isn't just feeling a little stressed; it's a state of overwhelm and rigidity. You might experience bursts of rage or feel a desperate need to control outcomes. For most, this state is defined by anxiety.

This is your sympathetic nervous system in action—your "fight or flight" zone. Everything feels urgent. In this state, people may engage in behaviors that provide a sense of control, such as disordered eating, substance use, or OCD.

Below the Window: Hypoarousal (Freeze and Shutdown)

There is also a state below the window, often called hypoarousal or a dorsal vagal state. If hyperarousal is a state of frantic energy, hypoarousal is the opposite. It looks like:

* Disconnection and disinterest.

* Procrastination and a lack of motivation.

* Apathy and caring for nothing.

* Massive chronic fatigue and not wanting to get out of bed.

While we may label the hyperaroused state as anxiety, we often label this state of shutdown as depression. The speaker offers a powerful metaphor: the possum that feigns death when threatened. To survive, its body automatically shuts down—blood pressure drops, and it appears dead to the predator. This is an adaptive response to threat, and our nervous system has a similar capability.

The Threat That Isn't There

Here is the crucial part: often, people get stuck in these hyper- or hypoaroused states even when there is no immediate, imminent threat. This can be confusing. You might look at your life and think, "Everything is fine, so why do I feel this way?".

The answer often lies in "implicit memory"—something from your past that is still living inside your body, keeping your nervous system's threat sensor switched on. Your body believes you are still under threat, even when your conscious mind knows you are safe.

Understanding this framework is the first step toward reclaiming your sense of calm. It’s not about pathologizing anxiety or depression, but about understanding the body's natural, adaptive responses to a set of circumstances it perceives as abnormal or threatening. Once you gain awareness of your Window of Tolerance, you can't unsee it. You can begin to recognize when you're leaving your optimal zone and learn to guide yourself back.

This is just one of the foundational concepts I teach to help people understand and regulate their nervous system. To learn more and get tools to build your resilience, you can explore The Calm Code.

Find out more here: https://www.flipyourmindset.com/thecalmcode

Do you know the feeling? A chest that’s always a little too tight. A mind that races, replaying conversations and planning for threats that haven’t happened yet. Maybe it’s a constant, low hum of anxiety that you’ve carried for so long it feels like part of your personality. Or maybe it’s the opposite: a heavy, foggy exhaustion where nothing brings you pleasure and you feel like you’re "swimming through molasses".

If any of this sounds familiar, the first thing to know is this: You are not broken.

What you are experiencing is not a character flaw or a personal failing. It’s a survival response. It’s the language of a nervous system that learned, at some point, that it needed to be on high alert to protect you. And there is a powerful explanation for why it does this, one that can change the way you see yourself forever.

The Science of Safety: More Than Just Fight or Flight

We often hear about our stress response in simple terms: "fight or flight." But the reality is more nuanced. According to Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, our nervous system is a sophisticated surveillance system that is constantly asking one question: "Am I safe?". It has a hierarchy of responses based on the answer.

* When you feel safe: You are in your “green zone,” what’s known as the social engagement system. In this state, you can connect, communicate, and create. Your body can rest and digest. When we are here, our truest Self has room to lead.

* When you sense danger: Your body shifts into protection mode. It mobilizes for fight or flight. This is a state of activation, anxiety, and readiness.

* When the threat feels inescapable: If fighting or fleeing isn't an option, the system can take a more drastic measure: it shuts down. This is the freeze or flop state. It’s a state of disconnection, apathy, and profound exhaustion—a last-ditch effort to survive by “playing dead”.

For twenty years, I lived in a state of high-functioning anxiety. I used to tell people, “I have a go bag ready 24/7,” and what I really meant was, “I’m always ready to rumble”. My body was constantly primed for a threat. My stomach was a mess, I could never get a full breath, and I couldn’t access rest. Eventually, after two decades of running on adrenaline, my body couldn’t sustain it. I crashed, dropping completely into that shutdown, “dorsal vagal” state for years.

For Your Daily Dose of Calm...

This episode was a deep dive, but the healing journey happens one day at a time. On my Instagram, I post short, powerful Reels to help you put these concepts into practice in your daily life.

Join almost 3,000 others who are learning to work with their nervous system, not against it.

Find me on Instagram: Stacey Uhrig

Your Anxiety Isn't Your Enemy—It's Your Protector

This is where the idea of “parts work” comes in. The parts of you that feel anxious, on-guard, or overwhelmed are not trying to ruin your life. They are trying to save it. These parts believe, based on past experiences, that you are still in danger and that they need to be activated to protect you.

The problem is that the nervous system can get stuck in the "on" position. It can keep running the same defensive program today that it learned during a past trauma, even if you are no longer in that environment. The body’s job is to react to real or perceived threats, and sometimes, its alarm system is overactive.

So, what can we do? We can start by getting curious and listening.

I teach my clients a simple framework called HEAL:

* H - Hey, I notice you’re here. Acknowledge the sensation. “Hello, anxiety.”

* E - Engage. What’s going on? Ask the part what it needs you to know.

* A - Acknowledge. I recognize you’re here to help me. Thank the part for its protective role.

* L - Listen. When you truly listen to what your body is telling you, you’ll hear the fear beneath the anxiety: “I’m worried about this,” or “What if that happens?”. This is where the dialogue begins.

A Practical Tool for Finding Calm

Sometimes, we need more direct support to help our system regulate. One of the most effective tools I recommend is an app called The Tapping Solution. It uses a modality where you tap on different acupressure points while talking through a specific stressor. This process does two things at once:

* It sends calming signals directly to your nervous system through the tapping.

* It helps you acknowledge the feeling while reminding yourself that you are safe now, helping to gently update that old programming.

It’s a way to give yourself agency, to show yourself that even when you are most dysregulated, you can do something to move back toward a state of calm.

You Have a Bucket with Holes in It, But the Bucket Isn't Broken

I have felt broken many times in my life. It feels like having a bucket with a thousand holes in it; no matter how much you try to fill it up, everything just seeps out.

But that feeling isn’t the truth. It’s a symptom of a diminished capacity from being stuck in a survival state. When we are in that state, we don’t have as much access to our core Self—the calm, compassionate, confident center of who we are. But that Self is never gone. It’s just been quieted, waiting for the perceived danger to pass.

The goal is not to eliminate your protective parts or to shame your body for its reactions. The goal is to gently and compassionately find your way back into a less activated state, so you can once again access the Self that has been there all along.

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by emotion, stuck in old patterns, or anxious for no reason, you’re not alone. The Tapping Solution App offers EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) meditations that help calm your body, shift your mindset, and gently process stored stress and trauma.

I highly recommend this app to my clients for use in between our sessions — and now you can access it too.

Exclusive Offer: 14-Day Free Trial / 50% OFF Premium ($46.99)

Learn more here!

Everything we discussed here—the racing heart, the constant readiness, the feeling of being broken—is the language of your nervous system. Understanding that language is the first step. The next is learning how to have a new conversation with your body.

If you're ready to stop just managing anxiety and start healing it from within, I’ve created a guided path for you.

The Calm Code is my 8-week group coaching program designed to help you do just that. It's an intentionally small group (just 8 members) where we'll meet live for 90 minutes each week to:

* Become fluent in the language of your nervous system using Polyvagal Theory and Parts Work.

* Apply the HEAL framework to meet your anxious parts with compassion, not fear.

* Untangle the roots of your anxiety, so you can reclaim your inherent sense of inner safety and peace.

The program includes live coaching, a private community hub, a companion book with exercises, and lifetime access to all recordings.

The next cohort begins October 1st. If you want to be part of it and transform your relationship with anxiety, I invite you to join the waitlist for exclusive updates.

Learn more and join the waitlist for The Calm Code: https://www.flipyourmindset.com/the-calm-code

Ever feel like you're living a life based on someone else's script? Like there's a disconnect between who you are and who you feel you should be? If so, you're in for a treat with our latest "Flip Your Mindset" episode featuring the incredible Donna Parker. Donna, a seasoned therapist, life coach, educator, and speaker with over 25 years in the mental health field, is the founder of Evolve Coaching, and she’s dedicated her career to guiding individuals and families toward healing and aligning with their authentic selves.

This conversation was a powerful exploration of what truly drives us, and how we can tap into our inner wisdom for a more fulfilling existence.

Core Values vs. Core Beliefs: The Essential Distinction

One of the most eye-opening parts of our chat began with a fundamental question: What's the difference between a core belief and a core value? As I often discuss with my clients, core beliefs are the lens through which we see ourselves, others, and the world around us, profoundly influencing our thoughts.

Donna introduced a fascinating perspective on values, moving beyond the simplistic "always be nice, don't be mean" idea. She argues that trying to live a "one-sided polarized life" by constantly seeking happiness can actually be a source of human suffering. We are, in fact, meant to be "two-sided individuals" – capable of both kindness and being "cool" (or, as she later elaborates, acknowledging all aspects of ourselves). True growth, she emphasizes, develops on the border of challenge and support. This really resonated with my long-held belief that there's purpose in all pain and a gift in every challenge.

Your Life is Already Showing You Your Highest Values

So, how do we uncover these authentic values? Donna beautifully explains that our lives are

already demonstrating them. It's about giving ourselves permission to examine what we "choose to do, love to do, desire to do". Unfortunately, many of us are living by "moral imperatives" based on "shoulds" – beliefs injected into us from childhood by preachers, teachers, and coaches, all to stay safe and gain value.

Donna shared some brilliant questions to help us tap into our true values:

* Where do you spend the majority of your time? What about that work inspires you?

* What conversations leave you feeling more energized?

* Where do you feel a "tier of inspiration"?

* What organization or activity does no one have to remind you to do?

* Where will you spend your money, and what does that represent to you?

She beautifully illustrates this with her own life: no one has to remind her to speak, teach, or engage in inspiring conversations. Health and fitness have been a core value since she was a little girl. Conversely, she happily delegates cooking and cleaning because they aren't in alignment with her highest priorities. This allows her to "spend more time in creating content and doing what I love and let individuals that are inspired to do that". Imagine the freedom of saying "yes" to what you love and outsourcing the rest!

The Roots of "Shoulds" and the Gift of Pain

Where do these "shoulds" come from? Donna points to our "moral imperatives" and the fact that "we are domesticated since in the womb". Our physiology is hardwired for survival, to "seek pleasure, avoid pain". Historically, if we didn't "chameleon and fit in with the herd, we literally died". This survival instinct means we're constantly scanning the environment for threats.

This leads to a crucial insight: life is constantly guiding us to align with our authentic selves, and sometimes, "the gift of some of the pain" serves as feedback. As I’ve always said, "life is a series of experiences divinely designed for you". It’s in our greatest challenges, the moments that bring us to our knees, that we find the biggest lessons and build resilience. Donna fully agrees, stating, "Every moment in your life is happening for you, not to you".

The Self-Reflective Universe and Quantum Principles

Donna's work delves into the "self-reflective universe" and quantum physics principles, particularly the law of reflection and transparency. She explains that when we judge others, or when we are "addicted to being admired and praised and liked," we often attract the very opposite – criticism, dislike, and rejection. This isn't punishment, but rather "homeostatic feedback" from life, constantly prompting us to get in alignment with our authentic selves.

She shared a powerful example of a woman who, through this process, became grateful for a challenging relationship she initially labeled as "narcissistic and violent". The woman realized she had been in a "disempowered state," not valuing herself or using her voice. The relationship was mirroring her own disowned parts of self, inviting her to step into her worth. This deep work allowed her to see how what she perceived in him was also a reflection within herself. As Donna passionately says, "nothing is missing". We all have wealth in different forms, whether it's intellectual property, beauty, mindset, or social networks.

Beyond "Positive Thinking": Embracing Wholeness

Our conversation also touched on popular concepts like "The Secret" and Joe Dispenza's work. While acknowledging their value, Donna highlights a crucial missing piece in the "only think positive thoughts" mentality. She bravely shared her own experience of ending up on antidepressants trying to be a "one-sided person".

True alignment, she argues, is about embracing both the light and the dark, the positive and the negative. Like Rumi's guest house, we should invite in all emotions – depression, anxiety – and ask, "What are you here to teach me?". Every emotion and even physical symptom holds wisdom to share. When we try to be "all positive," we "literally attract the negative pull to help me get authentic congruent".

Living a Life of Design, Not Duty

The biggest obstacle to living in alignment? Our "many personas and so many masks," and the unconscious patterns we've adopted for survival and safety. Pain, she says, often catalyzes movement and change. Anxiety, for example, is an invitation to look at what fears are still ready to be uncovered or integrated, whether rooted in past experiences or future worries.

Donna's ultimate message is powerful and liberating: "Give yourself permission to create an inspiring life out of design and not duty". Life provides constant "breadcrumbs" and "feedback" to guide us towards our authentic selves. The more we resist, the more things persist, so instead, "it's just an invitation to dance with what life is bringing us versus the masses take a stance".

When we resist, anxiety builds. But when we can "dance" and "allow life to happen in an ordinary way," we embrace the "for us" piece of every experience.

Connect with Donna Parker:

If Donna's message resonates with you, I highly encourage you to explore her work!

* Facebook: Donna Andrews Parker

* Instagram: global.coach.dparker

* LinkedIn: Donna Andrews Parker

Let's continue to "Flip Our Mindsets" and design lives that truly reflect our most authentic, inspired selves.

In our latest podcast episode, we ventured into a profound conversation that bridges the clinical with the spiritual, the personal with the universal. Joined by the insightful Jesseca Banchy, a former ICU nurse turned holistic healer, we explored the complex landscape of trauma, our innate capacity for joy, and the transformative power of self-awareness.

Jesseca Banchy, drawing from her unique perspective of witnessing trauma in both a clinical setting and through her own personal lens, offered a definition of trauma that transcends simple categorization. As she explains, trauma is not a singular event but a deeply personal and complex experience, different for every individual. It isn't always about physical violation or words of hatred; we are all sensitive souls, and the path to overcoming trauma is a journey of self-transformation.

Key Insights from Our Conversation:

* The Roots of Trauma: Jesseca Banchy explained that trauma can be deep-rooted, going back to our earliest experiences as infants and how we received, or were able to receive, love. This early sense of attachment, safety, and security is fundamental to our survival, as we are born reliant on others to meet our basic needs.

* Survival vs. Joy: A fascinating point of discussion was the function of our bodies and minds. While our brains are fundamentally designed for survival, not necessarily happiness or joy, Jesseca believes we are also programmed for joy. Many animals, despite their survival instincts, are joyous creatures. The human experience is unique in that our complex psychology can sometimes get in the way of life's true essence.

* Vibrational Alignment and Experience: Jesseca introduced the concept that our life experiences are often what we are vibrationally aligned with. While it can be a difficult concept to grasp, especially when faced with negative events, the idea is that what we feel emotionally inside can attract experiences that match that same vibration.

* The Weight of Ancestral Trauma: We carry more than just our own lived experiences. Jesseca noted that if we can physically resemble our ancestors, it's possible we also transfer their pain and joy. The host added that from an epigenetic standpoint, we can carry experiences from up to seven generations back in and around our bodies.

* The Problem with Modern Society: We are living in the most comfortable generation in history, yet we are also the most miserable. Jesseca suggests this is rooted in unresolved ancestral trauma and a societal disconnect from our true selves, fueled by materialism and a gluttonous, yet unfulfilling, lifestyle.

* Personal Responsibility and Healing: A core theme was the power of taking responsibility for our own feelings and lives. Healing involves reclaiming that power, understanding what we will tolerate based on what we think we deserve, and making a conscious decision about what we want in life. It's a journey of self-transformation and connecting with a higher power.

Jesseca Banchy has channeled her experiences, including walking through the pain of infidelity, into creating resources to help others. Her "uncheated code" is an automated, eight-week course specifically for women who have been cheated on, providing a simplified way to get results and overcome the debilitating pain of betrayal.

Ultimately, the conversation was a powerful reminder that life is more beautiful than we often realize. Despite the hardships, there is immense joy and beauty to be found by enjoying the experience of being alive and connecting with ourselves and each other on a deeper level.

To learn more about Jesseca Banchy's work, including life coaching, nutrition consultation, and flexibility training, you can visit her website at magneticsolehealing.org

The Invisible Scar: Unpacking Betrayal Trauma with Mr. Jay

Welcome to a new deep dive from Flip Your Mindset, where we don't shy away from the tough conversations that truly impact our lives. In our latest episode, I had the privilege of sitting down with Mr. Jay, a certified betrayal trauma practitioner and intra-personal relationship coach, whose insights into the silent suffering of betrayal trauma are nothing short of profound.

You might think you understand "trauma," but betrayal trauma, as Mr. Jay explains, is a beast of a different color. It's not just what happens to you; it’s about who it happens at the hands of – someone you implicitly trusted.

The Bridge That Collapses Beneath You

Mr. Jay paints a powerful analogy: Imagine walking across a thin bridge, a mile above blazing fires and volcanoes, with your most precious loved ones in your arms. The smoke blinds you, and you instinctively reach for the hand of the person you trust more than yourself to lead the way. Then, without warning, the bridge collapses, and you realize the person you trusted most was holding the hammer. That, he says, is the feeling of betrayal trauma. Your mind is hijacked, you’re in primal panic, and you die emotionally, mentally, though not physically.

This isn't just about spousal infidelity, though that's a common example. Betrayal trauma can come from a parent, a child, a boss, or even institutions like the medical or legal fields where you place your reliance and trust. It's a feeling of hopelessness, helplessness, and disempowerment that ravages your mind, body, and soul.

The Secret Society of Suffering

One of the most isolating aspects of betrayal trauma, as Mr. Jay highlighted, is that it’s often a "secret society". Unlike other traumas where you might receive public support or bereavement leave, there's no "broken heart time off" when you discover infidelity. The shame and embarrassment mean many suffer in silence, feeling utterly alone.

What's more, while other traumas affect the present and future, betrayal trauma uniquely "also affects the past". Your photo albums, familiar streets, and restaurants are tainted, robbing you of cherished memories. And it's deeply personalizing – leading to the painful question, "Why wasn't I good enough?".

Betrayal Blindness: Our Brain's Double-Edged Sword

We often ask ourselves, "How could I have been so blind? I'm smart!". Mr. Jay explains the concept of:

betrayal blindness, a term coined by Jennifer Freed. It's a part of our fight, flight, freeze nervous system, serving as our body's way of protecting us in the moment. Like Little Red Riding Hood ignoring her gut feeling to see her grandmother , we ignore red flags because the reality is too painful to accept. This temporary safety mechanism ultimately becomes our "worst enemy" , leading to self-disconnection and a more complex healing journey.

The Wounds of the Betrayer: A Difficult Truth

Perhaps one of the most challenging truths we discussed is this:

"People with wounds are the ones that have affairs." Mr. Jay firmly states, "I've never worked with somebody that had an affair that was happy, healthy, and healed". This doesn't excuse the behavior – absolutely not. But it offers a crucial perspective that hurt often begets hurt. Often, betrayers are seeking to "numb, distract, avoid, cope" or simply to "feel seen" and "feel alive" , grappling with their own unhealed wounds.

The Path Forward: From Venom to Wise Trust

Healing from betrayal trauma is not about quick decisions. It's a journey that requires building a strong support system, conducting a needs assessment, and developing a "10, 10, 10 plan" for your future.

A critical step is understanding and setting boundaries. Mr. Jay suggests starting by identifying your core values and inverting them into boundaries. Boundaries aren't about controlling others; they're about holding ourselves accountable. This process builds self-worth, self-image, and self-love, which are essential for making healthy decisions.

Perhaps the most empowering takeaway is this: you must take 100% responsibility for who you are and how you show up in relationships, but take zero responsibility for someone else's choice to betray you. They had other options.

As Mr. Jay wisely puts it, "Nobody has ever died from a snake bite. What people die from is when the venom gets into their veins and gets to their heart". The work of healing is to prevent that venom from permeating your entire being.

Our brains are malleable and can heal. While we may not "completely heal" in the sense of erasing the experience, we learn to "manage trauma".

The blessing lies in developing "wise trust" instead of blind trust and experiencing post-traumatic growth – becoming stronger, more realigned, and more purposeful than before the trauma.

Connect with Mr. Jay for more resources and support: mrjayrelationshipcoach.com

On the latest episode of "Flip Your Mindset," I had the immense pleasure of sitting down with Susan Shofer, a powerhouse of knowledge and experience in a field that is, unfortunately, all too necessary: high-conflict divorce and parental alienation. This isn't just another conversation about divorce; this is a deep dive into the strategic, emotional, and often traumatic landscape that many, particularly women, are forced to navigate.

As many of you know, I hold a special place for women going through high-conflict divorces. It's a process that doesn't just bring up the current abuse and control, but also pours salt into old wounds, leaving clients emotionally distraught and dysregulated. That’s why I wanted to bring Susan on. Her unique background as a licensed private investigator turned divorce coach gives her an unparalleled edge in understanding the logistics and strategies needed to weather this storm.

Susan and I often collaborate on client cases, and as she puts it, it’s a partnership that helps clients navigate both the "clear edges" and the "messy middle" of their journey.

What Exactly is a Divorce Coach?

Many people aren’t familiar with the term, so I asked Susan to break it down. A divorce coach is more than just a life coach; they are trained professionals who understand the multifaceted nature of divorce. Susan, for instance, attended the CDC Coaching Academy for an intensive four-month program.

A good divorce coach helps with:

* Financial guidance, connecting you with experts like certified divorce financial advisors.

* Emotional regulation during a time of fear and upset.

* Ensuring your safety, especially if domestic violence is a factor.

* Strategizing your behavior throughout the process, because as Susan notes, "a lot of our behaviors because we're triggered to respond, sitting back and think a little bit before we jump into it."

Critically, Susan believes the first step in a divorce shouldn't be hiring a lawyer, but a divorce coach. Why? To build a strategy first. As she says, "I always recommend people do this very early in the game." Too often, clients come to her months into the process, feeling lost and with legal representation that isn't a good fit for their situation. It’s about creating a level playing field from the start.

The Stark Difference Between Divorce and High-Conflict Divorce

Susan laid out the landscape of divorce with striking clarity. About 85% of divorces are what she calls "normal." These are couples who grew apart and, while there might be some animosity, they make a concerted effort to be equitable and not involve the children.

The other 15%? That's the high-conflict space. These aren't just difficult divorces; they are often battles against individuals who may have personality disorders like narcissism or psychopathy. Susan has a fascinating exercise for her clients: "ask yourself, what did you see? What was the red flag you saw before you got married?" Invariably, the signs were there. As she bluntly puts it, if you were married to a high-conflict person, "what do you think they're going to be when you go to get divorced, they're going to ramp it up."

Unpacking Parental Alienation

This is where the conversation took an intense, but crucial, turn. Parental alienation is a term that gets thrown around, sometimes even weaponized, so I wanted Susan to define it from her expert perspective.

Parental alienation, in its simplest form, is when one parent turns a child against the other parent. But the reality is far more insidious. It's a "behind the scenes indoctrination of changing the child's view of that targeted parent." The core of it, Susan explains, is fear. A child rejects a parent because they have been made to fear them.

Susan powerfully distinguishes between estrangement and alienation:

* Estrangement is when a child doesn't want to be with a parent for a valid reason.

* Alienation is when a child has been indoctrinated to reject a parent.

How can you tell the difference? The language. An alienated child often parrots phrases and concepts that are not their own. As Susan says, "when a six year old says I don't want to go to dad's house because his girlfriend's a w***e... Where does the six year old hear it?" These children can be verbose and show a startling lack of guilt about their rejection of the targeted parent. In contrast, a child who has been genuinely abused will often hide the abuse and still express love for both parents, despite the pain.

This process is devastating, not just for the targeted parent, but for the child. Susan has collected stories from 327 adults who were alienated as children, and a common thread is the immense guilt they carry. One of the most heartbreaking questions she asks them is, "which parent were you really afraid of?" The answer is "hands down 100% the alienate[ing parent]."

These children are not just manipulated; they are used as pawns. As one adult survivor told Susan, "they don't care about you. You're just something they use. And then they abandoned."

What Can You Do?

If any of this resonates with you, the overwhelming message from Susan is this: you cannot do this alone. It is a "fool's journey to think that they can do that on their own without strategic and logistical support."

The key is documentation and early intervention. If you see the signs, particularly when your children are young, it's crucial to act. The older the children get, the more the courts tend to listen to their wishes, even if those wishes are the result of manipulation.

This was such an important conversation, and I’m so grateful to Susan for sharing her expertise. Her unique blend of investigative skill, strategic coaching, and deep understanding of parental alienation is a rare and invaluable resource.

If you are facing a high-conflict divorce or suspect parental alienation, please know there is support available. You can find Susan Shofer on her website at susanshofer.com and on Instagram at @SusanShofer. She works with clients all over the world and can provide the tools, knowledge, and expertise you need to navigate this battle. As I said during our chat, going into this battle with someone who has been through it hundreds of times is simply the right thing to do.

Of all the topics we’ve explored over the years on the podcast, there's one we’ve never truly dissected, yet it silently dictates so much of our lives: money. It’s a subject often shrouded in shame and secrecy, but its influence is everywhere, in our relationships, our careers, and our sense of well-being.

What if I told you that your financial habits, whether you’re a meticulous saver, an anxious spender, or someone who avoids looking at their bank account altogether might not be entirely your own?

In a fascinating conversation with licensed professional counselor Marshaya Rountree, we uncovered just how deeply our financial behaviors are shaped by the generations that came before us. The research is staggering, suggesting we carry the emotional and psychological imprint of up to seven generations. Think about that. We are not that far removed from epic historical traumas that fundamentally influenced our family's access to and relationship with money.

The Invisible Inheritance: From Historical Trauma to Your Wallet

For many, especially within the BIPOC community, this isn't just abstract history. Marshaya pointed to the intentional systems, like chattel slavery, that were designed to prevent entire communities from building wealth. When a person's very existence was monetized for someone else's gain, it creates a profound and complicated dichotomy when it comes to now owning and managing money. There were no healing spaces to process this trauma, forcing survival modes that have been passed down through generations.

But this echo of trauma isn’t limited to one community. I found myself reflecting on my own great-grandmother, born in the 1890s. She witnessed the invention of electricity in the home, two world wars, and the dawn of the automobile. She lived off the land and chilled food in a creek. The way she and my great-grandparents viewed money, born from a world of necessity and survival, undoubtedly shaped my grandparents. Even if it was never spoken about, my parents marinated in that mindset, which in turn influenced how I was raised. And that's only three generations back.

Are You in a Toxic Relationship with Money? Your Financial Attachment Style

Marshaya introduced a groundbreaking concept: we develop attachment styles to money just as we do in our relationships. Where do you see yourself?

* Secure Attachment: You have a budget and feel confident in it. You know where your money is going, you plan for rainy days, and while you’re not obsessive, you feel in control.

* Insecure-Avoidant Attachment: You’d rather do anything than look at your bank statements or credit card bills. The very thought of it creates anxiety, so you just want the bills paid without knowing the details.

* Insecure-Anxious Attachment: This is the hyper-vigilant checker. You check your bank account daily, maybe even after every transaction. Despite having a budget, you never feel truly secure that it’s working. This often stems from past financial hardships.

* Insecure-Disorganized Attachment: A chaotic mix of the above, where you might feel like you have a handle on things, but a closer look reveals disarray.

These styles are often forged in the crucible of our childhood. Did you witness money being weaponized in your home? Perhaps one parent controlled all the finances, leaving the other in a state of financial abuse. A child growing up in that environment might develop an anxious attachment, vowing to never be trapped in that way, yet finding themselves unable to trust a partner with merged finances.

The Lie That Money Isn't Emotional

One of the biggest fallacies is that money is purely logical. I can tell you from personal experience, it is profoundly emotional.

Years ago, the business I co-owned with my family collapsed in the wake of the Lehman Brothers crash. We were financially decimated. I remember being curled up on my kitchen floor, my nervous system so wrecked with the visceral threat of not being able to pay my mortgage or buy food that I could barely breathe.

In that moment of devastation, two things became crystal clear. First, I had given this thing—money—an immense amount of power over my ability to feel safe and secure. My joy and happiness had become conditional on having "enough". Second, I recognized that money is just a piece of paper. It's a piece of paper run through a printing press that we assign value to. That day, my relationship with money changed forever. I refused to let it hold my joy captive for the years it would take to recover.

How to Start Healing Your Financial Trauma

So how do we begin to untangle these deep-seated beliefs and start healing? Marshaya offered a clear path forward:

* Start with Radical Honesty: Come to the table with honesty about your financial situation, without the heavy cloak of self-judgment. Acknowledge what you know and what you don't.

* Cultivate Awareness: This is the stepping stone for all healing. Get curious. Trace the thread of your beliefs. Ask yourself: Where did this story come from? You’ll likely find the roots in your childhood, in conversations you overheard, or behaviors you witnessed. This isn't about blame; it's about understanding that your mind is responding to past circumstances. You are not broken.

* Practice Self-Forgiveness: This was a tough one for me, but it's crucial. Forgive yourself for doing what you needed to do to survive. Those survival mechanisms, like operating from a scarcity mindset, were passed down because they helped your ancestors get through unimaginable hardship.

We must also challenge the core beliefs—the "lies"—we tell ourselves: "I'll never recover from this mistake," or "I'm just bad with money". These are just filters we see the world through, and they can be changed.

Healing your relationship with money is about more than just building wealth. It’s about reclaiming your sense of safety, your joy, and your power. It’s about understanding that you don't have to stay in a space of scarcity to survive. By doing this work, you can create a new legacy of wellness and empowerment for the generations to come.

Learn more about Marshaya’s work:

https://www.givinggracecounseling.com

Follow her on IG 👉 @GivingGraceCounseling

Hi everyone, it's Stacey Uhrig. I'm thrilled to share the final installment of my Flip Your Mindset podcast series featuring the incredible Kimberly Weeks. In this deeply personal episode, Kimberly and I dive into the complex issue of narcissistic abuse and coercive control, exploring how these toxic dynamics extend far beyond intimate relationships.

Throughout my conversations with Kimberly, a Certified Trauma and Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach and my mentor, I have learned so much about the origins of narcissistic behaviors and how they deeply affect our lives from childhood through adulthood. Kimberly beautifully breaks down the roles commonly seen in narcissistic family systems, like the "golden child," the "scapegoat," and the "lost child." These roles, often assigned unconsciously by parents, profoundly shape our self-worth and coping strategies.

Spotting Toxicity at Work

Kimberly and I also discussed how these family dynamics can spill over into our workplaces. I’ve personally seen how toxic work environments can echo childhood patterns, contributing to burnout and emotional exhaustion. It's essential to recognize these signs early and start setting firm boundaries, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Trust me, I’ve been there, and it’s challenging, but it’s so worth it.

Healing and Transformation

One of the most impactful lessons from my conversations with Kimberly has been recognizing the coping mechanisms we develop to survive. These adaptations were once necessary for our protection, but left unchecked, they can limit our growth and happiness. Kimberly has an incredible structured, seven-phase recovery program called Stand Firm, guiding individuals from initially recognizing their trauma ("triage") to achieving true personal healing and transformation.

Finding Strength in Community

Both Kimberly and I deeply believe in the power of community support for healing. Her Stand Firm program provides weekly coaching sessions in a judgment-free space, allowing participants to connect with peers who genuinely understand their struggles. I cannot emphasize enough how valuable and healing this community has been for those involved.

Meet Kimberly Weeks

Kimberly Weeks is more than just a recovery coach; she's someone who genuinely cares and has personally navigated this challenging journey. Her extensive experience and compassion have already helped countless individuals reclaim their lives.

🔗 Learn more about Kimberly’s Stand Firm Program

🔗 Join Kimberly’s groundbreaking case study

📲 Connect with Kimberly for daily support and inspiration on Instagram: @iamkimberlyweeks

🎧 Catch the full Flip Your Mindset podcast series on narcissistic abuse and coercive control

Remember, you don't have to walk this path alone. Healing is not just possible—it's within your reach.