Ashleigh wrote “Swing” because it was her deepest, darkest secret.  She thought that there wouldn’t be anybody in the world that could relate to what she experienced, so she wrote about about it to tell everybody. She thought, “Now I’m going to make this into art to share it.”  An artist understands that every person will experience art in a different way, and that’s ok.

“Swing” is a book about the story of her and her husband getting into an exclusive sex club in New York City and the things that happen at the club.  The book is meant to be a “bait and switch” though, because according to Ashleigh, the book is actually about “how easy it is to lose yourself in the roles that you think you should be playing for other people,” not about sex clubs.

She coached figure skating, 150 skaters on 10 teams.  In a decade, she realized that she had been showing up for everybody else, but not for herself.  Her marriage was imploding.  She realized that she didn’t have a firm foundation anywhere in her life like she thought she had.  

All of us are looking to feel “filled up.”  Most of us have one or two ways of feeling filled up that aren’t good for us.  Ashleigh found out that getting attention from other men was one of those things that made her feel good.  She got the attention and affection that she desired in her own marriage through other men that she interacted with at these clubs.  Growing up, she was the child who “never needed anything.”  She simply reached for another accomplishment.

There are so many men who have connected with Ashleigh and to how she feels in the book.  Some people may assume it to be a creepy thing, but it ends up being the complete opposite.  Men describe her as being like a big sister.  The way she describes things in the book are “you and your partner,” so there’s a universal aspect to it.  People just want to talk to her about their feelings, men included.

Where do we get our information?  Our parents don’t typically talk about sex in front of us, or finances, or any of the other things that cause us problems as adults.

Hot sex is a side effect of a healthy relationship.  When we turn the iceberg on it’s side, though, it’s a way to get all of our communications and connections to be better.  

The book actually started as a screenplay, but she couldn’t finish it.  She got about halfway through and realized that people would find comfort in knowing the story actually happened after posting some things on social media and getting some positive feedback.  

If we want to get to the place of radical connection, we have to go through the valley of honesty.  She thought that the only thing that was ever good enough was something that was flawless.  Anything less needed to be glossed over.  “Good or better” was the only way to succeed.  If you’ve had any kind of fracture in your relationship and you decide to stay together and work through it, on the other side of the fracture is a freedom to not be afraid of being imperfect anymore.

Peeing can teach us something about how we should treat ourselves.  For Ashleigh, she realized that she needed to simply pee whenever she had the urge.  If she couldn’t go, “Ashleigh needs to pee,” or “Ashleigh is hungry or tired,” she couldn’t be trusted to make the good decisions about the other cues that her body is telling herself.  How do we know what we like sexually if we don’t even listen to our bodies for the simple things?

Ashleigh’s book “Swing” is available anywhere books are sold.  Other ways to stay connected with Ashleigh are:

On IG: @AshleighRenard

“Keeping It Hot: The Workbook” - pre-orders available now!

Tiffany wants all women to have beautiful sex lives, which is why she loves to talk about sex.

So much of what we’re told is either black or white in church isn’t really black or white.  One of the harmful things about the way the Church has approached sexuality is that it is approached as black or white.  

Tiffany talks about a book called, “Out of Sorts” by Sarah Bessey.  It explains that kids need “black and white.”  A lot of people never leave the stage of blind acceptance, though.  The black and white answers feel safe, but they are only meant to be a ‘beginning.’  We need to be questioning the “why” behind the black and white answers.

She grew up in the church because her father was the youth pastor at the church.  Her childhood was very sheltered and conservative.  She was homeschooled.  She never talked about sex and didn’t even know basic body anatomy.  Even the word “vagina” was foreign to her.  She grew up afraid of everything, especially relationships between her and the boys she was interested in.  

In college, she had a boyfriend.  When he put his arm around her, she knew that it felt good, but she felt incredible guilt and shame around how she felt.  She felt like in order to keep his attention on her and off of pornography, she needed to keep going further and further physically.  Still, they never had sex but the guilt and shame kept growing.  She felt like there was a wall between her and God.  Eventually, her dad broke up the relationship because she was honest about how physical their relationship had gotten with him.  

The next few years, she struggled with hating her body and with relationships.  She wanted to be in a relationship, but all of her past struggles with relationships made it extremely difficult.  Eventually, she developed a mentorship with her pastor and his wife and started to share her thoughts and feelings with them, which started her healing journey.  She then ended up dating another guy who was really good for her, which was the opposite of her first relationship.  

You can’t have good sex if you aren’t “in your body.”  She still had a lot of baggage around sex.  How are you going to enjoy sex if it’s just “duty sex.”  She didn’t know her body at all and she couldn’t figure it out.  She need to learn how to be present in her own body to be able to enjoy sex and figure out how to have a good orgasm.  

Sex is about being in it together.  It isn’t a dictatorship or one person telling the other how sex should be.  We need to be on the same page as our partners.  Sex is not a duty.  It’s all a mutual compromise.  

Tiffany also mentions a book by Sheila Gregoire - “The Great Sex Rescue.” This book contains research based evidence for breaking down the myths that a lot of Christian women have believed about sex.  She sees nuance in how Christians view sex.  Without context, it is very hard to understand what the Bible has to say about the subject.   

You can get turned on without judgment.  Learn to understand your body and understand what your body is telling you and take the time to understand what works for you as an individual and as a couple.

Resource for listeners: “The Wedding Night Talks - How do you get from nothing to great sex.  Here’s what you need to talk about… “

You can find more about Tiffany at:

tiffanydawn.net

And on IG: @TiffanyDawnIQB

Kyra was kidnapped and sexually assaulted by an ex-boyfriend her Junior year of High School.  She was taken in the middle of the night and was transported to a field behind the local HS where she was assaulted in many ways.  She was put back in the car and made the comment to him “I can’t believe I ever trusted you.”  So, instead of taking her home, he took her to the dump, where she thought she was going to die.

Nobody in her hometown believed her.  He was a preacher’s son and an athlete and on an athletic scholarship and nobody thought he would ever do such a thing.  So, she didn’t know where to turn or who would believe her.

She didn’t see a therapist for any of this until nearly 10 years later and has been in therapy ever since.  Every week in therapy is a new adventure uncovering new things about herself.  If she had started therapy immediately following her trauma, she admits that she may not have gotten as much out of it.  

She wasn’t believed, so she didn’t even believe herself.

We aren’t “dealing with things,” we’re working through things.  She will never go back to her life the way it used to be.  There is before the trauma and there is after the trauma and you can never go back to the time before, you can only work to make the life after the trauma the best that it can be.  

What’s the new normal?  How has this trauma shown up in Kyra’s life?  She is very up front about how things have affected her.    She is very open and honest about what has happened to her, at least at a high level, with prospective partners.  So many of them can’t handle it and basically run away.  She realizes that this is not about her, it’s about what they can or cannot handle.  Kyra shares a couple of examples of times with partners that involve how her trauma has affected her sexual encounters.   

She didn’t want to go to therapy because “broken people go to therapy.”  She was willing to share her brokenness, but wanted to seem put together all the time on social media.  This was because, according to her therapist, she needed to control the narrative.  So, she had to bribe herself to go to therapy.  She wasn’t there to talk about her trauma, she was just there to talk about whatever the problem was at the time.  Of course, her problems seemed to point back to her trauma, so eventually she was able to talk about the things from her past and begin healing from these traumatic events.

She cared so much about the person that assaulted her, she didn’t tell the truth about what happened.  The night it happened, her dad told her to write down everything that happened.  So she went back and got a copy.  When she looked back at what she wrote down, so much of what she remembers happening wasn’t in what she wrote down because she was still protecting him at the time.

“Good sex can’t happen until you learn to love yourself, and what you like and what your body likes.”  Society teaches us that a man’s pleasure is the most important thing, but that’s just not true.  Uncomfortable conversations are important to get the truth out there about sex.  They’re hard to have, but they get better over time.

Kyra can be found on IG: @kflatow09

When it comes to sex, where do we start?  How do you want to be approached and how do you want to hear “no?”  This is an important conversation we all need to have with our partners.  What makes sex meaningful?  How to hear “no” is a little more complicated.  Is it a simple “no,” or is there a reason behind it?  What words are we choosing, and what messages are being received with those words?  Having these conversations eliminates some of the superfluous issues that come from miscommunication around sex.

What determines the end of sex?  Usually, it is after the man has an orgasm and this is the message we get at a young age.  Religion and family of origin play a part in this, too, when the message centers around the pleasure of the man.  So, then sex starts to become a chore, just like vacuuming the house.  So, why would women want to keep having sex or have desire for sex if that’s the case?

We need to understand what it is that we enjoy.  Ashley talks about “brakes” and “accelerators.”  A bad night’s sleep is a ‘brake.’  When your partner is attentive to you, that’s an ‘accelerator.’  So, we need to start understanding what helps our desire and what hinders our desire.  When your car is at a full stop, pressing on the accelerator doesn’t automatically get it to full speed, it takes some time and constant pressure on the accelerator to get there.  It’s the same way with sexual desire.

Word choice is important.  If you don’t feel “safe,” you should think twice about it.  She says, “if it isn’t an enthusiastic ‘yes,’ then it’s a ‘no’” when it comes to sex.  Comfort is something entirely different.  How do we make sex both safe and comfortable?  

How do we find desire and safe, comfortable sex?  We can start by changing things up and seeing what feels better.  Change the time, change the place, or change the position.  If you’re having sex the same way every time, we’re over-relying on comfort and it can start to feel boring and monotonous.  Comfortable and safe sex is fine, but a third thing that Ashley suggests adding if you have those two already is variety.

What about when we get older or when our health starts to deteriorate or when our bodies start to go?  This is where exploring with your partner and figuring out what sensations you like versus what you don’t like come into play.  It is about opening up the to the vulnerability of trying new things and exploring uncertainty with somebody who you’re comfortable with.  The idea is to get more “yes’s” than “no’s.”  It doesn’t have to be sexual in nature.  Jumping into the deep end doesn’t have to be how exploration goes.  If you start small, you don’t have to realize that something isn’t for you when you’re in the moment and it’s too late.

For those that may have had some sort of sexual trauma, Ashley says that the number one thing about improving sex is not to talk about it when things could get sexual.  Don’t talk about it at night (or the time you’re most likely to have sex), and don’t talk about it in bed ( or the place you’re most likely to have sex).  We really don’t want to conflate the bad thing that somebody else did to you with the good thing that sex should be for you.  

You can get it touch with Ashley at:

[email protected]

blueharbortherapy.com

Ashley also writes monthly for Kiss & Tell Magazine:

https://www.kissandtellmagazine.com/author/agrubbs/

So, how do we talk about sex and everything that goes along with it?  For Fox, you start by acknowledging that it’s awkward.  Two people doing a very intimate physical act is very complicated.  Having humor about it can also go a long way.  So, we start by owning the fact that we don’t have a lot of practice talking about these things and that it’s going to be awkward until it isn’t.

Everybody is going to have their own experience with sex and it will depend on how sex was introduced in their lives.  It also depends on the messages people have received during their lives surrounding sex.

We as humanity attach sexual connotations to so many things that should not be sexualized.  It is apparent in the commercials we see and other things such as children’s swimwear and beauty pageants for underage kids.  This is one of the problems when it comes to understanding sex.

For Fox, he suggests familiarizing yourself with what it is that makes you uncomfortable when it comes to sex.  Everybody has a limit, but how do we know what that limit is?  Of course, when there is sexual abuse in your past, this can be a very dangerous thing to do.  Talking to a therapist is always important to help each of us understand our own individual relationships with sex.  When we figure out where our limits are, it’s important to own those limits in addition to understanding them.

How can couples be more sex-positive?  Each person has their own experiences around sex.  The main thing is to avoid shame when it comes not only to our partner’s experiences, but also our own.  Fox explains that consent is very important, too.  Quoting Planned Parenthood, he explains that consent is best when given with FRIES; Freely-given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific.  

How many of us had a comprehensive class on sexual education before we got involved with sex?  How many of us had a class on finances before we started having to pay taxes?  These are important conversations to have, but most of us are not having them.  How do we give our kids the best head start on having a good relationship with sex?  We start by taking away the awkwardness and shame that we feel around the topic.  

Also, we need to use the proper anatomical terms for our biological parts.  We need to normalize talking about these awkward things.  Not only do we need to normalize the awkwardness of all things in life, we also need to teach our kids to use their voices.  Samantha and Fox use the example of hugging.  If our kids don’t want a hug from a grandparent or from a friend, saying ‘no’ needs to be an option given to them and they need to know how to exercise their right to say ‘no.’

Even telling kids that if something feels good in the moment, but doesn’t feel good afterward, that’s something that needs to be talked about.  So, how do we normalize these conversations with our children?  Well, it’s only awkward of you make it awkward.  We need to be able to talk about these awkward things in a non-awkward way.  Then, according to Fox, kids need to be encouraged to explore themselves.  The more we can talk about these things, the more we can get rid of the stigmas around them.  We can take away the things that make sex taboo.

Mr. Fox can be found at:

Calm Fox Coaching

FB, IG, and Twitter: @calmfoxcoaching

Or visit calmfoxcoaching.com to schedule a free 45 minute call.

In this episode, Samantha talks with poet and author of "How to Bury a Boy at Sea," Phil Goldstein.  Phil talks about the struggles in his life caused by his childhood trauma that eventually led him to therapy.  Once in therapy, he realized that being a victim of childhood sexual abuse didn't have to define who he is.  He talks with Samantha and her husband, Jeremy, about the entire process and about his journey to healing.  Phil also discusses the process of compiling the poems he has in his book and Samantha takes a few examples of pieces he has written and talk about what they mean to her and Jeremy.  This is a heavy episode with such a great message, so listen in as Phil, Jeremy, and Samantha "Flush It Out!"

In this episode, Samantha talks with Jody Tompros, retired social worker/therapist and owner of Mindfulness Painting, and her husband, Thom Overton, who is a couple's therapist.  Thom discusses his book, "Can COVID Save This Marriage? A Therapist's Pandemic Diary," how it came to be, and how it helps people feel seen and heard.  Thom and Jody discuss previous marriages, issues they see in couples that have come to them for guidance, and whether or not sex can be the sole reason a couple stays together.  So, listen in as Jody, Thom, Jeremy, and Samantha "Flush It Out!"

In this episode, Samantha talks with the owner of Orchid Story, Rachel Nusbaum, about how we can all explore the art of writing to help us on our own healing journeys.  Her business, Orchid Story is coaching with a focus on writing as therapy.  Rachel tells us how writing has helped her and how it has helped so many others she has worked with.  She reminds us the work of writing can sometimes be an uphill climb, but it is always worth it.  So, listen in as Samantha and Rachel "Flush It Out!"

In this episode, Samantha talks with Internal Family Systems Coach, Corinna Coppola.  Corinne talks about her upbringing and why she eventually decided to get into Internal Family Systems (IFS) as a practice.  She talks us through the basics of IFS and gives us a foundation to go by if any listeners would ever want to explore this healing process.  So, listen in as Corinna and Samantha "Flush It Out!"

Danielle Brooks acknowledged all that was happening.  She dug into her childhood trauma.  She started to map out how some of the unhealed areas in her life shaped the decisions she was making.  Danielle realized that people get stuck in regret or in lost opportunities.  

It was her 50th birthday and she was trying to figure out how to celebrate in the midst of the pandemic.  She didn’t want to be stuck in “healing mode.”  She figured out that we all need to listen to our intuition and listen to ourselves.

Eventually she stopped therapy and got out of the divorce recovery group that she had been a part of.  For her birthday, she decided to make “Top 10 Lists” instead.  

Dealing with the trauma is necessary, but there was joy she found along the way.  She wanted to reconnect to the little girl inside of her.  She also struggled with “toxic positivity.”  She needed to be healed enough to know whether or not she was denying her own reality, but she also realized that it’s ok to be a positive person in the world.

Grief was important for her because she was a person who didn’t have a lot of self-worth.  It took her holding space for her own grief and allowing herself to feel those feelings in order to turn that around.  Talking about it with safe people is important, also.  She found her “helpers!”

Danielle says that taking the first step is important.  You may be surprised where you find support.  There can be a lot of healing when you become open and vulnerable.  This lightens your grief.

We live in a youth-focused culture.  This makes it challenging to feel comfortable at your age.  Let yourself “be.”  Be where you are.  Be who you are.  Be the age you are.

How do you do an “autopsy” of your own life?

She likes to write, so she started with one question.  “When was the last time that I felt truly happy?” From the list that this question prompted, she started to dig a little bit deeper into those and went from there.  After that, she started to go back even earlier and did the same thing.  It created a “web of happiness” for her.  

Danielle was living life like she could outrun her past; that she could achieve enough to close the door on her past.  She had rehearsed her vulnerability story very well.  It was a story of overcoming; a military career, getting a masters degree, etc. She told herself that she could “pray her way” out of her past.  But, she had never dealt with it.  She had to go back and reclaim the rest of her story.

Danielle finishes her time on the podcast by mentioning a couple of books that have helped her on her journey:

Crystal Evans Hurst’s book, “She’s Still There.”  Rediscovering the little girl inside of you.  This book helped her to be confident with who she is.  She is now embracing every aspect of who she is.

“Everything Belongs” by Richard Rohr.  This book integrated her Christian beliefs with the rest of her life. She was able to tap into her spirit and expand her capacity to open herself up to her internal intuition.