#selfhealersdiaries
Every so often I notice someone struggling in their relationship to get over a break up and seeking letting go or detachment (Stoicism based) recommendations. I found out the best way to create a response based on Stoicism is as follows.
Use the Stoic Rules
1. The underpinning rule I feel for all of them is the dichotomy of control. It helps us create a quality life when we practice acceptance. We focus on things within our control and let go of things outside our control.
When you prioritise internal locus of control, you also respect other's choices and freedom. This is because you value your own freedom and recognise other's feel the same.
2. Show up as the person you would like to date. Love yourself and others as you would like to be loved. You set an example of how you would be loved. Would you date yourself and live your life with you? Why?
3. Be mindful of what you say, do, think and feel. Learn to lean into your sensations, and take your time to evaluate your every step. Slow down! Avoid rushing.
4. When you are mindful, you can evaluate your triggers or a situation or person before reacting or jumping to conclusions. We are often overwhelmed by a desire to say what we need to say immediately without considering impact on others. Situational role reversal can help you put yourself in the shoes of another.
5. Take responsibility for your life and choices. Prioritise your wellbeing. Respect the choices you make and that they might not be helpful. Nobody makes you do what you do not want in a relationship. You therefore co-create a dynamic. Rather than blame another person, identify that you can learn to make different choices in future.
3. Buy tranquillity
To practice unconditional peacefulness, you need to accept that the impact of situations on you come from your perception not fact. For this reason, you need to have self-management and self-regulation tools to manage situations so that you are not reacting to everyone and everything.
4. Act despite the emotions.
Cultivate discipline and continue with your goals. Resist urges or temptations. Commit to yourself and do not be swayed by emotions. Create boundaries in your relationship. Remember your why and act in your best interest.
5. Accept what happens
As above, life will happen. Things you did not expect will unfold because of externals and also your lack of self-awareness and self-management tools. You benefit from welcoming what happens, applying an objective view, regulating emotions and creating solutions rather than staying stuck in your problems.
6. People are on loan. Enjoy them while you have them. When they are leaving, they are choosing. When someone leaves focus on what you have and accept that space for something new. Do not attach people to your goals. Grieve and let go. Trust the process
7. Be in the moment
To minimise unhappiness, practice being in the moment. Objective evaluation and self-regulation tools are helpful to self-parent and create solutions and then come back to the present. Enjoy time you spend with your sweetheart without focusing on problems, on past or future too much.
To enable these outcomes - create date nights.
Conflict resolution hour weekly.
Share love languages.
Minimise complaints by learning to be authentic, open and expressive. Ypu do not need to share everything with your lover. You need to practice love on three levels. Learn to self-parent, self-soothe and give yourself what you need. Next, identify if you need to say anything to your lover. If you do, use Non-Violent Communication and feeling statements. Avoid control , entitlement, blame and demands. Welcome their choice and decide a way forward from deducing what is in your best interest.
Forgive your partner and others. Forgiveness does not mean allow yourself to be taken for granted. It helps to choose your battles, resolve conflict and not let things accumulate. You can also forgive someone and lea
