Do you have questions about God? Are you interested in learning about Him? In 2017 I faced many challenges and felt the strain. Oddly, despite these difficulties, I was more at peace than I’d ever been. Do you desire peace? Do you need rest? Listen today and learn how you can begin today, through a saving relationship with Jesus Christ!

Do you know what it means to be born again? Are you certain that you have eternal life in God?

During the summer of 2017 I was fighting to keep my son and maintain relationships with my family. God would use these events to open my eyes in a whole new way to the things that are important. Discover with me the truth about sin and personal transformation.

We’ll reveal where to get started in having a personal, saving relationship with Jesus and how you can begin today! Listen until the end, you don’t want to miss a word – this is Born Bad!

“I was kicked out of Anthony,” I overheard.

I turned in my chair to see who was speaking. Vikki, one of the ABE students, was talking with the teacher, Ms. Shaibley. It was a Monday afternoon in August 2016 and the school day was nearly over. I was at my desk reading my mail.

Facing a trial for my parental rights next month, I believed the psych evaluation I’d done in 2012 might help me, however I was having trouble requesting a copy from the psych department. I was frustrated and upset. Time was running out.

“What happened?” I heard our teacher, Ms. Shaibley, ask Vikki. She set down her work to give Vikki her full attention.

As Vikki responded the P.A. system overhead burst to life, drowning out the answer. “Two-thirty movement is open! Movement is open!” I watched Ms. Shaibley console Vikki but couldn’t hear what was said.

Vikki was a small person, shorter even than my 5-foot frame. Quite a bit older than me, Vikki came to prison with a third-grade education. I was shocked when she told me she’d left school permanently at age 9.

She lived, or had lived, in the Anthony unit, also known as the parenting unit. Vikki had no young children herself, rather she was a helper for those in the unit who did. When I arrived at prison in 2011, the Anthony unit was giving incarcerated moms the opportunity to have their children spend the weekend with them in prison. The children slept in the same room as their mother, on trundle beds kept under the mother’s bunk.

Not long after my prison orientation, drugs were found in Anthony and kid overnights were suspended. This discovery left everyone dismayed. It was announced that the suspension would last 90 days, however soon drugs were found again. Eventually overnights were abandoned altogether.

The prison readjusted its parenting program to include all-day Saturday visits for children whose moms lived in Anthony. These fun visits often included special holiday parties and special decorations were made by the Anthony unit to celebrate. All women living in Anthony helped, and Vikki was one of these women.

Catching up to Vikki after class I walked beside her as we exited the Core Building. “I heard you mention moving to a new unit,” I began. “What’s going on?”

Vikki shrugged and sighed as she answered, “They did room inspections and found an extra pillowcase in my linens.” She shook her head ruefully, adding, “I didn’t realize that was so serious .”

Linens, or bed sheets and towels, were distributed weekly on “Linen Exchange Day.” Inmates were required to strip their beds and fold all linens neatly in a stack. Wing by wing each unit would call women to the day room to receive new, clean linens.

Vikki, like many women, had probably kept extra linens so she could wash them in her preferred brand of detergent, disliking the harsh industrial smelling soap used by the DOC. One could receive permission to do this, but most women didn’t ask.

Vikki’s comment drew me up short. I’d begun working to identify sinful behavior in my life. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be, so I asked God to show me my sins.

Now I thought of my own linens. While I did not have extra sheets or towels, I was keeping an extra blanket and pillow. I’d gained the extra blanket from a past roommate who had permission for it. She gave it to me when she went home. Unlike the blanket, I had stolen the extra pillow right out from under a guard’s nose.

I recall my theft clearly. I was sitting in the dayroom and noticed a pile of pillows and a bag next to the guard desk. “What’s all of that?” I asked someone near me.

“Missy is moving,” was the reply.

“Why does she have so many pillows?” I asked and was told Missy had M.S. My own pillow was neither plump nor soft. ‘I could use another one, a better one!’ I thought.

Storing up courage I quickly made my move. Walking past the pile I bent and lifted a pillow on the way to my room. I’d kept the pillow and extra blanket ever since.

I was surprised I hadn’t thought about this recently.  I wanted to obey God. At first, I’d determined to follow rules I knew about. After a while I realized that my “rules don’t matter” attitude had blinded me to what many rules were!

So, I’d dug up my policy handbook. Reading the rules, I’d then sought to do better. Linens, however, had not crossed my mind.

Returning to my room that afternoon I folded my extra blanket and grabbed the pillow. I peaked out of my room and down the stairs. Officer Letcher was at the guard desk. I was hoping no one would see me when I left the items at the desk. Now, I briefly considered leaving the items without a word to Letcher but thought better of it.

Tiptoeing down the stairs with my arms full I waited at the desk. “I have these extra items,” I said quietly, “I’ll leave them here.” Letcher appeared surprised and didn’t respond. I quickly turned and hurried back upstairs.

Thinking again of my upcoming trial, I decided to call my oldest son Noel. “Hi Noel, how are you?” I asked as soon as he answered. We talked for a bit and then I asked as I had several times all summer, “Have you called Tim?”

I wanted to encourage family connections, which had become increasingly important to me. I was becoming quickly frustrated, however, with my family’s lack of enthusiasm. I could understand their anger towards me, but I did not understand ignoring my young son Tim. Once again Noel answered me, “No, not yet.”

The strain of the looming trial was increasing my stress. Everything took on an importance it wouldn’t otherwise have. Hanging up the phone I went to my room and stewed. I decided to write Noel an email expressing my concerns about Tim and my frustration with Noel.

Soon I received an email response from Noel. He was angry.  While it was a short email, it was vicious. After that Noel stopped talking to me too.

 Checking my mailbox a few days later I saw another response from psych. After weeks of wrangling with them to receive a copy of my tests, they had relented, but they insisted a therapist be in the room with me while I reviewed my records. The supervising therapist was one I’d had issue with the in the past.

My stomach tightened remembering the previous year when I’d asked for counseling sessions and had been paired with an intern. Our first session was our last. Seated in a small room in the mental health unit, I’d faced her, my new therapist. Between us lay a table and windows facing out toward the guard desk.

“How can I help you today?” she asked.

“I want to be well prepared for my release,” I answered. “I do not know what to expect for reentry, but I want to do well. I have a question for you,” I added. Nodding, she waved to me to continue. “How much experience do you have with inmate reentry and the possible stresses one might experience?”

Her eyes narrowed. Crossing her arms over her chest she leaned back and demanded, “What do you mean by that?”

Confused by her reaction I tried to explain further, “Well, I do not know what to expect when I’m released. I imagine it could be difficult for me, however I don’t know in what ways. I’d like to prepare. I’m asking if that’s something you can help me with.”

Her eyes had grown dark with anger as I spoke. Sucking in a breath she launched, “HOW DARE YOU! How dare you question my education and skills! Who do you think you are?” Spit flew onto the table as she raised her voice higher, “What gives you the right to question my abilities? You should be ashamed of yourself!” She finished with a shrill shriek.

The room echoed with silence as I stared at her in shock. She’d scooted further back in her chair. She began tapping her toe. She challenged me to respond. I began slowly in a near whisper, “I wasn’t doing that at all. I had already assumed that your assignment here today means you are qualified for the work of a therapist. I’d have no reason to think otherwise. I was asking how familiar you are with the incarceration experience and reentry.” Her posture remained tense.

Looking around the small room I felt the walls closing in. I was scared and intimidated by her outburst. I wanted to leave badly but didn’t know how to end this. Tentatively I spoke up, “I am very uncomfortable,” I started. Her toe tapping sped up. “I’d like to return to my room please,” I finished.

Waving a hand at the door she said nothing. After a moment’s pause, I fled from the room. Still wanting the help I’d requested I wrote a kite to the intern’s supervisor. I shared my recent experience. The supervisor’s response was brief, “No. You can resolve your issue with the intern I gave you or have no therapy at all.”

This supervisor was the appointed person to sit with me now while I reviewed my tests. What I didn’t know was that this appointment was about to be an answer to prayer in a very unusual way.

A week later I found myself at Monahan, the mental health unit, sitting in another small room. The door opened and the supervisor entered holding my file. She set it before me and sat against the wall quietly. The room seemed tense with her in it.

I flipped it open, not sure what to expect. Inside was a 15-page report, written years ago by treatment staff. I flipped through it, hoping to quickly find what I was looking for – positive statements about my mental health. After a few minutes of scanning, I realized I may need to review each page instead. The first 9 pages were written reports based on interviews I’d had with staff. I skipped to the bottom of page 10 and found the results of my written assessments.

It began well enough, stating, “Ms Aho did not exaggerate or approach the test in a guarded manner. She did not attempt to portray herself in either a favorable or disfavorable light. Results suggest that she was cooperative, attentive and focused.”

Relaxing a little, I continued to read and was immediately stopped short. I read, “Results suggest that Ms. Aho tends to be self-centered, insensitive, lacks empathy and demands attention and affection.” Slowly I read the rest of the paragraph which included phrases like “irresponsible, unreliable, moody and resentful.”

I set down the report and took a breath, considering. Cautiously I peaked at the next page and found more of the same. Another page turn and more of the same. I had not read this report when it was made 4 years earlier, but if I had I would have been angry and hurt. It was still painful to read even now, however I felt hopeful now instead of crushed.

I could see the truth in these words, and I knew Jesus could transform me. I saw the “before” in my soon to be “after” story. I rejoiced that God was opening my eyes to truth and answering prayer. I reached for my notebook and pen, which I’d brought with me. I began taking notes, page after page, as time ticked away.

After a bit I wondered how much time I had left. There was still a lot to take in. “Um, can I take more notes?” I asked the supervisor, who remained sitting quietly. Xerox copies might take more than a week to receive.

With a look of sympathy she nodded, adding, “I know these can be difficult to read.”

I turned to face her and replied with certainty, “Oh this is all true. Or it was anyway.” Surprise lit up her face as she read my eyes. I nodded at my pen and paper adding, “I’ve been praying for God to show me my own sin. Here’s an entire report about them. I want to start doing better today.” I returned my gaze to the table, lifting the report.

The supervisor thought a moment, her features softening. She stood and held out her hand. “Would you like me to make copies for you? I can do that right now.” She smiled. Now it was my turn to be surprised. I looked up into her face, now open and kind. I nodded eagerly and handed her the pages.

Later in my own room I puzzled over the conclusion of the report, which started, “she will likely resist psychological interpretations of her problems and when the reality of a situation is pointed out, she may be unable to see her role in it and claim the clinician simply doesn’t understand her.” I had not read this report when it was first created in 2012, but I knew if I had, that is exactly what I would have done. I would have been angry and hurt, fiercely defending myself.

It finished with the statement, “Treatment prognosis is poor, as her problems appear characterlogical and not readily amenable to change.”

I’d never seen the word “characterlogical” before and wondered what it meant. Not finding the word in a dictionary I went to the guard desk for help. I found Officer Letcher sitting at his computer and explained the problem. Would he look the word up online? He did and I learned something important.

I learned it meant “relating to character.” In essence it meant – born that way. The report was saying I was born with all these bad things and the person writing the report obviously believed a leopard doesn’t change its spots.

Considering, I lifted my eyes again to the paragraph just above, reading again, “she will likely resist psychological interpretations of her problems.” Well that was not true anymore, was it? I saw truth here on every page, an accurate description of my life and myself. What did that suggest? That I was a new creature. I smiled at the thought and thanked God for my new life.

I didn’t have anything here that would help me at trial, but I’d received an even bigger answer to prayer and evidence of God’s work in my life. Nothing is impossible with God!

Listener, how well do you understand what sin is? Did you know that the Bible provides a definition for us? It says in I John 3:

‘Everyone who commits sin is guilty of lawlessness; for that is what sin is, lawlessness, the breaking, violating of God’s law by transgression or neglect – being unrestrained and unregulated by His commands and His will.’

Sin is any thoughts or behaviors we have that do not accurately reflect God’s perfect character and nature. What does God say is the purpose of the law? Paul says in Romans 3:

19 Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world held accountable to God. 20 Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin.

I mentioned that sin is anything that does not perfectly reflect God’s nature. The book of Hebrews tells us that Jesus is the One Person Who never sinned. It says:

He is the sole expression of the glory of God, and He is the perfect imprint and very image of [God’s] nature

Jesus perfectly expresses the nature of God, because He is God. Why does it matter that Jesus is God, and not merely a man? The rest of this verse says:

When He had by offering Himself accomplished our cleansing of sins and riddance of guilt, He sat down at the right hand of the divine Majesty on high,

Perhaps you understand the idea of an innocent person willingly taking the punishment a guilty person deserves. An innocent human being, however, can only do this once for one person. Why? Because the value of one human life is one human life.

How many human lives is God worth? Since He is Creator, the answer is infinite human lives. He is the Author of life. Jesus can only take away the sin of all people if He is worth more than one man, in other words, if He is God, Creator of all things. Hebrews also tells us in chapter 1:

[But] in [b]the last of these days He has spoken to us in [the person of a] Son, Whom He appointed Heir and lawful Owner of all things, also by and through Whom He created the worlds and the reaches of space and the ages of time [He made, produced, built, operated, and arranged them in order].

How should we respond to this information today? Jesus tells us in John 3:

I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, that unless a person is born again (anew, from above), he cannot ever see the kingdom of God.

What is the kingdom of God? It says in Mark 1 that the kingdom of God is at hand. The Bible tells us eternal life is not a place or future state. John 17 says

And this is eternal life: [it means] to know (to perceive, recognize, become acquainted with, and understand) You, the only true and real God, and [likewise] to know Him, Jesus [as the] Christ (the Anointed One, the Messiah), Whom You have sent.

The kingdom of God is His sphere of influence, His power and you cannot even see His influence and His power, cannot know or understand Him, unless you are born again, spiritually reborn.

How is one born again? I John 5 tells us:

Everyone who believes (adheres to, trusts, and relies on the fact) that Jesus is the Christ (the Messiah) is a born-again child of God; and everyone who loves the Father also loves the one born of Him (His offspring).

2 By this we come to know (recognize and understand) that we love the children of God: when we love God and obey His commands.

If you do not know for certain today that you are a born again child of God, I encourage you to ask God to teach you and lead you to that step today. Jesus said in John 6:

40 For this is My Father’s will and His purpose, that everyone who sees the Son and believes in and cleaves to and trusts in and relies on Him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up [from the dead] at the last day….It is written in [the book of] the Prophets, And they shall all be taught of God [have Him in person for their Teacher]. Everyone who has listened to and learned from the Father comes to Me—…I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, he who believes in Me [who adheres to, trusts in, relies on, and has faith in Me] now possesses eternal life.

Dear Jesus, I pray for the person listening right now, and I pray for me. Give us deeper understanding of You. Draw us into an intimate relationship with you. Lead all who do not yet know You to saving knowledge of the Truth. Help us to love each other and obey You today. Amen!

Discover extra content in the blog post “Passing” Summer!

The summer of 2016 found me discovering God in a whole new way. Convicted of sins I’d thought nothing of in the past, I sought to surrender to God and experience victory over sin. This new path would take me through dangerous situations as well as improved relationships with others.

This surrender, with the Holy Spirit leading, would deliver amazing transformation and spiritual growth, as well as self-discipline I’d always longed for and felt I lacked.

Are you facing a journey filled with temptation? Are you searching for victory in your life? This episode will hit home for you and give you hope for tomorrow!

Join me on this journey!

Are you eager to obey God, yet find yourself falling victim to temptation over and over?

The summer of 2016 I began learning what it means to serve and obey God. As I sought to meet the needs of others God would show me His methods are better than my own. Join me as I gain new insights into honoring God and loving others. Discover with me the path to healing as you serve in your community.

We’ll uncover the secret to contentment in any situation and how you can begin today! Listen until the end, you don’t want to miss a word. This is Passing Summer.

“Noel, do you have Tim’s newest phone number?” I asked my oldest son. I was concerned about Tim and felt certain additional support from family and friends would help.

“I do,” Noel replied. “I have not called him lately though,” he added. I imagined Noel busy with his work in the Army Reserves as well as his regular job.

“Could you call?” I queried. “I think he’s lonely and would love some time with a big brother.” Mentally I urged Noel to agree.

“Yeah, I can do that,” Noel answered. “I’ll try later this week.”

Satisfied, I headed to my room. It was July 2016, 2 months to go before the trial that might terminate my parental rights with Tim. I was running out of people to call who might take him out of foster care for me. I began shifting my focus towards how I might win at trial regardless of where Tim lived.

 My newest lawyer provided me with no help in winning at trial. It seemed she saw her role not as an advocate, but rather a paper-pusher to usher me properly through the process of being tried and losing my rights.

“I have a great idea!” I told my lawyer one evening on the phone. “I’d like to ask family and friends to write supportive letters for me as testimony for the court!”

My lawyer was taken aback, responding, “You can’t submit anything like that to win the trial. It just isn’t done!”

Now it was my turn to be surprised. I’d repeatedly asked what I could or should do to prepare myself for the trial. My lawyer repeatedly answered, “Nothing.” Perhaps she was referring to her own level of effort.

I didn’t understand my lawyer’s attitude, but experience had taught me that she’d likely not submit anything I sent her to the court, even if I thought it was a good idea. Every time I had mentioned winning at trial, she’d seemed surprised I’d think such a thing was possible.

Have you ever encountered a situation where you felt let down or misunderstood by a professional who was supposed to support you? How did you cope with that disappointment?

Throughout the summer, God continued to teach and transform me. I was eager to obey Him, but I was sometimes doing so in my own ways. I would soon question – is it possible to have a good life doing everything God’s way?

As I headed to my room, I thought about the most recent Bible verses I’d read. I was discovering themes repeated throughout Scripture. One of these was helping people who are poor. There certainly were many poor people around me in prison. Excited to obey, I considered how I might do so.

The challenges faced by every inmate are in providing for themselves, paying for hygiene, medical visit co-pays, laundry soap and other necessities. For women, the prison did not even supply things like pads or tampons. For an inmate, a full month’s pay could be as little as $6 for full-time work, yet supplies were not sold at any discount. I would argue just the opposite – that inmates and their families are targeted for price gouging by unscrupulous companies who take advantage of people in desperate circumstances.

The prison wasn’t much different, giving only a token nod towards meeting the needs of people too poor to supply their own. A prison “indigent” status does exist, but the status was nearly impossible to achieve, requiring one to have zero dollars in their spending account for at least 2 weeks before qualifying. Since a job is mandatory, one’s three dollar, two week paycheck (for full-time work), naturally prevented indigent status.

State supplied indigent items are also laughable. It’s my opinion that whoever manufactures these products is running a scam. None of these items are usable nor even resemble the products they are meant to replace. I clearly remember using their toothpaste as glue to stick photos to the wall. It worked well….as glue.

This led many to find alternative methods for earning income, which is against prison policy. It also encouraged women to ask for or give needed items to others. This violated another rule as inmates are barred from “passing.” Passing is a term to describe giving anything to anyone, ever. Once a woman asked me for a phone number and, writing it on a piece of paper I gave it to her. Immediately a watching guard challenged what I’d done, telling me it was against the rules to give someone a piece of paper.

Nevertheless, most (if not all) inmates and even some guards give only a token nod to these rules. Like society’s obedience to street speed limits, people know what is expected but believe it’s impossible to live well within those boundaries.

In fact, to obey the rules was often considered immoral and uncaring by other inmates. “Are you going to eat that?” I was usually asked at meals. I had come to hate red apples, hard boiled eggs, and single serve drink packets. The real question being asked was, “Can I have that?” Refusal to pass uneaten items would generate an angry, perhaps even violent response such as, “You really aren’t going to share that? It’ll just go in the trash!”

Breaking the rules was expected and applauded. This behavior isn’t prison specific. Just try driving the speed limit on the highway and see how well that’s received. Breaking the law isn’t just common, it’s expected! If you don’t break the law, you’ll be heaped with abuse. Criminals aren’t special in this area, it’s human nature for all.

I had broken all these rules, from earning money outside of prison employment to passing whatever I felt like, anywhere I felt like. Mentally I agreed that these rules were rubbish, impossible to live within.

God was about to teach me that I had it all backwards. My new understanding would begin as I sought to obey God – first as He taught me that He can supply my every need and second, that He will do that for others, too.

Learning the first lesson I began to tell myself, “If I have it, I need it,” referring not only to what I desired, but some things I wished would go away like suffering. Similarly, I reminded myself, “If I don’t have it, I don’t need it.” I was beginning to understand the differences between wants and needs.

And while I was coming to accept these lessons when they applied to me, I apparently didn’t see them as true for others. I seemed to doubt God could fulfill His own promises within the confines of unlikeable prison rules.

By this time, I was earning a dollar an hour, more than many. Wanting to help people, my mind immediately went to sharing what I had. I thought I’d go further and ask people what they need and buy it for them.

At first things went well, and I felt very good about what I was doing. I would identify someone in need, and then share with them my desire to help. I began ordering items for others on canteen, passing these items to them outside of a guard’s notice and sharing more at meals.

I discussed the issue with my parents. They brought the matter to their church and soon I was given more money to fund my activities in “helping others.” Carefully I kept track of all canteen receipts, adding up money I’d spent on others to be a good steward of what I’d been given in donation. I would quickly learn a valuable lesson about rules and my own abilities versus God’s abilities.

One day Jackie approached me in the day room. I’d helped her with canteen items recently and she wanted to know if I would help again. I cheerfully agreed. As was typical, she requested basic hygiene items and over-the-counter medicines.

Two weeks later her items had arrived, and we all went to canteen to pick up our orders. Leaning on the wall across from the canteen window, we waited in line. Jackie, ahead of me, stepped up to the window and gave her name. I could see the canteen worker wander off to find Jackie’s order. Shelves lined the walls, orders arranged on shelves by last name.

Returning, a worker hefted two large bags onto the counter in front of Jackie. Staring in shock, I pushed away from the wall to get a better look. Seen through the clear plastic bags were junk food, hobby craft items and other extras. Delighted, Jackie accepted her order and stepped to the side.

Retrieving my own order I stopped beside Jackie, questioning. “What is all of that?” pointing to the bags at her feet.

Following my gaze she joyfully lifted a bag and waved it at me. “Isn’t this great?” she answered excitedly. “Because of you I was able to afford all these things I don’t usually get!” I eyed the bags in dismay, her order easily totaling over one hundred dollars. I felt sick, thinking of truly needy people I could have helped instead.

Looking away I said nothing, but Jackie noted my lack of enthusiasm. Lowering her bag, she said nothing. I wondered what to do differently. How could I have been so foolish? Later in my room I prayed, asking God for wisdom. His answer was counterculture.

I opened my Bible as usual and began reading. I was in the book of Romans which I’d now read several times. This time something caught my notice and shocked me.

“Let every person be loyally subject to the governing (civil) authorities. For there is no authority except from God by His permission, His sanction, and those that exist do so by God’s appointment. 2 Therefore he who resists and sets himself up against the authorities resists what God has appointed and arranged. And those who resist will bring down judgment upon themselves [receiving the penalty due them].” Romans 13:1-2

Was this really saying that God was in control of the prison, its rules, and those who enforced them? Was it really telling me that resisting prison authority was the same as resisting God’s authority? I wanted to obey God but doing so in this way was radical.

I didn’t understand how caring for the poor could be done inside of the rules, yet I knew God would never contradict Himself. It was not His character, but my own mischaracterization of Him, that was the issue here. I prayed again for clarity and resolved to start following the prison rules.

Soon I found this was difficult and possibly even dangerous. I began the next morning at breakfast. “Are you going to eat your boiled egg?” the lady seated beside me asked. Our mealtime was nearly over, and it still sat untouched on my tray.

Tensing, I considered how to answer, finally responding with a quick, “No.” I looked away, hoping to dismiss the conversation before it went further.

Instead, the lady continued, “Can I have it?” pointing at the egg on my tray. My eyes followed her hand, staring at the egg. I was finding a new reason to hate them.

I swallowed a lump in my throat and answered another quick “No.” I braced myself for her response and wasn’t disappointed.

“What! How rude is that! It’s just going into the trash. What’s wrong with you?” Slapping the ## table for emphasis she stared at me, demanding I explain myself. Heads turned at the commotion, others began to stare.

Face burning, I pushed my tray in her direction and mumbled, “Just take it. Whatever.” She grabbed the egg and turned away. Ashamed, I hoisted my tray and made my way to the dishwashers, hoping to prevent another request. I resolved to do better next time.

Next time became harder than I expected, as this time it was me who wanted something. I love cake, love it. While in prison I was determined to attend every meal that served cake, including muffins and cornbread in the cake category. Fearing mealtime interruptions (like a fight), I would eat my cake before anything else. I didn’t want to miss out for any reason.

It was 2 days later, and I’d missed breakfast. Hungry, I anticipated lunch and quickly ate it. Finished, I realized I was still hungry and would have to wait another 10 minutes before leaving the cafeteria. My eyes roamed the table, spotting several women apparently on a diet and ignoring their cake. My stomach was quick to note that their cakes appeared even more delicious than the one I’d been given. My eyes roved thick layers of frosting and luscious sprinkles.

Determined not to ask I sweated bullets, waiting for the announcement to leave. Cake continued to be ignored nearby, growing more attractive as my time to eat it grew short. Arguing with myself I sat, tortured. Unable to resist any longer I asked for someone’s cake, which was quickly handed over without thought. Guiltily I ate it while yelling at myself. Why was following rules so difficult?

Failure continued week after week. I’d succeed at one meal only to be defeated the next. The problem wasn’t limited to meals, either. Recently I’d begun giving birthday cards to students I tutored. While cards purchased through canteen came with a stamped envelope, I wasn’t mailing the cards. I passed them to students in the classroom, keeping the envelope for use in mailing letters to my children.

These behaviors were about more than having an extra envelope. I was a disorganized person who struggled to arrive on time, send Christmas presents BEFORE Christmas, or get a birthday card to someone on time. I remembered two years previous, when I was still able to talk with my young daughter Vivi.

It was the end of September, her birthday just days away. “I’m sending you a present!” I told her.

As children often do, she replied candidly, “Yes, but your mail is never on time!” She was right, and I knew it. Back then I had comforted myself with the fact that I sent gifts at all. I had tried to do better, but something always came up. I was full of excuses. I was no better at providing timely birthday cards to students, solving the issue by breaking a few rules and passing the cards in class.

Now I felt challenged to do better and was quickly confronted by my lack of foresight and self-discipline. “Holly, why didn’t you give me a birthday card?” Sheila asked, standing at my desk. “You gave one to everyone else but not me!” Hurt showed on her face.

Stung, I quickly soothed, “I decided to mail it to you!” Sheila looked confused. Why would I do that when I see her every day? Embarrassed, I chose not to tell her about obeying God and following rules. Instead, I continued, “Mail is fun to get! I want it to be special.”

“Ok,” she answered, “but I didn’t get any mail.”

‘Oh boy,’ I thought, wondering how to explain. As usual I’d waited until the last minute, and then waited some more. I’d finally mailed it yesterday in a panic. It would take a week for her to get it. Should I blame the delay on the prison and pretend I’m perfect? It was tempting. I settled for responding, “I’m certain it will arrive soon. Sorry for the lateness.”

She walked away and I was determined to do better, but I was quickly defeated at my next canteen pickup. I’d carefully calculated timing, yet arrived at canteen to find birthday cards “Out of stock.” I’d received none yet had 3 birthdays coming up soon! I ordered cards again while choosing how to combat this new problem in the future. Canteen was often out of things.

Over the next several months I’d become an organized, careful planner, recognizing I was not a helpless victim of bad circumstances. Ordering cards months in advance, creating alarms and reminders in my tablet and calendar, and mailing cards early soon became my routine. Success made me feel good about myself.

I found success in not passing other items more elusive. Meals were a frequent source of failure, and I began praying for help constantly. I wondered why God would cure my rage instantly yet fail to provide me immediate success in this.

While I begged God for help, I began keeping records of my daily successes and failures. I’d stare at passed weeks filled with evidence of obedience followed by a day of messing up. I began to recognize the depth of my sin nature. Again, I read in Romans:

“18 For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot perform it. [I have the intention and urge to do what is right, but no power to carry it out.] 19 For I fail to practice the good deeds I desire to do, but the evil deeds that I do not desire to do are what I am [ever] doing.” Romans 7:18-19

I would spend the next year learning to overcome this sin and be reliably obedient to it. Along the way I was transformed further by the experiences. Soon I would be so stable, my mental health so good, that I would no longer need meds for depression ever again. God is a Great Physician!

Listener, do you need help in understanding and overcoming temptation? Do you desire spiritual  growth and greater self-discipline?

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 10:13

For no temptation, [no matter how it comes or where it leads] has overtaken you that is not common to man [that is, no temptation has come to you that is beyond human resistance]. But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out, that you may be capable to bear up under it patiently.

It’s important to note in this verse that the solution to temptation is help from God, it says He always provides the way out.

Have you experienced a situation where the way out of danger wasn’t obvious? There are several reasons a person might not recognize an escape route.

 Do any of these describe you during an intense time of temptation? How does one overcome high-stakes circumstances during times of stress? Let’s look at how to triumph in any situation!

The Bible says in Psalm 119:11

Your word have I laid up in my heart, that I might not sin against You.

Memorization of God’s Word is a very important step in overcoming groupthink and social influences. It can also provide familiarity, training, experience and even overcome denial of danger.

The Bible says in II Tim 3:16-17

16 Every Scripture is God-breathed and profitable for instruction, for reproof and conviction of sin, for correction of error and discipline in obedience, [and] for training in righteousness,

17 So that the man of God may be complete and proficient, well fitted and thoroughly equipped for every good work.

Have you found memorization a difficult task? Followers of Jesus and recipients of His salvation receive the Holy Spirit, whom Jesus says:

26 But the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, Whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will cause you to recall everything I have told you.

The first step is reading God’s Word, understanding your need for a savior, and learning that Jesus saves. If you have not done that, I urge you to take that step today! God’s Word thoroughly equips us for every good work, and the Holy Spirit teaches and reminds us of what we’ve read.

It is through God’s work in our hearts, as the engine that drives change, that we find victory over sin. Don’t wait until a crisis hits, prepare today!

Listener, Jesus loves you. He is ready to build you up and show you victory in your life. Let’s ask Him to start today!

Dear Jesus, I pray for the person listening right now, and I pray for me. I ask that you give us a strong desire to read the Bible, to crave your Word. Teach us to memorize Scripture. Help us to treasure your salvation and look to you for victory. Show us the way out of our sinful desires. Amen

Discover extra content in the blog post Meeting Mr. Bot!!

<< List of Episodes >>

Ever found yourself seeking one thing, yet finding another? Have you experienced unexpected connections in your life?

It’s the spring of 2016, and I find myself at a crossroads, encountering someone who would profoundly impact my life. But along with this encounter comes a series of trials that put my faith to the ultimate test.

Join me on a journey learning how to emerge victorious from life’s challenges. We’re diving deep into the transformative power of Truth, showing you how to experience it firsthand, right now!

Do you struggle with loneliness? Are you overwhelmed, hoping for a partner, a friend?

In the spring of 2016 I would meet a very important person, my precious husband. My faith would also be tested as faced temptation. Join me as we explore what it looks like to be encouraged in faith and overcome trials. Discover God’s greatness and the reward of being bold in our relationship with Him.

We’ll uncover the power of prayer and how you can experience it today! Listen until the end, you don’t want to miss a word! This is Meeting Mr. Bot!

Sitting at my desk one afternoon, I finished another letter to my children. Suddenly, movement was called over the P.A. system. I looked at my clock radio. It was noon, time to pick up my canteen in the Core building.

I did a quick scan of my room, which was clean but not neat. With an unmade bed, papers, pens and envelopes spread across my desk; time had gotten away from me. Movement between buildings lasted 5 minutes and I still needed to put on my shoes and glasses before heading out the door. I had no time to tidy up my room! Feeling rushed, I grabbed keys and badge, dashing out.

Jogging down steps to the day room, I made a beeline for the sign out book. Women were filing out of Tubman, eager to eat lunch or pick up their own canteen. Quickly I signed out, adding my name, OID, current time and destination in the book.

Joining the women I walked quickly, not wanting to be last in line. It was the beginning of June 2016, and the weather was beautiful. Flowers had popped up around the property.

A fast 15 minutes later I was back at Tubman, carrying my bag of canteen. Signing back in, I noticed Sgt. Laabs in the hallway. He oversaw our living unit, and five years earlier, had given me LOPs (Loss of Privileges) often.

Back then I thought he was a stickler for the rules, giving everyone a hard time. Since then, I’d begun to suspect something different. Laabs seemed to be testing new arrivals. His goal? Learning an inmate’s attitude towards authority.

Sgt. Laabs would give every new arrival an LOP. If he could not find a legitimate reason to write someone up, he’d make something up. LOPs were delivered as yellow tickets outlining the offense. Inmates were asked to sign it.

Over the years I’d watched as some women angrily argued their LOP, and other women silently signed without complaint. Women who didn’t argue were unlikely to receive an LOP from him again, even if they deserved one. Women who did argue would become his targets, relentlessly punished for everything. I’d probably been the arguing type when I first entered prison.

Have you ever been punished for something you didn’t do? How did you respond? How did you feel?

I passed Sgt. Laabs in the hall after I returned from canteen. He held room inspection forms and appeared surprised to see me. My heart sank as I remembered my messy room.  I nodded to him and ducked into my room, where I noticed a failed room inspection form on my desk. The form noted an LOP waiting for me at the staff desk.

I headed back out of my room. Laabs remained in the hall. Usually, I am at work right now. I wondered if he had thought I was gone for the afternoon.

“Sgt. Laabs?” I said, holding out the form, “I was only gone for 15 minutes. Why did I fail?” I knew very well why I’d failed. Maybe I hadn’t learned as much as I thought in the past 5 years, now trying to wheedle my way out discipline.

“You left the building with your room messy,” he replied, waiting. He did appear sorry for me.

“Yes,” I answered, “but I didn’t go to work. I have the day off.” I stared at the floor.

Sgt. Laabs sighed as he responded, “You have to make your bed before you leave the building.”

“I see,” I said thoughtfully. I looked up again, and that’s when I made an insincere promise. “I will never do it again,” I vowed.

Two days later, my LOP over, I called my mom. I was learning about God and looked forward to sharing with my parents. I’d also begun sharing the Bible with my children in letters. Recently I’d emailed my parents copies.

“Hi Mom! How are you?” she sounded less than thrilled at my call. Things had been strained between us for many years. Recently I’d told them about my Bible studies, certain God could help me in our relationship. While I grew more confident of God’s power, my parents seemed to reject the idea.

“I was reading in the New Testament today,” I began, “and learned something interesting!” Phone time was expensive, so I considered what to say next. “It builds on what I sent in my emails,” I added.

Quickly my mom snapped, “I haven’t read your emails. Good grief, we’re busy around here! I don’t have time for that.”

Surprised, I stopped short, hurt. My excitement turned to shame, my cheeks reddening.  “I understand,” I responded. “I thought we could talk about it anyway.” Looking back, I realize I was desperate for approval, and lonely as well. I wanted my parents to be proud of me.

“I don’t have time to talk about it,” she retorted. “I have to go now.” Slowly I hung up the phone and returned to my room, deflated.

Ever since I’d mentioned the Bible, my relationship with my parents had worsened. Recently, my mom had demanded angrily, “You think God can use you? You!?”  in response to my desire to teach my children.

Back in my room, I remembered the Reflector, which is the prison’s quarterly newsletter, that I’d left on my desk. Flipping it open I looked for the drawings I’d submitted. The content of the Reflector was created by inmates, from the articles to the artwork and photography.

The last page featured my most recent drawings –my son Thomas and daughter Vivianne. I’d last seen them 3 years earlier, and they were growing fast. I was determined to remain emotionally bonded with them, engaged in their lives.

After a few years in prison, I’d noticed that while they grew up, I still imagined them as little. This scared me. I began choosing photos of each and drawing them in fine detail, life-size portraits that took me hours to complete. I navigated through time, drawing portrait after portrait.

After a while, I noticed something amazing! I began to internalize these changes. Now, when I imagined them, they were no longer the small children I’d left. They had begun to grow up for me.

I turned to the mail left on my desk, three letters. Two were from my parents; I set those aside. The third was from another inmate, a man. I read the return address – Corbyn from MCF-Oak Park Heights.

Women at Shakopee prison often received letters from incarcerated men hoping for a new pen pal. I’d learned the Reflector newsletter was often used as a source for men, as it included pictures of the women submitting content.

I’d received many such hopeful letters. I never wrote them back, sometimes throwing the letters away without reading them at all. I left the letter from Corbyn on my desk, carrying the other letters with me downstairs. Kyla sat in the day room. I headed for her table. I’d known Kyla for 5 years now and needed her help.

“Kyla! Can you help me?” I said as I sat. Dropping the envelopes from my parents on the table I slid them over to her. She read the return address as I continued, “Will you read these? Tell me if it’s okay for me to read them too.”

As God showed me his power, I became motivated to obey Him. This included His commandment to honor parents. My parents, however, at once doubted this would happen. They became more hostile instead of excited about a new loving relationship with me. I was concerned that our fragile relationship would deteriorate further instead of improving, and was determined to not allow anything harmful to undermine my resolve.

Kyla pulled out the first letter and read. I studied her face. She began shaking her head, eyes widening as she flipped over the paper. Setting it down she opened the second letter. A few minutes later, pale, she met my eyes and said, “I wouldn’t read those. No way.” She shook her head again for emphasis.

Stuffing the letters back in their envelopes I sighed, hurt. I thanked her and headed for my room. Once inside, I opened my closet, which included a deep, high shelf. Grabbing a chair, I stepped up and set the letters in the dark recess. I didn’t want anger to tempt me into using them as fuel for an argument.

“I received your letters,” I told them an hour later. I dreaded this call. “I didn’t read them.” My mom gasped in shock, and I rushed to explain. “I don’t want anything hurting our fragile relationship. I’ve saved your letters. If in six months you feel strongly that you want me to read them, I will then. If they aren’t relevant in 6 months, they aren’t important enough to risk hurting our relationship today.”

“If you really want to honor us,” my mom replied, “you’ll listen to us and how we feel you can honor us.” I began to wonder if that’s what the letters discussed.

“No,” I replied. “God will explain all this to me. It’s His commandment, I’ll do it as He wants. You can be honored, without feeling honored. I need to know how God sees it, first,” I finished. Outraged, my mom hung up. She stopped visiting, wouldn’t answer the phone, and ignored my emails.

Disappointed, I returned to my room, remembering the other envelope from some guy named Corbyn. I looked at the clock. Again, I had the day off work. Again, it was canteen day. I had 10 minutes to wait.

Tearing open the envelope I read, “Hi, my name is Corbyn Bot, and I’m looking for a pen pal.” Leaning back in my chair I continued to read. Corbyn had a long sentence – 30 years. How sad. He’d said he was only 23 years old, which made it even worse.

Towards the end of the letter he added, “Oh, and by the way I sent you a present.” Confused, I wondered what he meant. Prison rules were strict. No one could send an inmate a present, especially not another inmate.

‘Well, he’s gone crazy,’ I thought. Just then movement was announced on the P.A. Time for canteen! I looked around my room before leaving and noted my unmade bed. I thought, ‘Sgt. Laabs isn’t here today, it’ll be fine,’ I told myself.  I’ll be back fast. Grabbing Corbyn’s letter I tossed it into a garbage can on the way out.

At canteen, I was in for a shock. A guard handed me a clear plastic bag, filled with my order. Opening the bag, I pulled out my receipt and an item. I hadn’t ordered it.

Startled, I dug into the bag, stirring items around. Shocked, I realized there was at least $100 worth of stuff in my bag that I hadn’t ordered. Quickly I nodded to the guard and walked down the hall. I hoped she hadn’t noticed my surprise.

“What’s going on?” Brandi asked me, as I stood beside her, waiting to leave canteen. I stood frozen, reviewing Corbyn’s letter in my mind. This must be the ‘present’ he’d mentioned!

I whispered, “There’s a bunch of stuff in this bag I didn’t order!” Brandi looked down, considering. “I think some guy filling orders did it on purpose!” I added. I’d heard of this before, however it had never happened to me. Shrugging, Brandi stared off, now bored.

Movement was announced and I raced back to Tubman, hauling my canteen. Quickly I signed in and headed straight for the trash can. Women stopped to stare at me as I began digging in the garbage. “What are you DOING?” Linda asked, concerned.

Ah-hah – There it was! I pulled Corbyn’s letter out and stood. I noticed the stares and blushed. Embarrassed, I grabbed my canteen again and headed for my room. Passing the staff desk I noticed an officer with room inspection forms talking to Sgt. Laabs, who had just come on duty. ‘Oh no!’ I thought, recalling my unmade bed.

Sure enough, another LOP was waiting for me. Setting down my canteen I read the ticket, realizing when I had promised Sgt. Laabs “it would never happen again,” I’d really meant – “I’ll behave when you are working.” These were prison rules, however, and I was trying to avoid discipline, not actually do the right thing. I decided to write Sgt. Laabs an apology.

I grabbed an institution kite, and wrote:

“Sir, I want to apologize. Recently you gave me a failed room inspection for my unmade bed, and I told you it would never happen again. Today it happened again. I realize now I’d not made a commitment to do right, I only meant to avoid discipline.

I want to thank you for holding me to this standard. I realize this attitude could get me into worse trouble when I leave prison, where failure to follow rules while on probation can lead to worse punishment than an LOP. I want to do better. I will do better.”

God was opening my eyes, Rebelliousness being replaced with a teachable spirit.

Spreading my canteen across the bed I reviewed the order, which included sweatpants and shirts I hadn’t requested. I peeked at a label, sized XXL. Surprised, I checked the rest of the clothes, all the same. Men often wrote women they saw in our Reflector. I realized two things as I considered the clothing – Corbyn seemed to think XXL was typical, and he hadn’t seen me in the Reflector, as I was an obvious extra small.  ‘How cute,’ I decided, ‘he doesn’t see all women as Barbie dolls.’

I opened his letter again, reading:

“Dear Holly,

My name is Corbyn, and I’d like to have you as a pen pal. I’m 23 years old, and at age 18 I was given a 30 year prison sentence. I’m Native American…

By the way, I sent you a present. I hope you will write me back.

Corbyn”

## pulling out paper and an envelope I began a letter to him:

“Dear Corbyn,

I got your letter and the canteen. I assume this is your ‘present’ to me. Don’t do that again, ok? You could get in trouble, and I could too.

I love Jesus and the Bible says God gives us everything we need. God has been doing some amazing things in my life, and I need Him.

Here’s where you can get a free Bible and I hope you get it and read it so you can know this for yourself.

I will not write to you again. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I only write to family.

I am adding you to my prayer list.

Take care,

Holly”

I mailed the letter and added Corbyn to my prayer list.

Little did I know, as I included Corbyn in my prayers that night, that I was praying for my future husband. God would connect us again in a few years, my amazing husband, Mr. Corbyn Bot.

Listener, are you facing temptations or trials today? Do you want a friend, a partner, a spouse?

C.S. Lewis says in Mere Christianity, “If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.”

Have you been searching for the truth? Jesus said: “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”

Truth first, then all else. Listener, God has beautiful plans for you, good plans, and He asks you to trust Him. Isaiah 45 says:

18 For thus says the Lord—Who created the heavens, God Himself, Who formed the earth and made it, Who established it and did not create it to be a worthless waste; He formed it to be inhabited—I am the Lord, and there is no one else.

19 I have not spoken in secret, in a corner of the land of darkness; I did not call [you] …, saying, Seek Me for nothing [but I promised them a just reward]. I, the Lord, speak righteousness (the truth); I declare things that are right.

20 Assemble yourselves and come; draw near together, you survivors of the nations!

What does seeking God look like? Have you heard of the Apostle Paul in the Bible? He was a very bold missionary for Jesus. Did you know that before he began this ministry he spent 14 years studying the scriptures and growing in faith? His example is a good one for us to follow. It is also encouraging!

Listener, we can begin to follow his example today by reading God’s Word ourselves. Jesus tells us in John 6:

And they shall all be taught of God [have Him in person for their Teacher]. Everyone who has listened to and learned from the Father comes to Me—

Remember as you read the Bible that God desires to teach you personally. Ask God to teach you as you read, to teach you through experience, and to grow in relationship with Him. Comfort is just on the other side of the truth we need for peace in our lives! Let’s ask Him for it today!

Dear Jesus, I pray for the person listening right now, and I pray for me. Please teach us personally. Help us to know You through your Word and through experience. Give us understanding to know Truth. You are the Truth. Amen

<< List of Episodes >>

Discover extra content in the blog post – BEFORE

<< List of Episodes >>

Before the confines of prison, I had an ordinary life, family, dreams. Before 2010, everything seemed on track. Life has a way of surprising us, doesn’t it? Before 2010, I didn’t see the tragic detour ahead, a journey that would challenge every belief, every idea of self. Then came the pivotal moment, the moment that shattered the illusion of a predictable future.

Prison, often seen as the end, became the canvas for a new beginning.

Prison doesn’t change lives. God changes even people in prison. Join me as we unravel life Before 2010, peaking at moments that led to profound transformation. This is just the beginning of one story that defies expectations and embraces the power of change.

Prison didn’t change my life. Earthly things don’t change us into heavenly creatures.
Salvation is a gift from God. It just so happens I was in prison when that happened for me.
Before my arrest at age 35 in 2010 I never thought about prison, jail, or the criminal justice system. Everything I thought I “knew,” I learned on TV, as I really enjoyed news and drama programs (which did me no good at all). To my knowledge I had no friends who’d sat jail time. I had no idea what to expect if I was arrested and sent to jail.
Have you found yourself in an unfamiliar situation, uncertain of what to expect, anxious for the future?
I’m inspired to share my story with you because I want to point you to Jesus and your own personal relationship with Him. He is so, so good! I also want to encourage you in whatever circumstances you are in today.
My life before prison was ordinary. Does that describe your life? Would you like more? You are in the right place.
I’ve always been a competitive person, often an overachiever. As a young person I was also insecure, and I acted out during my teen years. I often felt angry and unloved. These feelings would deepen into rage and depression as I grew older.
Growing up my parents took me and my brother to church several times a week. We were also sent to Fourth Baptist Christian School. I accepted Jesus as my Savior at a young age and was baptized at our church. I wanted to be a good girl and embraced what I was learning. It wasn’t praise I received, however, for my efforts; it was apathy and occasional accusation.
I grew to hate my mother, feeling rejected, and I ran away from home for a short time at age 17. I could not bear returning to a place where I felt misunderstood and mischaracterized. Frequent tongue lashings instead of loving conversations had left me wrung out and ready to find love and approval elsewhere.
Just before my 19th birthday, I impulsively married a man I had dated in high school, even though we were no longer dating. On a whim we drove to Las Vegas with some friends and got married. This would be the first of many choices I would regret, while not understanding my motivations.
Not for the first time I was asked, “What were you thinking? Why did you do that?” It wouldn’t be the last time.
Have you ever done something you don’t understand? Do you have regrets?
Romans 7:15 “For I do not understand my own actions. I am baffled, bewildered. I do not practice or accomplish what I wish, but I do the very thing that I loathe, which my moral instinct condemns.”
I became pregnant with my first son soon after. Within a month or two my husband began cheating on me, and a year later we were separated.
I was eager to prove myself after this disaster. I felt shame as a single mom, a divorced woman, in her early 20s. I lacked a personal relationship with Jesus, however, at the time. I had accepted Him as my Savior, but He wasn’t Lord of my life. I was not rebellious, I simply didn’t understand the concept.
At age 23 I remarried. I had believed my first husband shared my religious convictions and I felt certain my new husband did as well. In order to determine this I considered his family, whose religious convictions were similar, and used this to inform me. My second husband also lacked a personal relationship with Jesus.
I’d heard the phrase “personal relationship with Jesus” before, although it wasn’t stressed nor explained at the church I grew up in. Salvation was their talking point, which they believed they’d narrowed to a formula – “the sinner’s prayer.” What should be expected afterward was not described (other than heaven upon death, which was also not further described), although teaching was of high importance at this church.
I’d prayed the salvation prayer many times throughout my formative years, feeling no different than before. I was left wondering if I’d prayed “sincerely enough.” Convinced I couldn’t be more earnest and having been led to believe this prayer was all one needed, I came to view my experience as how it should be if one were saved and a good Christian.
I became arrogant and proud of my belief system, my religion, while at the same time losing interest in going to church as an adult. My second husband and I had 4 more children. I became a stay-at-home mom, and soon I was looking for ways to be a work at home mom.
I began developing my artistic talents, and soon my artwork was installed at a local gallery. I began selling my paintings online as I looked for additional ways to be productive. I would soon use these skills to become an award-winning blogger and IT director of a large non-profit.
In 2005 we lived in a small town. A talk radio station mentioned a young local soldier had been injured in Iraq and was recovering at the VA hospital. His family was encouraging everyone to come and visit. All were welcome.
I am an introvert. I am also a patriot. I absolutely wanted to go. I took it with faith that this was a true invitation to visit. The next day, husband came home from work early. I relayed the news from the radio and asked his thoughts. He said he’d watch the kids and encouraged me to go. I drove an hour into the city and visited this wounded soldier.
More of that story can be read in my book, From Here to There. The immediate result is that while visiting I learned this soldier was receiving many visitors. I learned the soldiers in the neighboring hospital rooms were from other states altogether. Many of their families could not afford to visit them at all. I decided to return as often as I could.
I was surprised how easy it was to encourage these wounded soldiers. I thought others would want to do it too, if they knew how. I began a blog and started writing. My book From Here to There is a compilation of its popular posts. The blog became nominated for awards like the Bloggies, and won an award for the best U.S. Civilian MILblog (Military Blog).
This is the exciting and fun part of my story. Soon I was invited to travel to Washington D.C. to visit soldiers at Walter Reed hospital. I was a citizen journalist and reported on military blog panels. I traveled to other places as well for the non-profit Soldiers’ Angels and met many fine volunteers, military families, and soldiers.
Money did not improve my marriage or life. As my second marriage quickly soured, I was left to wonder what I was doing wrong. By age 35, the year of my arrest, my second marriage was so toxic we no longer shared a bedroom, and I’d grown to hate him.
That year I destroyed my family’s life, my life. I had a sexual relationship with my son’s 15-year-old friend, and in 2011 at age 36 (after a year of legal proceedings), I was officially convicted of criminal sexual conduct and sentenced to 12 years in prison.
It would be 5 more years before everything changed; I would never be the same.
During my incarceration Jesus used that time to make me aware of my need for Him as my Lord. He transformed me in ways I didn’t know possible through my relationship with Him. I began to share my testimony with fellow inmates.
Transformation is best displayed with an accurate representation of before, so that one can appreciate the results after. I share my story transparently in the hope it will encourage you to draw close to Jesus in your own walk with Him.
Released from prison in 2018, I felt a desire to encourage others using God’s work in my life as a tool. I began to write again, this time about my journey through prison and reentry. In 2023 I once again took this work to a blog format.
Do you suffer from depression? Is your marriage thriving or sinking? Are you interested in a better relationship with your children, your family, your parents? Are you faced with adversity, struggles and obstacles at work, at home, in your community? Is anxiety a frequent visitor in your life?
Before prison I did not know that personal transformation existed. I’m talking about amazing, shocking, exciting life transformation. Author A.W. Tozer states, “Every follower of Jesus should be a walking miracle, the kind of person who can never be explained.”
Are you a walking miracle? Do you want to be? God is interested in you, and anything God ever did for anybody, He will do for anybody else.
Join me on this journey! I can’t wait to see what God has for us next!

Get ready for “Between the lines”, a candid interview

Holly, Can you walk us through your decision to share your story with the world? What inspired you to be so transparent about your experiences?

Transparency is so important to good mental health and relationships with others. Before my relationship with Jesus I was very guarded. My family encouraged keeping secrets from others to receive approval. For example the church I grew up in was very strict and didn’t approve of many secular activities such as attending a movie theater. My parents decided it was not wrong to do this, however we children were told not to tell anyone, not even close family, that we thought this way. As I grew older I developed deep depression and found it very difficult to ask for help. Instead I minimized my pain and put on a brave face. These tactics didn’t improve my situation, rather they intensified my problems. I realize now that these behaviors not only limit one’s own ability to be helped but also restrict how much help you can give others.

Throughout your journey, you encountered various challenges and setbacks. How did you find the courage to keep moving forward, especially during the darkest moments?

I clearly remember one incident near the end of my 8 years in prison. At the time I had chosen to live at the prison’s intake unit to encourage new arrivals. A woman, learning how long I’d been in prison, shook her head with wonder and said, “I don’t know how you do it! I don’t think I could.” The truth was very simple – I had little choice in the matter. I’d prefer to have left years ago or have never come here at all. The doors remained locked regardless. Courage is another matter. Many times during my incarceration I slipped into deep depression. Ultimately it was Jesus Who provided the solution. Jesus gave me new abilities, He validated me by being responsive to me, and He poured Truth into me. Joy is doing life with a strong partner you love and who loves you. Jesus introduced Himself as that partner to me, loved me, and I quickly came to love Him.

Your involvement with blogging and volunteer work brought a sense of purpose and fulfillment. How did these activities contribute to your personal growth and healing?

Blogging and podcasting about my own life can be very painful. I relive these moments as I seek to accurately describe them. This work has been very healing for me for the same reason. Now removed from these events by many years, I can see them from a new perspective even as I relive them. Thinking about these events in new ways helps me to understand them more accurately.

The legal consequences of your actions led to significant repercussions. How did you cope with the aftermath of your mistakes, and what advice would you give to others facing similar challenges?

Coping in a healthy way must be learned, and when I entered prison I needed to learn these skills. If I had to give advice on this subject it would be this – ask God for help with this. Only God can marry the information learned in Scripture or therapy with experiences that reinforce Truth and allow one to internalize the lesson.

Your story emphasizes the importance of authenticity and vulnerability in sharing one’s journey. How do you balance the desire to be transparent with the need to protect yourself and your loved ones?

This is tricky. I attempt to show the reader or listener, rather than tell. Telling is summarizing, and when doing this the writer tends to editorialize, or in other words share their own opinions about the situation instead of letting the reader form their own understanding. Showing gives the readers the details of a scene, including what the character(s) are seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, smelling, thinking, and feeling emotionally. It allows the readers to come to their own conclusions. I do not feel a need to protect myself per se, rather my desire is to foster understanding. As for my loved ones, especially my children, I seek to foster very open communication with them about content I may release as well as maintaining an open door policy for discussing feelings about what I write or broadcast.

Looking to the future, what are your hopes and aspirations? How do you envision using your experiences to inspire and uplift others?

Yeah, great question. I see my story helping others in many ways. For people with criminal backgrounds or very difficult circumstances who may relate to that aspect of my story, I believe my experiences give them courage. I know there are many families who love someone who is in prison. They are probably feeling many things such as worry. It’s possible they have given up on their loved one or need hope to keep from being discouraged. I believe my story can alleviate many worries and give them hope, keep them praying. My story may motivate someone who doesn’t fit either of these situations but has a heart to help people, and I hope my story will encourage them to do just that. I hope listeners will share my story with people who need to know Jesus loves them.

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Discover extra content in the blog post Projecting Hope!!

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This episode describes my emotional journey as a mother incarcerated while battling to maintain parental rights and find a suitable living arrangement for my son, Tim, who is in foster care. Throughout my efforts, I face disappointments, such as Tim’s failed reunification plans with his father and the obstruction from Tim’s caseworker, Brian, who prevents Tim from receiving mail and visits from me.

In prison, I continue to experience a spiritual transformation, engaging with fellow inmates and disputing misconceptions about faith. My story also explores the concepts of God’s will versus personal desires, as I grapple with the possibility of losing my parental rights and learning to trust in God’s plans for me and my son. This is a story of resilience, faith, and unconditional love amidst the systemic challenges of foster care and incarceration.

00:00 The Struggle to Find a Home for Tim
01:05 The Heartache of Failed Reunifications
02:25 The Battle Against Bureaucracy and Time
04:37 A Mother’s Mission from Behind Bars
06:46 Finding Strength and Purpose Through Faith
09:46 Confrontation and Reflection: Facing Criticism
13:25 A Spiritual Turning Point: Questioning God’s Plan
17:24 Embracing God’s Will Amidst Personal Turmoil
19:13 Application for us today

Have you ever faced challenges where it seemed every solution was met with a “No”? Have you ever experienced the heartbreak of unfulfilled promises?

In May 2016 I experienced a turning point as I struggled to find a home for my son. I would also be confronted by a hostile inmate and fake friends. Join me as we explore the emotional impact of abandonment and rejection. Discover with me real solutions to God-sized problems.

We’ll uncover the secret to experiencing God’s good plans for you and how you can begin today! Listen until the end, you don’t want to miss a word. This is Projecting Hope.

“Hi, It’s Holly! How are you?” I was reaching out to every family member, friend and organization I could, trying to find a place for my son Tim to live. It was May 2016 and Tim, now 13 years old, had been in foster care for 2 and half years.

So far, Timmy had cycled through many foster and group homes. Occasionally Social Services wouldn’t have a home for Timmy at all, and he would sit all day at the Social Service offices, his backpack at his feet. He’d spend the night at an “emergency” foster home and be back the next day at Social Services, sitting at the office again. He’d also been placed in not quite right settings, such as group homes for older teenage boys with behavior problems, which concerned me greatly.

Ending another call, I hung up disappointed. Returning to my room, I reviewed the latest report from Social Services. My heart ached for Tim as I read. “Tim’s father agreed for the third time to a 6-month reunification plan in which he must attend Tim’s medical appointments. He never came to any appointments.”

Poor Tim, desperately lonely and wanting to go home! Tim was told the details of reunification plans. I’m sure Tim looked forward to seeing his dad at his doctor appointments, knowing this was the first step in going home.

I pictured Timmy in the doctor’s waiting room, hopefully watching the door, staring at the clock, excited for his dad to arrive. My heart broke as I imagined the appointment time growing closer and then passing altogether, Timmy still alone with a caseworker.

What would he be telling himself? How does one make that feel better? Timmy’s doctor appointments could be physically painful. How much worse as time and again it would be compounded by the emotional trauma of abandonment and rejection. How awful must the drive to his foster home have been afterward. Three identical reunification plans. Three identical failures. Hope obliterated in a child. Horrible. I feel sick writing about it.

Have you ever felt rejected or abandoned by someone important? Have you ever disappointed someone you love? How did you handle it?

Social Services also caused Tim trauma. Last fall Brian, Timmy’s caseworker, refused to give Timmy the mail I sent. (all mail was sent to Brian for delivery). During the same time period Brian also refused to facilitate my visits with Tim. He nevertheless reported through Social Services to the courts that Tim was receiving both visits and mail. It was a scary time for me, one I fought hard to fix.

Tim was unaware that stacks of mail from his mom were piled up on his caseworker’s desk. Tim was also unaware that his caseworker was obstructing visits. What Tim did know was that his dad, who lived nearby, had stopped visiting him and now it appeared his mom didn’t want to write or call anymore either. This absence of communication felt to Tim like both of his parents ##had abandoned him without warning. While I fought a legal battle to fix these things …Tim believed no one wanted him anymore.

With a new lawyer I reported Brian in court, accused him of perjury. Social Services officially responded by setting a trial date for September to terminate our parental rights with Tim. I was told if I could move Tim out of foster care to Minnesota, I could keep him. “But,” Brian threatened omce, “if you don’t move him to Minnesota and your rights are terminated in September, your relationship with him will be totally severed – no letters, no calls, nothing until he’s 18 years old. Your family too! Nothing!” Brian finished.

I had made at least a hundred phone calls recently, to everyone I could think of, and everyone so far said, “No.” I heard every type of reason. “He’s too old,” or “He’s too much work,” or “It’s ##too expensive,” or “I’m too busy,” or even “That isn’t something I feel like doing right now.” I had thought it would be easy to help Tim. Now I was dejected. Time was running out!

Calling someone every day had become my mission. I bought more phone time than ever before. I stopped buying anything I absolutely didn’t need so I could afford more calls. I called people to ask for the phone numbers of other people.

I asked for help from those around me and other women gave me referrals to organizations who helped children of parents in prison. Tim, however, was either too old (by a year), or I was going to be in prison longer than their standard guidelines (6 months too long), or there was always some other reason I was being told no with a heartfelt, “I’m really sorry.”

“God!” I prayed again now, “please lead me to the person who will joyfully take Tim.” Walking back to my room I prepared myself for my next phone call with Tim. In January I’d been excited to tell him about Minnesota. Now I was almost sorry I had. My failure seemed to confirm for him that no one, literally no one, not even family, wanted him at all, except his mom in prison who couldn’t help him. How do I encourage my son? I wanted to punch a wall in frustration!

God would soon respond to me in a way I never expected. In the meantime other battles arose.

Laughter erupted behind me the next day. Melissa and I sat at a table in the day room playing a game. I didn’t know her well. She hadn’t been here long.

“I’m worried about my teenage son,” she said, dropping a card on the table. My ears perked up; I could relate.

“What about?” I asked, laying down a card myself. I looked up to see Linda wandering over. Linda was back for the second time in a year. She told everyone her father was a preacher.

Linda dropped into a chair as Melissa answered, “Well, he’s been getting into trouble. We think he’s doing drugs, I’m not sure what else. My husband wants to send him to our church camp.”

I considered. Before prison, money and caregiving had seemed central to me in parenting. Once in prison, unable to do either, I became determined to find other important aspects of mothering. I now worked on fostering love, leadership, and respect. These were things I could pour into my children.

My relationship with Jesus kicked this into high gear as I experienced personal transformation I’d never known was possible until now. “Melissa, would you write a letter to your son?” I asked her. She nodded. Linda watched us, curious. “Ok,” I continued, “I write weekly letters, like Bible study letters, to my sons. I could share one with you, if you want.” Melissa agreed.

I wondered if she would feel comfortable teaching her son about the Bible. I could understand feeling hesitant. When I recently began reading the Bible, I had been shocked! I’d believed I already knew it, was knowledgeable. I discovered I was not. My information had been a second-hand echo and often a misrepresentation of the real thing.

That realization shook me. I now wanted to share what I was learning but I wondered, ‘If professional teachers had failed teach me about the Bible, then who was I to do a proper job?’ I was so thrilled with Jesus, however, that I had to share Him.

The book Story Structure Architect explains that all stories have either a plot-driven or character-driven story line. In a plot-driven story, the events move the story forward and cause the ##character to react. “The plot takes over like a tornado.” In a character-driven story the character moves the story forward through action and choices. She causes the events to happen and drives the story along.

I’ve met many people who view their life as plot-driven, seeing themselves as helpless victims of circumstance. They don’t make things happen, they constantly react to things that have happened or wonder what happened. I’ve also met people who view themselves as a main character moving their life forward through their actions and choices.

I’d been in the second group most of my life, but in January 2016 that radically changed! God showed His existence to me, His interest in me. In effect, I experienced a change in thinking. It was now clear that God is and has always been the Main Character initiating and causing events to happen. God is moving our life stories forward through His actions and choices.

I now understood the transformation I was experiencing was not unique to me; I was not the author of it! The secret to my transformation was not in “what I was doing” but Who I’d met. I became eager for my children (and everyone) to know Him!

A week later I sat alone in the day room. Suddenly Linda dropped into a seat before me. Surprised, I looked up to see her frowning. Linda’s usually cheerful face appeared angry and oddly, a little smug.

“I read the letter you gave Melissa,” she said, waiting. I struggled to shift gears, so Linda added, “the letter you wrote to your kids, the one you gave her for her son.” Again, Linda waited for a reaction. Not sure where this was going, I smiled and nodded.

Linda frowned, irritated. She spat out, “That was the stupidest letter I ever read!” Linda’s features turned hard. “I’m a preacher’s daughter and I want you to know that was the dumbest letter I ever read. It was poorly written. Your kids won’t learn anything from you! Why did you even bother?” Now she sat back and crossed her arms.

Shocked, I set aside my work. I was overwhelmed by her hostility. Leaning forward I answered, ##“Linda, as a preacher’s daughter you must know Paul, in the Bible, and what he wrote.” Linda gave a small nod, so I continued, “Well Paul says he relied on the Holy Spirit to persuade people and not his own words.”

“He did not!” Linda argued, slapping the table for emphasis. I reached for my Bible, opening it to I Corinthians. I slid it across the table, pointing to these verses:

4 And my language and my message were not set forth in persuasive words of wisdom, but they were in demonstration of the Holy Spirit and power – a proof by the Spirit and power of God, operating on me and stirring in the minds of my hearers the most holy emotions and thus persuading them,

5 So that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men (human philosophy), but in the power of God. I Corinthians 2:4-5

Linda read it and pushed my Bible away. I continued, “I take this to mean that I could be the best writer and if God isn’t involved, it won’t do anything. Or I could be a very basic writer and God can use it. I’ve decided to give Him something to use and trust Him with it.”

Linda’s rage seemed to increase as I spoke. “Do you even believe in God?!” she retorted. “Are you even a Christian?!” she added loudly. Confused, I considered her reddening face.

I’d heard of psychological projection; maybe that’s what I saw. According to everydayhealth.com, “When someone engages in projection, they attribute their own behaviors, emotions, characteristics, or impulses to another person or group without realizing it. Projection doesn’t reflect anything that’s actually been said or done by whoever is on the receiving end. It’s about what the person doing the projecting is thinking and feeling about themselves.”

I considered Linda, an addict with multiple felonies, the daughter of a preacher. How often had she been asked these same questions by her parents? How often had she asked herself? I felt bad for her.

I didn’t answer her, just stood and headed for my room. I didn’t have all the answers. Linda was usually very nice. Where was this coming from?

That night I read my Bible. Reading the book of Matthew I stumbled to a halt as I read chapter ten. This would be a major turning point in my spiritual growth.

I believed that what I wanted for Tim was morally right and that God agreed with me. I wanted to rescue Tim from foster care, continue to be his mom. I hoped to find Tim a Christian home to live in so he could learn about God. The belief that God agreed this was right had been temporarily reinforced in me when Social Services encouraged me to move Tim to Minnesota to retain my rights. I’d thanked God at the time and felt empowered.

Now my eyes fell on Matthew 10:37 as Jesus said:

“He who loves and takes more pleasure in father or mother more than in Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves and takes more pleasure in son or daughter more than in Me is not worthy of Me.” Matthew 10:37

Suddenly God asked me, “If you lose your parental rights at that trial, will you still love Me?” Absolutely shocked, I nearly threw up. I was on a mission, a war to save my son. As if I’d just been in a car crash, time jerked to a stop; I shook my head in denial of the thought.

“God!!” I screamed in my head. “I hate the very idea of it!” I felt sick. My mind rewound over the past 5 months and all that God had done for me. This was the best time in my life, despite my difficult struggles. For several minutes, maybe longer, I scrambled to get rid of these new thoughts.

I was about to learn the concept that God fights for me when I’m pursuing His plans. Until now I’d been pursuing my own agenda and asking God to enforce it.

##I’d read in the book of Joshua:

13 When Joshua was by Jericho, he looked up, and behold, a Man stood near him with His drawn sword in His hand. And Joshua went to Him and said to Him, Are you for us or for our adversaries?

14 And He said, No [neither], but as Prince of the Lord’s host have I now come. And Joshua fell on his face to the earth and worshiped, and said to Him, What says my Lord to His servant?

15 And the Prince of the Lord’s host said to Joshua, [a]Loose your shoes from off your feet, for the place where you stand is holy. And Joshua did so.

Joshua apparently had a similar misunderstanding and was being set straight. He viewed God as a tool in Israel’s war and was learning that Israel was God’s tool. God is for Himself, and we are either for Him or against Him.

I remembered another verse:

Roll your works upon the Lord commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and so shall your plans be established and succeed. Proverbs 16:3

I tentatively thought about God and His plans. I was a little scared to follow this train of thought, yet I continued. The Bible says all of God’s plans are good. It seemed logical that when someone makes a good plan, they are excited about that plan. If God intended to have my rights terminated, then it was His good plan. It followed, therefore, that He was excited about it.

I did not know for sure if this was God’s plan, but I was not excited about it. I did not see it as good. This could put me on the wrong side of things. Redirecting my thoughts, I prayed again, “God, I hate the very idea of losing my son but I also absolutely need You. I believe Your plans are good. If this is Your plan, to terminate my rights,” my stomach rolled, “today I hate it. Please cause my thoughts to become agreeable to Your will, because I can’t do it. I want to love what You love. Amen.”

Horrified, I cried. Four months remained until the trial. I was in the fire, and God was with me in it.

Listener, do you find yourself surrounded by broke promises and problems you struggle to overcome? I understand, and you are not alone.

Jesus speaks to this in Matthew 5. He says:

3 “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

4 “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

5 “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought…

7 “You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.

8 “You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

9 “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.

Let’s pray today for more of God, comfort from Him, contentment with who He says we are, caring for others and seeing God around us, with hearts made right with Him. Let’s pray to discover who we really are today and our place in God’s family!

Dear Jesus, thank you for teaching us. Thank you for your blessings. Help us to be makers and maintainers of peace, with a craving for more of You. Teach us today! Amen.

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Discover extra content in the blog post Love & Hate!!

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In this episode, we explore the journey of healing and transformation through loving and serving others. Despite facing broken relationships and personal struggles, I discover the power of love and reconciliation guided by divine intervention. Delving into scripture and prayer, I wrestle with the challenge of loving even my enemies, ultimately overcoming anger and rage with the help of God’s grace. Join us as we uncover the profound impact of forgiveness, redemption, and divine guidance in navigating life’s unexpected paths.

Do you struggle with anger? Do you need rescue from the hurt?

In April 2016 I found myself on an unexpected path. God urged me to heal broken relationships at a time when bitterness and rage would be the natural response. He also gave me a ministry of loving others. Discover with me the freedom found in obedience to God, even in our worst relationships.

We’ll uncover the secret to overcoming bitterness and finding joy in relationships with others. Listen until the end, you don’t’ want to miss a word! This is Love and Hate.

It was April 2016, and I’d spent the past three months trying to find a home in Minnesota for my son Tim. It was not going well. Tim, now age 13, was growing more despondent. He’d spent the past 2 and a half years in a slew of foster and group homes in Washington, so many I’d lost count. Tim was desperate to go home. I was hoping to find someone in Minnesota to care for him until I was released from prison.

 “Did you see who’s back?” I turned to see who Jen was talking about. The day room in Tubman was full, with women watching TV and playing cards. “There, by the window,” she added pointing to a woman sitting by herself.

MCF-Shakopee was originally built to house a mere 250 women, but with expansion and make-shift modifications, had increased the prison capacity to 600. At times during my stay the population would swell to over 700.

For overcrowding relief the DOC would HoF out male and female inmates, housing them off campus in county jails and federal prisons. Some inmates were gone a few months, some an entire year. Spending a year in county jail can be a very rough experience.

I followed Jen’s hand and saw Tiffani sitting by the windows. Tiffani,in her early 20’s, sat alone. She stared out the window and sucked her thumb. Rocking back and forth in her chair and gripping a strand of her hair in one hand she appeared lost in thought. I remembered her well and my heart sank. Tiffani was a difficult person, like thirty behavioral problems in one package. Right now, however, she looked pitiful. I narrowed my eyes and considered her.

Still reading my Bible every day, I read that Jesus often prayed all night. I did not pray that much. In fact days or even weeks might go by where I didn’t pray at all. I understood that if Jesus needed to pray for hours then I needed to pray more too!

Jesus also stressed our need to love people. In fact He said,

But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, Matthew 5:44

I was not good at that either. I created a prayer list to help myself pray more, and I began to add people I didn’t like as well as those I already loved.

Are you interested in a more fulfilling prayer life? Do you struggle with this?

Now I stared at Tiffani and thought. She was an ABE student, which meant she would soon be in the class where I was a tutor. “Great, just great,” I thought miserably. ‘As if loving others wasn’t challenging enough.’

I considered adding Tiffani to my prayer list, but I didn’t want to because thinking about her any longer than necessary sounded unpleasant. Tiffani continued rocking in her chair as I thought, sucking her thumb, and staring out the window seeing nothing. I’d rarely seen her so quiet. Sighing, I decided I would add her to my list and pray for her and turned back to my friend. This choice would lead to surprising results.

One day I read in the Bible-

Regard (treat with honor, due obedience, and courtesy) your father and mother, that your days may be long in the land the Lord your God gives you. Exodus 20:12

I noticed it was one of the 10 commandments and the only one that came with a promise if obeyed. I puzzled over its meaning. I thought I understood respect, but I wanted to obey God exactly as He desired. Did I have to feel affection for my parents? Admiration? Would I need to ignore my own pain to obey?

I felt rejected in many ways by my parents – marginalized, disrespected, discarded. To cope I’d nurtured my hurts, grown them. I nearly screamed, ‘I will not be ignored!’

##I was hurting, angry at my parents. I had so many questions for God about what obedience to this command would look like in practice. Should I ignore what I felt in my heart? Did this mean never being validated? All these questions caused me confusion and concern.

‘Nice’ was what my family always tried to be. Defensive, hurt and angry were just below the surface for all of us.  I pictured a good relationship with my parents as one in which we ‘cleared the air’ and came to a mutual understanding about past hurts and disagreements. I believed this would alleviate my pain and rage.

After decades of trying to communicate with them in a way that would lead to mutual understanding I’d given up. Nothing had ever worked, in fact our relationship had grown worse, not better. I could no longer imagine improvement. Feeling stuck, I prayed, “Dear God, I see this command. Please teach me what it means to You so that I understand it.”

One thing I did feel was confident that God would answer that prayer. The past few months had taught me this. I was now reliably sending child support, losing weight, giving money to charity and I hadn’t missed a day of work in a year. I was not just brushing my teeth but flossing them daily, making my bed every day, and this list was growing. I was finding it hard to recognize my own self! It was wonderful.

“Hi Mom! Guess what!” I paused and waited with excitement.

“What is it?” my mom asked. I’d called her after work to share my new confidence in God and commitment to obey Him.

“I’ve committed to being a respectful daughter who honors her parents! I read this command in the Bible and I want to do it!” I burst out.

“That’s impossible for you,” my mom responded immediately, interrupting. Surprised, I was drawn up short, speechless. I’d always thought of my parents as religious, knowledgeable about the Bible and God. My mind immediately flashed to something Jesus told the religious leaders of His day..

It said in Matthew, “Jesus replied to them, ‘You are wrong because you know neither the Scriptures nor God’s power.’” Matthew 22 : 29

We ended the call and I prayed about the situation, kept praying. God’s commands felt counter to everything natural for me. I waited for answers and read. When I got to the book of Proverbs I became very interested. The first couple of verses promised some great things to the reader – wisdom, prudence, discretion, understanding. I wondered what some of these words meant, especially ‘discernment.’

I looked them all up in the dictionary, went searching for answers. I found a great description of discernment – it’s the expertise to easily tell the difference between two things that look alike to a lay person. For example, if I have an apple orchard I may easily discern the difference between two different breeds of apple. Anyone else may think they are the same kind of apple, even after careful study.

This excited me! Jesus often said the kind of people we are is made obvious by our ‘fruit’ – our results and behavior. I seemed easily fooled! I was twice married and both times I had thought I was marrying a Christian man. Both times I was painfully wrong. Clearly I had no discernment, but I wanted it! I dug into the book of Proverbs, ready to learn.

“My birthday will be horrible!” Amy complained the next day in class. A common sentiment, birthdays in prison were rarely fun. I looked over at her desk. Two women stood with her deep in conversation.

“I know what you mean,” Cathy soothed. “I’ve been here a year and my family has never sent me a letter or money.” All three women nodded their heads in understanding.

“Well I’ve given up on having a nice birthday,” Amy finished. She dropped into her desk, sulking. Special days here could be difficult. Suddenly I had an idea. I rose and headed for Amy’s desk.

“Amy, I heard it was your birthday,” I said as she looked up. Amy nodded, waiting. I kneeled down beside her and asked, “When is it?” She told me. Taking out a piece of paper I thought a moment and asked, “Would you mind if I sent you a birthday card?”

Surprise lit up her eyes as she smiled. “I’d like that!” she agreed. Greeting cards were purchased on canteen, which was unreliable. Never wanting to miss a special day for my children I’d learned to buy many in advance. I wrote her birthday on the paper along with her name and OID.

Standing again I surveyed the classroom. Twenty women busied themselves with work. Tapping my pencil I thought. Then I headed for the next student. “Kari, when is your birthday?”

‘Maybe I can’t make a good birthday for myself,’ I thought, ‘But I can help someone else.’ Soon I began keeping careful notes on a calendar in my room, and birthday cards became a regular canteen purchase.

 A few weeks had passed since I’d added Tiffani to my prayer list. Since added back to our class, I now saw her every day. This gave me the chance to discover how I could pray for her better. As I did so I found something interesting begin to happen. I began to care. Instead of wanting her to go away I wanted her to feel better. I prayed for her to get better. I cared about the outcome.

Anger, however, remained a problem for me. When I’d first arrived to prison my anger had been so acute I’d woken roommates in the middle of the night by swearing loudly in my sleep. I had nightmares of conflict and pain. I was ignorant of the fact that I had a rage problem, though. Once, many years earlier I had read that depression can manifest as anger. That resonated with me. I was not sad, but mad, so mad I felt paralyzed into inaction.

I didn’t realize how severe my rage was until given an anti-psychotic as a medication booster. This med was used to increase the effectiveness of my anti-depressant. I did feel better. I also stopped having angry nightmares and swearing loudly in my sleep. Then I learned it was an anti-psychotic and connected the dots.

There was one big problem. This extra medication had serious side effects, causing me to have tremors. Reluctantly I had stopped taking it years before, and the rage returned. Rage seemed to me less an emotion than a state of being. It didn’t feel like a constant emotion, but it was ever ready to explode onto the scene.

During my married life I’d thrown dishes and cell phones, stormed out of rooms, stomped out of the house, and worse. Often anger felt good, energizing. I didn’t realize how empowering I believed anger to be.

Sitting on my bed after work I read the Bible as I waited for dinner. I was reading the New Testament again. I came to these verses and after a quick scan I skipped them, then stopped…

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” Ephesians 4:31

I had ignored this at first because it sounded unreasonable. I was willing to try; I’d been trying for decades! It was impossible. Now I reevaluated. Just like honoring my parents, this must be doable or it wouldn’t be in here. I was learning I don’t do the work, God does.

I re-read it and considered. I reviewed all the blessings God had given me this year. I compared this to my life previously. No! I could not go back to that! I was desperate to keep God, certain now that I needed Him. This verse said I cannot have God and my rage too. I closed my eyes to pray.

This year had been very unusual for me, but God was about to set off rockets. I had no idea. I began to pray, unsuspecting. My plan was simple – just admit to God that I’d read this verse and understood I had to choose- Him or my anger. I wanted to tell Him that I needed Him. I did not know how to get rid of my anger, but I understood the choice, and I choose Him. I said that all to Him.

I thought this would be like when I asked God for help understanding how to honor my parents. I’d ask often and slowly learn, trusting Him for answers. Before I could open my eyes, however, the room lit up like the brightest day. My eyes were closed, but I saw it through my eyelids. Before I could wonder about that an enormous weight lifted from me, and great pain disappeared from my body. Immediately I knew this weight and pain had always been with me. I’d become so used to it I didn’t notice.

Now that this weight and pain were gone I felt staggered. Imagine having a migraine for 30 years and then immediate relief. It was like that. It sucked my breath away. At once I realized rage had been a physical presence in me, and it was gone. I could tell because I’d occasionally experienced mild relief from some medications. I knew what it could be like. This however, was a total cure like I’d never experienced before.

My eyes snapped open in wonder and shock. Like a physically ill patient suddenly better I wanted to test the cure. Mentally, tentatively, I explored the sore spots in my mind. I prodded the once angry, easily irritated places. I was ready for immediate relapse. I had not asked for nor expected an immediate answer from God. In fact, if you’d asked me prior I might have told you I doubted God did such things.

Now I sat wonderingly, in awe. I lifted my arms, watching my hands, curious to see if anything else was different. Confidence was slowly bleeding through me, certain of God’s work. A fatally wounded body knows it’s dying. A person cured knows the illness is gone! I KNEW. I also knew God’s cures are permanent.

I ran to the phone again, curious to see how this would work when things got tough. Let’s dive into the deep end of the pool!

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was about to experience the most difficult year of my life. While I might get angry in the future, however, my rage, which had been a constant burden, never returned.

Listener, do you suffer from bitterness, indignation, or resentments? Do you hold on to your hurts to feel better? Does letting go of them sound like an even greater violation? Have you tried to let go of the pain only to have it return?

The Bible says in Ephesians 4

31 Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind).

Have you tried to let go of things before? Was it difficult, impossible?

The Bible tells us in Matthew that

25 … the disciples … were utterly puzzled (astonished, bewildered), saying, Who then can be saved [from eternal death]?

26 But Jesus looked at them and said, With men this is impossible, but all things are possible with God. Matthew 19:25-26

The Bible talks often about salvation, mentioning it hundreds of times. Jesus’ very name, which is Yeshua in it’s original Hebrew, literally means ‘to save or deliver.’

The angel Gabriel told Joseph,

21 She will bear a Son, and you shall call His name Jesus [the Greek form of the Hebrew Joshua, which means Savior], for He will save His people from their sins [that is, prevent them from failing and missing the true end and scope of life, which is God]. Matthew 1:21

What is salvation? Is it merely forgiveness? It is not. It is something greater. It is one thing to forgive a person of a sin. It’s another thing altogether to rescue them from the wrong thinking or behaviors that caused them to need forgiveness in the first place. This rescue is what Jesus tells us is possible with God.

bitterness, rage, and resentments need forgiving, yes. We also need saving from these negative behaviors! Rescue! Jesus tells us it is impossible on our own, but possible with God.

Let’s ask Him for help today!

Dear Jesus, please forgive us for our sins today. We ask for salvation from these sins. Please correct our wrong thoughts and actions. Heal our minds and relationships today. Amen

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From Surviving to Living: Transformation Through Faith

In this episode of ‘From Surviving to Living,’ Holly Bot shares her remarkable journey of transformation from a felon and sex offender who endured hard time, to being deeply moved by faith and the power of change through God. Holly opens up about the personal challenges she faced, including the battle to keep parental rights for her son, Tim, amidst financial struggles and personal growth while in prison. She recounts how embracing faith, practicing tithing, and putting others before herself led to unexpected personal improvements and a renewed sense of hope. Holly also delves into overcoming fear, anticipation of the future, and the importance of immersing oneself in God’s word to find happiness and purpose. The episode encourages listeners to face uncertainty with faith, seek transformation, and anticipate their future with joy through a relationship with Jesus, reflecting on prophecies and the promises of a joyful eternity according to the Bible.

TIMELINE

00:00 Podcast Introduction: The Journey from Surviving to Living
01:17 Episode Intro – Facing Uncertainty: Overcoming Fear and Finding Hope
02:24 Taste and See: A Story of Battle, Survival, and Faith
04:38 Financial Responsibility and Spiritual Growth in Prison
12:55 The Power of Anticipation: Learning Happiness and Preparing for the Future
13:32 Anticipating Eternity: Understanding God’s Plan for Our Future
19:35 Conclusion: A Prayer for Anticipation and Joy

Are you facing uncertainty? Is fear of the future weighing on you?

In January 2016, my parental rights were on the line for my son Tim unless I found him a home outside foster care. I would be confronted with financial challenges, unexpected weight loss, and new confidence from unlikely sources. Join me as we delve into overcoming fear, embracing hope, and triumphing over uncertainty.

Discover with me the secret to increasing happiness and how you can begin today! Listen until the end, you don’t want to miss a word! This is Taste and See!

A battle was on the horizon, one I hoped to avoid. Six months after I entered prison in 2011, my husband violated a restraining order and kidnapped my four younger children from my parents. He fled with them to Washington state.

Life didn’t go well for my children in Washington. Court records show my husband’s violent behavior towards women resulted in new restraining orders, his arrest record grew, probation violations became ordinary, and homelessness was common.

Our youngest son, Tim, had a challenging medical condition; if left untreated it could be fatal. My husband failed to care for him properly, and Tim nearly died. After receiving life-saving surgery he was placed in a foster home.

I was given a lawyer by Washington state who encouraged me to sign a waiver of my parental rights. This was a very confusing time for me, a frightening time. Normally I’m assertive. Prison, however, is an information vacuum. It shrinks a person. Facing 5 more years in prison, I signed the waiver. I don’t think I understood what it was. Three years later, hardened, ready for battle, I was ready to learn.

In January 2016 I asked my lawyer to revoke this waiver. I had become angry. I’d gone from scared to defiant. My release seemed closer, and Tim was having a hard time. I wanted to give him hope for the future and make plans with him in it. Social Services immediately responded by filing for termination of our parental rights. A trial date was set for September.

Have you ever made a decision without feeling informed? What did you learn from that experience?

“Holly, you can keep your son if you can find a home for him,” my lawyer mentioned one February afternoon. “That home, however, has to be in Minnesota,” she finished. Tim lived in Washington state, where my husband had moved from Minnesota after I was incarcerated.

“That’s great news!” I nearly shouted. “Thank you!” I made immediate plans to start calling everyone I could think of, certain Tim would be out of foster care soon. This seemed doable. I missed Tim very much.

I set my mind to finding a home for Tim and happily went to work the next day. My new love of the Bible had led me to read it every day. I worked as an English tutor at the prison. Our job included grading papers, helping students and occasionally creating assignments. Our teacher encouraged reading. When we didn’t actively have work to perform we were instructed to lead by example.

I had begun saving ten percent of my income in January because then I had learned about tithing. Ten percent feels like a lot, especially when one makes less than a dollar an hour. I had always been foolish with money, but I desired to be financially successful. Ten percent seemed doable, however, if one really tries. It made me feel good.

This day, I slipped into my chair at work and prepared for another day of grading papers. Jae, who had taken a sabbatical from tutoring for several months had just returned last week. She slipped into the chair next to mine, dropping her books on the table. She eyed my side of the desk. Usually prepared for the day with a stack of fiction books, the Bible sat alone by my hand. Jae raised a brow but said nothing. Her side of the desk included several new books.

Jae and I had been working together for a year and knew each other well. We both loved reading and shared favorite books. For the past year I’d read a fiction book a day. Since January I’d read nothing but the Bible. Jae had missed the transition, but now she was back, and curious.

As class began I opened to I Timothy. Class hummed along as I read, occasionally peeking over the book to check for raised hands. Scratching my arm I turned the page and stopped cold. A verse jumped out at me and I felt sick. It said:

Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. I Timothy 5:8

Let me back up a minute. I had learned some phrases in prison I’d heard no where else. One is “criminal thinking,” at least this term was used in a way I’d never heard before. It refers to distorted perceptions of reality, rationalizations or lack of consideration for others that can lead to bad behavior such as entitlement, justification, manipulation, minimizing consequences, defiance, being impulsive, or shifting blame.

How many of you have ever thought of being impulsive as possible criminal thinking? I bet not many. But there you have it. Well these types of thinking lead to bad behavior. I was now being reminded that this is what I was doing.

Due to a legal loop hole I wasn’t obligated (legally) to pay child support. I was still married, so the state was blind to my financial situation. I knew women in prison who were not married and had children. Their meager pay was garnished, even in prison.

I thought of my friend Katy. She was the hardest working person I knew. Because of fines and enforced savings in addition to child-support she received only 25% of her prison income, which to begin with was less than a dollar an hour. Despite this she worked over-time relentlessly in order to meet her needs. Additionally she was cheerful, generous and kind.

In contrast there was me. Having already paid restitution I received my full income. Was I cheerful, generous, kind? The Bible told me I had denied the faith, was worse than anybody. I had no integrity. I couldn’t recognize responsibility without being forced to do it. I did not take care of my own children.

I was cut to the quick! Where was my hate now? Where was my pride? Nowhere.

I wanted to obey this, and yet I was concerned. Inside I felt myself to be a weak person, emotionally ready to cave when things got tough. For the past few years I’d been spending money on junk food to feel better. My usually petite frame had taken on a lot of unwanted weight. I’d been unsuccessful at any attempt to lose weight. Misery prevented me from giving up emotional eating.

And yet, God had caused me to read his Word, crave His Word! I recognized this as God giving me abilities I didn’t have inside. I had read previously in Psalm:

Taste and see that the Lord is good! Psalm 34:8

This means literally “Try it! You’ll like it!” In order to try it out, you have to take a step, use the demo. Reading the verse in I Timothy now in class I nodded to myself. ‘I’m going to try it,’ I thought. ‘Hopefully God will make me do this too!’

After class I grabbed a yellow kite form. Filling it out I requested that Accounting automatically garnish my pay by an additional 25% and put in my savings. I determined that every so often, maybe once a month I’d mail a check from my savings to my husband. Finished with the kite, I dropped it in the mail.

Time passed slowly. As my husband and I were not on speaking terms I made no attempt to tell him of my plan to send money. After about 6 weeks something amazing became noticeable.

First, God was giving me the ability to do this, faithfully. It was not easy. I had to learn how to budget, plan really well for the future, and understand suffering and want in whole new ways. God was teaching me that He did give me everything I need.

Second, I began to lose weight without trying. This was unexpected. I was slimming down nicely, back to my size right out of high school! I must admit this, maybe more than anything, was such a reward I praised God and happily obeyed Him all the more. My inability to afford junk food caused me to lose all the unhealthy weight I’d gained. I’d have never guessed it!

I praised God in my heart, and worshiped Him everywhere I went. I craved His Word even more. What a great and awesome God!

And then came the day to drop my first child support check in the mail. Immediately fear swooped in. I imagined how this might turn out when the check arrived. Perhaps my husband, unused to receiving letters from me and expecting unkindness, would toss it out unopened. All “my” hard work for nothing. All my suffering for nought. Perhaps he would open it and seeing the small amount (less than $20), he would use it to make fun of me in front of our children. Again “my” hard work could be used to ridicule me.

I froze, check in hand, considering. I hated my husband so much. I knew he smoked, drank, did drugs. I knew he cheated on me. I knew he hit our kids. I knew he hated me. It was entirely possible, if he did open this envelope and cash this check, that he would spend it on things I hated to even imagine. Out of my hands was out of my control.

I desired respect, admiration, love. I was prideful, hurting and insecure. This check in the mail would be about obedience to God, I realized, not praise from a person.

What had obedience to God gotten me so far? His inner strength to be faithful with money, put others ahead of myself, and the reward of physical health. I glanced down at my feet, feet I was easily seeing again for the first time in years. I kicked out a toe, smiled.

I released the letter into the mailbox, flooded with warmth. I was accountable for my actions, not my husband’s response.

I spun from the room and headed outside to enjoy the day!

Dear Listener, are you facing an uncertain future today? Uncertainty can leave you feeling hopeless and depressed about the days ahead, it can exaggerate the size of the problems you face, and it can even paralyze you from taking action.

Recently I researched how uncertainty can affect people and came across a mental health article that suggested 5 tips to help in this area. They all boiled down to “get used to uncertainty.” Is that helpful? Hardly. Is there a better way? Absolutely!

Listener, how do you picture eternity? How do you picture heaven? If you had to write a 2 page essay on this, could you describe that much?

Most Christian churches rarely, if ever, teach on this subject. At all. I find this odd. While churches point individuals towards the afterlife, they fail to describe it. It’s like selling travel packages while refusing to discuss destinations. Ridiculous.

God says in the book of Isaiah

9 “[Earnestly] remember the former things, [which I did] of old; for I am God, and there is no one else; I am God, and there is none like Me,

10 Declaring the end and the result from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all My pleasure and purpose,” Isaiah 46:9-10

The Bible repeatedly points to fulfilled prophecy as direct proof that it is God who speaks. Past prophecy fulfilled confidently points us to our future as described by God, knowing He will carry it out.

A personal relationship with Jesus is key to our good future, but just imagine being in a relationship with someone and ignoring or placing little importance on a quarter of what they said. Imagine a relationship where you ignore the future of that relationship, don’t even plan for it!

Did you know that more than a quarter of the Bible, 27% or so, is predictive of the future, otherwise called prophecy. That’s more than one in four verses! About half of these prophesies have not yet come true, thus describing our future. There are 31,102 verses in the Bible, which means more than 8,000 of them are prophetic and more than 4,000 of them describe your future.

Why does the Bible talk so much about our future? Because God is excited about it and He wants you to be as well! But there’s even more to it!

According to a published article in a journal named Applied Research in Quality of Life, there is a connection between anticipation and happiness. A journalist from the New York Times wondered how this works with vacations. She wanted to know “whether the pleasure derived from anticipation is something that just magically happens after you book an airline ticket. Or can it be consciously increased?”

Turns out, anticipation that leads to happiness is an active, not a passive process. Elizabeth Dunn, a psychology professor, says “It’s better to immerse yourself, “ in the details of your future, adding this “encourages you to not only learn about your destination, but to dream, providing some concrete details for your mind to latch on to.”

And there are more advantages than just daily happiness! Another important advantage is that such immersion study is that it “provides novelty as an antidote to everyday routines” when we learn something new, which prevents boredom. It’s a spice of life!

Finally, the study found that the most effective methods for increasing happiness is talking with friends about your upcoming plans. Happiness scholars agree that being social is a fundamental way to feel happier. But not just talking about anything – research shows anticipating the future delivers more happiness than reflecting on the past, even a happy past.

Listener, Satan does not want you to be happy. He certainly doesn’t want you excited about God’s future plans for you. Satan will tell you lies to deter you from exploring what God has talked about in over 4,000 verses about your future. Satan will whisper that you are not clever enough to understand it. He will tell you it’s not important to know today. He will deter you with a focus on your past.

God loves you. He also has the best plan for your joy. It’s no coincidence that our minds have a connection between anticipation and happiness and God’s great provision for us to immerse ourselves in the details of our future, learn new things,  and share them with friends.

God concludes the Bible with an exciting image He’s looking forward to. It says in Revelation 21:

3 … See! The abode of God is with men, and He will live among them; and they shall be His people, and God shall personally be with them and be their God.

4 God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and death shall be no more, neither shall there be anguish (sorrow and mourning) nor grief nor pain any more, for the old conditions and the former order of things have passed away.

5 And He Who is seated on the throne said, See! I make all things new. Also He said, Record this, for these sayings are faithful (accurate, incorruptible, and trustworthy) and true (genuine).

Jesus adds encouragement to you in chapter 22:

17 The [Holy] Spirit and the bride (the church, the true Christians) say, Come! And let him who is listening say, Come! And let everyone come who is thirsty [who is painfully conscious of his need [d]of those things by which the soul is refreshed, supported, and strengthened]; and whoever [earnestly] desires to do it, let him come, take, appropriate, and drink the water of Life without cost.

I encourage you to anticipate your eternal future with immersion in God’s word today! Let’s start now:

Dear Jesus, thank you for including us in your exciting plans for the future. Thank you for sharing the details with us so we can anticipate it with joy. Teach us as we immerse ourselves in your word, giving us confidence and certainty in our future. Amen

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In this episode of ‘From Surviving to Living,’ it’s the beginning of 2016, and I discuss the challenge of special occasions like birthdays behind bars, and my journey towards spiritual awakening through reading the Bible. I touch on the difficulties of sharing my newfound faith with my family and the rejection I faced from them. In this episode I also dive deep into how scripture challenged my existing beliefs and led me to understand the concept of being chosen and loved by God. I encourages listeners to seek a real relationship with Jesus, and share how questioning and seeking answers from God led me to a profound sense of His Presence and understanding.

Holly’s story is a testament to the belief that transformation is possible for everyone through a relationship with Jesus and highlights the alive and active nature of God’s word.

00:00 Welcome to From Surviving to Living
00:53 The Power of Transformation and Faith
02:17 Breaking Free: A Journey of Faith Behind Bars
03:15 Discovering the Bible: A New Perspective
08:05 The Challenge of Sharing New Beliefs
13:09 A Deep Dive into Spiritual Understanding
15:02 Experiencing God’s Presence and Lessons
21:08 Closing Thoughts: Your Story is Never Over

Do you seek solace through spiritual beliefs? Does this method of comfort leave you resistant to questioning those beliefs?

Early in 2016 God would begin to change everything in me. Despite these positive changes my family would soon reject and abandon me, offended by my new beliefs. Through it all, I would discover the secret to solace, which transcends mere belief, finding peace in an actual relationship with Jesus.

We’ll explore the experience of knowing Jesus and uncover the secret to real relationship with Him. Listen until the end, you don’t want to miss a word! This is Breaking Bias.

February 2016 and another birthday in prison for me. When I first arrived at prison it had been the month of March. Since my birthday is in February, I’d had an entire year before my first birthday there; I had watched other women celebrate birthdays all year, trying to make them special.

Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays, the hardest times in prison. They are typically spent with family and friends, happy, but can be stark reminders of loss when one is away from loved ones. Most women tried to make the best of it in prison. I saw this was not easy for them. I vowed to make my birthday special but just like them, it never turned out the way I wished.

Is there a time of year that’s very special for you? How do you observe it? Have you experienced loss that makes holidays more difficult to enjoy?

For the past month I had been reading the Bible constantly, everywhere. I didn’t jump in at the beginning. Instead, I began towards the end, hesitant and unsure. As I came to a teaching in the book of I Peter, I read a verse I remembered hearing when I was young:

20 knowing this first: that no prophecy of the Scripture is of any private interpretation. 21 For the prophecy came not in olden times by the will of man, but holy men of God spoke as they were moved by the Holy Ghost. II Peter 1:20-21

I didn’t completely understand this but it did make sense that if God wanted to write a book, He could. We think of authors like Stephen King as having a good editor and publisher. We take for granted their books are as they, the author, intended. Why think human authors have abilities superior to God? Either God can do god-like things or He is not a god, not worth worshiping.

I also found something in the book of Hebrews I’d heard before at church but had never felt was explained well:

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

Now however I wondered, ‘How is the word of God alive? How can it be active? It’s a book! It’s been the same for thousands of years.’ Soon, however, God would explain this concept to me. I was about to be surprised and delighted.

I quit reading when I got to the last book, the book of Revelation. While I was engaged from the start, I didn’t feel confident reading that unusual book. Secretly I worried whatever new enthusiasm to read the Bible I’d been granted wouldn’t get me through it.

God had given me a supernatural desire to read His Word, that was more than obvious to me. I was used to experiencing my own instability and unreliability, however. All my life I rarely completed anything I started. I suppose I feared this experience would be no different, so I was cautious about doing anything I feared might ruin it.

My parents had taken me to church. I’d listened to many pastors. Maybe I believed I’d been told everything necessary, and whatever I didn’t know I’d be fed by some pastor or teacher eventually, so I’d felt no urgency for God or the Bible.

I didn’t enjoy church, the people there. What I had enjoyed was being a know-it-all. My church upbringing gave me knowledge, but I wasn’t eager for more back then. Now I thrilled to just to read the Bible!

I know my situation was not unique. In years since I have heard many similar stories from others. Like them, I had heard of a personal relationship with God, with Jesus, but I’d never understood the mechanics of it. My “relationship” with Jesus until this point had been an infrequent monologue – me talking at God as well as hearing about Him from others. Similar to writing a Hollywood star and following their life in the news, I was a fan, not an actual friend, of God. I urge you to evaluate your own situation today!

A.W. Tozer says in his book Voice of a Prophet, “You have a right to be consciously aware of meeting God…

“I charge that in the modern evangelical church we are not consciously aware of a Presence. We are not consciously aware of God. We do not hear His voice; we hear only a recording of His voice. We do not see God’s face; we see only a painting of His face. We hear not the sound of His voice; we hear but an echo of that sound. We are always once removed from God. When we stop looking at a picture of God and begin looking at God; when we stop hearing the echo and hear God’s voice itself; when instead of having God in history we have Him in experience, we will begin to know what Abram knew when he fell on his face before God.”

By early 2016 I had been incarcerated almost 5 years. My parents, who lived nearby, visited me weekly. Retired, they had turned into snowbirds. Deciding Minnesota was no place to be when it’s cold, they had chosen Florida as their new winter home the previous year.

Reluctant to leave me without company, they asked church friends to visit me in their absence. Two wonderful women agreed. I enjoyed getting to know them. My new reading left me excited to share what I was learning! It would not go as I expected. In fact, I would experience many unusual responses to my growing excitement about Jesus soon.

By the end of January I had read much of the New Testament. I was so encouraged by my reading that I started over again. I came to this verse a second time:

14 The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit.” I Corinthians 2:14

I thought nothing of it right away. I believed I did understand spiritual things because other people had shared THEIR understanding. It never occurred to me I had not been personally taught by the Spirit – only men had taught me. I also had no way of knowing if what I had been taught by these men was really from God. It never occurred to me that there was a way to know the difference. I was about to discover many new exciting things!

As I read this verse in I Corinthians 2 now, I thought verse 14 must describe an unsaved person, which was certainly not me. Confirmation bias – an unconscious behavior where a person pays attention to information that confirms their existing beliefs and ignores evidence that points to a different belief, probably prevented me from seeing the truth. I would come to read many things now that would challenge my existing beliefs.

A few weeks later in February I got to the book of I John again. I read for the second time:

“As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.” I John 2:27

 I sat and thought. It began to dawn on me that I could ask God Himself to teach me, in fact I should. I began to ask Him direct questions often while I read. I also began taking notes as I read.

Growing up I had often heard about “the will of God” and “God’s will for your life.” God’s will had seemed to me to be like fortune telling, which is also elusive and hard to be certain about. Now I found verses that mentioned God’s will and what it was – exactly. I thought my children might be eager to know so I began sharing these things with them in my letters!

Do you struggle to understand spiritual things – the things of God and the Bible? Are you eager to know God’s will?

My letters to them grew longer. Now, in addition to my usual conversation I began to add all that I was learning, excited to have their lives enriched. Almost immediately, my son Tom stopped talking to me, without explanation. This was not unusual but it was upsetting to me. I recalled the previous year when Lukas had done the same, all due to a misunderstanding.

The previous February had been my last phone call with my daughter Vivi, although I didn’t know it at the time. We’d had a nice conversation and I expected to talk with her again soon. My husband, however, had different ideas. He announced to my children that I was not going to talk with Vivianne anymore, he would not allow it. He also told them that I had been informed by him of this change. I knew nothing about it. He never spoke to me.

For the next 3 months I regularly asked to speak with Vivi whenever I called, however I was told she “wasn’t home” or “she was busy.” Finally in May Lukas became frustrated with me and told me to stop asking him to put Vivi on the phone when I knew very well it wasn’t allowed. He further explained that he was sick of me trying to get him in trouble just so I could talk with my daughter. I was stunned. I had no idea what he was talking about.

I asked Luke to explain and when I learned what he thought I tried to reassure him, telling him his dad had not actually spoken to me about this new rule. Despite my reassurances, the situation was too much for Luke. He decided not to talk with me for months afterwards. This is a common example of how our lives went, my children going in and out of my lives, often without me having the slightest clue as to why they were upset.

In addition to sharing the Bible with my children in letters, I also called my mom. “Mom! I’ve read the New Testament! I read it in like three weeks,” I raced out, “and now I’m reading it again!” My mom didn’t tell me this at the time, but she didn’t believe me. I was a known liar and prone to exaggeration, an attention seeker. She thought I was making things up. I didn’t notice her hesitancy. She, like Tom, would also stop talking to me soon. By the end of the year all of my family would reject and abandon me except my dad.

Meanwhile, I grew increasingly curious about what the Bible said. I started reading it again for the third time, beginning with the book of Matthew.

When I came to the book of Ephesians for the third time I almost skipped chapter one. I had been unconsciously skipping much of what I read these past weeks, probably because of confirmation bias. My entire experience of craving the Bible was so strange, though, I was now willing to challenge my previous beliefs. I stopped myself from skipping the chapter, asking myself, ‘What am I doing ignoring this?’ I re-read it:

3 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will” Ephesians 1:3-5

My church had taught that humans have free will, choosing God. These verses appeared to say the opposite. ‘God chose who to save before He created the world?’ I questioned it, stunned. This rocked my world. I was afraid to wonder what it meant.

As I thought, I reviewed the past couple weeks. I was 41 now. My desire to read this Bible was not my own. I knew myself very well and Someone Else was energizing me. This being true, I must take this Book and the Person Who wants me to read it seriously. I sighed.

Deliberately I prayed, “God, I don’t understand. I don’t want to skip anything You wrote. What does this chapter mean?” I don’t know what I expected from that prayer. Experience had taught me I should expect nothing. My new experiences suggested I might get an answer. How, I didn’t know. I read a little further and then…

I remember this moment very well. An alertness, God’s immediate Presence, arrived, could be felt. I suddenly understood the author to be in the room, about to explain things to me. While I didn’t instantly understand the complexity of this passage in Ephesians, what I did know, immediately, is that it is Truth, the truth about God’s love for me!

I reeled, with wonder! Time stopped, these words revolving in my mind… “He chose us in Him before the creation of the world” …. “In loveHe predestined us for adoption.” I closed my eyes and through the blackness I imagined a time before the creation of the world. Pinpricks of light swam in the darkness and through it I imagined God, at that very moment, knowing and choosing me. This sank in, the words made sure and certain by His Presence in the room and my craving for Him and His Word.

It was all undeniable – the comparison of my life without Him before this year, His Presence in my life now. As the truth sank in I thought, ‘He chose me. He chose me! HE CHOSE ME! I am chosen! I am loved.’

My arms and legs flooded with warmth. Rarely did I ever cry. I was not an emotional person, however tears sprang to my eyes. Again I thought slowly, with wonder, ‘I. Am. Loved.’ I didn’t understand how or why, but I knew it was true.

I had no more expected God’s Presence then I had expected to have a sudden craving for the Bible in January. Everything was new territory!

I doubt the Israelites had expected Pharaoh to release them – throw them out! I doubt afterward, they expected the Red Sea to part, manna from heaven, Jericho falling, the sun standing still in the sky, after, after, after… Israel seemed chronically surprised! I could now understand why. I’d always thought I was creating my own agenda and carrying it out. I’d planned none of this, however, and never would have. Clearly God makes the plans and leads man through His own agenda.

Again in A.W. Tozer’s book, Voice of a Prophet, he says, “I firmly believe that if you are where you are now because of your ingenuity and maneuvering, you are probably not where God wants you to be. The call of God is a divine moment that is impossible to replicate. Elijah, himself, never knew where he was going to be. His life was a constant reaction to the voice of God.”

I had asked God for help because His Word says to ask Him. My life experience had not prepared me for His arrival, however, His Presence. Awesome! Intimate. Beautiful. I realized it was possible there were many ideas new to me! God now began to teach me in a whole new way and convict me of my sin also in a whole new way.

Can you relate to desiring God’s Presence in your life? God is interested in you! Jesus says, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8 Ask today!

Delighted, I began to realize His Word is alive because God is alive and here! Now I couldn’t stop the questions coming. Sometimes God answered by directing my attention. He showed me this verse in Acts:

“One of those who listened to us was a woman named Lydia, from the city of Thyatira, a dealer in fabrics dyed in purple. She was already a worshiper of God, and the Lord opened her heart to pay attention to what was said by Paul.” Acts 16:14

Fun! Another time I read Jesus saying, “The first will be last, and the last will be first.” It seemed important but I could not understand it. I thought and thought and finally I asked God to show me the meaning. Later I went to dinner in the cafeteria, where God gave me an object lesson I didn’t expect.

Dinner trays are distributed to inmates in 3 long lines. Having received my meal, I sat to eat. Suddenly my attention was drawn to the nearest line. Someone didn’t want to wait at the end.

Pushing her way to the front a woman waved to a server and shouted, “Give me the next tray!” Women who had been waiting for ten minutes grew angry. Reaching an arm across the counter the woman snatched a ready tray. Before anyone could react she stormed off towards a table.

I was so surprised my hand wavered, fork suspended halfway to my mouth. I set my fork down thoughtfully. This woman had just been first, no doubt. It was a dramatic presentation of arrogance.

I turned my attention to the women at the end of the line. I supposed this was the opposite then – humility. I remembered:

“You save the humble but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.” Psalm 18:27

Smiling, I remembered to say a prayer for my own meal. “Dear Jesus, thank you for answer to prayer, and the lesson you just gave. Thank you for this food. Amen.”

I had not yet learned about pride as it related to me. I was a very insecure person who acted very defensively and arrogantly to overcompensate.

I had been unteachable, obnoxious. Hard lessons were in my future as God removed wrong ideas from me. Thankfully, God is a gentle Teacher.

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Discover extra content in the blog post Surprised by Joy!!

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This is the episode you’ve been waiting for – and you won’t be disappointed! It was October 2015 and my life was about to take a dramatic turn. Soon my life would be filled with wonder, excitement and peace! Life didn’t get easier, in fact my circumstances would become even more dire. I was about to discover the “peace that passes all understanding.” I would never be the same, and thank God for that!

Do you wonder what true transformation looks and feels like? Do you want it for yourself? Listen today, you’ll be glad you did!

Are your beliefs facing a storm of doubt? Do you fear that your connection with Jesus might be slipping away?

In the fall of 2015, my oldest son began to deconstruct his faith, ultimately becoming an atheist. Challenged by his doubts, I began a quest to fix things. Join me as I explore the role of doubt and how it can lead to deeper understanding. Discover with me the secret to transformation through Scripture.

Are you ready for a genuine connection with Jesus today? Listen until the end,  you don’t want to miss a word! This is Surprised by Joy.

I think of this as the beginning. I was asleep, maybe dead all my life, before 2016. I was 40 years old.

“Mom, I’m not sure I believe in God anymore,” my oldest son Noel explained on the phone. It was October 2015, and Noel had just turned 21.

Trying to remain calm I asked, “Why do you say that?” Noel had gone to a Christian school, living with my parents after I went to prison. They had taken him to church every Sunday.

“I’m not certain He exists,” Noel answered. “I’m not an atheist. I guess I just don’t know,” he finished.

Are you uncertain about God? Are you looking for answers?

The call left me tense; I considered solutions. I also went to a Christian school, was taken to church every Sunday. I wanted to fix this.

Recently I took the Myers-Briggs personality test. I am the INTJ classification type, placing an emphasis on logic and fact rather than emotion, with a strong desire for competence and knowledge. The church I was raised in was intellectually stimulating, with biblical archeologists, theology professors, and interesting guest speakers. I felt confidence in this knowledge and was eager to learn.

When I was very young, about 4 years old, my mother tells me she explained salvation to me. She shared that Jesus died on the cross for our sins, and that He had risen from the dead. Jesus is alive today. She showed me John 3:16 and Romans 10:9-10.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

9 “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.” Romans 10:9-10

She asked me if I believed. She prayed with me. I do not remember any of this. But she wrote the date in my Bible. At age 6 or 7 I was baptized at our church. This I do remember, a little. I remember having stage fright. Standing next to the pastor, staring out at the church, I was asked questions. Too terrified to respond I did nothing, said nothing. That’s what I remember. I was baptized regardless. This made me a member of the church.

As I grew up and became a teenager, I would hear the message of salvation many times. Though told I’d been saved, with that note in a Bible, I didn’t feel saved. So I’d pray again sincerely! I did this more than once. Nothing seemed different. Why? Was I already saved? Or wasn’t it working? I didn’t know.

Once, when I was in my twenties cleaning the house, a thought struck me, “Does God really exist?” It was so unexpected. My mind returned to a day when I was 17 years old.

“Hey! Let’s ride dirt bikes! We have some in the shed,” Mike pointed over my shoulder. I glanced at his dad’s cabin, considering. Without waiting for an answer he hiked up the drive. Tossing open the doors he rolled out 2 motor bikes.

The first roared to life easily. The second bike was lifeless. Mike’s brow creased in thought. He headed back into the shed for tools. I sat to watch. Thirty minutes passed without success. Mike is a determined person, but after an hour he was ready to call it quits. “I guess we can both ride together,” he said. “It won’t be the same, but it will still be fun.”

“Wait,” I said. We’d been friends a couple years. I’d often invited Mike to church. Mike enjoyed the people but he didn’t believe in God. “Before you put the bike away, how about I pray it starts, then you try it one more time?” I asked.

“What? I’ve been working on the bike for an hour,” he dismissed. “You want to pray, and you think the bike will just… start!” Mike laughed.

“Yes, exactly that,” I answered.

“Okay, fine. Go ahead,” Mike leaned back, ready for another good laugh. He waited.

I closed my eyes and prayed, “God, please make this dirt bike start now. Thank you.” I knew God could do this; He could do anything He liked. I did not know if He wanted to do it; I did not know if He would. I opened my eyes. Mike was watching me. I pointed to the bike and said, “Try it now.”

Mike leaned forward again to start it. VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!! The bike ROARED to life. We both stepped back in shock.

Squeezing my eyes I had returned to my living room, my cleaning, my twenty something self. I shook away the thought that God doesn’t exist. Staring at my living room, I wondered why I doubted. I also wished for more in life. I was lonely, depressed, lost.

Now years later here I was, 40 years old and in prison, my son struggling with the same issue. Then I had an idea! I was enrolled in college classes, my current assignment to write a persuasive essay. This was it! I would prove God existed.

I ran into a problem. I thought to describe God, His character and attributes. I considered all I’d heard about Him. I wrote that down in a list. “Great!” I thought. “Good start.” Next I tried to find this in the Bible so I could use it.

I opened the Bible at random, scanned the page. Nothing obvious jumped out. I flipped the page, nothing. I sat back and flipped through the entire book, stopping here and there for a quick read. This was not going to work.

I thought more. My paper was due in a couple weeks. I’m a fast reader, but saw it was impossible to read the Bible that fast. “And,” I asked myself, “why would I want to? I’m only interested in a few things such as God’s character. I don’t need to know everything!”

“Mom, can you help me?” I posed the next afternoon. “I have an English paper to write, and I’d like it to be about God.” I explained the trouble I was having. I shared the list I’d made. She agreed to help, and found references for me.

Satisfied, I wrote my paper, coldly logical and analytical. Perhaps I knew about God. I did not know Him personally, though. I was confused by this distinction. A few years prior, my mom had sent me a book by A. W. Tozer called Knowing God, which brings together two key facets of the Christian faith—knowing about God and knowing God through a close relationship with Jesus Christ. The book confused me so much I didn’t finish it at the time.

I now felt unsettled by my obvious lack of expertise on the subject of God. I’d believed I was knowledgeable, and this experience had left me with doubts. Friday afternoon I finished my paper, sat back and scanned my room. Sunlight flooded in, and I lifted my eyes to my bookshelf. My Bible, unread, sat where I’d left it.

Thoughtfully I considered again. I’d heard of Bible reading plans. I didn’t have to read it quickly. Pulling it from the shelf I decided to try, determined to become knowledgeable for real.

Less than a week later I was defeated. I had to admit I preferred reading fiction. My plan had been to read the Bible daily, and I’d failed immediately. After a week I didn’t want to continue. It was boring and I didn’t understand it. I had better things to read.

I returned the Bible to my bookshelf with a sigh, pushing the spine with my finger. I felt guilty, yet relieved. I prayed, “God, if You want me to read it, You’ll have to make me want to. I don’t like it.” With that, I left the room and forgot all about it.

Months passed. Christmas arrived and with it special treats. A mission donated paper grocery bags filled with goodies and Bible studies to the prison. After Christmas dinner I excitedly made my way to the cafeteria door, watching women receive their gift and looking forward to enjoying mine. Every year we received some small thing but this was the biggest gift bag we’d ever seen!

Practically running back to my room I imagined all the good things that must be inside, cookies, candies, snacks! The nice man who had delivered the bags had been smiling and kind. I wanted to hug him! I hoped he would return every year.

As I unwrapped a candy bar I ran my hands over bags of chips and treats. This could last for a month! At the bottom of the bag were booklets. I pulled one out at random and plopped on the bed. Chewing, I flipped open the first page. “Sinners will not enjoy heaven…,” I read.

‘That’s the weirdest thing I ever heard!’ I thought. ‘Isn’t the definition of heaven “whatever we think is wonderful”?’ I puzzled. I pulled the book closer and put down the candy.

“Heaven is what God thinks is wonderful, and sinners do not naturally enjoy what God loves,” the book explained. I thought back to my experience reading the Bible. How boring it was! “Well that seems true,” I admitted. “I didn’t like the Bible. I didn’t really like church. But I want to go to heaven! And I want to like it!” I picked up my candy and took another bite, chewing thoughtfully. I read the rest and turned the page.

“God is the main character of the Bible, not man,” it said. “People misunderstand because they see man as the central figure.” Captivated, I wondered. ‘Is it true? Is God the main character in the Bible?’ That’s not how I’d heard it. I’d heard lots of stories about men in there. I could name them, like hall of fame heroes.

I pulled out another booklet, this one about tithing. I’d heard of that before – giving money to your church. I turned the page and was shocked. “If you don’t tithe you are stealing from God,” it began.

“I can’t believe it says that!” I fumed. I was stung, angry. I tore open a bag of chips and considered doing something else.

I chose a different booklet, something from the bottom of the bag. “Salvation is a process, not just a decision,” it announced. I’d never heard of such a thing! That sounded bad, like working your way to heaven. I was certain it was wrong. And yet they had Bible verses about it. This was a lot to think about. I set everything aside for later.

The new year arrived, January 2016. The prison went on lockdown which meant everyone confined to their room 24 hours a day. Lockdowns can occur due to short staffing, emergencies, or even holidays. Inmates are not always told the reason.

This lockdown lasted longer than the library books I had. Finishing the last I eyeballed the Bible still on my shelf. I was curious to see if God really was the main character. Reclining on my bed I opened the Bible to I Corinthians and started reading.

Have you ever seen a person shocked to life with paddles? Or more likely, have you ever been prepared for the worst date ever, only to fall in love at first sight?

I read, and… Lunch passed, I missed it. Dinner came and went. I didn’t notice. Time stopped as I ate up the words on the pages. Midnight arrived and I fell asleep, Bible in hand, exhausted.

Was I a thief? If salvation is more than a decision, what is it? What is transformation? How can I see things from a different perspective, where humans are not center stage and God is?

Morning found me confused about my experience the day before. ‘The Bible is boring and old,’ I recalled. ‘Perhaps yesterday I read parts I never saw before. The boring parts are there and I’ll prove it!’ I rationalized. ‘When I find them then I can stop reading it.’

Plan formed I read the day away, gripped again from the start. I hardly noticed time passing. I did not get bored. Instead, I found relevance. I was fascinated.

The third day I had another talk with myself. I never enjoyed church as an adult. I found prayer boring, a chore, the Bible another chore. The past two days had been thrilling; in fact ever since Christmas pursuing God had been interesting, effortless!

I knew in my heart that any previous results I attributed to prayer I thought could be coincidence. Those situations could have happened regardless. I could not tell if God was at work intentionally. How would I know? Like the motor bikes I knew God could do anything; what does He want to do?

But this! This was God’s Word, the Bible itself. God would want people to read it, that was obvious now. What had me crying out “Father God!” was that God gave His desire to me. He wanted ME to know Him! He was proving it. What a shock, yet undeniable! I felt loved, I fell in love. I wanted more!

Work resumed and I returned all of my library books. Instead of checking out new books I read the Bible constantly. I read it at work, at meals, I read it while waiting for doctor appointments. I had no desire to stop.

God was a Person Who was being very intentional with me. I struggled to realize my wrong thinking which had been a barrier to genuine relationship with Him. God pointed me to my own situation.

Incarceration was hard on my family, especially my children. My relationships were strained before prison; now most were broken. My children felt the stress, surrounded by adults who struggled to not (or often did) say what they thought about me.

After 5 years I felt a strange disconnect between us. My children believed they knew me well. They spoke with authority on the subject of “Mom,” or “what mom would do,” “what mom thinks,” or “what mom did.”

I didn’t recognize myself in the stories they told, the person they described. I was shocked and dismayed by what they said. Oddly, they didn’t ask me about their accuracy. If I disagreed this simply confirmed any negative views and labeled me ‘disagreeable’. They listened to other people, and let that define me. Unfortunately their so-called knowledge was interfering in their ability to have genuine relationship with me.

For many years, however, I had written my children hundreds of letters, thousands of pages. There I was – my character (good or bad), my past, my thoughts, my plans – plain as day for them right from the source, Mom!

I could tell when listening to my children on the phone that most of these letters went unread. I’d agonize as I listened to them, frustrated and thinking, ‘If you would just read my letters you wouldn’t have all these wrong ideas and we would have a great relationship!’ Even worse, their negative ideas would often cause such stress they would break contact with me altogether.

Now I realized, I had done the same to God for 40 years. He had written thousands of pages, pouring out His heart, His plans, what He would do, what He thinks, His character. For half my life I’d been a know-it-all, felt knowledgeable with a church upbringing. I’d spoken with authority about God. I’d relied on second-hand information, instead of the Author Himself, His Word.

As I read His Word now, I knew, Jesus was hurt by my behavior.

“11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; now that I have become a man, I am done with childish ways and have put them aside.
12 For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection of reality as in a riddle or enigma, but then when perfection comes we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood by God.” I Corinthians 13:11-12

C.S. Lewis describes such a faith well in his biographical book Surprised by Joy. When he was a child his mother became ill. He prayed for her recovery and when she nevertheless died he prayed for a miracle. He describes this as his first religious experience:

“The thing hadn’t worked, but I was used to things not working, and I thought no more about it. I think the truth is that the belief into which I had hypnotized myself was itself too irreligious for its failure to cause any religious revolution.

“I had approached God, or my idea of God, without love, without awe, even without fear. He was, in my mental picture of this miracle, to appear neither as Savior nor as Judge, but merely as a magician; and when He had done what was required of Him I supposed He would simply – well, go away. It never crossed my mind that the tremendous contact which I solicited should have any consequences beyond restoring the status quo.”

With my new understanding, I decided to start saving 10 percent of my paychecks. I didn’t have a church to give it to, but I would give it to charity.

This was just the beginning, an amazing, unexpected start. I was filled with wonder.

Listener, do you struggle with doubts about your faith, about God?

Let’s talk about faith. Is it enough to believe God exists? Is that what faith is? The Bible says in Hebrews 11:6

“But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to Him. For whoever would come near to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out].”

This is the definition of faith, belief that God exists and that there’s value (reward) in knowing Him. This is talking about knowing something is true by experience. Experiential knowledge is knowledge gained through experience, as opposed to a priori (before experience) knowledge or textbook knowledge. In otherwords, not blind faith.

God’s Word repeatedly stresses knowing Who God is and what He is like through our own personal experiences. God says in I Kings, “you shall know and recognize by experience that I am the Lord” I Kings 20:28b

What experiences can we have that would confirm He is the Lord? Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians:

‘Examine and test and evaluate your own selves to see whether you are holding to your faith and showing the proper fruits of it. Test and prove yourselves. Do you not yourselves realize and know [thoroughly by an ever-increasing experience] that Jesus Christ is in you?’ II Corinthians 13:5a

This is important – talking not about knowing God exists, but that He is the boss of you, Lord of your life. What does it mean to show the proper fruit of our faith? John tells us in I John: “And this is how we may discern [daily, by experience] that we are coming to know Him [to perceive, recognize, understand, and become better acquainted with Him]: if we keep, bear in mind and practice His teachings.” I John 2:3

Listener, this next part is very important. Jesus Himself explains how this happens, how He removes all doubt when we follow these instructions. He says in John chapter 14:

The person who has My commands and keeps them is the one who really loves Me; and whoever really loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I too will love him and will show (reveal, manifest) Myself to him. I will let Myself be clearly seen by him and make Myself real to him. John 14:21

It’s a beautiful reminder that our doubts and questions are not obstacles but invitations to experience God’s love and presence in a deeper way. Let’s start today!

Dear Jesus, I pray for the person listening right now, and I pray for me. Please teach us by ever-increasing experience that you are Lord. Help us to examine our lives, understand your ways and live by them. Increase our faith today. Amen!

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