From The Seat Of The Cab

The pain and sadness will be carried with me, I am at peace now!

The story of the engagement ring and romantic notions, accepting that this is my new reality.

My mood is better, my headspace much more considered and my thoughts clearer, dropping off my baby girl tonight was a cake walk compared to last week. We need to get the ball rolling and my weekend routine needs cast in stone, I'm an amicable man but this is beginning to test my patience.

Whilst I pushed myself to keep busy tonight, my baby girl went to the Christmas light switch on with her friends, I desperately wanted to ask to go along, it may sound silly, but these moments are memories, memories I wanted of my family, together. I wanted to watch her play with her friends and to watch them grow up, I was so busy with life I didn't see myself being cut out of Jo's new life in Cambridgeshire, if she didn't cut me out deliberately, she made no effort at all to include me or to introduce me to the new friend group, it hurts to know that I must try to substitute her memories with her friends with memories of our own where we do this apart from her life at home, and again, this, to me feels so unfair, I did nothing wrong to deserve this.

Seems I was a blind fool. Counseling has helped me find clarity and remember some of our past regards inappropriate messages, seems she just got better at hiding them but continued a life of infidelity and betrayal. Good luck to her, she'll need it more than me, I am now primed to spring board into my new life.

Today was the first time I was able to pick up and spend time with my baby girl, I really wasn't expecting the rollercoaster of emotions that came with it though.

A more sombre recollection of how I got here right now, the unanswered questions and nagging doubts, we're getting there, slowly.

The catharsis of opening up and bearing my soul to the world is helping me find inner peace, I am healing, this period of introspection will pass and the sadness will lift.

It's time! I've unpublished my hurt and pain for now, it's not helpful in my immediate future and although the catharsis of talking through things was very necessary in the moment, it must be put to bed for now and I need to refocus on where I want to be and become a better man for the world to be proud of.

Turns out I'm a complete idiot, although as far as I was concerned I was just helping out by taking care of my own washing, pause for thought and it seems that she had 0 investment into me or our relationship.