If an invisible man stands naked in front of a work of fine art, does it spoil the view?

John and Eugene discuss The Fine Art of Diplomacy.

n the run-up to the American Bicentennial, Diego Devega, Ambassador to a small, strategically important country, and also brother to the ruler of the country, has arranged for priceless paintings to be stolen from the US Capitol building and replaced with fakes. He is keeping the stolen paintings in a specially-designed room in his embassy.  His plan, to get them out of the country, then ransom them back to the Americans so they can avoid the embarrassment.   When the Americans discover, by accident, that the paintings are missing, the Secretary of State calls in the Klae Resource, Dan Westin, The Invisible Man!

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First, they must snoop around the embassy to see if the paintings are there.  Kate pretends to be a reporter doing a piece on Devega.  She visits him during a party held at the embassy, and while she flirts with him, Dan pokes around until he discovers the paintings.  Unfortunately, he gets locked in the airtight room.  In fact, the room is more than airtight, it has all the oxygen pumped out.  As Dan is about to die, he breaks the air-pumpy-outy nozzle, returning air to the room and triggering an alarm that allows him to escape when they come to investigate.

Kate overhears at the party that Devega has a deal with an art dealer, Gregorio, to get the paintings out of the country in two days time.

With photos of the stolen pictures and a known deadline, Dan and Kate turn the info over to the Secretary of State’s office; unfortunately, two days just isn’t enough time to get a search warrant and raid the place, and they cannot go to the ruler of the country and expose his brother’s criminal activity until after they get him to sign a deal for a NATO base.

There’s only one thing for it:  Dan will have to steal the pictures and replace them the counterfeits.  It would be easy for the Invisible Man save for one thing.  If the paintings were seen floating into the embassy by themselves, it might raise suspicions.

Kate must go back to an art party being held at the embassy the next day and really put the moves on Devega, then drugging him, using his unconscious body as a prop and a key to allay suspicions and then Dan, disguised as a Russian caterer will bring, swap, and remove the painting on his catering cart.

The plan goes well, with the paintings swapped without Devega realizing, but not without him realizing that Kate drugged him and managed to get into the secure room.  She is held hostage.  She buys time by implicating Gregario, who was actually completely unaware of the provenance of the art he was smuggling out of the country.  But,moments before Kate and Gregario are killed, Dan Westin, the Invisible Man subdues their would-be killer and they escape.

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Percy is finally right where we knew she’d end up: jail.  Will Dante try to get her out?

Synopsis:

Dante is giving Percy some much needed time away from the ship by allowing her to come along on a routine prisoner pickup.  What fun!  Dante really is in the running for Uncle of the Year.  There’s even more fun because Rex, a rival bounty hunter, is there to ambush them under the pretext of poaching his prisoner.  Its a Who’s the baddest bounty hunter bad off as each side takes turns getting the upper hand on each other until Percy shoots of them.  For the record, she does shoot one of Rex’s crew and immediately, the Oberon police, who have been waiting patiently off screen for their cue, step in and arrest her.

Oberon justice is not just swift, its corrupt to the core.  Percy is taken to the Nereid prison, the worst prison in the known universe – and that’s saying a lot.

The Oberon justice system works as follows:  Police arrest and sentence people, no courts required.  All police and prisoner officials can be bribed.  It’s a system that works for them and keeps everyone happy, except the prisoners.

Dante’s attempts to bribe someone to let Percy out fail because Rex has already bribed them and so she makes Dante an offer he can’t refuse.  She’ll let Percy out of the maximum security Nereid prison, if Dante will just break into that exact same Nereid prison and break out a prisoner, her brother Goran.

Backed into a corner, and against Lucretia’s advice, but with her support, Dante poses as a prisoner and gets in and close to Goran.

Meanwhile Percy is getting a taste of life with the mean girls from high schools is like, when they’re not being taken out and raped by the guards.  She concocts a plan to escape, which is reasonably successful until it isn’t.

Dante is cozying up to Goran and convincing him to escape with him, when he finally agrees the plan goes into action.  Lucretia comes back with a cockamamie story about Dante having highly contagious hepatitis, and then bribing the prisoner commander to let him he taken for medical research.  Goran pretends to be infected, too, and with the promise of another bribe, he’s sent with Lucretia, too.

At the meet up with Rex, Percy is turned over and, when it’s obvious she’s going to double-cross Dante again, the corrupt police arrive and arrest Rex and gang, because Dante has effectively bribed them with information that Goran has millions in hidden loot, which they presumably will somehow now get.

It’s a happy family once again eating food that may or may not be worse than prison food.

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The Beasts episode Baby explores the idyllic life of the English country vet.  Simon and Eugene discuss.

Synopsis:

Jo and Peter Gilkes have recently moved to the country and are having their cottage renovated by two local workman, Stan Biddick and Arthur Grace.  Jo is a housewife, country-born and six-months pregnant.  She’s been pregnant before, but without success.

Peter splits his time between being a vet and a first-class asshole.  He’s a city boy who’s moved to the country to be James Herriot.  He’s tired of expressing neurotic poodle’s anal glands and wants to get his arm up to his shoulder in a cow’s backside.  That is… when he’s not shouting at his wife.  It’s clear, she’s not as thrilled about moving to the country as he is.

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Jo has just brought the family cat, Muddslinger, to the cottage and he screams and yowls from the moment she brings his basket in the door until she lets him out, when he promptly bolts out the door and keeps running till he’s out of sight.

In the evening, Peter decides the workman aren’t moving fast enough, and starts doing some of the demolition work himself.  He uncovers a large earthen jar bricked up in the 300-year old wall.  Inside, they find the mummified remains of… something.  Peter the vet cannot identify it.  Neither dog nor cat, it looks rather like a pig, but furry.  Or like a lamb, with claws.  He is fascinated by it.  She is horrified by it.  But he won’t take it out and bury it – he wants to show it to his new partner, senior local vet and colorful character, Siegfried Farnum – no, no, sorry, Dick Pummery.

He leaves the mummy at the house when he goes to work the next day, and when the workmen see it, they think it should be gotten rid of.  Jo agrees and takes it out to the fire in the yard and drops it in just as Peter pulls up and shouts her down, rescuing it from the flames.

That night, Dick comes over and does a lot of talking about the somewhat dark history of the cottage and the surrounding land.  The house was previously owned by the Jacksons, a childless couple who tried to run a dog farm.  They never made a go of it though, the dogs kept spontaneously aborting.  Funny that, that’s the same reason the land isn’t used for cattle, either.  Spontaneous abortions.  Must be a germ or something in the soil in the area that causes it.

All this talk of something in the area causing spontaneous abortions makes Jo feel absolutely confident that this is the right place for her to be right now.  No, strike that, it makes her hysterically worried for the safety of her unborn child.  “Not to worry, my dear, couldn’t happen to humans!” says Dick, and that calms her down a lot (read: not at all.)

With the fun and uplifting evening coming to an end, Peter shows Dick the mummy.  He finds it fascinating, too.  They decide to take it back to the practice and do a post-mortem on it.  Jo is thrilled to get it out of the house.

Just one problem, the bag starts to break as Dick makes to leave so, rather than find another bag, Peter sneaks the mummy upstairs and into the nursery, where he locks it in a cabinet.  No need to worry Jo that it’s still in the house.  He’ll take it to work in the morning.  Unless he forgets.  Which he does.

Next day, the workmen and Jo are gossiping about the creature.  Arthur thinks its a thing that hard a purpose.  A dark purpose.  A thing that was made to do dark things.  Made by somebody who’d have been wise in them dark ways.  A thing like that would have been suckled, too, by a human.

All this talk has Jo upset again and she goes into the woods looking for her cat.  She fails to find him but while out, she sees and hears a strange shadow in the woods and runs all the way home in a fright.  

The workmen knock off early and Jo is left at home alone.  She hears sounds and she finds the locked cabinet in the nursery.  She goes downstairs investigating and discovers the earthen jar in the doorway with the door open.  Outside, she hears that sound again.

Peter arrives home. He’s in a right state.  Dick put him to work on some pigs and the pigs got the better of him.  He’s covered in… let’s be charitable and call it “muck” and he’s livid at Dick, who laughed at him!  That’s it, I hate it here! I can’t work with that man! I’ve decided to quit!

This is the best news Jo could hear and she confides to Peter that she hates it here.  He, of course, dismisses that as the pregnancy talking.  But it doesn’t really matter about her, the important thing is he doesn’t want this job anymore and he’s quitting in the morning.

Downstairs, Jo notices that the rocking chair is moving, as if someone was… or is… sitting in it.  At this moment, Dick and his wife Dorothy show up, with booze.  He’s in a festive mood and has come to make amends with Peter.  He’s there to celebrate his baptism of fire – the incident with the pigs.  It happens to all the vets and he passed with flying colors.

Peter, presented with a bottle of booze, doesn’t immediately quit and an evening of drunkenness ensues – for everyone but Jo, of course.  By the end of the evening, Peter and Dick are best friends again and the idea of quitting is long gone and also, Jo has seen the mysterious shadow inside the house.

As Dick and Dorothy leave, Jo overhears a comment that makes her think Peter kept the mummy in the house after all.  When she asks him, he lies and tells her he didn’t.

Later that night, Peter is unconscious in bed and Jo is hearing the sounds of wood being gnawed.  She gets up to investigate and finds the cabinet in the nursery chewed up and destroyed.  She also finds the remnants of the bag and realizes what was in the cabinet.  Not content with just that small, horrifying discovery, she goes downstairs by herself for more.

She hears contented, suckling noises and the sound of the rocking chair.  As she looks at the moving chair, a horrible, black-clad, disfigured woman is suckling the now re-animated creature.  Jo screams in terror and collapses in the empty room.

And so ends another episode of “Well, That never happened on All Creatures Great and Small.”

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A New Year’s message from Fusion Patrol.

What is the Klae Resource?

John and Eugene start with the first “proper” episode of the 1970’s Invisible Man Series with the episode entitled The Klae Resource.

Synopsis:

Dan and Kate Westin have settled into their new life as “The Klae Resource.”  In exchange for funding to try to reverse Dan’s permanent invisibility, they perform espionage services at the behest of the US Government.

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Lionel Parks is a multi-millionaire, tycoon and inventor.  He owns a number of Las Vegas casinos and, reportedly, lives in the penthouse of one of them.  He is notoriously reclusive and no one, apart from his right-hand man, Jim Fielder, has seen his for years.

The Energy Department has come asking the Klae Resource for help – even though they don’t know what it is.

Parks’ company has developed a technique to triple the yield of refined petroleum products from crude oil.  He’s also placed the product up for bid and the highest bidder is an Arab nation.  Parks is an ultra-patriot and they cannot believe he would sell to the Arabs.

But when they call him with a voice analyzer device, Fielder uses a computer to simulate Parks’ voice.  The voice analyzer at the Klae Corporation cannot identify it as a fake.  Dan is sent to Las Vegas to get inside and find out if Parks is still alive, or somehow under control of Fielder.  This should be a piece of cake because Dan Westin is THE INVISIBLE MAN!

His first attempt is quite simple.  He walks in, invisible, and, with a variety of minor ruses, gets the guards to open the various doors he needs to pass through.  Alone in the computer room, he discovers the computer that simulates Parks’ voice.  He also finds a locked elevator door and an alarm system that is triggered by his physical presence.  Gas is released into the room.

Luckily the gas doesn’t incapacitate Dan enough that he cannot escape, but they will have to come up with Plan B.

Plan B is this:  Dan uses his powers of invisibility to rig it so that Kate wins big at the tables, first roulette, then craps.  When Fielder gets interested, Dan (now visible again) explains they have an unbeatable system, and they’ll sell it to Parks – but only Parks.

No deal.  Parks sees no one.

Dan explains it’s also the system that allows him to know that they have a computer that simulates Parks’ voice in the computer room upstairs.  His hand forced, Fielder calls the limo to take them to “the Farm” to see Parks.  In reality, it’s a one-way ride to their death.

Luckily, Dan has an ace up his sleeve.  He just needs to strip off all his clothes while in the backseat of a limo being driven by two armed thugs, and he’ll be THE INVISIBLE MAN.  This he does and easily subdues the bad guys, stealing their car and returning to Fielder.

This time he holds Fielder at gunpoint and forces him to take him to the secret elevator and finally to see Parks himself.

Parks, although actually a recluse, is also being held prisoner and hasn’t been out of his luxury cell in years.  Dan convinces him that the wants to leave this room and convinces him it can be done by showing him that he’s THE INVISIBLE MAN – after first getting Parks to Pinky Swear that he’ll never tell.

Fielder has no intention of letting Dan go free, but because Dan is THE INVISIBLE MAN, he over-powers Fielder and he and Parks just walk out of the penthouse and have Fielder arrested.

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In a universe where god-like powers are real, what is religion?  Is it any different?

Kenneth and Eugene discuss Order.

Synopsis:

A large, ornate and very expensive looking pyramid shaped spacecraft filled with cavorting druids hurtles perilously close to the sun.  The cavorting druids turn out to be followers of Vahootie, and specifically, their spiritual leader, Brother 13.  They are plunging into the sun so that they can transcend to heaven and be by Vahootie’s side.

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Brother 13 is about to do some… ahem… meditation.. ahem… with his child bride, when brother Jacob, suffering from some last minute doubts that killing themselves in the sun is the right thing to do interrupts them.  A quick laying on of hands and a blue glow is enough to renew and reinvigorate Jacob’s faith.  Killing ourselves in the sun is definitely the right thing to do.

Nearby, the Transutopian makes a half-hearted, but doomed attempt to rescue them.  Dante and Percy, experts on stupid, marvel at the insanity, or stupidity, the Vahootians.  Lucretia is less down on the loonies, stating without evidence that the need to believe in something is just as important and food or shelter to humans.

We wouldn’t have much of a story if the ship just plunged into the sun, though, so at the last minute, leaving his followers to their fate, Brother 13, his child-bride and crazy brother Jacob escape in a shuttle, where they are rescued by Dante.

Brother Jacob, who is armed with a knife is immediately locked up.  When Dante realizes that Brother 13 is the leader of the cult, and therefore the mass murderer of the ship full of Vahootians, he treats him rudely, but surprisingly nicely.  He asks Lucretia to tend Brother 13’s wounds and lock him up.

Dante also asks Percy, the person voted most likely to be taken in by a cult, to take food to the mass murderer cult leader and his child bride.  Brother 13 asks for his child bride to be taken out of the room with Percy, so that he can have a quiet word with Lucretia.  First he demonstrates that he knows she’s looking for “the cluster” – could he mean the Divinity Cluster? – and that he knows she’s desperate to please her father.  Thus caught slightly off guard, he then mind rapes her with his glowing blue hands, although Brother 13 calls it a “Rejuvenation of faith.”  Soon she is beginning to understand that Vahootie is the answer.

Dante returns and finds Brother 13 and Lucretia having an amicable chat.  To his credit, and my amazement, Dante seems to catch on very quickly that Brother 13 is “getting at” Lucretia.  He sends her to confinement in her quarters until the prisoners are off the ship.  Dante’s disgust of Brother 13 and what he represents is apparent, and when Brother 13 attempts to read Dante’s mind about his son and mind rape him, too, Dante hurts him and throws him in a cage.

In the cages, Jacob is beginning to have doubts again, he needs Brother 13 to perform a rejuvenation on his faith, but Brother 13 is tired of Jacob’s lack of faith and refuses.  It’s very clear that when Brother 13 is unhappy, he’s a very nasty piece of work.

Meanwhile, Percy has handcuffed the child bride and is showing her around the ship.  Percy tries to indoctrinate her into the cult of Billy Toonami, or at least come to a meeting of minds.  It becomes clear that her faith in Brother 13 is slipping.  Could it be that his mind-whammy is only temporary?  Realizing now that there’s something more than just verbal persuasion, Dante orders Percy and the child bride to stay on the bridge and not let anyone in, including Lucretia.

Dante goes to talk to Lucretia, but she’s gone.  She has gone to the cages and let Brother 13 and Jacob out.

On the bridge, the child bride grabs a gun and threatens Percy, but it is unloaded and the joke is on her.

Dante confronts Lucretia, Brother 13 and Jacob in the lockup area. Brother 13 orders Lucretia to kill him.  When she tries, Dante shoots the gun out of her hand, but Jacob takes Lucretia hostage and knife point.  Jacob drops dead to the sound of a gunshot as Percy shoots him from behind.  For once, ignoring orders paid off.

Dante sends Lucretia back to her quarters, but instead, she locks herself in a cage.

Soon, they are handing the prisoners to the Authority officials on Mercury, and Rudolfo is very pleased by the large bounty they’ve collected for putting away a mass murdering cult leader.

Later Dante releases Lucretia, she seems to be back to her old self, and she immediately goes to open a secret channel to her father and warn him that Brother 13 is very dangerous, may have had contact with Novak, and have some knowledge of the Divinity Cluster.

On the transport shuttle, Brother 13 is mind raping the guards.  Perhaps Dante will get another chance to put a bullet in his head someday.

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We look at a deeply-troubling story about obsession, pretensions, unnatural lust and perhaps even possession as Simon and Eugene discuss Buddyboy.

Synopsis:

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John and Eugene start looking at a new series: 1975’s Invisible Man starring David McCallum.

Our series beings here with a look at the pilot TV Movie from May, 1975.

Synopsis:

We start mid-story with an invisible man, Daniel Weston, sneaking into a hospital, finding the information on a plastic surgeon currently in the operating theatre, and sitting down in the gallery, watching him work.

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Dan Weston and his wife Kate are both research PhDs working on a top secret project at the KLAE Corporation.  They have spent a million and a half dollars and eight months attempting to develop a device to instantaneously teleport matter from one place to another; however, his work is a complete failure.

He does have something to show for it, though, and, although reluctant to give a demo before the process is stable, he concedes to giving a demo to the man who gets him money.  What he has developed is temporary invisibility of matter, both living and non-living.  While the process doesn’t currently last but a few hours, the potential overjoys his boss, Walter Carlson, who sees the enormous weapons potential in the process.  The military will be barfing money at them for this process.

“Hold on there a minute, Walter!  I am a principled scientist and you promised me that all my research would only be used for good, non-weapons purposes.”

“Name one.”

“Well, I can’t but… but… there MUST be something.  No military!”

Carlson backs down and promises, no military, but when he leaves the room he immediately calls the military.

Weston’s next development is a serum that can return an invisible animal to visibiliy on demand.  That night he can’t sleep, his mind racing with ideas.  He heads back into the lab and makes himself invisible.

Kate is furious with his irresponsible action but, it seems it works and Carlson is overjoyed.  With this incredible success, it’s time Dan finds out where the money has been coming from all along: the military.  Shocked, Dan refuses to do anymore work, and Carlson has the couple barred from the facility and escorted off the premises.

That night, Carlson’s assistant, Steiner, tries to make Dan see sense.  He points out that Carlson has him watched by agents and his phone tapped.  He has to play ball, but he won’t

That night, he breaks into his lab, makes himself invisible, grabs a supply of the serum and destroys the equipment, escaping into the night.  He returns to visibility, but his house has been overrun by Carlson’s people.  He takes a hotel room and calls to let Kate know he’s fine.  But he isn’t fine, for suddenly he starts to disappear again, and this time, the serum doesn’t work.

Naked and invisible, he heads out in search of his old friend Dr. Maggio, plastic surgeon.  Along the way, he tries to force a blind man to feed him and let him wait out the night indoors.  What he gets is a bullet from the feisty old blind man.

Now wounded, he finally reaches the hospital where Maggio works.  Flashback ends.

After surgery, and outside, he accosts Maggio, who had an inkling of Dan’s work.  He takes him home, tends his wounds and then devises a plan to make Dan the most amazing mask and gloves ever devised.  Wearing them it will be almost impossible to tell he is the invisible man.

First, he returns to Kate, and the disguise works until she touches his hands and face and she knows what’s he’s done.  He admits he has no choice but to go back to Carlson and ask to continue his research.  He does, but does not let Carlson know he’s invisible.  Carlson is skeptical, but will to give him a chance.

Back at the Weston home, Kate and then Dan are taken prisoner by Steiner and some fine folks he’s sold out to.  For 10 million dollars, he’s going to turn Dan over to another interested party.

On the way, Dan shucks his clothes, captures the van and he and his wife escape.  Letting his wife off to go get help, Dan appears to be killed in the car accident which also kills all the bad guys.  As the show ends, Dan reveals to Carlson and his wife that he’s alive and he’ll start work again soon – after his wife and he go back home for a little invisible on visible sexual action.

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