Future dads club

I'd previously shared that my dad met his father at the tender age of 16.  I might dive deeper into his story in a future podcast, but suffice to say, his idea of what a father's responsibilities are, did not fully align with my needs.  Keep in mind, that, there is a nagging feeling in the back of my head that tells me I'm lucky.  Call it survivors guilt, but as a child that survived a war, and was provided refuge in a western industrialized nation, largely due to the sacrifices of my parents, I should count my lucky stars.  My hierarchy of needs were met, but I still find myself with an urge to do it differently.  This will have an impact on the things I prioritize, be it career, extended family, purchases, living arrangements.   My people are nomadic due to the natural environment they inhabit. They have always sought to thrive by picking up and moving depending on the season, of which there are two.  Dry, and Wet.  As a result they became resilient, proud. Nomadic, yet fixed.  I imagine that once upon a time, someone must have asked what I think may have been a very important question.  A question so powerful, it forever changed the way they interacted with their environment.  A question that had them seek out lands that were bountiful, when the grass was no longer greener, when the earth was no longer wet, when the good times stopped. If we are already ancestors by virtue of merely existing.  If we recognize, in passing moments, behaviours, conversations, inaction, that lead to more of the same and don't ask a question, so powerful as to change the trajectory of our children's lives.  If the inter-generational trauma, is not halted, questioned, taken apart and addressed.  Then what is a good father?  Have a friend who's about to become a dad? ask them about their experience so far, let them talk. Also, let'em know to check this podcast out, and to submit any questions, or comments they may have to Future Dads Club @ gmail.com

Outside of this whole future dad thing being what my friend described as the only time you'll have "stress filled fun", one of the reasons I believe I needed to undergo this self reflective process was synthesized by a pair of voices I've recently enjoyed listening to on the "find the outside" Podcast.  On an episode where they reflect on their ancestors, Tim and Tuesday shared the idea that quote "We are already ancestors, by virtue of being alive".  That struck me as a powerful way of looking at what it is I'm trying to create, impart, share and participate in as a future dad.  One of the things that can create lasting memories is how intense the emotions are.  The more intense, the longer one remembers.  So taking stock of what may have influenced me, what memories have lingered, and what intense emotions may accompany them, might help me be a more present dad. Inshallah.   It's also heartening to know I'm in good company.  A 2015 report on Parenting in America by the Pew Research center stated that 57% of dads see fatherhood as a positive experience that is central to their identity. Care to guess what percent of moms see parenting as central to their identity? 58%.   That surprised me, until I saw the part where they found moms, more than dads, turn to family and friends for parenting advice.  19% of fathers turn to a family member who is not their spouse for parenting advice, and 8% of fathers turn to friends for parenting advice.   That makes me wonder, if almost 2/3 of men see fatherhood as central to their identity. Where is that conversation happening? In what ways is it expressed by these men.  If only 19% and 8% turn to family and friends, respectively.  Is the majority trying to go it alone? Have a friend who's about to become a dad? ask them about their experience so far, let them talk. Also, let'em know to check this podcast out, and to submit any questions, or comments they may have to Future Dads Club @ gmail.com    https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2015/12/17/2-satisfaction-time-and-support/#parenting-matters-to-overall-identity

Because so much of my partner's life energy and routines were bump centered, an inherently physically and emotionally taxing process. I initially wasn't as useful, or supportive as I could have been.  We didn't know how to communicate about our new need to divvy up this responsibility of bringing the child into the world in a way that makes sense.   One of the things I heard often, was the beautifully American way of making a directive statement in the form of a question. Do you want to buy that thing we spoke about? do you want to read that book?  It took us a while to sit down and have a good conversation about what my part in the 9 months was to be.  For instance, that looked like an increase in the share of household duties, research and logistical planning for birthing options, lining up assistance for the first weeks, not bringing sugary and fatty foods home to tempt her, encouraging physical activity, more frequent trips to the store before she got home from work, etc.   Knowing what I know now, it would have served us better if we had the needs and wants conversation early on in the pregnancy.  Not later than the 3rd or 4th month mark, because psychologically, it's just more real, and you're probably telling most friends and family at the end of the first trimester.  Also it's better have this conversation at the what are you doing phase, so it doesn't get to the do you think you want to do X phase. Having less stress is generally a good thing, it goes a lot further if there's less stress during pregnancy, so do your best to keep those cortisol levels low.  Watch out for a future episode on the link between stress and epigenetics

Wheel of life, coactive coaching.

White board markers for windows.

Personal coach, pregnancy.

I recall a story my dad told me about the first time he met his father.  He was playing football, soccer, on a dirt lot, when a man who seemed familiar walked towards him.  He squints at this man through lashes made heavy by salty sweat, and without the drama of buzzing sounds of lightsabers. Hears the man say, I'm your father.

I remember taking my phone off airplane mode and my phone buzzing a lot more than usual, it had a bunch of missed whatsapp calls and messages from my siblings, they're much younger, so if it's not on snapchat, it had to be important. I was worried, because we live oceans apart. so when I reached out, I learned it was because they had a heartfelt conversation with our dad, well past midnight, when he at some point, broke down, and cried.  They were, to say the least, shocked.  They called because it had never happened before, though they finally felt heard, they were also scared for him. To see a mask of steel, melt like butter was at once heartening, and terrifying.   My father lived a tough life, as did his father before him, and his father before him.  In his drive to be all he understood a man, and father needs to be, he wore masks, that decades later had to come apart.

Laying the ground work for what this is all going to be about. A set of short musings and mostly reflections on my struggles with being a future dad who wants to become a present dad. I don't know a lot of guys who want to talk about this in public, so I'll start by talking to myself. If you know a future dad, send them my way, I'd love to know what's going through their head.

I'm not sure I fully realized that this child was coming in to the world for most of the pregnancy. There were no changes in habits, morning sickness, or cravings in my body to make it "real". I had to feel ready, in the beginning, for this to end as quickly as it began. Because I needed to be strong for any possibility.