Gal Talk

Remember that? Does anyone still have a t-shirt or a bumper sticker from that truly embarrassing time period? A time period when, honestly, we've should've taken forty percent of all libs and put them in a ditch. What a sad couple of years for anyone paying attention and hoping someone somewhere had a plan for making the world better, because Je-sus Christ did the ball fall from our fingers into the red sweaty goo of fascistic stupidity. Practically gave the republicans every opportunity to own us, and then we thought we could come back from that by propping up the ego of a nine hundred year old praying mantis who should've hit a windshield twenty years ago and been replaced by anyone old enough to serve. I'm so glad that time period is ove... oh wait, no, that was the better time? Shit. Well, I guess the power grid is going to go out? Or whatever you fucking idiots believe

As in, like, the entire community of furries is elected to hold the office of president. Not just one or two guys in the outfits, but the entire community is running the government as a pack. And I know you might be thinking, well what if some people cynically try to become furries just so they can be president? To you I say that you're clearly not listening. You never listen to me when I'm talking to you. That's the whole point. Everyone needs to join the furry community before holding any position of power, dumbass. We're trying to make the world a better place, and so if you share that goal you need to get out to vote for anyone in a nine thousand dollar purple dog suit.

You know them, I know them. Those dreaded, horrific, tormented other people. My spine shivers when I think of those teeth gnashing, opaque eyes, rivers of drool sucked into the memory of a face. Named Mike, or Sydney ... Uggghh. Can you imagine? And I know, wait, calm down. It's expected that you would interpret me saying "other people" and assume racism is just around the corner, but let me tell you this has nothing to do with race. In America, in our culture, everyone has the same moronic hue as we stare blindly at the red sun, mouths open, anger rising, oh we just want to hit something or someone. Look at a crowd of people next time you're outside. It's somehow the same mucus morphed into multitudes, a big stinky conglomeration of others. It's gross, and I honestly don't think we can do better.

The list of people who suck ass continues to grow at an alarming rate. Every time I turn around I see another example of ass suckery, performed by the richest and most privileged members of our society. I know that like, okay, all of our presidents have been insane guys who suck ass and have that goblin itch to rape and kill, and that's honestly true for most presidents of most countries, because we reshaped humanity into feed for a consumer trough that ends with me eating a big burger that kills me - BUT, sometimes it still bothers me that... shouldn't being a president or a senator like, mean something? Isn't it weird that they're all limp wristed nazis now? And no one has much of an issue with it. Most people in total are pretending that there's no other way it could be other than the way it is right now. In fact, you're called a stupid unrealistic moron for suggesting that we have dignity, or standards, or hard rules of law that supercede norms and expectations. You're a pussy if you believe murder is wrong. Cry harder, they say, as they slurp a big gulp of fibre optic cables down their gullet that's been razor bladed with microplastics for the last fifty years. So I guess that's the answer. If you find yourself seeing people who suck ass out in the open, just curl up in a fetal position and cry harder. Or go buy a weapon of some sort. Your choice.

We all know the left has a problem, and contrary to popular belief the problem isn't rooted in our inability to formulate a true and resonating opposition party - because either we're fighting each other about petty bullshit or we're trying to find the most conservative, most vindictive and vile versions of the "flirty with fascism" right - no, the real issue with the left is anti-semitism, because most of us are so crazy to think that Palestinians are real people who shouldn't be genocided, and that's lowkey a problem. Highkey? Is that a thing? If it is then we're definitely at highkey status when it comes to being... to having issue with... genocide? Genocide is good, is what they're saying? And Jewish semitism is deeply connected to... to genocide? So saying they can't do genocide is like highkey problematic? Help me out here, pal, because I'm trying to fix my anti-semitism and I just need a little guidance on this issue of... the part where Israel is doing a tremendous amount of horrifying crimes...

This is unfortunately what Trump does to you, and I assume is why all those mouth breathers voted for him a second time and are now confused about why literally everything is worse - even that, did you see it? That whole sentence was some Jon Stewart Daily Show "I'm mad about hypocrisy" bullshit. This isn't who I want to be, this isn't my divine purpose. I'm supposed to be screaming from the sidewalk about how poetry is now a dead art form, and movies despite (or due to) unlimited funding and technology have lost everything magical about filming and assembling a fictional world for the purpose of penetrating hearts and minds, and, and, what The Fuck is Marlon James doing? Why is every book he writes called a modern masterpiece before anyone has even had a chance to read it? I get that he likes writing in dialect but... I mean that can't be the reason something is good. People are so easily tricked. No one bothers to interrogate their experience anymore. See? This is what I should be talking about. Not crying all the time because I think, seriously, that the world might really be ending for real. Maybe I should try fart jokes again. That might help.

Well folks, it's been 200 episodes of Gal Talk, and you know what that means. It's officially time to kill ourselves. I'd like to say that it's been a wild ride, full of success and good times, but if we're being honest the show is exactly what it's always been, which is two people talking for over an hour with very few people listening AND THAT'S WHAT WE LIKE. All these other shows pivoted to video like a bunch of pussies, and they hired sound engineers and clips guys and blew 20k on a studio with a bunch of bullshit that always looks like a cross between a radio station and a child's bedroom. You look like shit, Barstool, and it's always been embarrassing that Dave Portnoy is alive and well. Not us. We will remain true to reality and give you a rambling, themeless hour of poor sound quality. I hope you continue to like it, I really do, but not for my sake. I'm just really worried about you.

I'm sure this is hard to believe, but the city we live in sucks my ass. But BUT wait, hold on, listen to me. Your city sucks too. We just so happen to live here and you just so happen to live there. You probably infested the city with your petty bullshit several years ago, and the once promised gentrification never happened to the neighborhoods you could afford, and the barista sex culture you thought was going to be your whole life is now looking sadder and more 30ish than ever before, and you're starting to realize this is it, I'm stuck with all these decisions I've made, all those horrible people I've fucked who I once called my friends and now have no idea who I can trust, because it turns out everyone the whole time was talking mad shit behind my back because no quirky hairstyle or fun outfit could change the underlying fact that I have no personality and never developed an honest interest in anything substantive, and the city I live in is pricing me out right around the time I'm realizing I have no interest in staying, but where to go? What suburb will take a man with a dogshit credit score and a degree from a fourth tier college in anthropology? What kind of family could I possible cobble together when I'm on a cocktail of pills to keep my hair, to keep my dick hard, to keep me from killing myself? God, are you there? Can anyone hear me? Send help

Don't even worry about it. There's like, it's like, dude. Seriously don't look up. There's nothing to see there. Ain't nobody ever had no problems as long as they keep they head down. So just continue on the beautiful journey that is your probably extremely uplifting life. What do you do? You got a job working in an office, maybe? Maybe a little work-from-home situation. Is there AI? I bet there's AI happening at your work right now. They're saying it's a permanent plug-in for your office suite? That's good. Don't look up. No, no, no, keep your head down and embrace everything that comes your way. It's kind of the opposite of manifesting, where instead of generating the world you desire through insertion of will, you simply allow everything bad that's happening continue to happen until one day you can't come back from it and it turns out you should've listened to everyone who told you something bad was going to happen. But not me. I would never tell you something bad was going to happen. I'm only here to say that you should close your eyes and breathe.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of driving through any area in Missouri or Kansas, or hey, most of the Midwest, which I consider not only Missouri to be a member of, but also the sole representative for, due to the way it embodies the true spirit of the middle of the country, where there is no real democracy, no law other than what the police decide in-that-moment, and the weather is god awful pretty much regardless of the season... but for those who haven't had the utmost pleasure of visiting, let me explain to you that all Missouri or most of the Midwest is boils down to a series of buildings just off the highway. The highway is actually The Midwest, and these sparse and embarrassing aspirations of "cities" and "towns" are just little patches of grass beside it. People from Chicago might argue with me, because they live in what could be, at face value, the only real city in the area, but don't be deceived by their self interest. It's still just a really big spot off the highway. A place where we let some glass and steel hang out until we needed it again, and for some reason a bunch of fools decided to live there, thinking they could mirror culture until it manifested as sincere. What other places should I shit on? Nebraska? What the fuck is Nebraska once you remove Springsteen? Corn? No thank you.