I forgot to bring my microphone. Does this ever happen to you? You guys seeing this, is this in the news? When you go to record a podcast at your buddy's house, and then forget the most vital piece of equipment for the task? It's embarrassing and I'm sorry. This is the one time, you get one a year, where you can say that I'm the big fat loser. Normally it's you. It's almost always you who is the big fat loser, but this week? Soak it in. It's me. I had to use a directional mic you'd expect to utilize for recording drums, or guitar, or... name another instrument. The rule of threes. So yes, it sounds a little off, but I did my best not to breathe directly into to the mic so you don't hear just how staggered and weak my airflow actually is. I'm barely alive, actually. 90% of my excellations are vape smoke and burps from all the PUSSY I ATE. Psyche. That's right, I'm back to being a winner. You're the loser again, fuck you, you no pussy getting freaks.

It's time to own up to the fact that we whites are a problem. I know, I know, I don't want to be the one who has to finally bring the hammer down on us, but I'm looking around, I'm scanning Wikipedia, and based on everything I see I think it's time to admit we're the problem. And it's getting worse. We're fatter, stinkier, stupider, and we're aging like shit. Not to mention all that crazy racist stuff we've been up to for the last... thousand years? Is it safe to say that the whites have been out of control for at least a thousand years? It's time to reign it in! No more white pride, folks. You got nothing to be proud of. Go check yourself out in the mirror. Take your shirt off. Really look deep. Still feeling that white pride? You still think America should only have you? You still think Britain is better off with only these pale, flabby, bug eyed beer chuggers? Is that a good place? Imagine going to Europe and it's only those white people standing around. I'm getting shivers down my spine just thinking about it. Give me the Indians! Get me a store run by a man wearing a turban! Let me hear the sweet sounds of Muslim worship, or whatever they're chanting about in those mosques. We gotta spice things up or it's all over. If we keep letting the whites get away with their bullshit the whole world is going to be bland, fat, and dumb, with our particular brand of polite but world-ending violence. So say it with me: Fuck Whites!

We talk about it very briefly in the episode, but I didn't really process that they made a He-Man movie. I'm not going to look at the trailer and I'm not going to learn about the plot or when it comes to theaters, but I am going to tell you right now that that stinks. That really fucking stinks, man. You should be embarrassed. I'm looking at you, Alison Brie. That's really, really fucking goddamn Embarrassing. Truly one of the saddest decisions you can make as an actor is agreeing to be in one of these movies, because you're essentially telling the world that you don't matter anymore, and potentially never mattered, because in your soul you were empty. You took the money, you put on a big nasty costume, and you recited a dogshit script written by a sad adult man about a fuck-ing cart-oon. A cartoon, I'll remind everyone, that no one gives a shit about because everyone who watched it is currently dying from colon cancer. If you disagree with me, and you think there's enough of an audience there, and hidden within this hunk of cash is justifiable merit, true honest worth, then I would advise you to go to the doctor and get your asshole checked. It isn't okay to like these things. It's not okay to still like, collect, admire, or play with actions figures, cards, or toy sets. You're an adult person who should be building things and reading books. Learn how to fire a gun, for christ sakes, or go fishing. Be someone. Live. You're still here but there's not much time left.

They're doing some wicked things to our brains, aren't they? Mostly old people, it seems. Young people are already dead, so there's no point even concerning ourselves with that. There isn't going to be a world left when it's their turn to take over and run things, so I say just let their brains go smooth from Family Guy clips and doordash. We should be treating twenty year olds like they're sick dogs. Every teenager working at a grocery store should be pampered like a labrador with bone cancer. Let them suck on the candy vapes and wear enormous silver headphones they casually bump aside when you're talking to them and they go "huh?" and that's the most their capable of saying for another hour. Words are hard, and they're meant to convey ideas anyway so why bother teaching them how language works. Ideas are done. Old people though... some of them are going to live another twenty years or more and they're getting worse and worse. Facebook has turned them all into satan worshipping pedophile apologists who think cats can talk and hawks can steal babies from porches. They're falling headfirst into their own narcissism and producing AI slop that justifies their warped views on race and equality. We have to stop them because they can't, for the life of them, stop fucking voting.

Or however you celebrate. Is that how that works? Is Pride Month kind of like Christmas, where some assholes on the internet are debating the merits of including other holidays into seasonal greetings? Is there a Jewish holiday happening in June. I bet there fucking is. There's always some bullshit happening with candles or weird stews, and we all have to pretend like it's some ancient beautiful ceremony... look, sometimes I start typing these things and I lose track of what my point is or whose side I'm taking for the sake of argument. To clarify, this is a pro-Jewish ethnicity anti-Judaism podcast. Or maybe the other way around. Which one is the Zionist one? Both? Damn... alright nevermind. This is a pro-human anti-everyone podcast with semitic undertones that are largely positive. Or it's a semiticly ambiguous podcast fixated on cost of living complaints and an exhaustion with modern culture, and if I just so happen to slipup and say something you disagree with it's not my fault because I'm mentally ill and you're actually being mean.

Changing things up around here. My normal co-host had to call in sick because I guess his butthole was too sore from the long weekend he had down at the Gay Club. I don't want to embarrass him, of course, but I will tell you the photos he sent for evidence are harrowing. It's the kind of thing you'll see that makes you rethink progressive politics. I don't even know how you fit that many objects inside yourself. But regardless, this week we have a special guest who just so happens to live with me and is obligated to do something if I start crying. The audio might be weird because her voice is quieter than mine, but as always I implore you to locate that button on the side of your phone that increases volume. When do you think Apple is getting rid of that, by the way? When will we have an iphone that has no buttons at all, and you have to pay an additional $10 a month to access control over volume and when you can turn the phone on? I can't wait. The future is so bright.

Happy Memorial Day, everyone. And you know me, I absolutely give a fuck and in 2026 I think it's important to continue with the illusion we've all been convinced of, which is that none of the wars currently happening are good but every single war before this one was necessary and the people who fought those wars are heroes that defended our democracy. And by "democracy" I mean the interests of private institutions to continue washing dirty money and tucking it into the pockets of the slimiest, gooiest, fattest pieces of hog shit you've ever seen in your life. I also despise when you're being dismissive of Memorial Day or Veteran's Day and someone moron tries to pull the "well my grandaddy died in...." Hey asshole, no one gives a fuck. Your grandaddy can suck my cock with his dead skull. He wasn't what you thought. I'm sorry he got drafted, if he did, but I don't think it was in the handbook to rape villages for a decade. Unless it was... hey, maybe that's actually why we were in Vietnam. These villages aren't going to rape themselves! Someone should write that book. I gotta go call the Seymour Hersh....

That guy sucks my ass, right? Like I know two years ago you r-word f-slur big tittty babies were frothing at the mouth because you legitimately believed Donald Trump was going to fix egg prices, because you don't know how to read and can't conceptualize time even on the basic linear mode we humans are stuck on, and I know you gave a lot of leniency to JD Vance at the offset because your mother recoiled from your touch at a very young age, but surely everyone is now on the same page of at least being able to admit that JD Vance should be sent to the place where they make hot dogs out of pig assholes. He should be dipped in a big boiling vat of cow dicks and soggy tissue they use to make ladies have big fake booties. He should be paraded around town wearing a fuck-me dog leash and his little red wiener should be squirming in the sunlight while the townspeople throw rotten tomatoes and black cabbage at his stupid, putrid, FAT pillow face. Anyway, I think gas is $40 right now, so I'm going to go fill up a big jug of it and drink it like top shelf rum.

If you're reading this, and I doubt that you are, but if you're so deranged as to click on this podcast hosted by people you don't know and will never know, then please, please understand that we maintain the right to never give a shit about you. We didn't upload last week, and normally it would be customary to issue an apology or an explanation for it, but as soon as my fingers hit the keyboard I said to myself: no, fuck you. How dare you expect things of me. Me? No one should expect anything from a man with a podcast. He's a sad, lonely creature with a microphone trying to figure out what rhymes with a slur so he can technically say something naughty. Give him no credit. Assign zero worth to his behavior. It's like getting mad at a dog in the pound, sitting behind that wire door with big eyes, acting like he isn't a bad boy. Hey, if you're such a "good boy", how come you're locked up? Dumbass.

I like that our country is run by old, stinky, fat, poopy men. And they better not change that, come 2028, when all of us are dead and gas cost $900 and no one has jobs but rent is still going up. They better still be running our classic old stinky fat poopy men, or else I won't know what to vote for to make the billionaires happy. Do you like that every time someone says billionaires shouldn't exist people react like you just downplayed the holocaust numbers? Seriously, do you like that? Do you think it's healthy to have a society that reacts to taxing Jeff Bezos like you just screamed "it was only 2 million!" Follow up question, what is wrong with those people? The ones who get all anxious when you talk about taxing rich people. What's going on inside their ant brains? I know, I know, they're just stuck in an echo chamber so words don't actually mean words to them, but still. What's literally going on inside the remaining grooves in their brain? Is it Gimme Shelter? I bet it's Gimme Shelter.