7.17.2010 - Dana Miquelle
What's the nature of healthy sexual behavior in longterm relationships (major topic of the day)
It's not just physical, but also mind & spirit
Old Notion: that there is a biological drive to sexuality of course there is. But there is so much more as it is essential to relationships.
Songs today are more about sex outside relationships
Dana wants to talk more about sex inside.
Sex is symbolic in relationship
- It indicates they also have good relationship in other parts of their lives
sex is activity loaded with meaning- it can go well or it can go wrong.
values, meanings, our history, our beliefsHow we think about sex and sexuality
- that will shape how we engage it.
what is healthy versus un-healthySpelling out unhealthy sexuality
- when someone is unwillingly being hurt more a "perversion"
- the erotic form of hatred
- Sexual rights being violated
inside/outside our comfort zone- sometimes these need to be challenged
Sexuality are individualized
- Couples build with each other
- In the beginning: observations (process of eliminations) - we establish comfort zone
When there are problems: not "if" but how is couples going to work through thatJacobus remembers "courting"
Talk about difference in conflict between intimacy and desire
maybe not as compatible as people think
- Intimacy: partner becomes familiar, getting the feeling we know them
could become conflict in creating erotic desire- there is a separateness required
Intimacy is closeness, dependeness
Eroticism is separateness, independence
We need to go through both to bring out the best of us
We need to go grow-up in the relationship - grow up as human beings - ALWAYS
- needs reflective sense of our selves
needs internal sense of our selvesStory about "the missing piece" about 2 circles
Take into consideration why LOW DESIRE
in every relationship there is low desire person and a high desire person - it sets the tone...We also need the capacity to do soViagra needed - yes/no- When relationships become stronger/safer
How do people think about intimacy and desire.
- we need 2 souls that create an erotic space.
it creates a risk of not being acceptedThe best way to improve is to work on themselves on individuals, FIRST
"Feelings" is only the beginning of the work
Tension between wanting closeness & expressing erotic desire
Attachment needs autonomy
Fusion is without separateness
Losing weight will improve sex
- don't look at outer circumstances
WE need to control ourselves- "Mating in Captivity" Esther Perel
- unlocking erotic intelligence
"Intimacy and Desire" David Schnarch- externalizing instead of internalizing
Sexual Boredom: spicing-up life