Welcome to GetBetterSoon, helping you win the game of life.
What to do if you’re Single
* Experience as a dating and relationship coach from 2019 - 2023, and starting up again now.
* Worked with men exclusively, but learned a lot about what women experience, because we have to understand the opposite sex and what they want in order to be effective.
* Also have personal experience, as I got divorced in late 2016, and need to learn how to navigate the dating marketplace.
* Field test advice
* General advice for all
* Ladies get bad advice, posts for them will be free–women typically won’t pay, and I want to help
* Man specific posts will eventually require a paid subscription to access–men need to have skin in the game!
* Before we get into it: none of this is meant to be a hot take or stir up controversy.
* I know this stuff works: 70% of my clients effectively fired me after six weeks because they didn’t need me anymore, and the other 25% got there in less than six months. They are still my friends
* This advice is meant to help! Remember, if I make observations that seem critical, keep in mind that if it doesn’t apply to you, then it’s not about you.
Section 1: Physical Fitness and Living a Healthy Lifestyle (note, if you’re happy with yourself just the way you are, wait for section 2
* We want to be the best version of ourselves–it isn’t attractive to be unhealthy
* Also, we want to generate authentic desire from our partners, right!
* One area where female dating advice is terrible: women are told, “he should love you at any size! You’re perfect just the way you are! You DESERVE a man who loves you no matter what yasssss queen!
* NO! Would you love a man no matter what, even if he was a pathetic loser who played video games all day and was unemployed? Do men deserve to have the sort of woman they desire regardless of their looks, fitness, social skills, job, etc? No, they don’t. The first thing I told my clients—again, all male—who were out of shape was: get your ass in the weight room and build muscle/lose weight. It’s the same thing I'm telling myself now: I’m too fat. I need to lose the belly and get fit before I’m going to attract the sort of women I desire.
* Tough medicine, but it’s the truth. Not liking something doesn’t mean it’s wrong. And if you’re not willing to put in the work to become more desirable, then you don’t deserve anything—regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman.
* Beyond attracting potential partners, improving your fitness also boosts your confidence, energy, and overall mood—this will make you more attractive and make dating far more enjoyable. It will also increase your life and health span, and that’s perhaps the most important reason to take this seriously.
* Now, I’m not a strength and fitness coach, but here are some basics—the rest you can surely look up or find influencers on social media to follow who can offer good advice:
* Clean up your diet: Stop eating sugar and simple carbohydrates. Fruit is fine, but candy, chocolate, ice cream, soda, rice, bread, alcohol—that stuff has to go. Fine to have the occasional cheat, but these types of foods should not be in your regular diet.
* Eat for health: Food is medicine. Focus on complex carbs, vegetables, lean meats or plant protein like tofu or tempeh, nuts, beans, legumes, and healthy fats.
* Practice intermittent fasting: Fast for 12 hours. This isn’t that hard, actually—most of it can happen while you sleep. Just have breakfast the same hour you finished dinner the night before. Easy peasy. If you’re curious about the science on why this works, check out this Rich Roll podcast.
* Strength train consistently: Lift weights 1-3 times a week, hitting all muscle groups. Here’s a great podcast to get the most out of your lifting. Be warned, it’s super broey, but Israetel describes the scientific way to maximize your time in the gym.4 Ladies, don’t worry, you won't get huge muscles like man would, because you don’t have enough testosterone to do that. They talk about this in the pod.
* Incorporate cardio: Walk, run, bike, or do HIIT workouts 2-4 times a week, the longer the duration the better.
That’s it. If you want to get more on this, there’s another great podcast with Dr. Rhonda Patrick on all things diet, health, and fitness—I’ve listened to this one like three times now. Excellent stuff!
Last point, if you really struggle with fitness and diet, but want to do better, hire a coach. It’ll mean you’re putting skin in the game, and they will provide clear guidance, support, and accountability. Kobe Bryant had a personal coach. So did Roger Federer and Serena Williams. If you need help, don’t go it alone. Hire someone to help you.
2. Meet Your Match: Find Someone Who Fits
Seek mates who are bringing roughly equal value to what you are bringing to the relationship. The number one reason people are single is that they think deserve someone who has far more value than them in the sexual marketplace. There are two problems with this:
* If you’re a man, you’re rarely, if ever, going to get a date with such a woman. And if you do, she’s not going to stick around unless your game is phenomenal.
* If you’re a woman, you might get a date, but he’s not going to stick around—a man engages in a long term relationships and/or get married when he finds someone of roughly equal value.
Think about it this way: would you want to eat shitty ice cream from 7-11 if you could get premium, locally hand-made delectable ice cream for the same price and convenience? No, you would not. Dating apps have had this effect on the game of dating and mating—people can meet anyone within whatever radius they enter into their settings. This means an attractive woman has a ton of optionality on Hinge, and she’s not going to go on a date with a guy she finds only "meh" in terms of value. Men don’t have nearly as much optionality, but they do have optionality with women of lower value than themselves. Economics 101 tells us that what is more common is less valuable—this is the concept of scarcity, and it applies to dating as well.5
Relationships are transactional. Romance and love are beautiful things, but they only happen when both people are getting what they want out of a relationship. Some people are more desirable than others. Let’s say two guys walk into a bar. One is Ryan Gosling, and the other is Wallace Shawn, and both men hit on the same woman. How many times is Wallace Shawn taking her home? Unless she’s super into very old men and a huge fan of the Princess Bride, 0% of the time. It’s inconceivable.
This isn’t good or bad—it is what it is: reality. There are plenty of people who aren’t very attractive who are incredibly happy with their partner, who is also not terrifically attractive. But because they have a similar level of value, it works—and then you get to the good stuff: the intangible connection that develops when you truly get to know and love someone. That connection strengthens the relationship tremendously. A person who is happy and in love with their partner is way less likely to stray, even if a super attractive man or woman was to make a pass at them. For example, I gained a lot of weight during my relationship with my ex, but she still loved me, even though I was objectively way less attractive—because she knew who I truly was. People can only love you for who you truly are once they get to know who you truly are, and that doesn’t happen right away.
So we have to start at the beginning, which means finding a person who has a similar level of value. What do we value?
* Looks: How pretty or handsome they are, their facial symmetry, eyes, jawline, cheekbones, etc.
* Body: Their level of fitness, plus the obvious traits we are all aware of such as a man’s size, height, and muscularity, or a woman’s shapeliness and smallness in relation to the man.
* Social skills: How a person carries themselves, speaks, and engages with others. Confidence and a sense of humor, as we know, are extremely sexy.
* Intelligence: How well educated, adaptable, and quick thinking they are.
* Physical intangibles: Body language, voice tonality, how a person uses their eyes, their smile, etc.
* Skills and abilities: Anything the person can do that makes the other person’s life better—cooking is a good example.6
All of the above are valuable to both sexes—to what degree each matters depends on our individual preferences. Where men and women diverge is that women prefer men who “have their shit together.” That means he’s employed, making decent if not good money, mature, has his own apartment or house, and has a fun and interesting lifestyle. Men prefer women who are feminine: kind, sweet, loving, and playful.7 This may sound odd to women, but as long as we’re attracted to her and she’s bringing that beautiful feminine energy, we could care less whether she’s a hair stylist or the partner of a massive law firm.8 It’s great if she is successful and has a kick-ass career, but it’s not as important to men as it is to women. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
For short term mating, people are going to mostly focus on the person’s physical value, while for long term partnerships, the other factors become more important. Physical attractiveness, however, is always going to be important, which is why the first section was about fitness and health.
Understanding your value in the dating marketplace isn’t about being harsh on yourself or others—it’s being realistic about who you're likely to connect with meaningfully. When you find someone of similar value, you build something authentic that grows stronger over time. The foundation of mutual value creates the conditions where true love and deep connection can flourish.
3. Date Like It's Your Job
If you’re single and don’t want to be, you should be going on at least one date a week, minimum. Why? Because dating is a skill and it takes practice. Learning how to engage with a person on a date so as to build attraction is difficult. The more reps you get, the more comfortable you’ll be, and like any skill, if you don’t practice regularly, the flatter your learning curve. A person will get far more proficient at a skill if they practice it for seven days in a row than if they space those same seven days out over six months.
Also, you have to give yourself lots of options. Some people might be perfectly nice and of similar value, but just not a good fit for what you’re looking for. That can happen at any stage too, whether you find out they have a lifestyle that doesn’t match your own on the first date, or you reveal you don’t want kids on the fifth, but the other person does and it’s a non-negotiable for them. I dated heavily from 2018 to 2021 before I met my ex-girlfriend, not because many of the women I dated weren’t lovely people, but because either they didn’t want a long term relationship with me, or I didn’t want one with them. It takes time to find the right fit, so we need to give ourselves lots of opportunities to meet them.
To make this sustainable:
* Budget for dating expenses—coffee dates are perfectly acceptable early on, or a drink or two after work. A walk is actually a great way to get to know someone as well. And I’ll add that a first date should only last an hour or two tops, unless you’re both on fire for each other right away—and maybe even then. There’s something to be said for leaving that pent up desire on the table. Also, whatever you choose to do, the man should plan the date and pay for it. Sorry not sorry.
* Take breaks when needed—a week off to recharge is better than dating burnout.
* Learn from each experience—keep a simple journal of what worked and what didn’t. Or at least internalize what happened. And focus on what you did, not the other person. Take control of what you can control, let the other stuff go.
Last point here: don’t flake on dates. Like, I get it if you have the flu or some valid reason not to go out, but if you make a commitment to meet someone, don’t cancel last minute if you can help it—and if you do, immediately offer another day that would work better. And if you’re flaking because you’re genuinely not interested, just tell them that or make an excuse like, “I’m not ready to date right now, sorry.”
Likewise, don’t ghost people—one of the shittiest things you can do to another person is to just disappear after a date, especially if you hooked up. It’s immature and shows a lack of character. And I get it, sometimes people don’t react well to being told you’re not interested in them, but if they send a mean text in response, just block their ass. By communicating you’re not interested, you’re learning about yourself too, because it forces you to think about why you’re not interested, and how you could meet someone more suitable in the future.
Apply the Golden Rule here: have you been flaked on or ghosted? Did you like it? My guess is no, so don’t inflict that pain on someone else.
4. Get Out and About
Go out and do fun, social things with your friends and family! Don’t rely exclusively on dating apps for your opportunities to meet people. I met my ex-girlfriend at Oktoberfest, and dated almost exclusively without using the apps from 2018–2021 before we met.9
Go out for St. Paddy’s Day and Fourth of July, attend local parades and festivals in nearby cities and towns, food and wine festivals, brewfests, Saturday Markets, farmer’s markets, concerts, sporting events, big EDM shows and music festivals, etc. Not only will you be more likely to meet people with similar interests, you’ll also be meeting them in person, where you can immediately sense whether there’s chemistry or not.
To address the elephant in the room, yes, this does mean you’re going to have to become comfortable talking to strangers you don’t know.
Guys, it is YOUR JOB TO APPROACH. Not saying women can’t, or shouldn’t, but if you look at what women say they want, it’s for the man to initiate the conversation. Now, there are things women can do to make it more likely men will approach, such as: making eye contact, smiling, or standing nearby men she finds attractive, and I’ll address that in more detail in a post upcoming, because it deserves a full explanation.
Regardless, it’s imperative to learn social skills—this will increase your value in every single facet of life, especially the game of dating and mating. That is also something I will leave for another, longer post, but I’ll give you at least one easy lead right now: “Hey, having fun today?” Pause for response—if they say something to respond to, respond in kind. Either way, the next question is: “Where are you from?” If a person reacts negatively to those questions, or doesn’t bite, wish them a nice day and move on. Easy peasy.
Rejection always stings, but remember my dudes (and the bolder ladies out there): the result of you NOT talking to the girl is the same as if she rejects you. So don’t be a pussy and go talk to her!
5. Employ Your Social Circle: Help From Friends and Family
Ask your friends and family if there are any cute, single guys or gals at work they could set you up with. Your people want to help you, so let them!10
Also, look for opportunities when hanging out with your family and friends. Are there any cute guys at the campground you’re at? Any lovely ladies at the resort AirBnB your mom and dad rented out for the week? Riding up the chairlift with other people? Make an observation they’re likely to share (the snow is awesome today), ask how their day is going, and proceed from there. Here’s a super hack if you do ski or snowboard: ride up as a single. I recently took a skiing vacation in Montana and Idaho, and when I wasn’t skiing with my buddy or ex, I met a ton of nice people—and even if they’re not single or too old or young for you, it’s a great way to practice getting comfortable talking to people you don’t already know.
There’s a lot here to get you started if you’re single, so get going! The biggest mistake people make when undertaking any endeavor is that they don’t start right away. As I mentioned in a recent post about improving decision making, once you make a decision to do something, go all in. You’ll quickly discover what you need to adjust, improve, add, or subtract to your process in achieving your goals.
Ready for Coaching?
Last point here: if you would like coaching, I’m more than happy to help. You can get in touch with me at [email protected].
For men, there is going to be a cost. When I started coaching in the past, I first offered it for free, but I found I had a bunch of dudes who weren’t really committed to doing the work, which meant we were both wasting our time. Putting money on the table gives both of us stakes in the game—it means I need to do my job to help you, and you need to do the work to implement my instruction. If you hire me, you can expect clear, actionable strategies that work with women, learn how to build confidence, and immediate feedback on your approach. My clients typically see results within 3-4 weeks of implementing my advice.
Depending on what your goals are, we’ll develop a plan and program, and then negotiate a fair price for my time and energy. I also have a ton of PDFs I can share that are tremendously helpful. To give you a baseline, my hourly charge is $100, but that is for direct time talking to me on the phone or via zoom, not for the time I spend preparing to coach you. Some guys only need an hour—some more—but if you’re interested, please reach out.
For the ladies, I’m willing to do the first few for free simply because I’ve not coached women before. For starters, we’ll implement practical strategies that work with how men actually think and behave (not how they’re “supposed” to act), as well as develop a plan to help you meet the sort of men you desire. My hope is that in working together, I will help you find success, and in turn, I will learn more about what women experience in the dating marketplace. Win-win in my book.
As always, if you have comments, questions, or places where you think I'm wrong, please post them below in the comment section!
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