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You can’t build real love on foggy truth. Today I’m working through Bell Hooks’ “All About Love” and chapter 4 on commitment. This chapter turned into a mirror for myself in which I ask, where am I asking for “out loud love” from someone else while I’m quiet, inconsistent, or even harsh with myself?

We talk about commitment as constancy, staying steady, staying loyal, and showing up with purpose. That starts with truth telling, because openness and honesty are the heartbeat of love. I share what I say I want in an ideal partner, and the uncomfortable pattern I’m trying to break: waiting for the other person to set the terms, then shapeshifting to fit. If I want integrity, trust, transparency, and a soft place to land, I have to practice those values with me first, including keeping the small promises that build self-trust.

We also dig into self-responsibility and self-esteem, borrowing from Nathaniel Branden’s “Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.” The practical takeaway is simple and challenging: set goals, identify the actions required, and check whether your behavior aligns. I tell a story about a привычный Friday night dinner and wine that didn’t feel good anymore, and how one question changes everything: does this align with my goals? The episode ends with a gut-punch reminder from Hooks: don’t expect to receive the acceptance and affirmation you’re withholding from yourself.

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A tiny lie can look harmless, but it can quietly train you to hide from yourself. We’re back with season six of 'Go Ask Sawyer', and we’re grounding this personal reset in Bell Hooks’ All About Love jumping into chapter three and the practice of honesty. I’m talking through my own “life edit” and what I’m noticing when I track patterns like screen time, thought spirals, and the ways I drift into old stories instead of moving toward what I say I want.

We get specific about what counts as lying, because it’s not always a dramatic betrayal. Sometimes it’s a half-truth, an omission, or staying silent until someone asks the exact right question. We also sit with the real reasons people lie in relationships and friendships: shame, fear of the fight, fear of being judged, or the deeper fear that telling the truth would force us to change our actions. If you’ve ever stayed longer than you should because you were hoping for the “when,” this is for you.

Then we tease apart privacy vs secrecy, using Bell Hooks’ lens: privacy can be healthy boundaries and self-knowledge, while secrecy often carries power, hiding, and misalignment. When we’re not truthful, our relationships can’t deepen, and even our bodies can start waving red flags through stress and burnout. We wrap with a weekly challenge to notice where you’re most honest, where you’re editing the truth, and what might open up if you simply let go.

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I disappeared for a while because my brain and my heart felt empty, and pretending otherwise didn’t feel honest. Between a year of deep reflection and the reality of perimenopause, I hit a point where I didn’t recognize parts of myself. The fog, the lost creativity, the no-focus days, and the constant second-guessing pushed me to get support, including HRT and therapy, and to finally say out loud: I’m tired of repeating my own patterns.

That’s where Bell Hooks comes in. I’m kicking off season six as a 13 to 14 week All About Love book study, using the preface, introduction, and chapter one to talk about what love actually is and what it isn’t. I share what it looks like when I’m more focused on being chosen than asking the question that matters most: are they right for me?

I also get practical about emotional safety and boundaries, including what happens when someone raises their voice, I shut down, and nobody feels heard. Bell Hooks and M. Scott Peck frame love as a choice, an act of will, and a set of actions like care, respect, commitment, trust, and responsibility. If you’ve ever felt lonelier with someone than you do alone, or carried resentment after betrayal, you’ll recognize the moments where self-trust breaks and how to start rebuilding it.

Listen, then come back and tell me this: is love a noun, or a verb you practice? If this resonates, subscribe, share the episode with a friend who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find the show.

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Jodi shares her journey of healing from an 18-year abusive marriage and the courage it took to rebuild her life on her own terms. Through raw conversation, she reveals how starting over multiple times taught her the power of putting herself first and recognizing her own worth independent of relationships.

• Embracing "day one, not one day" as a philosophy for starting over
• Recognizing early warning signs of controlling behavior in relationships
• How physical health problems can signal emotional trauma
• The challenge of leaving "for the kids" and why waiting rarely helps
• Healing from love bombing and manipulation patterns
• Learning to give yourself the same grace you extend to others
• The importance of asking for help from your support network
• Finding peace without needing closure from your abuser
• Trusting your gut when it tells you something isn't right

If you're struggling in a relationship or working to heal from past trauma, remember that you deserve peace and happiness. You're stronger than you think, and your worth isn't defined by anyone else.

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Today I am sharing a personal milestone: my published poetry collection titled "Love: Thoughts from Crumpled Pages"

*Dedication: to those who continue to cheer me on (in public and in private). To those who broke my heart into pieces. To me. With my deepest appreciation, thank you. 

*This collection of poems, thoughts, and ramblings has been sown together from notes, journals, crumpled pieces of paper, and 3am dreams. I am still working on loving all of me. 

1. The Shutdown - "You never realize your light went out, until you look back and all you see is darkness." Me

2. Lies - "Half a truth is often a great lie." Benjamin Franklin

3. Lost - "Now you're lost, lost in the heat of it all." Frank Ocean

4. Death of Love - "Don't break your own heart trying to fill someone else's. " Bianca Sparacino 

5. Faith - "So we live by faith and not sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7

6. Space - "The right one does not stand in your way. They make peace for you to step forward." Rupi Kaur

7. Sun and Moon - "You never know when a moment and a few sincere words, can have an impact on a life." Zig Ziglar 

8. Attached - "It takes two flints to make a fire." Louisa May Alcott

9. Maybe for Real - "Maybe the time, like every time, it is about me." Me

10. Was it Love? - "Love is when you meet someone who tells you something new about yourself." Andre Breton

11. At First - "You had me at hello." Jerry Maguire

12. Quiet Love - "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Collossians 3:14

13. I Want - "Find someone you can heal with." Young Pueblo

14. To Be Honest - "You have dug your soul out of dark, you have fought to be here, do not go back to what buried you." Bianca Sparacino

15. Turn Around - "Sometimes we go back and repeat an old mistake just so we can remember why we moved forward." Young Pueblo 

16. One Foot - "Lovers are Lunatics" - Latin saying 

17. Maybe - "Maybe this time, for the first time. Love won't hurry away. Maybe this time. Maybe this time, I'll win." - Maybe This Time 

18. Peace - "You cannot love someone into loving you if they do not." Bianca Sparacino 

19. It Starts - "Taking a moment to figure out how you really feel instead of letting old patterns decide for you is one of the most authentic things you can do." Young Pueblo 

20. She Is - "You always find it when you stop looking." - Me

21. 44 Laps 

Thank you for lending me your ears while I pour out a very vulnerable side of me. 

Stay cute, stay kind and keep dancing, even when everyone is watching.

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Justin shares his powerful journey of being adopted from Tijuana, Mexico to two white lesbian parents in rural Wisconsin and how he navigated identity, loss, and finding his authentic self. From dealing with the passing of his beloved grandparents to meeting his birth mother in a full-circle moment, his story reveals how breaking free from limiting environments leads to personal healing.

• Growing up as a Mexican adoptee in a conservative white community created a constant feeling of being unsafe outside his home
• Losing his grandparents during college sent him down a dark path before he found healthier ways to process grief
• College provided his first opportunity to remove the "mask" he'd worn and connect with diverse people who accepted him fully
• Meeting his birth mother at 21 in the same hotel where he was adopted created a profound healing experience
• Reconnecting with childhood joys like soccer helped him honor his grandparents' memory rather than staying stuck in grief
• Learning to stop chasing love and instead attract authentic relationships by staying true to himself
• Finding healing through embracing "safe discomfort" and honoring his inner child's happiness

If you're struggling with loss or identity, remember that who you were is different from who you are, which is different from who you will be. Stay cute, stay loud and keep dancing, even when everyone's watching.

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Jamie shares her healing journey from anxiety, stress, guilt, and shame, revealing how therapy helped her recognize these feelings stemmed from childhood patterns rather than personal failings.

• Growing up in a household with alcoholism where Jamie took on the caretaker role
• Learning to separate her emotions from others' through EMDR therapy
• Understanding that her value isn't tied to fixing others or making them happy
• Creating space in relationships by asking "do you want advice or just listening?"
• Facing the fear of losing relationships when stepping back from the fixer role
• Using tools like writing thoughts out and sharing vulnerably with trusted people
• Recognizing healing as an ongoing process of identifying patterns and choosing new responses

Stay cute, stay loud, maybe check out therapy, and dance even when everyone is watching.

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Beth shares her decade-long healing journey from divorce, revealing how losing her marriage helped her discover she'd never truly found herself. We explore the difference between healthy independence and over-independence, why yellow flags deserve as much attention as red ones, and how building a metaphorical toolbox helps navigate future challenges.

• Moving from blame to accountability as the first step in healing
• Losing independence before marriage and transferring dependency from twin sister to spouse 
• Starting small with solo activities to rebuild confidence and self-reliance
• Learning to wave yellow flags instead of pocketing them in relationships
• Standing up for your worth through difficult conversations
• Building an emotional toolbox for handling triggers and challenges
• Finding balance between independence and willingness to share life with someone
• Using daily gratitude journaling to end each day on a positive note

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Support the show

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Send us Fan Mail

We explore what makes healthy friendships, how they evolve over time, and why these connections are essential to our wellbeing. 

• Healthy friendships include people who cheer for you, show up when you're vulnerable, and lovingly call you out when needed
• True friends welcome you back after periods of absence without judgment
• Outgrowing friendships often happens naturally through distance rather than confrontation
• Our approach to friendship is heavily influenced by what we observed in our parents
• Friendship represents one of the most unconditional forms of love in our lives
• Deep friendships allow us to be seen and accepted through different life phases
• The isolation from missing friendship connections can significantly impact mental health
• Supporting friends should come naturally without having to be explicitly asked
• Being honest about the state of your friendships and how you show up as a friend is crucial

Let's be honest about our friends, check in with ourselves about how we show up as friends, and remember to be loud and dance even when everyone is watching.

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