In today's episode of God, Sex, and Money Raul and Vivian are joined with Alison Armstrong, a writer of many life changing books and a relationship expert. Since 1991 she has been studying men and relationships. Today we try understanding both men and women’s perspective when it comes to men going through a midlife crisis or a tunnel in their lives.
Topic: Going through a tunnel as a man can be difficult. The journey has to consist of healing, communicating, standing up and that's what men have to stand for.
(6:14) A midlife crisis is a sacred time not a terrible one. Men get made fun of because it is so misunderstood. Going through the tunnel is sacred, everyone goes through it.
(9:49) There is a certain cultural view on men that sees them as defective, broken, or that they misbehave. They are seen to not be trusted with anything precious or with delicate things. With that view on them people begin to think that the world would be a better place if it were run by women.
(10:25) Back in the day there was this impression that women had to have a man but she doesn't need him. You have to have someone but also need to be dependent on yourself and self sufficient. That was reality then.
(11:33) What if women were trying to attack men and they are on the defense? What if by trying to reveal the con-artist women think men are what they really do is just provoke men enough to see the real person they are. It's like kicking down a dog and then being surprised when getting bitten by the dog or when it ran away.
(13:45) A lot of times what's seen is women are emasculating men and they get to the point of not wanting to be in a relationship anymore and they see being single as a lot easier.
(14:05) Women are emasculating men so much that they don't realize what they are doing or even when it's happening. It's become so normal that women aren't aware of it.
(14:35) A woman who fails to put a man in his place is viewed as a slacker to other women. They think you aren't doing your part and you shouldn't allow those things to happen.
(15:19) Our culture makes us believe that men should just be given enough power to be handy, and not powerful.
(17:06) What if a man is like a Ferrari they look good, they're strong, finely tuned, well designed but they have flat tires and no gas, then it would do nothing for you. That's how we relate to the empowerment of men, not giving it. You have the looks but not the power you want.
(18:00) Women don't want to be out of control. It's an instinct to want to control what the result is and how the result is produced and that's when they disempower men. Women do the same thing to themselves and other women. What happens if in a partnership, the person who needs something is also controlling the person giving it? If you're getting everything you need is that enough power for you or do you need to control how it's given to you? Is it enough to let them give you something in the way that's empowering for them and works for them.
(20:04) You need to trust each other enough to communicate what you want but let the other person do it the way they need to. An element of partnership is accepting not to have huge expectations and having clear communication of what your partner wants from you. Don't have the expectation of being disappointed because they gave you what you wanted but in a way you weren't planning on.
(22:20) Are women resistant on having to change themselves when they see their partners have changed? Do women want to control because they want to dictate how fast their growth is? Is it wrong to assume that women are resistant with change because they don't want to be left behind.
(23:35) Human beings experience safety depending on our mental state. When we feel safe there is confidence and awareness that we are getting the best from a person. The access to being productive is being trusted and respected.
(25:29) Gathering mode is being open biologically, it allows an experience for connectivity. We feel what other people feel in that state. For women in gathering mode their safety seems to be dependent on being connected with someone. Being disconnected would be seen as being left behind and that's terrifying for women.
(26:36) When men are in this tunnel it's terrifying for both partners because it's a midlife crisis for the man and a disconnection for the woman.
(27:07) Going through the tunnel is a right of passage and only men can help themselves in that time. When men are in the tunnel they have to disconnect from everyone because no one else can help them, that's apart of the process. When women try to comfort and help them, it doesn't help because men need to figure out what is happening with themselves and how to fix it. Women a lot of times take it personally and feel like it's their faults and not their partners. But what they need to realize is it's not them. It's a journey they both need to go through.
(28:04) What happens after a man goes through the tunnel and sees the light at the end of it? After this tunnel men see what they just went through they are more open and aware of what they want. They have a higher value of appreciation for their family, business, and relationship. They want to have different standards in their relationships.
(29:13) How do you battle the gap of when a man goes through a tunnel and sees a higher purpose and wants his relationship to go to a higher level? How do you push through without invading or having to push your partner to get on board with you?
(31:57) Be clear on who you are and who you're not when you go through your tunnel you become a king. There has to be this clarity on who you are. A man's definition of success is when his external world is an expression of his internal self. When men's values are represented in the world, for a woman it's disruptive because before that place, men are much more adaptable and easy to manipulate. When you don't know who you are you have such a strong endurance in the relationship. When you are clear you can't betray yourself anymore. It's terrifying when you get everything as a woman and when that changes it’s hard to adapt to.
(36:32) How do you interact from a different perspective? Women find it nearly impossible to appreciate or value a man. Women have to appreciate and see the greatness of a man. The moment a man can see that his partner is seeing them as this new person or as who they have become then they are unstoppable. See the roots, the work, and results. Your partner has to honor the transition and honor who you were and are now.
(40:19) What if your partner refuses to appreciate the journey or doesn't see their partner as a changed person? A women believes if they can manipulate you and can get their way the man isn't strong enough to protect them. When you are being a worse version of yourself you need protecting from yourself. Men have to stand their ground because it shows your strength and it makes you feel safe.
(44:16) A lot of men don't want to stand up in their relationship because they think it's too hard or too much work. They rather make money if they can't stand up for themselves at home they rather control the business. If you can stand up to your partner and stand your ground it creates the polarity that you need, even if she doesn't get her way she will trust you.
(46:36) As human beings we are compelled to conclude responses, all of our strategy is in our conclusions because we can't live with just wondering. The conclusion makes you feel safer even if it's a negative conclusion because then you can strategize. But what happens overtime is you get a wound and you train your brain to drive into that conclusion.
(47:35) To get your partner to appreciate the journey they need healing. Healing from anything you’ve done to make them believe that you did it because there's no love, respect, or care for them. As women they believe if you felt the right way you'd act the right way.
(50:49) Men deal with the history of hurt feelings and until women are fully healed they can't appreciate or admire men because that is an expression of their hearts. A lot of thoughts women have is why their partners do what they do. They give too much credit for good intentions and too little credit for the bad intentions.
(52:16) The journey has to consist of healing, communicating, standing up and that's what men have to stand for. They have to be willing to fight for their woman and business.
Raul Villacis is a family man, entrepreneur, investor and mentor to fellow entrepreneurs. He is the founder and driving force behind the Next Level Experience. He has designed a system that helps men get The EDGE back in their lives. Through his program, they find clarity and achieve balance in their personal and professional lives. He is also a sought-after public speaker, owns his own real estate company, has held over 20 Next Level Boot Camps and has created the Inner Circle, an elite network that fosters connection and accountability amongst successful businessmen.
Raul and his wife Vivian Villacis host the God, Money & Sex podcast, a business and relationship focused discussion forum that shares insights into what it takes to be a successful businessman while maintaining balance in your intimate relationships. You can have it all and Raul is the man who can help make it happen for you.
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