Good Night

I'm guessing that just from the sound of my voice, you can tell where I'm recording this podcast. That's not a hunch, it's a guess. Because I've given you lots of hints over the years. There's a difference between a hunch and a guess. A guess has a lot of figuring out involved. A hunch just hits you. If I thought I had a shot at having my Lady Wonder Wench join me for a night of passion all those years ago based on the fact that she was smiling at me lot, twiddling with her hair, and standing very close to me that would be a good guess. That's not what happened. I took one look at her and my head exploded. That was what you could call a major league hunch. No figuring out at all.

There are bunches of important hunches in our lives that we usually don't notice. Lots of times it's because we tend to look at life through the wrong end of a telescope. For example, the stats say around a half of American marriages don't work out. That's awful. But take a closer look through the other end of that same telescope. According to that same stat, around half of American marriages DO work.

I am sitting here in my exceptionally comfortable and manly black leather poppa chair in my living room. It now has a small streaky spot on the left arm rest where I spilled a little coffee a few mornings ago. So it is now exceptional as opposed to perfect. It's like lots of you who are listening to this podcast right now...many of you are also exceptional, but you're not perfect. And that's good. Because nobody is perfect, and you are not a nobody.

I am once again sitting here in my big, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room, and let me tell you it's a lot more comfortable than the seat at gate D15 at Philadelphia airport where I was stuck a few weeks ago because of another cancelled flight. I told you a few podcasts back that the airlines are screaming for pilots because 96% of American pilots are guys, and in the last 30 years, young guys have had a 52% drop in testosterone which as you know is a key ingredient in being a guy. And although women don't have much testosterone, they have mostly estrogen which seems plentiful enough, but they aren't stepping up to fill the gap. They're not becoming pilots. And that's a major reason the airlines keep cancelling flights. Not enough pilots.

Lots of people are making sex pretty complicated these days, and God bless them too. But not me. I like the simple fact that I'm one sex and my Lady Wonder Wench is the other. I'm a simple guy. I'm a simple guy but I have some complicated parts. I also explained a few podcasts ago about my lower reptilian brain. Everybody has a lower reptilian brain, including you. Even if you're a woman. That's one of the very few things I know about women. They have a lower reptilian brain just like guys do.

Scientists say your lower reptilian brain is part of your limbic system. I like to think of mine as kind of a friendly little wee beastie. I call my wee beastie lower reptilian brain Rumplestilskin Pharfenugen. Pharf for short. In case you slept through brain surgery class, your lower reptilian brain is responsible for some of the biggest troubles you get into. Instead of being just a wee beastie, your lower reptilian brain sometimes becomes a WHEE Beastie. That's when you hear guys saying things like, "Watch this". And "Bring it…let's see what you've got…bring it" to the biggest guy in the bar. And "Hello my dear. Your place or mine?"

Please keep this podcast around for the next time you get so OUTRAGED that you're tempted to do something you'll regret. "Wind your watch" Mike said...between clenched teeth. Mike was my first flight instructor all those decades ago. His teeth were clenched because I had the plane stalled. It was pointed straight down and it was starting to spin, and I was reaching like a mad man for buttons and switches and pulling on levers...instead of THINKING.

Mike was teaching me a pilot saying that goes: "When you notice that one wing just fell off, the first thing to do is to wind your watch." It's a reminder that it's not a good idea to just throw a bunch of switches and pull a lot of levers until you take a breath, and actually understand what needs to be done...THEN DO IT.

Remembering to wind your watch is one way to break the momentum of fear, and it gives you a chance to get things back under reasoned control. It was a hard lesson well learned. Thanks Mike. Mike probably had to wind his watch at least ten times to keep from just grabbing the controls that day.

I think we're at a "Wind your watch" time in America right now. This never was, isn't now, and never will be a political podcast. I don't like politics. I mentioned a few podcasts ago, that "Politics" is a "Fortune cookie word." You can break open a fortune cookie word, and read the message inside. Break the word "Politics" apart and you get "Poli" which means many, and "Ticks" which are small blood sucking insects. In many cases the message inside the word politics fits lots of folks in Washington very well.

I am sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable black leather poppa chair in my living room...enjoying the fact that I have gotten over GROWING UP. That's a surprising statement from a guy who spent most of his life fooling around on the radio. So what made me say it? I figured out a little test for how you can tell you're getting over growing up today, and I passed it. Here's what I mean.

Can I open my own peanut butter jars? Yes. Do I really understand how my car is going to get through a tiny little tunnel way up the road ahead? Yes. Can I can buy all the toys I want...within reason? Yes. Just no personal jets. And I can recognize that even if there are nasty things under my bed, I'm not afraid to go to sleep. And speaking about being afraid, I have come to the definite conclusion that it is better to be scared than to be bored. I have far more often regretted what I didn't do than what I did do in getting over growing up.

No, no, no, no. I do not believe this report from Harvard University. I'm trying hard not to fall out of my big, manly, black leather poppa chair while I'm laughing from reading this thing. This report says "Posting views on Facebook and other social media sites delivers a powerful reward to the brain similar to the pleasure from food and sex." No, no, no guys...that may be true...but only if you have food and sex while you're wearing your fully buttoned up, tight fitting white lab coat.

There is something wrong with that study. And there are all kinds of studies like that these days. Dr. Gay Guzinski, M.D. of the American College of Obstetricians published a study just now that says, "Women who are multi orgasmic can and do remain so for their entire lives." So how does he know that? The only way he would know that for sure is if he spends way too many nights working late with his intern whose name is Desiree. It's all in the name of science...of course.

Doctors, doctors, doctors...un-button your tight fitting white lab coats and try the experiment again following Dr. Guzinski's lead. I think you will find that when you have wandered into a ladies' erogenous zone, she will often smile, purr, and writhe all at once. And I guarantee you'll notice that. Some ladies even say something in a romance language...something like "WHOOPIE."

My lower reptilian brain just went on maximum overload red alert, sitting here in my big, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room. Actually my fanny is sitting here in the chair, it was my brain that just exploded. That happens fairly frequently when I watch the day's news on TV.

It's the kicker stories at the end of the newscasts that get to me. Riots, threats of nuclear war, and another politician caught where his hand shouldn't be...maybe in a financial cookie jar, or on a lady's personal anatomy...I can deal with those things. But it's the stories at the end of the newscasts that sometimes light the fuse on my lower reptilian brain. As you probably know, they're called kickers.

Here's one from today: "A new medical report says many men are having allergic reactions to a certain brand of latex condom. The allergic reaction causes severe swelling" My lower reptilian brain keeps yelling..."So what's the problem"...a condom causes swelling. At my age that could be a benefit.

Here's another. "Young men are 4 times more likely than young women to get kidney stones." Right. More injustice. Young men get kidney stones, young women get diamonds. See what I mean? Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. "27% of Facebook users say they have checked their facebook page while using the bathroom." My lower reptilian brain keeps telling me if that percentage ever exceeds 50% we should perhaps no longer call it FACEbook.

Everybody has a lower reptilian brain. Including you. Scientists say your lower reptilian brain is part of your limbic system. I like to think of mine as kind of a friendly little wee beastie. I call my wee beastie Rumplestilskin Pfarfenugen. Pfarf for short. Pfarf causes problems for me sometimes.

My flight out of Philly just got cancelled, and I think the cancellation was caused by Sex. They claim it's due to mechanical problems, but I think the reason just might be sex.

Lots of flights these days are cancelled because of sex. It has nothing to do with something going on in the bathroom of the pilot's lounge between the hunky pilot and a sexy flight attendant. It has to do with testosterone...or the lack of it.

Testosterone is a key ingredient for guy-hood. And I think that might really be why my flight was just cancelled. Here's what I mean. 96% of the approximately 600,000 American pilots are guys. And in the last 30 years American men have had a 52% drop in testosterone. That's not a sexist statement, it's a medical statistic. The airlines are screaming for pilots. They're beginning to cancel more and more flights, because some picky-picky passengers still prefer flying in airplanes with pilots in the cockpit.

I'm sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable black leather poppa chair in my living room, trying to figure things out. Things like "Why is everybody always taking selfies these days?" Could it be that it's because nobody else is interested? What would be a completely safe security question? How about "What is the meaning of life?" If we're not supposed to have midnight snacks, how come a light comes on when you open the refrigerator door? Why should we want to save the planet? How about because this is where we keep all our stuff, including our lovers, our chocolate and our beer. What does the word MATH stand for? Could it be Mental Abuse To Humans? What kind of answer would you get if you really did ask your doctor if the advice you got from a TV commercial was right for you? If the system isn't broken, does that mean it's fixed? How can we say no to negativity? And how come there aren't many well behaved people in the history books? Give the podcast a listen.

What happened when "Lawn Tractor Man" met "Piano Man"? Something happened. This podcast was done years ago. But it was by far the most downloaded podcast of all TODAY, and there are 558 podcasts in all.

It has a story in it about NYC Police Detective Bill McGroaraty, who was a friend of mine until the bad guys got him. And there's a story about some chest thumping, sweat stained pride in having the fastest lawn tractor on the block. And there's also a story about two pilots and a woman...a story that took a lot of discipline for me to write because it hits pretty close to home. But it was published years ago.

How come after all this time, it ranked as the most downloaded podcast of all time. I don't know "Whassup" but maybe you can tell me. I'd really like to know. My email is [email protected]