Good Night

I've just had a "Peek-a-boo I see you" experience at my eye doctor's office. Peek-a-boo I see you is the only game you can't cheat at. And it's magic. Real magic. Especially the I see you part. You put your hands up over your eyes and everything disappears...except what's inside you. You catch a quick glimpse & a feeling of what's really inside yourself. No words just a few quick images and sometimes deep feelings. It's like taking a selfie of your entire universe for a moment. Then you put your hands down and the rest of the whole world suddenly re-appears, and puts you back in your place...or at least the place where you think you belong. It's like you're in control of the universe for just that moment. There are no words in there. Just some fast images and...feelings. That's why even the littlest baby instinctively understands the game and laughs. No words, just feelings. A baby laughs when you play peek-a-boo with him because what's inside him is happy. That's a natural reaction to the fact that you're paying attention to him.

I'm sitting here in my big, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room, scratching my head again. Those of us who are guys in long term relationships with someone who is estrogen enriched and has a high voice and confusing ways will understand. Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement. In the end it's best to ignore almost all the endlessly depressing small print and just click "I agree."

When you sense something has gone wrong in your relationship because you notice she is throwing your clothes out the window, and you innocently ask "what's wrong", she will often say..."nothing." So now we can understand that when a woman says "nothing" she sometimes means plenty of something. Women tend to react that way after you've told too many fart jokes at a party...or when you notice an extremely attractive and very silicone enhanced person slowly undulating down the street, and you mention how much fun it would be if breast implants came with little squeaky toys inside...better lock your windows if you do that.

Thanks for dropping in here on my podcast. I can use the company. I lost a little Louie Louie this week. If you remember how happy hearing Louie Louie used to make you, you'll understand what I mean. It was a middle finger kind of week. Almost, but thankfully not quite, a "Sounds of Silence" time.

So now, I'm sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable black leather poppa chair in my living room, trying to figure out how to get my Louie Louie back. I think I need a shot of emotional Viagra. As the jazz great B.B. King used to say, "Playing the blues makes some guys happy." Not me. The Wall Street guys would probably put it differently. They might say, "The sky is falling this week."But I know it's not, As they'd say, "It's just a slight correction."

It's been a tough week. I've been trying to get back the Gratitude Attitude that I wrote about in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. It's easy to start feeling old when you've been around for quite a while. But I've got to put the gratitude attitude back to work. So I think I'll remind you that the money they take out of your check for Social Security...they're sending it to me. Ha. That makes me feel a little better.

I'm sitting here in my big, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room, contemplating the great divide between men and women. I know a couple of really smart, pretty women who are leading lonely lives...I think un-necessarily.

In my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, there's a story about a Louie-Louie Generation lady I saw in an Applebee's bar recently. She was eyeing some guy sitting alone. She reached into her pocket book for a small perfume bottle, squirted some on her little lace hankie, slipped it into the guy's jacket pocket, smiled up at him and walked away without saying a word.

Naturally, he caught up with her and asked her what that was all about. She just said, "It looks good in your pocket." Then she asked if he went there often, and shook her head as if she couldn't hear and said, "It's noisy in here," and she leaned over toward him so she could hear his answer. The guy didn't stand a chance. That lady knew the secret.

Just ask. I've never seen a woman get turned down when she says to a guy, "Would you like to come up to my apartment?" Why don't more women ask men more often? Men are easy. Just ask...and ye shall usually receive.

Today's Headline: Heartthrob Kit Harrington, the brooding, sword-wielding hero Jon Snow in HBO's Game of Thrones, is fed up with women swooning over him, hearts throbbing like mad. Awww. Let's say it all together guys at the count of 3. 1-2-3...AAwww the poor guy. He says, "It's blatantly sexist." Yes, and I am shocked...shocked I tell you. And not the least bit jealous. Because I'm a real guy.

If you women started spreading some of that excess swooning and throbbing over Kit around to the rest of us guys we wouldn't complain like he does. Because real guys don't complain. We just soldier on...even in the face of such throbbing, festering female ferocity.

But if you're going to pitch in and throb for us too ladies, you can't start too soon. According to the Washington Post, Americans had about 33% less sex last year compared to 1990. And the smart guys in the white lab coats at the University of Pittsburgh say spending too much time on Facebook, Twitter, You Tube and Instagram seems to be the main reason.

Virtual reality is beating meat reality. Instead of "Your place or mine," It's now "Hey babe...want to peek at my password?" Maybe it's just me, but that sounds as exciting as biting into a chocolate bar that has a leaf of lettuce inside.

I am generally in favor of telling the truth. Truth is powerful. But last week I lied. I lied to Facebook. I told them my birthday was last week, they put up a notice to that effect and somewhere around 400 of you sent Happy Birthday greetings...for which I sincerely thank you...I tried to answer all of you, to tell you thanks, I didn't mean to lie to you, I only meant to lie to the Facebook computer, and I really do appreciate your good wishes. But after about 100 answers, my computer screwed up and stopped working.

There are at least 2 lessons here. Lesson #1 is, "Never let a computer know you're in a hurry." Lesson #2 is, "Never let a computer program like Facebook know all about you, because computers can't keep secrets, they'll blab to anyone who knows how to hack."

So now, I'm sitting here in my big, manly black leather poppa chair, trying to figure out which of these to believe: "He who hesitates is lost," or "Look before you leap." Common sense says they can't both be true but there's an ELEMENT of truth in both of them. It's not like, "The check is in the mail" or "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you."

Stop complaining. We can't do anything much about what is, but we can look at it differently...and we really should.

Everybody is entitled to a fantasy, right? Here's one of my favorites.

I had to kill the mouse! He had my Lady trapped on her dresser. Poor little thing. (The mouse I mean.)"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring not even..." Yeah. THAT MOUSE.

It sometimes seems like China purposely sends us stuff to assemble that just doesn't want to fit together. Is it so they can video a "Reality" show from their satellites?