Good Night

Thanks for dropping in here on my podcast. I appreciate having your company. Sometimes an actual thought hits me as I'm sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair. And like a rock with a note attached that comes crashing through your living room window, an actual thought just went smack, right on the side of my head. Ow. That hurt. Thoughts are like muscles. If you don't use them regularly they hurt when you do. But I'm a man so I can stand the pain...here's the thought: It has been too long since I've reminded you about the Louie Louie Generation. I have deprived you of the wisdom of Big Louie for too long. So to make up for my misdeeds, I'm going to give you a report right out of my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot on this podcast. The book is full of a lot of stories about my life, including burying a buddy, dealing with a mouse, and working with guys like Wolfman Jack, Don Imus and Cousin Bruce Morrow. But it also tells you about the new Louie Louie Generation. Here's part of the first chapter of Staying Happy Healthy And Hot:

Thanks for dropping in on my podcast. Glad to have you here. I'm sitting here in my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room, trying to digest a food supply crisis, caused by the closing of our favorite supermarket. Depending on how you look at it, it's either terrific or terrible. It could be terrific because the supermarket we'll be going to across the street has generally cheaper prices which I like, or it's terrible because my Lady Wonder Wench doesn't like brands of food they sell.

My Lady Wonder Wench does our food shopping because she knows and likes lots of the people who work there, she knows where everything is, and she doesn't like my approach to finding stuff in a supermarket. When I go, I usually find an attractive lady, and ask her to help me find what I'm looking for because I'm not familiar with where they keep stuff. I've found that many attractive ladies are glad to help a lost and confused Louie Louie Generation guy... and what's wrong with that? I get my shopping done faster, I get to talk with some nice ladies, and the ladies feel good about helping a nice, elderly gentleman. I think it's a win-win situation, but my Lady Wonder Wench disagrees.

It's all in how you look at it. Big Louie, the star of my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot says, "Everything depends on how you look at it. For example there are lots of TV commercials with disclaimers that say, 'real people not actors.' Aren't actors real people...he asks? And if we're always hearing about disgruntled postal workers, why don't we ever hear about gruntled postal workers? He says "It all depends on how you look at it." I agree. My Lady thinks killing spiders is a good idea. But doesn't killing spiders make the spider gene pool sneakier and more deadly? It depends on your point of view.

Thanks for dropping in on my podcast. I'm glad to have you with us. I'm sitting here in my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room, staring at the black hole on the stand over on the wall. Technically speaking, it's a big, blank, black TV screen. But it's really a big, black hole...sucking you down inside...you can feel it happening...every time you turn it on, you can feel yourself...boldly going...nowhere. Well, maybe over to the couch. I don't like going nowhere, so I don't watch much TV...just the news and some sports. From 6 to 6:30 it's amazing to watch the same stories spinning from MSNBC, to CNN, and over to Fox. The spin can get you dizzy. Then I watch the broadcast network news for the relatively non-fiction version of those same stories.

Actually, Lester, David and Scott stretch the truth too. Some of the stories they call "breaking news" were pretty well smashed up quite a while before they got broken on the air. But they never say, "Hey folks, here are some stories we broke a while ago, so full disclosure...to be honest they're kind of smashed up old news." No. They still pretend it's hot off some twitter account being sent direct from the scene. So they look like they're all out of breath from running into the studio and they tell us it's breaking news.

It's pretty neat to be sitting here in my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair again. I was sitting in a hospital bed for a couple of days this week. Don't worry. It was just kind of a glorified tummy ache. They said, "You're suffering from acid reflux." Right. Of course I was suffering from it, what else was I supposed to do with it. I didn't want to go to the hospital, but I went when my Lady Wonder Wench mentioned that my breathing was coming in short pants, and she rather emphatically pointed out it was supposed to be coming from my lungs. Actually... I was really hurting. But like most Louie Louie Generation guys, unless we are in an actual coma, have a hole about the size of a basketball in our chests and we're out of blood, we don't want anything to do with hospitals. One reason is we know a hospital bed is like a parked taxi with the meter running. Especially when you're in the expensive care unit. That's where they keep the pay bed pans. Another thing…you've really got to guard your rear end while you're walking around in one of those hospital gowns, because you're in enema country. But if you can keep your sense of humor in a hospital, you can see some funny thing. For example, there was a button on the bed with a sign that said, "Push button for nurse." I kept thinking, "Wow, that's better than the dating web-sites. Just push the button and a nurse shows up. A little like rub the magic lamp for the genie." Gotta be nice to the nurses because they call the shots.

I was sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room the other night, watching a movie called Tootsie, starring Dustin Hoffman on TV, and I couldn't resist telling my Lady Wonder Wench that Dustin's agent must have called him after he auditioned for the part, and said, "Dustin, you got the Tootsie Roll." Immediately…as soon as I said that, there was a clap of thunder, and the lights and the TV went out. It was like God was looking down at me and saying, "I didn't give you the gift of language for you to abuse it by telling jokes that bad, so Zap...here''s a power failure…have a nice day." I hate it when God shows off like that. Thunder and lightning. That's scary stuff, even for brave and manly Louie Louie Generation guys like me. Can you imagine how scary it must be for Pimple People with all their metal piercings. Some of those guys have enough metal stuck in various private places to build a multi engine car. Zap. Thunder. Lightning. I'll bet that's where some of them got the idea for those wild hair cuts. It's gotta be like sticking a wet toe in a hot socket.

They're telling me I shouldn't be sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable black leather poppa chair in my living room, and I'm not going to stand for that. The smart guys in the white lab coats are telling me that sitting is one of the worst things I can do to myself. They're implying that sitting is a reckless act of self-destruction. They say it's worse than smoking, and of course smoking kills people. I think they're a little off base with that one too. I don't think smoking is responsible for killing nearly as many people as the people who are trying to quit smoking are responsible for killing people.

I am a reasonably healthy guy. As I told you in my book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, I get up early most mornings, and I go up-down, up-down, up-down. Now the other eye lid. Then I go for a good, long, brisk, sit...here in my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room. I like sitting here.

As you know by now, Louie Louie Generation guys are the bedmates of choice of supermodels, lovely, lusty lady chief executives, and Catherine Zeta Jones look-alikes. That's because we treat our women with lots of love and lots of lovely lust, we have some pretty good life stories to tell, and many of us have paid off our nice cars and sometimes even our boats and private airplanes." I know that's true because it says it on page 2 of my book "Staying Happy Healthy And Hot." Louie Louie Generation guys know lots of things about living with women that the Pimple People guys won't bother to learn, and the Dreary Drones have long forgotten.

For example, women are smarter than men. That's why not many women marry a man because he has good legs or looks good in a sweater. We also know "There's no such thing as a hopeless romantic, because hope is the power that keeps a romance alive." And we like being romantic whether other guys approve or not. And "Bodies are much more honest than words." My Lady Wonder Wench taught me that last one with just a flash of her eyes and a small flip of her left shoulder. It was on the night when I first met her, a very long time ago. All I did was say, "Hello." If I weren't watching closely I'd have missed it. Her eyes flashed for an instant, and her left shoulder did a little flip. She couldn't possibly have done it on purpose. It happened too fast. It was an unguarded instant of truth. My God, do you women have any idea what that kind of thing can do to a man?

You know about the "Elite"...the guys who keep their personal helicopters on their yachts, which are anchored on some of their private islands, and their his and hers personal jets ready at all times to take emergency trips to those Islands, or anywhere else that's really exclusive. It's some kind of different world from the one the rest of us live in. And I love watching it un-ravel in the James Bond movies. But I'm never going there. On purpose.

I was sitting here in my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room reading a national magazine called, "The Week" when a story called "Wife Bonuses: The world of elite housewives," jumped off the page and grabbed me by the throat. It's about rich guys wives who get paid what's now calld an annual "Wife Bonus" by their Wall Street type husbands. The amount of the bonus is based on things like how well she does with the kids applications to get into the best schools and of course her own performance in the bedroom." That's a quote. "Huh, you've got to be kidding" as Big Louie says in my book "Staying Happy Healthy and Hot." As I told you, that's Big Louie's answer to any tough question...as in "If I died would you get married again?" "Was I your first sexual partner?" And I think that's the only possible answer to the question "Am I supposed to give my wife a bonus...for taking care of our kids, and for her performance in bed? Huh? You've got to be kidding.

I was a little concerned after last week's podcast in which I revealed Big Louie's All Purpose Answer to the Three Deadly Questions all women ask, because it gave guys a huge advantage. I was afraid I'd find my Lady Wonder Wench carefully reading our wedding license looking for loopholes. As smart as she is, I don't think even my Lady Wonder Wench has really come to grips with how completely basic Louie Louie Generation guys are. I doesn't matter what we're doing...giving a presidential press conference...batting in the last of the ninth, bases loaded, your team three runs down seventh game of the world series...landing an airliner with 400 people aboard during a hurricane and one engine on fire...there's a constant thought going around in our heads... Me want food. Me see woman with food. Me want woman too. It's our testosterone that does this to us.

I explained about testosterone on page 69 in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. I quote, "A guy's brain is swimming in a sea of testosterone, which gives him a deep voice, a beard, and a hand just the right size for using a TV remote. Now please remember that testosterone is a preservative. And what does a preservative do? It keeps meat and stuff from growing old and gnarly. And of course growing is another word for maturing. So naturally a brain swimming in testosterone simply cannot mature. It's not our fault. We're only guys." It doesn't matter how much trouble we know we're going to cause.

Look at Kenny Rodgers... perfectly beautiful wife, singing success...more money than he can spend...soft lovely voice on his phone one day and ZAP! The testosterone hits. JFK and Bill Clinton...in the White House for God's sake. Your testosterone hits, and before you know it the mirrors are all fogged up, the wallpaper has scratches in it, your dental caps are all over the floor, the bed is in splinters, and your mustache has come off. But it's not your fault. It's the testosterone.

Guys...I about to give you an answer that you will need many times in the tumult of your lives. It's a phrase given to me by Big Louie, the star of my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. It's the only possible answer to the three great questions that all Louie Louie Generation guys must face.

Question #1 is "Does this outfit make me look fat?" Question #2 is, "If I died would you get married again?" And great question #3 is "Was I your first sexual partner?" Guys, you will be tempted to make up your own answers to these questions, but don't.

If you are asked any one of those questions, the only survivable answer is the one Big Louie has given us. It is...listen carefully...take notes...write it down. The answer is "Hhuh? You've got to be kidding." This podcast is a brief rehearsal, because you will get hit with those three great questions.