Good Night

Why is it that females frequently flee flatulence? Actually they always do, but I wanted one more f word in there. There are several f words that get the attention of the pure and pious forces for good in the community. Flatulence is of course the most fragrant of them all.

The nick name for flatulence that rhymes with heart, is so terrible that I can't actually say it, because this podcast is carried on some radio stations, and the government is concerned about the effect that f word might have on the tender sensibilities of chil-dren. The government evidently has never spent any time listening to the conversation in a fifth grade grammar school boys bathroom.

When I was in the fifth grade, I had a dog by the name of Whistle. Any time any of my family flatulated, we blamed it on the dog. Because lots of times when flagrance hit the air it really was the dog. He was so en-flatulated we had to keep him away from open flames or he would have become the dog-gone.

We need some Gum Control laws around here. Yackata, yackata, yakata... Night and day...stupid statements from politicians, TV talking heads, and every day people beating their gums...we've got to have some gum control here.

Any time I hear the words, "Have a nice day", I get dangerous. My Lady Wonder Wench straps me down into my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room until I calm down.

I get a terrible urge to jump up and shoot a shoulder launched rocket with a soap warhead right into the gums of the "Have a nice day" sayers. I think they should be hit with a big fine or even a jail sentence, or better yet a jail paragraph.

As you very well know, people who say "Have a nice day" very seldom mean it. For most people, "Have a nice day," basically means "Go away. I'm finished with you. Now you're just bothering me. Go fall into a nest of hungry saber tooth alligators, gangsta rap singers and insurance sales people. And don't bother me again while I'm trying to tweet my twitter."

Some people make a zap when they walk into a room. Other people take a nap. It's a physical fact that our bodies run on electricity. That's what makes our brains and our muscles work. It was a real electric current all those years ago, that made a ZAP go off in both of our heads. I just said, "Hello," and my Lady Wonder Wench's eyes lit up, her left shoulder lifted a little, and a 1,000 watt smile flashed for just a moment. If there have been so many short circuits in your life that your Zapper is no longer dapper, there's a quick zip up for your Zapper in this week's podcast.

I'm so pleased with myself, as I'm sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room. I'm pleased because of my hand-some-ness. Not in the mirror. At the ends of my arms.

I remember, when I met my Lady Wonder Wench all those years ago...instantly...my ears wiggled, my eyebrows twitched and my hands made some plans. And through the years, I have taken every opportunity to use my hands some more with my Lady Wonder Wench.

She likes it when I use my hands some times, to give her feet a little massage. When you give someone you care about a massage, both the massager and the massage-ee get some of what they used to call Good Vibrations.

I have just relieved myself. No, don't jump to conclusions. I am sitting here in my big, comfortable, manly black leather poppa chair in my living room, and all is well with the world again, because I have gotten my TV back up and working and that's a much bigger relief than I thought it would be.

The satellite box broke, and I never realized how stressful my life would be without the TV. When it went out, it was a shock like when I opened the refrigerator door and found some kind of endangered species lurking there. I finally figured out that it was cheese. But it wasn't cheese when I put it in there. It changed. People are like that too. People change. Some people age like fine wine. Other people age like milk.

It's hot outside. It's so hot that you shouldn't text while you walk, because you could trip over something, fall down on the pavement, and cook to death. It's so hot, farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs. But the heat has created a convenience factor for farmers. It's so hot, their potatoes are actually cooking underground which means all they have to do is pull one out, add butter, salt, and pepper and chomp it down. But a word of caution, if you pull one of those potatoes out of the ground, be sure you use either a work glove or a pot holder...because they are hot.

I'm sitting here in my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room, watching the news on TV, and I just saw my least favorite politician blink. I love that. I love watching an idiot politician blink when he gets a question he's not expecting. Watch for that next time you're watching a news program. A blink gives a guy away. A blink and a wink are two very different things. A blink happens to you, and a wink you do on purpose.

I want to introduce you to a friend of mine by the name of Bruce Bradley. Lots of folks know about Bruce, because he was an important radio personality in New York, Boston, and St. Louis. Bruce and I worked together at the station in Boston where I met my Lady Wonder Wench. I'm going to play you a few minutes from an air check of my show one night, when Bruce decided to drop in, because I think you'll enjoy the fun.

I love "Once upon a time". This one is from my book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. Stories rule. Especially true ones like this.

Once upon a time... 4:18 AM last night to be specific. I was asleep...in the middle of a dream that seemed to have something to do with Catherine Zeta Jones. I didn't even notice my Lady Wonder Wench getting out of bed and going for a potty break. But just as Catherine Zeta was smiling seductively and introducing me to her twin sister in my dream...Lady Wonder Wench cut loose with a shriek that must have cracked windows all the way to Greg's house down the block.

Remember, "It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring." How about "Raindrops keep falling on my head." And "Rain, Rain go away...." There's something magic about a summer rain.