Good Vibes Leadership with Bernadette Smith

Summary
I spent about 15 hours on three slide decks for a training day, then handed them to my collaborators, people on my team with a different background from mine. I expected the decks to look different. What I didn’t expect was that they’d keep my concepts and have the attendees study their own team the way an outsider would, which changed how the whole room took in the ideas. This episode is about what it’s like when someone else’s perspective changes who your audience gets to be, and what happened to my ego along the way.

Takeaways

• Expect different thinking, not different packaging. Diverse perspectives can change how people experience the content, not only how it looks.
• Give people a role. Same concepts, different role, a completely different way to be in the room.
• Ego is a bruise. When a revision makes you flinch, name one thing in it that’s better than what you had before you respond.
• Anchor to the client. “Everything we’re doing is in service to the client” moves you from my draft to our work.

Good Vibe to Go: It’s WNBA Finals season, and there have been plenty of good vibes in these games. Game 5 is tonight!

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The Newsletter: This week in the newsletter, I wrote about late-night soccer in New York, free prescriptions at Walmart, the first county in the nation to pass paid parental leave, and a historic election in Brazil. Subscribe to the 5 Things Newsletter here.
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Summary
This week I’m talking about hierarchy, because it keeps coming up in our focus groups and workshops. One person told us about a manager who raged, used some nasty words, and then came back twenty minutes later to sincerely apologize. Their friend would have gone straight to HR. I walk through the two questions I use to decide what to do, how safe do I feel and is this a pattern, and a one-word move that might be easier than you think.

Takeaways

• Hierarchy changes the math. When someone signs your review, speaking up costs something different than it does with a peer.
• Grace and HR are both real choices. Neither one is wrong, and what you pick is yours.
• Two questions help you decide. How safe do I feel? Is this a pattern?
• A direct sentence can be tiny. It can be as simple as one word, like “Ouch.”

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The Newsletter: This week in the newsletter, I wrote about paid safe leave at Tesco, free tuition for Indigenous languages, and period products in stadium restrooms. Subscribe to the 5 Things Newsletter here.
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Good Vibe to Go: My friend Rhodes Perry’s new program and book, Lead Embodied.

Join thousands of readers by subscribing to the 5 Things newsletter. Enjoy some good vibes every Saturday morning. https://5thingsdei.com/

Takeaways

• "We" is a leadership tool. It is the most powerful word you have, and the easiest to use without checking who it covers.
• You don't need new vocabulary. If you're afraid of saying the wrong thing, you need one question, not a new script.
• Use the ARC Method. Ask who you mean, respect what you hear, and connect it to one small change.
• Practice in one meeting. Count your "we"s, pick one, and ask who it included.

Good Vibe to Go
Speaking of we, how about we vote together? Make it more fun by organizing a group voting party within your existing social or community network. Vote Early Day is October 24 and here's a toolkit to help you organize.

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The Newsletter: This week in the newsletter, I wrote about banking that finally listens, opera for all, a friendlier Friendly Confines, and more. Subscribe to the 5 Things Newsletter here.
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Bernadette's most vulnerable talk yet started with a mistake she made on stage. Instead of burying it, she built an entire keynote around what opens up right after the "oh crap" moment. This episode walks through the CRAP Method, her framework for recovering out loud instead of performing your way past a mistake, and makes the case that perfectionism has never actually built trust on any team.

Takeaways:

• Perfectionism isn't a flex. It never built trust on a team. Authenticity does.
• CRAP stands for something real: compassion, regulation, authenticity, and play, in that order.
• Recovery is a skill, not an instinct. Most of us were only ever taught to hide mistakes, not recover from them out loud.
• The reflection to sit with: what would change if your team saw you recover instead of just watching you perform?

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The Newsletter: This week in the newsletter, I wrote about Patagonia turning voting into a team sport, a boxing gym that actually listened, grief getting time off in Britain, and more. http://www.theequalityinstitute.com/5-things
Work with Me: https://www.bernadettesmith.com
Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@bernadettesmith

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A few years ago, my firm was asked to deliver 5,000 licenses of our micro-learning product. Hours after the email that the project was a go, I randomly read an article revealing that the company provided ICE detention facilities. I declined, and that triggered the scarcity mindset I inherited from my parents. In this episode, I talk about the sentence that makes a compromise feel okay, and the two questions I'd ask the next time you catch yourself saying it.

Takeaways:

• Catch your justification sentence. The line that makes a compromise sound okay is the one worth writing down.
• Ask what it's getting you out of. A justification usually gets you out of the hard part, so name the hard part.
• Ask what you'd tell someone else. You probably already know what you'd say to a colleague in the same spot.
• Draw your lines before the check shows up. Write down two or three things you won't do for money while nothing is on the line.

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The Newsletter: This week in the newsletter, I wrote about dyed hair and hijabs at a convenience store chain, Canada retiring an outdated rule, NYC's new public bathrooms, autism response training that helped save a toddler, and what happened when states ended subminimum wage. Subscribe to the 5 Things Newsletter here.
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On a solo kayak trip after my friends bailed, my guide Bill asked me one simple follow-up question, and my honest answer outed me to a total stranger in the middle of nowhere. I share what happened when I chose honesty over the safe answer, and what it taught me about the split-second decisions your team makes every day about how much of themselves to show you. We get into why trust doesn't just show up on its own, and how the ARC Method turns curiosity into real connection instead of an interrogation.

Takeaways

• The safe answer is a trust problem, not a courage problem. People default to vague answers when a room hasn't earned honesty yet, that's on leaders to build.
• Curiosity only works paired with respect. Ask without respect and it reads as prying, respect without ever asking and you never get anywhere real.
• One more question changes everything. The whole conversation with Bill only happened because he followed up instead of settling for the easy first answer.
• Notice your own instinct to deflect. You don't owe anyone your full story, but it's worth knowing whether you're holding back out of real caution or just habit.

Connect with Me
The Newsletter: This week in the newsletter, I wrote about a historic cathedral dean, the first Black woman to own an MLB team, an all-women-designed building in Toronto, and more. Subscribe to the 5 Things Newsletter here: https://theequalityinstitute.com/5-things
Work with Me: Let's talk: https://bernadettesmith.com
Watch 5 Things on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@bernadettesmith

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A conversation with a pickleball friend leads Bernadette to a memoir that reframes how she thinks about holding hard things and good things at the same time. Instead of forcing every situation into a clean, resolved story, she explores what it looks like to walk between beauty and wound without picking one. Using the ARC Method, she breaks down why leaders who can't tolerate contradiction end up either faking optimism or drowning in cynicism, and what to do instead.

Takeaways:

• Contradiction isn't a problem to solve. Two true things can exist in the same moment without one canceling out the other.
• Leaders get asked to hold both, constantly. Celebrating wins while someone struggles, defending a decision you doubt, staying honest without going cynical.
• Faking it or drowning in it both erode trust. People can tell when a leader has picked a lane instead of holding the full picture.
• ARC gives you a way through. Ask what's actually true, respect both sides as real, connect them without forcing a false resolution.

Fernando's Book: The Silence of the Gods

Connect with Me This week in the newsletter, I wrote about menopause finally getting legal protection, a chaplain poised to make history in Michigan, and Baltimore reimagining what calling 911 can do. 

📩 Newsletter: http://www.theequalityinstitute.com/5-things 🎙️ Work with Me: https://www.bernadettesmith.com 🌐 Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@bernadettesmith

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Bernadette teaches her son to drive in a cemetery parking lot and discovers his rough braking has nothing to do with the car, and everything to do with muscle memory from racing video games. It sparks a bigger question about the habits we all bring into new roles, teams, and pressure moments without realizing it. Using the ARC Method®, Bernadette breaks down how to spot the "jarring stops" your old playbook is causing, and what to do instead.

Takeaways:

• Old habits travel with us. What worked in a past role, team, or context doesn't disappear when the context changes, it just becomes invisible to the person running on it.
• Your team feels it first. The jarring stop is usually obvious to everyone else in the car before the driver notices anything's wrong.
• Ask before you defend. When something lands rough, the move is to ask what's driving it, not to justify the habit.
• ARC gives you the sequence. Ask what's really behind the reaction, respect that it worked somewhere once, connect it to what this moment actually needs.

Connect with Me The Newsletter: This week in the newsletter, I wrote about paid parental leave finally leveling out, salary transparency, and record WNBA crowds. 📩 Newsletter: http://www.theequalityinstitute.com/5-things 🎙️ Work with Me: https://www.bernadettesmith.com 🌐 Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@bernadettesmith

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Summary:

Takeaways:

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The Newsletter: This week in the newsletter, I wrote about Jersey saying yes to trans care, the first Pride festival ever held behind bars, Marvel spotlighting disability in their comics, and more. Subscribe to the 5 Things Newsletter here.

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Most leaders think psychological safety means everyone gets along. This week, a Father's Day pickleball game with players aged 9 to 96 sparked a different idea: what if more conflict — not less — is actually the sign you're doing it right? Bernadette digs into what psychological safety really looks like, why silence on your team should worry you more than disagreement, and what leaders can do this week to make room for the real thing.

Takeaways:

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