Have you ever heard the expression It's okay to not be okay? I think we all have, I know I've said it...ALOT. I'm pretty sure that's something I've said to reassure someone when I'm okay and they're not. While very true, it's also really hard to fathom when you're the one who's not okay! I've gotta tell you-I'm not okay. There, I said it. I'm struggling. I'm having a really hard time human-ing right now.

There's always alot going on in life. The earth continues to spin perfectly regardless of my feelings and experiences. I normally do a great job at rolling with the punches. Practicing equanimity and looking at life through the eyes of love are my new baseline. Despite some external challenges I felt ready to quit vaping a week ago and let me tell you....I've been leveled mentally and emotionally.

I forgot the struggle of fighting against what my body and mind are telling me I NEED, when I know I do not. Chemical addiction is rough. Mental fog, forgetfulness, irritability, emotional rollercoasters and so much more has been my reality this past week. Me trying to control my quitting experience couldn't prevent these side effects, despite using nicotine patches as well as a zero nicotine vape replacement. My knowledge that I'll get through this was irrelevant. Knowing better doesn't help me feel better.

I've been criticized, judged, belittled, questioned and bullied relentlessly this week. By myself. I've been so hateful to myself for struggling, for being new at things I'm learning, for being emotional, for not being perfect. I would never treat someone I love that way. So, when the thoughts about myself come in I ask myself if I'd talk to Candy that way, or my mom, or anyone-and the answer is always HELL NO!!

If you're quitting something, struggling or just having an overall hard time and you're not OK, I'm here to remind you that it's ok, and you can start by treating yourself like someone you love. Loving kindness and compassion can be our self prescribed medicine.

Calling all my current and former people-pleasers!!! How do you feel at the thought of being the "bad guy" in other people's eyes? Do you recoil and cringe at the thought? I did. I sometimes still do. The thought of my side of the story not being heard before an opinion is formed about me is uncomfortable. Speaking the unwelcome or inconvenient truth makes me squirm. My fight or flight is triggered and I often choose to avoid saying anything that would make people dislike me.

Here's the problem with that...I stay squirming and uncomfortable. When I choose to hold things in or attempt to people please I abandon myself. Everytime. I tell myself that you can't be trusted with the truth, or even worse-that I can't. When I do that I tell myself that my value and integrity aren't as important as your opinion of me. I'm done with that.

Welcome to my "bad guy" era. I am stepping into a new phase of life. I'm now willing to let people think what they choose without trying to convince them otherwise. I'm not convincing people that I'm right, I'm not oversharing, overexplaining or overextending. How you receive me is not up to me. I've realized that I have values, that they are important to me, and that some people won't understand that. I'm willing to be misunderstood. I'm willing to be disliked if it means being honest and living in my truth.

Being kind doesn't always mean being nice. Sometimes the kind thing is the truth and sometimes the truth isn't pretty or nice. Sometimes the truth hurts. But the truth is always the right answer. I'm not talking about BRUTAL honesty. I'm talking about leading with love. Loving someone enough to say the hard things. I've had a hard time with this but a new era has dawned. I'm so thankful you're along for the ride!!

When I first got sober I had no clue how I was going to get through a day without drinking after detox. I didn't know how I was going to get through a bartending shift either. I was TERRIFIED. One thing I did know was that I wasn't going to be ashamed or embarrassed of my decision to stop drinking-just like I had no shame in my drinking/shit-show game.

I told everyone I quit. Not to brag. Not to explain away my previous behavior. It created both a support system as well as a safety net. My regulars knew I wasn't drinking. They'd ask about my day count and cheer me on (mostly). My bosses definitely knew. I needed to be able to explain why a normal situation felt completely unmanageable without my emotional support vodka. All the bartenders at the bars I went to knew. I didn't want any places where I could hide and pretend I wasn't on the most intense emotional ride of my life. In short, I told EVERYONE. Anyone who'd listen. I'd answer questions. I'd share what I was going through. I was an over-emotional open book.

Here's what that did...it built up my confidence in myself. I continued to say-I Quit, I Don't Drink Anymore, I'm Sober, I'm In Recovery, I'm on Day....I was telling myself each time I told someone else. And it was the truth!! I have never been anonymous because people need to know that there is another way. I needed to know. I'm here shining this light into the dark and letting you know-there's nothing shameful about recovery!! It's not embarrassing. You're not a quitter. You absolutely can get through this!!

I wanted to call this episode I'm not an asshole-I'm just overwhelmed but....ya know-the algorithm...Are you overwhelmed? Stressed? Doing too much? I know I am, and I know I'm not the only one. Between work, relationships/friendships, schedules, money, health, the news-the list could go on forever! It's been years since I've regularly watched the news, but even 10 minutes of it leaves me feeling heavy! So there are endless causes of overwhelm, which result in burnout, anger, fear, frustration, sadness, short tempers, harsh words and many other unpleasant consequences.

So are we bound to this feeling and experience? Are we assholes throwing tantrums? Is this just the way it is, or is there something we can do about it? In this episode I share my strategies to cope with and unload the weight of the world on my shoulders. Some of them include figuring out why I'm overwhelmed and looking at what I'm trying to control, accepting and acknowledging how I'm feeling, practicing mindfulness and meditation as well as doing less. This episode is packed with tools to unload your unnecessary burdens TODAY!

Why write my own eulogy? I have no plans to leave this planet anytime soon, but I am keenly aware that it IS inevitable. There will come a day I will no longer be here, so I wonder...What will I be remembered for? What will be my life's legacy? Matthew McConaughey said we're writing our resume for our eulogy right now with our present words and actions and it got me thinking...What would mine be? What has my story been up to this point? Do I love it? Is it true? Is it what I want it to be? What do I want it to be from here?

I agree with Matty-we should all think about what our eulogy will be-so I took a couple hours and I wrote mine. I encourage you to do the same. I included family, education, career, hobbies and special interests and special accomplishments. I looked at the parts I don't "love". I let myself be proud of the things I have accomplished.

Then I wondered, What do I want this to look like in another 20 years? What would I regret not going after or including in my life's work? What does my heart long to do that I haven't applied myself to yet? I'm going to write my future eulogy and see how that looks different.

What does this have to do with recovery? I'm glad I asked...it gives you an opportunity to look at milestones reached, chapters closed and opened. It's good evidence of your ability to get through 100% of the struggles and obstacles you face. It reminds you of your ability to rebuild, overcome and start again. You've got this!

Do you struggle with self doubt? I think it's safe to say we all have from time to time. But what about that big quiet self-doubt that lives in your head and plays the same old story on repeat day after day, year after year??? I think you know what I'm talking about. It tells you "you can't start the business", "you're too old to go back to school", "other people are much more qualified than you are", "no one will listen if I start a podcast" or my person (least) favorite-"Bartending is the only way I can afford to pay my bills". You know the story that lives in you.

What about the dream that the doubt stifles? What does that look like? What would that feel like if you took the crazy chance and started today anyway? Would you wake up excited to go to work, or learn or create? How would your relationships improve if you GOT to do what you wanted instead of doing what you HAVE to do? Can you picture your quality of life in general without the dark cloud of self-doubt telling you why you can't have that? I can and it's a beautiful picture!!

Self-doubt isn't pointless...on the outside it's actually keeping you safe. It's keeping you comfortable. It's fear. The unknown is TERRIFYING. The idea of unlimited possibilities sounds amazing in theory, but in reality, it's downright scary. If I can do anything, go anywhere and be any version of myself I choose, what if I fail? What if I don't get to where I want to be? What if I let people down?

Here's a better question-what if you stay the same? Are you working toward where you want to be in a week? What about if a month? Do you want to be here in a year? What about 5 years? 10? If you're not working on your goals, you're going to keep getting what you have. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you start today, by next week-you're a week in, stead of on the fence peering into what could be. I believe in you. I believe in me. Just start. You're self-doubt is lying to you. It's time to be all you can be sweetheart.

I've learned a whole lot in the last 1000 days without a drink or drug!! I wanted to list 1000 things but...that would take awhile. Here I share the main points that come to mind. I made a decision. I stuck to it. I made it the most important thing in my whole world. It led me to a relationship with God. Contact with a higher power changed the game. I went from believing to KNOWING that the Universe has my back. Spirit is in fact guiding me. I have the Source of all creation coursing through me and guiding me as intuition when I slow down enough to listen. I learned to trust myself. I learned to say NO. I learned to mean it. I learned to set boundaries and enforce them not with brute strength, but with loving kindness for myself first. I embraced kindness as a way to cope. I embraced the work as a way of life and a design for living. I found a support system, defined it and used it when I needed support. I take extra special care of my mental and emotional well being. I pursue my purpose and passion daily. I practice gratitude and appreciation for my life all day everyday. I offer advice, support and coaching to others that want to change whenever possible-and I also still learn the hard way that consequences and pain are what led me to the willingness to change-and I need to give others the opportunity to find their own gift of desperation instead of attempting to save and rescue. I choose softness over survival. I never fail because I refuse to stay down. I get to live a beautiful magic filled life and it all started with the decision to put down the drink. One moment at a time, one day at a time, one week, one month, year, 2 years and today-1000 days!! It just keeps getting better. I love who I am and the life I'm so blessed to live. We do recover. It works if you work it. You're worth it. It's worth it. There's no wrong way to recover. Change your thoughts, change your life.

This is the final episode of our Sober Summer Series!! What's the difference between sobriety and recovery? Aren't they the same thing? I used to think so...but they are very different indeed. Sobriety is only the beginning-abstinence from a harmful or addictive substance or behavior. Living a life free of alcohol or substance abuse. That's a great start, but what is recovery? For me, recovery means FREEDOM. Freedom from the desire, compulsion, obsession, behaviors, seeking, escaping, misery and destruction. Recovery is defined as: a return to a normal state of health, mind or strength (whatever "normal" is), the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost. Both of those ring true to me. Recovery is getting yourSELF back. Not to the way you were before, but the you that you always had the potential to be. You don't have to be sober to get started in recovery. You can start where you are and find your very own way through and out of the suffering. No one can make you, or do it for you. But the good news is-when you really want it-we're here waiting to welcome you!! Recovery gave me a life better than any life I could've prayed for and with it-ANYTHING is possible!! We do recover!

I did a home workout today! Why does that matter? Because I've been wanting to start for quite awhile. I've been saving workouts. I've cleared my space. I have delicious healthy food ready to be prepped. But I haven't taken any actual action. This can be similar to entering recovery. You think about it, read about, but you just don't find a good time to get going. It's similar in alot of ways actually.

Throughout my 20's fitness was my passion. I entered competitions, boxed, ran a 1/2 marathon and trained jiu jitsu. I read articles, had inspo pics all around my space, made friends with similar goals and interests and went all in (when I wasn't getting blackout drunk, of course).

Eventually drinking took the front seat and my motivation dwindled. I got farther and farther away from fitness and comfier in my comfort zone. Now that I'm sober and feeling happy and healthy mentally and emotionally, the pull to feel good physically is getting louder by the day. I've maintained a slim shape into my late 30's despite eating WHATEVER I want WHENEVER I want it. I'm thankful for that. But I don't feel good. I know I'm not taking care of my body. And I'm ready to do something about it. Join me as I sing my song of recovery-today-I'm recovering my physical health!