Grown Woman Stuff with Julee Jonez

Hey, sis! I know it’s been a minute and I told you I wasn’t too sure what I’d be doing on here for 2024. Well, chile what started off as a radio interview on intimacy took a turn into a short podcast on intimacy, just in time for Valentine’s Day. 

Let me rewind to how we even got to the radio interview.

Now, many of you know I have not been delivered from reality television. I try but it’s a weakness! But this past season on OWN’s Love & Marriage Huntsville, the issue of sex, intimacy and even “faking it” was a recurring theme.

We know Kimmie’s cancer treatment killed her libido and she admitted to faking it, simply to take one for the team. Her husband Maurice kept saying “it was a mind thing” and felt some type of way. I had to side-eye the brother because she survived cancer! Dude. Be glad she was even willing to even try and have sexual relations with you! 

Then we have Melody and Martell.  If you watch the show, you know his infidelity and fathering a child outside their marriage led to their demise. Honey, Melody let it be known she never had an orgasm during their marriage, thus faking it, too. 

But we’re not done. Carlos King - being a tad messy- asked Tisha if she ever faked it during the reunion and she admitted she has as well. However, none of this is unusual about women and “The Big O”. Here are a few statistics from Pleasurebetter.com:

So none of the women on #LAMH are alone. But should you fake it? Is your pleasure up to you or your partner?  Is sex only about reaching the mountaintop? How important is intimacy beyond the bedroom? Could other issues such as a lack of communication lead to lackluster lovemaking? These are some questions I had to call in a professional to address.

We’re talking to a regular of the podcast, Aleisha Olatunde. She is both a Christian therapist (Whole You Therapy) and sex coach (Whole Intimacy, LLC). So lean in as we chop it up about the barriers to true intimacy, changes in both men and women that can impact their libido, how do you resolve sexual challenges and more. 

Hey, sis! Long time, no talk. I took a summer sabbatical, which wasn’t intended to go beyond September. But I’m back today with a special pop-up episode. As we go into another year, let’s not just examine our financial, physical or career goals. Albeit those are important, we also need to look at other areas of our lives. 

Mental health. 

Prioritizing our time. 

Making rest a necessity.

 Implementing self-care.

And assessing the health of our relationships. Yes, we need #RelationshipGoals.

Not the ones celebrated on IG or celeb couples folks long to emulate. I’m talking about making the decision to evaluate the quality of relationships with those around us. Whether it’s romantically, among friends, in the workplace, within a membership organization, unhealthy relationships can exist in various spaces. A recent buzzword regarding these types of interactions is “toxic”. One definition from Merriam-Webster describes toxic as “extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful.” 

And toxic behavior is harmful to one’s well-being; it can be a form of emotional abuse. 

While there may not be bruises on the body, there is hurt beyond the surface. Whether if it’s derogatory language, stonewalling or gas lighting, these actions within the confinement of a relationship is damaging  to the person on the receiving end.

In this episode, we chop it up with Licensed Marriage Family Therapist, Nadirah Habeebullah. She is the owner of Healing Our Trauma, which specializes in trauma and attachment therapy services. We discuss the signs of toxic relationships, how to identify harmful patterns, the impact of emotional trauma and more. 

So lean in for “Sis, it's Toxic: Identifying Unhealthy and Abusive Relationships.” 

Hey sis! Welcome to this week’s episode of Grown Woman Stuff with Julee Jonez. Today’s chat is not for the pearl-clutchers. Again, we discuss marriage and sex, but with some added spice.

Let me lay the groundwork.

Growing up in the church when it came to sex, all I heard was wait until marriage. When I got grown and married, it was addressed as a task for wives to be sexually submissive spouse pleasers. The onus of a happy sex life was on the wife, with no pleasure responsibility put on the husband. Yes, verses like 1 Corinthians 7:4 seemed to equal things out, saying each other’s body belongs to their spouse. Yet, presenters of the message didn't paint a romantic picture! It was conveyed as duty versus delight.

But there were other missing components. The discussion of couples abstaining from sex only to pray and fast; not taking into account the wife may be going through some things, such as postpartum, perimenopause or stress. Or maybe conflict was the culprit affecting a spouse's libido. The conversations weren’t nuanced and very checklist-like. If you present sex for a woman to check off on her “Good Wife Duty List” that takes the sexy out of it!

But finding resources and a circle of like-minded married Christian women who know their sexual agency is both powerful and helpful. Women who are transparent - and trustworthy - having intimate conversations with their sisters can be safe places for fellow wives. They can also mentor those who desire to be married, preparing them for what's ahead. Another bonus? Wives who discuss the struggles and obstacles when it comes to sex lets others realize they aren't alone. This is why we’re having a conversation that I wish I would’ve heard during my younger years.

Enter in Kimberly Stutson, a Certified Sexuality Coach. Kimberly, who got her start as a Bedroom Kandi consultant, now coaches couples and individuals, plus leads marriage retreats in various churches.

Yes, you read that right. In the church.

Listen in as Kimberly discusses misconceptions about marital aids/products, the biggest obstacles to women not achieving orgasm, the importance of communication about sex with your spouse and much more. This conversation is filled with laughter but also real concerns women – and even men – face when it comes to their sex life with their spouse. Kimberly addresses what I call some “for real, for real” sex stuff. If you are faint at heart or a super saint who shuns a little naughtiness – even with your spouse- you may want to sit this one out.

I say this in love. If not, lean in and glean in #MarriedAF (And Faithful) Part 2: Sexology & the Saints, with Kimberly Stutson.

**Mature/adult content advisory. No profanity or anything but definitely rated M.**

Hey sis! As we dive into today’s topic, I must share the inspiration. A few weeks ago, I finally caught the Hillsong documentary. Whew, girl. It was a lot. From the structure of power, to coverups of sexual misconduct and abuse, to volunteers being overworked and more. When I say there was so much going on behind the scenes, it was. (I won’t even get into Brian Houston, the founder and his daddy, sis. Not today.) But a big focal point of the piece was former pastor, Carl Lantz. With his dynamic speaking, charismatic personality, an appearance that is more relatable to “the culture” than what you may see in a traditional church, I can see why many were drawn to him. Lantz was dubbed a “celebrity pastor”, who baptized Justin Bieber and Kevin Durant. Other celebs, from actors, to musicians, to athletes and reality stars often frequented his church.  However, beyond his youth and superstar appeal, there was even more to Lantz. 

Including the well-documented affair that led to his ousting. 

There was also an “inappropriate” relationship with his nanny, where his wife caught them in a compromising situation. Although she has decided to stay by her husband’s side, I am quite sure sis has some days where she low-key cursed him out in her head. Albeit he appears repentant and they are working through reconciliation, I know it has got to be tough. As I watched the story unfold, it made me think about how do we protect our relationships from infidelity? Is it possible to cheat-proof your marriage? If a breach of trust is broken, how do you rebuild that trust? Should you even attempt to reconcile? When intimacy is lacking, what are ways to restore it? How does conflict affect sexual connection?

As I viewed the documentary, I noted something else: women being held responsible for the sexual satisfaction of their husbands. Now, the Bible says the woman’s body belongs to the husband and vice versa; so why was the onus put on the women? I hope the men got together and spoke about why foreplay starts before you enter the bedroom. If not, consider this a suggestion to pass along. Did they ever chop it up about how intimacy is beyond hot, sweaty sex?  Did they emphasize the importance of safe-guarding themselves from falling prey to sexual temptation outside their marriage? Bottom, line? On the outside looking in, it seemed like the power dynamics of the patriarchy wanted women to carry the bedroom burdens! I had moments when I was like, “Now, Jesus, what’s goin’ on up in this place?”

I had questions. A lot of them. 

So I reached out to Aleisha Olatunde, who is a Mental Health Counselor who also works in sex therapy and coaching. Previously, she and I discussed the saints and sex, including the focus on purity culture that is so prevalent in many of our faith spaces. But what about when the issue is keeping the marriage bed pure and undefiled (Hebrews 13:4)? Aleisha and I discuss ways for couples to increase the chance of having a faithful union. She is also candid on the contributing factors as to why a partner may step out - whether it’s the husband or wife. What about recovering from an affair; is it possible? Well, sis we get into that and more. So whether you’re married, divorced, engaged, dating or single, this is a conversation that is necessary when it comes to being #MarriedAF.

Married and faithful.  

Hey sis! Although it’s been a minute since we’ve chatted, I thought I’d take a break to reset, recharge and rest. After all, I made big plans to carry out for 2023! Yet, here we are at the mid-year point. And I haven’t nearly completed what is on my list.

While my vision board from last year did not come to fruition, I know why. I was simply wore out; emotionally drained. My mental health was suffering. A loved one was facing challenges that were pressing. A door I thought was opening that would enhance my career got slammed in my face. I began to feel off-kilter more often than not. Bottom line?  I did not have the capacity. 

That’s on periodt.

So vision board 2022 - with some minor adjustments - became my goals for 2023. I was ready to start the year off with a bang. By February, I’d publish my devotional. By March, I’d have my group fitness certification. In April, I’d stop eating refined sugar for 60 days.

Then life started lifin’ and again. 

I didn’t have it in me to do anything for these first six months of the year. Managing to go to work, therapy, exercise and hit up church were the biggest accomplishments I could manage. I gave myself an extra “star” when I could make dinner more than twice a week. As the vision still is in my heart - and on my board - I know I need to make a decision. So as June has arrived, I am not only readjusting my timeline but also reassessing my goals. Because maybe it’s time to get a new vision if what’s on my board isn’t from God.

Whew. That will preach to somebody.

But let’s not beat ourselves up if we haven’t done what we thought we would once the clock hit midnight on January 1. Instead, let’s really take the time to determine what our next steps should be. Which is why I am excited to speak with today’s guest, life coach Stacey Jennings. Stacey weighs in with faith-fueled inspiration on getting unstuck, dealing with distractions, how to determine if our goals align with our God-given purpose and more. So lean in, sis for this mid-year check in.

And be determined to go forward, despite any detours.

Hey sis! Welcome to the final day of Women’s History Month and the chat with our last guest in the Everyday HERstory series. In a society where women have made major contributions, we’re still fighting for many things. Issues such as equal pay, sexism, toxic patriarchal ideology and ageism still exist. We find ourselves saving our communities, families and even the nation; yet can face misogynoir. Our capabilities are questioned. We’re held to higher levels of judgement. We are often mislabeled. (You know, like when men are called “assertive” and we’re deemed aggressive. Insert eye roll.) Or maybe like me, you’ve at one time or another were called the “b” word – and the “b” was not for “brave”. Needless to say, being a woman isn’t easy. And being a Black woman in particular adds to the complexities we face on a daily basis. 

For the last few years, there’s been more perspective given to the Black and female experience. In fact, since the 2020 protests, we’ve witnessed added attention to particular subjects that impact Black women.

Bias. 

Diversity.

Equity.

Equality.

Representation.

While I am glad these topics are being brought to the forefront, there is still much more work to do. As Black women navigate through the mix, it’s important that we utilize the power of our voices to call out wrongs in order to enact change and accountability.

Even where we collect our checks. 

The racial dynamics including socialization, conflict and representation without voice is real in many work spaces. What do we do in those situations? Some feel empowered to speak without fear of retaliation or loss. But others, may not believe they have that capacity. Either way, it’s tough to navigate. While many companies tout representation, they don’t equally welcome the authentic voice of Black and brown women.

But for former local anchor Lisa Benson, the choice to use her voice both cost and rewarded her. 

In 2016, she sued her employer and its' parent company for race discrimination, alleging she was denied promotions and other job opportunities because of her race. Although Lisa did have a legal victory, choosing to litigate wasn’t an easy decision. And not everyone was ready to stand by her side. After the tumultuous experience with racism and retaliation in her former workplace, she became the Founder/CEO of Winning Truths International, LLC. Her company works in the areas of of diversity, equity, inclusion and the eradication of racial ignorance.

Lisa authored "Anchored in Bias, Fired Over White Tears”, chronicling her personal experience. While we discuss what she went through before and during her lawsuit, the conversation goes much deeper. She candidly shares how growing up around people who didn’t look like her impacted her identity and other topics: what ally ship should look like, why we need to embrace each other’s humanity regardless of skin color, race in faith spaces and more. Of course, we also talk about her stepping out as a media/DEI entrepreneur, and her advice to create an exit strategy for anyone in a toxic work environment. 

This is the perfect conversation to wrap up our month and hopefully, encourage you in your own HERstory. The road isn’t easy but as Lisa shows us, there is purpose on the other side. 

The celebration of Women’s History Month continues, sis! While we may recognize the “big” names of women who have made their mark, everyday women are making history in the spaces they occupy. With some, it's familial history - the reversing of generational patterns or building new bridges between loved ones. For others, it’s the contributions in their workplaces or in their own business. The HERstories are vast and although we may not know each one, all of them matter.

Our stories emerge as we go through life’s ups and downs. We have both victories and challenges. We experience the mountaintops and the valleys. But it’s often in the down times where we discover our resilience and are transformed. The painful seasons help us grow; pain is part of the process, my friend. We don’t look for it. We don’t welcome it. Yet, it’s a contributing factor to our story.

If you think back to when you were in those puberty years, you likely experienced some type of growing pains. Now, I didn’t ever reach a magnificent growth spurt. (I topped out at five feet by middle school.) But I recall the various pains in my body as I developed into a young woman. And as adults, pain is a part of our life and continued growth process. We can’t avoid it, but we can thrive in spite of it. We can also use the pain we face as fuel to fulfill our God-given purpose.

Today’s guest is the prime example.

Jessica McCallop-McClellan is the founder and President of Giving Hope & Help, Incorporated. Giving Hope & Help is a 501c3 nonprofit organization that supports domestic violence survivors, provides essential resources to end period poverty, offers scholarship opportunities for college bound and non-traditional students and helps cancer patients. But it was Jessica’s personal experiences with sexual assault, domestic violence, academic goals and heavy menstrual cycles that led her to create Giving Hope & Help. This conversation is inspiring as Jessica shares her testimony from her past abuse,  her exact “a-ha” moment, how a spiral notebook in her closet birthed her vision and more.

So listen in to this Everyday HERstory and get ready to be encouraged to turn your pain into purpose, sis.

March is Women's History Month, a time to acknowledge and celebrate all the contributions women are making in our culture, history, and society. This year’s theme is "Celebrating Women Who Tell Our Stories." And sis, we all have a story.

Our stories create our personal history. That history has the power to impact others around us, whether it’s a few or the masses. Someone needs the story that you have. So it’s important to speak about our experiences.

The obstacles and the blessings. 

The love and the heartbreak.

The times of celebration and the seasons of grief. 

The regret and the relief.

That’s why we’re doing a short series this month, titled “Everyday HERstory," the personal stories of a few women who have courageously sat down with me for vulnerable conversations about their journey. Women who have overcome so much and are transparent; discussing their healing processes while encouraging others along the way. They have turned their pain into purpose, letting their HERstory fuel their service to those around them.

The first guest is cosmetologist and fitness professional Rashouna Harris, owner of Champion Made Fitness. The sista is bad! She’s been beautifying women for over two decades and has been a bodybuilding figure competitor for fifteen years. But fitness is more than being a certain size or obtaining a particular look. For Rashouna, it’s a matter of wellness — mind, body and soul.

Rashouna reveals how fitness has contributed to her mental health and helps her as she navigates grief. Rashouna lost her late boyfriend/son's father in a senseless act of violence. She’s kept his own legacy of fitness at the helm but is candid about the struggle of losing someone you love. I appreciate her openness and ability to share from her place of heartbreak, while displaying perseverance. Rashouna also dives into overcoming a previous abusive marriage, dealing with her mother’s breast cancer and much more.

Sis, I’m gonna keep it real. I low-key needed some Kleenex.

This is a conversation that will tug at your heart strings but will inspire you to step out in faith to achieve your dreams. And of course, Rashouna gives helpful insight for those who want to make fitness a priority, debunking myths about women lifting weights, the problem with comparison and her latest endeavor to bring women together with KC Cuties.

As you lean in to hear Rashouna’s HERstory, remember to embrace and value your own.

Hey sis! We’re in week three of 2023 and can I be real with you? I’m already tired.

The excitement of possibilities for the year has been overridden by the hurried ending of 2022. A lack of rest. Too many distractions. Not being in the best headspace. Albeit I’m a little frustrated, I realize I have to give myself grace. While I’d love to race out the gate, making major strides on my goal list, I know timing, planning and patience are necessary. So I will breathe. Pace myself. Celebrate the small steps. But most importantly, I am taking inventory of my life. What are habits I need to change? Are there any previous goals that perhaps I need to turn aside from? As we think of goal-setting as doing “something”, what if we made a goal to let go?

We can get to a crossroad in our life where we realize everything that we thought was good may no longer serve us well. It is in that moment we must make a choice. Do we keep pursuing something that has run its’ course? Or do we make the tough choice to walk away? Are we able to release what we’re emotionally attached to? Can we truly let go of that we’ve invested in with our time, talent, finances or mental energy? In the final episode of this three-part series, #Goals2023, the topic is just that - the goal of letting go with Licensed Professional Counselor, Jessica Horne.

Jessica is the owner of From A Strong Place Telehealth. She has experience in treating depression, anxiety, grief, difficult life transitions and other emotional difficulties, using various therapy styles. Jessica and I dig into what it means to let go of a hope, desire, relationship or even a dream.

 And how that decision can impact our life for the better.

It sounds counterintuitive but sometimes we have loosen our grasp on what we’ve long held on to in order to receive a new assignment. To walk into the next phase of our life. For the chance to gain a better opportunity. As expected when making a life change, that can cause an upheaval of emotions - including grief. Jessica speaks on  the grief involved in the process,  as well as explaining when letting go is the best choice, why it isn't simply giving up and more. 

Pull alongside us sis, for a discussion that could truly impact the decisions you make in this new year.

Hey sis! I pray all is well for you, as we enter in to the second week of 2023. Are you experiencing the high of a new year? Many of us are eager as we think about the possibilities a different year can bring. Often we use the new year as a chance to reset our vision and create the goals for what we hope to accomplish. As we discussed last week, we tend to make goals that we can measure with a tangible result. Weight loss. Drinking more water. Cutting refined sugar. (I struggle with that one!) Taking a class. Saving more money. The list goes on. All of those desires are great and can contribute to our success. However, if our mental health is suffering, even if we accomplish everything on our vision board, our overall life is affected.

We are on episode number two of this three-part series, #Goals2023. In episode one, we focused on setting soul goals to nourish our innermost self. Soul care is not measurable by a particular number like weight on a scale or an event, such as a job promotion. But when our soul is well, other areas of our life become better because we are caring for the part of ourselves that is beyond the external.

It is the same with our mental health. If our mental well-being is neglected, we suffer. Depression sets in. We wrestle with anxiety. Our sleep is disrupted. We may not even attempt our goals because we lose motivation since we’re not in a good headspace. Just as we set body and money goals, we can also choose to create mental health goals.

I’m not talking about setting the goal to not be depressed or anxious this year, but planning how to address those issues and more. The intention is leaning in and actively assess what action(s) are needed to ensure our mental health is thriving. You could start by seeking the input of a doctor or psychiatrist. Another mental health goal could be to attend therapy. You may add the objective of learning coping mechanisms to help you better deal with anxiety and stress, including meditation. Setting mental health goals could include a number of things.

But at least take the first step by committing to do what is necessary to improve your mental health.

Today, we chop it up with Licensed Professional Counselor JaMeshia Sykes. She’s also a registered Yoga teacher and Anxiety Specialist. Lean in as we discuss managing our mental health, misconceptions about anxiety and other mental health disorders in the Black community, the role yoga can play in mental wellness and more.