GUARDIAN ANGEL

I’ve been feeling good about purging my demons vs post-rationalising to avoid pain. I thrive in playing a villain, but masking as a hero feels fake af. I suppose growth is not feeling the need to be either. Can I replace vapes with Yoga with Adrienne? Maybe not. I’m yearning for tension and friction - am I existential, relaxed or just bored? I’m resisting the orbs of conformity that circle me. I must reject their retiree pace at all costs.

Harry is blasting hold music over speaker phone and is sending me back to my call centre days. I was not alone! There was once upon a time when every creative I knew worked in one, committed to the Mi Goreng diet. Before being crowned with my headset, I spent the height of the MTV era selling Foxtel inside malls and at events. Now those were some wild times. I’ll always love TV, but I’ve converted to podcast supremacy. See you never Mr Murdoch!

Wedding season is officially over. I'm fragile but still standing - not bad for the matrimony grinch! The weekend shenanigans were a mash-up of BJ Novak’s ‘Vengeance’' and ‘The Blair Witch Project’, soundtracked by Enya and starring a pair of demonic cats (tbh, this is really just the story of how my slasher script 'Farm II Table’ wrote itself).

I woke up crying today because weddings make me feel emo. Maybe because I don’t want one? And even if I did, who would give a speech about me, and what could they possibly say? Perhaps this is just a symptom of my eldest daughter's curse of perpetually feeling unworthy. Boo hoo! Despite feeling offbeat, I was happy for the bride and groom and had fun at the reception. Being social does not come naturally to me, but I enjoy it. I suppose practice makes it easier, but if being an awkward girl is my identity, then why should I change?

An interview with Ethel Cain prompts me to reflect on my experience growing up around the church. While the terror of sin plagued me, it was the secrecy of sexuality that proved most curious and cursed for me. How do we identify our sexual awakening? Much like Ethel Cain, Lana Del Rey stands at the altar of the sub-dom-confused. I recall my time as an artist liaison to her in the 'Born To Die' era. The world needs pop stars, LDR forever.

Read the Ethel Cain Feature On Hero Mag: https://hero-magazine.com/article/189013/ethel-cains-music-is-an-unforgiving-portrait-of-southern-baptist-america

I’m edging between sober elitism and the self-loathing of being a former trashbag. I don’t want to be a boring loser but I can’t afford to relapse again. I have hay fever, vape woes, and there is an Oatly shortage in Byron Bay. Lord save me. My social battery is quaking in anticipation of the dual wedding long weekend that is approaching. I’ve got many thoughts about the tradition of marriage, a talking point that does not bode well against the Pinterest board fantasy I will soon be entering. A retiree bullied me yesterday for wearing a black athleisure fit on my walk. I anticipate similar callouts to happen this weekend. What’s wrong with mourning at a wedding?

I spent the ungodly hours of this morning indulging in sad country music, which led me to my first listen of Ethel Cain’s discography. I resisted the Popcast recommendation for long enough to arrive here after her debut album, which is my favourite time to discover an artist. I’m late (according to r/ethelcain) but I am still early in the grand scheme of things. I’ve been looking for an artist to fill the void I’ve felt since Spike Fuck stopped releasing music. I see that Ethel Cain mirrors my sad girl troll energy, so I can now happily submerge into the fandom waters of my newfound faith.

I’ve peeked over the edge. Flawed humans are fascinating, I suppose that includes me too. I enjoy observing the other as it reinforces the fact that I’m different. Seeing the bigger picture helps to position my politics, not skew them. Regardless, I’m not one to preach. Broadcasting subjective opinions are my truth, not a universal truth. Debate is necessary, but it’s not my purpose to convert. People change through education and literacy. How can we evolve without access? We should speak. We should also listen. I’m documenting my opinions because I never want to forget how I feel right now. I may not feel like this forever.

I'm relieved to be off-road for a moment. Despite all of the bumps, I feel relaxed. I reflect on my share house experiences in contrast to the shared house situation I find myself in. I've lived for six months without a home. I was an only child for my formative years, so sharing is a learned skill.  It wasn't easy, but living with siblings primed me for the chaos of housemates.  I had no idea what to expect when I moved out. My first share house was tragic, but it was beautiful. I wrote poetry on my typewriter, content in my ignorant bliss. Were any of those rentals ever really my home?