Gymkommentary!

Every saga has a beginning. A confusing, boring, vaguely racist beginning.



The Tale of the Tape
Film: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
Director: George Lucas
Runtime: 500 million minutes (or 136 minutes; hard to say when you're watching it)
Genre: Disgraceful Prequel
Stars: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman
Rated: PG for Sci-Fi/Action Violence, Mild Gungan Profanity, and Crimes Against a Generation's Collective Childhood.
IMDb, Wikipedia, Jake Lloyd: Ten Years After Phantom Menace

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away two men decided to embark upon a great quest: to do fan commentary tracks for all six episodes of Star Wars. We begin with The Phantom Menace, which just happens to be coming back to theaters on February 10, and in price-and-eye-gouging 3D. We here at Gymkommentary do not recommend you pay $18 to see Episode I, but if you have to, see it with us. We'll share your frustration through the interminable discussions of trade routes and taxation, and share your disgust at the slightest mention of Jar Jar Binks.

May the Force be with you Gymkommentarians. You will need it.

Go ninja go ninja go! Go ninja go ninja go! Go ninja go ninja go! Go go go go!

No seriously: GO. You suck. No, you can't have a ride home. I don't care. Take the bus or something.



The Tale of the Tape
Film: Revenge of the Ninja (1983)
Director: Sam Firstenberg
Runtime: 90 minutes
Genre: Ninja Revenge
Stars: Sho Kosugi, Keith Vitali, Throwing Stars
Rated: R for Graphic Violence, Lazy Italian and Japanese Stereotypes, Pantsless Karate Fights, and Excessive Guyliner.
IMDb, Wikipedia, Ninja Movie Reviews

To get this REVENGE OF THE NINJA GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

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As you'll hear, Chris and I are somewhat skeptical of this film's title. It's Revenge of the Ninja, and you've got Ninja Movie Hall of Famer Sho Kosugi getting revenge on the dudes who killed his family. Simple right? Wrong. The dudes who killed Sho's family are ninjas, and it looks like they're getting revenge for something too. So it's like Revenge of the Ninja on the Revenge of the Ninjas. But then it gets MORE complicated: because the Sho's business partner gets -- SPOILER ALERT! -- double crossed on a drug deal, and he's ALSO a ninja and then HE gets revenge. So it's really Revenge of the Ninja on the Ninja Who Wanted Revenge on the Ninjas Who Previously Got Revenge. I think I read somewhere that that was the original title.

Whatever you want to call it, this is another craptacular 80s flick from one of our favorite directors here at Gymkommentary, Sam Firstenberg (Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo). There are fights and more fights and then a fight on a badminton court. That's right: this commentary will rock your shuttlecocks or your money back! Since you didn't pay a dime, I'm not too worried.

A lot of the movies we cover on Gymkommentary are torture to watch. But we've never really tried doing this with something billed as torture porn. Now I don't know who killed me, but I do know what movie almost killed me:

THIS ONE.




The Tale of the Tape
Film: I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
Director: Chris Sivertson
Runtime: 105 minutes
Genre: Softcore (Torture) Porn
Stars: Lindsay Lohan, Neal McDonough, Julia Ormond, The Color Blue
Rated: R for Extremely Unappealing Slow-Motion Stripteases, Graphic Behandings, and The Most Violent Glass Blowing Enthusiast Ever.
IMDb, Wikipedia, "A Modern Masterpiece: I Know Who Killed Me"

To get this I KNOW WHO KILLED ME GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

Y'know how hack critics will go "This movie has it all!" Well I Know Who Killed Me has it none. Bad acting, atrocious dialogue, laughable plot twists, and David Lynch-lite visuals, plus it's all topped off with maybe the least sexy striptease sequences in movie history. Who watches Showgirls and thinks, "Y'know that Elizabeth Berkley really handled the transition from teen to adult parts with grace and class!"? Lindsay Lohan, that's who! So grab your psychic twin, give him or her a bouquet of blue roses, and prepare for the night of your life.

Star Trek movies. The final frontier. These are the commentary tracks of the website Gymkommentary. Its continuing mission: to make fun of terrible films, to seek out new cinematic garbage and new celluloid travesties. To boldly mock where we're pretty sure at least a couple others have mocked before.

Now just hum the TOS theme as you read through the rest of this.


The Tale of the Tape
Film: Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
Director: Robert Wise
Runtime: 136 minutes (The "Shockingly Indulgent Edition" "Director's Cut")
Genre: Slow-Moving Sci-Fi
Stars: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, All Those Other Guys From "Star Trek" Plus The Dad From "7th Heaven"
Rated: PG for Intense Phaser Violence, Graphic Kolinahr, Scenes of Masturbation (By the Special Effects Department), Crimes Against Fashion of the Future.
IMDb, Wikipedia, The Worst of Trek

To get this STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

Some people might see a movie like Star Trek: The Motion Picture and think, "This movie's boring, I wonder what's on Sleuth." I saw it and thought "This movie's boring, I gotta watch this with Chris!" And watch it we did, though I wouldn't say we were...energized? Get it? Energized? Star Trek? Eh? Eh? Eh.

Anyway if you're a fan of ponderous science-fiction with no sense of pacing, and of two goofballs doing terrible James Doohan impressions while drinking straight Coconut Jack, this movie and this Gymkommentary are for you. And if you're not, may we suggest our upcoming sci-fi reality show V'Ger-sey Shore, about a spaceship full of Gorilla Juiceheads who encounter a mysterious intelligence on the edge of space (i.e. Belmar, New Jersey).

The Gymkommentarians. They're the best there is at what they do. And what they do is watch crummy movies and make fun of them.

(OK, yes, well technically, there's a bunch of other people who are better at it, and who make a nice living doing it. But given the fact that Matt and Chris both have day jobs, significant others, and lives, and do this for free around all that other stuff, they're really not that bad at it.)

(In fact, now that I think about it, maybe they are the best there is at what they do. And what they do is watch crummy movies and make fun of them when their busy schedules and very patient loved ones allow.)

(We can all agree on that, right? I mean that's not reaching too far. I'm gonna move on.)



The Tale of the Tape
Film: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
Director: Gavin Hood
Runtime: 107 minutes
Genre: Pointless Yet Pointy Prequel
Stars: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Will.I.Am, Lynn Collins
Rated: PG-13 for Intense Sideburns, Repeated Screams of the Name "VICTOR!", Scenes Involving People Stabbing Each Other With Claws Yet Inexplicably Drawing No Blood Whatsoever
IMDb, Wikipedia, A Wolverine Fan Site That Looks Like It's The Oldest Site on the Entire Internet

To get this X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

This time on Gymkommentary, your fearless hosts get snikt attacked by one crappy comic book movie. Not even Hugh Jackman back in the role that deservedly made him a movie star, Ryan Reynolds perfectly cast as Deadpool, and a screenplay from the writer of Spike Lee's 25th Hour could salvage this mess. You don't need psychic powers to see this thing going south right from the start, with a prologue featuring that classic cliche where someone devastated by tragedy screams "NOOOOOOO!" as the camera cranes upward. Which, come to think of it, really sums up the reaction people have to X-Men Origins: Wolverine in a nutshell.

They are the two greatest actors of their generation. And in 2008, as the culmination of legendary, Academy Award-winning careers, they had their finest achievement.

And by their finest achievement I mean their most unintentionally hilarious movie of either of their careers. That's how we measure achievement around here on Gymkommentary: DIY laughs.

The Tale of the Tape
Film: Righteous Kill (2008)
Director: Jon Avnet
Runtime: 101 minutes
Genre: Geriatric Cop Thriller
Stars: Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, 50 Cent, Carla Gugino, Brian Dennehy
Rated: R for Graphic Violence, Sequences of Intense Boredom, and Weird, Sadomasochistic Sex Scenes Involving a Shirtless Robert De Niro
IMDb, Wikipedia, A Japanese Man Recreates Pacino's Speech From City Hall

To get this RIGHTEOUS KILL GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

Look, I get it. You can't feed your family, or pay your assistant's assistant's assistant, or fill up your Bentley Mulsanne's gas tank with biodiesel on indie cred and old Academy Awards. Sometimes you gotta take a job for the paycheck. But it'd be nice if you at least pretended to care about the role while you were playing it.

You can't say De Niro and Pacino phone it in in Righteous Kill. Their performances are too disinterested than that; it's more like they text it in. And when you're getting out-acted by a former New Kid on the Block, it's time to step up your game. Which is exactly what Matt and Chris did when they took on this mega-bomb. Are you righteous enough to join them?

NOTE: As of March 1st, 2010, this film is also available to watch on Netflix Instant.

Merriam-Webster defines a stabilizer as "a substance added to another substance or to a system (as an emulsion) to prevent or retard an unwanted alteration of physical state."

Merriam-Webster can go eff himself.

Wait, is Merriam-Webster two dudes or one dude with one of those hyphenated last names? Either way, he she or they can go screw. This here is one stabilizer who will NOT stabilize things. He will do the opposite of what the dictionary calls stabilization, then call it stabilization, and make you like it.

The Tale of the Tape
Film: The Stabilizer (1986)
Director: Arizal
Runtime: 90 minutes
Genre: Excessively Violent Action Movie
Stars: Peter O'Brian, Craig Gavin, Indonesian Mr. T, Gillie Beanz
Rated: Unrated for Intense, Over-the-top, Borderline Reckless Violence, Mild Buttcrack Nudity That's Actually Just a Guy's Shoulder, A Scene of Graphic Lizard Eating
IMDb, Wikipedia, The Peter O'Brian Facebook Fan Club

To get this THE STABILIZER GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

This Indonesian action classic may be our most obscure Gymkommentary subject to date, but I promise: after this movie and this commentary, you will never look at stable things the same way again. A guy who sorta looks like Rambo heads to Asia to blow the holy crap out of stabilize Jakarta, where he fights a guy who sorta looks like Mr. T and another guy who uses golf cleats as a deadly weapon. That Greg Rainmaker, he is the man we hate the most, but The Stabilizer, it is the movie we love almost as much as Gymkata.

NOTE: As of February 1st, 2010, this film is also available to watch on Netflix Instant.

Silent for much of the second half of 2009, Gymkommentary returns to kick off 2010 with a vengeance! No, we're not doing Die Hard With a Vengeance. Please stop being more clever than us. Thanks.


The Tale of the Tape
Film: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009)
Director: Ace Hannah
Runtime: 90 minutes
Genre: Ultra-Cheapo Monster Movie
Stars: Deborah "Debbie" Gibson, Lorenzo "Renegade" Lamas, Vic "I Wish I Had a Nickname" Chao
Rated: R for Science-y Sex Scenes, Blatant Misrepresentations of Military Procedure, and Lorenzo Lamas' Bad Attitude
IMDb, Wikipedia, Mega Shark Vs. Normal Sized Airplane

To get this MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

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Based on a chilling true story the screenwriter heard from a hobo sleeping outside Port Authority, this week's Gymkommentary is filled with the terrors of the deep, the horrors of sub B-grade acting, and at least three or four special effect shots used over, and over, and over (and over)* again. Stay out of deep water (or "wah-tehr") while Mega Matt and Giant Chris take on the film that audiences have called "Wait, it's called what? That's stupid."

*and over

Like Jean-Claude Van Damme, Grover Cleveland, or that case of herpes you got in Sausalito, Gymkommentary has returned!


The Tale of the Tape
Film: Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)
Director: Mic Rodgers
Runtime: 82 minutes
Genre: Needless Action Franchise Prolonger
Stars: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Michael Jai White, Heidi Schanz, Xander Berkeley
Rated: R for Excessive Male Grunting, Blatant HAL 9000 ripoffs, and A Totally Gratuitous Scene in a Strip Club
IMDb, Wikipedia, Michael Jai White's "Private Alcove"

To get this UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

Yes, JCVD is back. And he brought his spin kicks, that big knot on his forehead, and some new pals including pro wrestler Bill "Goldberg" Goldberg for Universal Soldier Colon The Return. Wait is the colon supposed to be silent? Eh, whatever.

He killed Babylonians. He killed Mesopotamians. But he was no match for: Gymkommentarians.


The Tale of the Tape
Film: The Scorpion King (2002)
Director: Chuck Russell
Runtime: 92 minutes
Genre: Sandalsploitation
Stars: The Rock, Steven Brand, Michael Clarke Duncan, Kelly Hu, Peter Facinelli
Rated: PG-13 for Mild Sword Violence Without Blood, Atrocious White Man Dreadlocks, and Scenes of A Dude Claiming to Invent Things He Didn't Actually Invent.
IMDb, Wikipedia, Create Your Own The Rock Wrestling Outfit

To get this THE SCORPION KING GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary

On this Gymkommentary, the actor formerly known as the wrestler The Rock makes the movie formerly known as Conan the Barbarian. Yes, swords, sandals, and sorcery: this movie has it all. Or at least all that Conan had. But it's fun anyway. Oh and if you can smell what The Rock is cooking, consult your physician. He is not in your house and you should not be able to smell him or his protein-rich diet.