On conscious conception, early pregnancy loss, miscarriage as an orgasmic frequency and spirit baby communication.

From my direct experience as both the woman and the initiate.

Our Spirit Son (sun) is part of a constellation of souls helping to prepare others like him to land into an entirely new way of being.

A welcoming field where the collective nest of togetherness is fully felt.

To learn more about my upcoming group container the Nest for women in Sacred Union, or to work with me: https://linktr.ee/apapachadora

Yes it’s You frequency.

In your presence others can feel their own power. When you shine, all they see is how bright THEY are.

Since recording this final episode of the dark feminine podcast series, my life has changed.

I have so much energy available. My field is like a solar powered lite-brite that acts like a magnet, zing! It’s drawing to me those who are ready for that invitation to activate their codes of receiving.

When I got out of surgery I was feeling a little more delulu than usual and I saw the Akashic Records of my BODY as vibrational memory.

And it landed. The feminine restructured me on cellular level, down to the nucleus of the DNA in my bone marrow.

In the process of grounding a frequency we become our own doula and get inside the belly of our creation to receive from our medicine as we birth it. As we bring it through our authentic 3D human expression, through our containers and experiences, the frequency clears away anything in our lives that is in the way of it clicking in and stabilizing. The full landing is when the embodiment simply IS and doesn’t require reinforcement. It’s presence. That’s what recording this podcast series has been for me.

This episode celebrates the integration of the dark feminine journey, which felt like a masters level practicum in fine tuning my own range and becoming a master teacher of wielding and precision.

In total reverence to her. I follow the desire of my heart completely, without question.

I can feel her invitations. What she asks of me now is clear. And the trust is, without question.

To create new systems, be more visible, scale and support more people.

To steward new energy fields for community, connection and collaboration.

She gave me the power of playful erotic innocence.

In full devotion.

Landing into my full namesake of Hannah (of mercy, grace) and Rose (of love, of HER).

…

Thank you to my teacher on the feminine path of power, Steffie Funk.

Thank you for culminating the closing of this chapter with me with this final episode of the dark feminine series.

To work with me: https://linktr.ee/apapachadora

My contract with su*cide is complete

I am in full approval for the way my soul chose to learn it

I am in reverence for how long it took to play all the way out

I am in awe of the incomprehensible love the feminine has for her creations

I trust her without question

I have done the great work

My records are sparkling

I am gotten.

…

This episode was re-recorded to include the completion of the thread through the accident and surgery of my hand.

More photos on my instagram : https://www.instagram.com/hannahrosealexander/

A WILD WOMAN IS NOT A GIRLFRIEND. SHE IS A RELATIONSHIP WITH NATURE. 

But can you love me in the deep? In the dark? In the thick of it?

Can you love me when I drink from the wrong bottle and slip through the crack in the floorboard?

Can you love me when I'm bigger than you, when my presence blazes like the sun does, when it hurts to look directly at me?

Can you love me then too? Can you love me under the starry sky, shaved and smooth, my skin like liquid moonlight?

Can you love me when I am howling and furry, standing on my haunches, my lower lip stained with the blood of my last kill?

What happens when I freeze the land, and cause the dirt to harden over all the pomegranate seeds we've planted? Will you trust that Spring will return?

Will you still believe me when I tell you I will become a raging river, and spill myself upon your dreams and call them to the surface of your life?

Can you trust me, even though you cannot tame me?

Can you love me, even though I am all that you fear and admire?

Will you fear my shifting shape?

Does it frighten you, when my eyes flash like your camera does?

Do you fear they will capture your soul?

Are you afraid to step into me?

You cannot be with the wild one if you fear the rumbling of the ground, the roar of a cascading river, the startling clap of thunder in the sky.

If you want to be safe, go back to your tiny room the night sky is not for you.

If you want to be torn apart, come in. Be broken open and devoured. Be set ablaze in my fire.

I will not leave you as you have come: well dressed, in finely-threaded sweaters that keep out the cold.

I will leave you naked and biting. Leave you clawing at the sheets. Leave you surrounded by owls and hawks and flowers that only bloom when no one is watching.

So, come to me, and be healed in the unbearable lightness and darkness of all that you are.

There is nothing in you that can scare me. Nothing in you I will not use to make you great.

A wild woman is not a girlfriend. She is a relationship with nature. She is the source of all your primal desires, and she is the wild whipping wind that uproots the poisonous corn stalks on your neatly tilled farm.

She will plant pear trees in the wake of your disaster.

She will see to it that you shall rise again.

She is the lover who restores you to your own wild nature.

Poem by Alison Nappi

…

This episode follows my journey into sacred union with my partner and the challenges and blessings of being a woman on the path of following truth.

I feared being ostricized, cancelled, dejected, and misunderstood.

I feared being in service ‘wrong’ and falling from grace.

I felt incapable of the discernment and responsibility that was required to land in my energy body more deeply.

I was sick of being so afraid of being afraid of my own power.

I spilled a lot of energy here trying to distract myself from acknowledging the places where I didn’t have availability yet to be undone.

The Deep Feminine asks you to Sit with the dismantling. She is the mother of Yin. She unravels a little thread. You open. She works it out. And then another and another.

She teaches you to cultivate compassion instead of resistance as you witness and accept the need to play out all your patterns, to temper the intensity of the emotional charge, and stay with yourself as the intensity lessens slowly over time.

When you can’t imagine letting go any more, she asks for your surrender, so that she can free up the trapped energy resin at the bottom of the barrel, in the light of your awareness, and open to you with her full power.

I let her crack me open. With the mighty force of water that carves stone.

I became the steam that fumes from hot volcanic rock, uprising.

And I erupted.

In primal, fireball breathing Rage.

Burn. The Entitlement. Rise, The Confident Humility.

Burn. The Savior / Messiah Complex. Rise, The Self Empowered.

Burn. The Abuse of Sexual Energy. Rise, The Vitally Nourished.

Burn. The love and light facade. Rise, the love and the light.

Compassionate reverence for the darkest aspects of my being.

The opening.

….

This episode recounts my experience owning my worth and clearing my channel.

I felt like an orphan horse boy learning how to love and revere a sentient savage wild mare.

In service to her unbridled power.

The Young King abuses the land he is supposed to be the guardian of.. breaking the trust of the Maidens in his court. Provided for yet unprepared, the Maidens flee the land, and undergo an arduous process of accepting their own authority and the need to birth and refine self-esteem and self-respect.

Through both a passive refusal to initiate into adulthood and an aggressive attempt to avoid the initiation into adulthood.

In this episode we integrate the shadow of the Maiden archetype: The Damsel Good Girl and The Vixen Bad Girl.

The “goodie two shoes” Mother gets worked, and learns how to descend in order to ascend, as we go down even deeper to touch it.

Her power.

Estés writes:

…the maiden represents the heartfelt and formerly sleepy psyche. But a warrior-heroine lies beneath her soft exterior. She has the endurance of the lone wolf. She is able to bear the dirt, grime, betrayal, hurt, loneliness, and exile of the initiate. She is able to wander the underworld and return, enriched, to the topside world. Although she may not be able to articulate them when she first descends, she is following the instructions and directions of the Old Wild Mother, the Wild Woman.

Links:

* My work https://linktr.ee/apapachadora

* This episode follows my experience through the Maiden Archetype guided by the teachings of K M Weiland: https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/how-to-write-archetypal-character-arcs/

All I desired was someone to come hold me as I fell apart.

They heard me wailing and ugly crying from the open door of my apartment and kept walking.

Later, I asked.. Why? Why didn’t you come inside to hold me, see if I was ok?

“We wanted to.. but we got this intuitive hit you wanted to be left alone. We figured you would ask for support when you were ready.”

One of my biggest fears was being ignored while I was suffering and then approached when I already semi-self soothed and closed off.

They could feel the forcefield of my sulk. It’s what I was subconsciously projecting. Ufff.

We re-create our deepest fears when they aren’t there, until they are, so we can work them alllll the way through in the light of day. Playing it out as many times as it takes for all the frozen and trapped life force to free up. There is no shame in this.

I couldn’t ask for support because I hadn’t even formed coherent speech yet.

I had become the inconsolable infant. My slowest part.

Whose only need was, “watch me cry, feed me a snack and put me down for a nap.”

My house responded as a mirror to all the weeping with weeks of no running water.

So I became the frantic mother who didn’t know how to console the baby and felt guilty for wanting to smother it with a pillow.

I became unable to complete simple tasks, overstimulated, overwhelmed. Until I went around the ADHD merry go-round enough times that I had had ENOUGH.

And de-coded the entire f*cking pathology in my system.

A toddler who has a secure attachment to its core provider and gets to be weird became the threshold for what was in range for my nervous system.

Free, to eat raspberries off her fingertips in public, wear the same pink&purple castle sweatsuit every day, have tantrums in the living room, nibble on her own toenails with feral delight, and monkey climb to the top of her dresser just to suck on her own hair and burst out into elemental giggles.

Her emotional needs could never be too much. I became her to approve of her. Because that was loves way.

…

Links:

My work https://linktr.ee/apapachadora

I went into hiding like a wounded animal after a fight, afraid of its own bark and bite.

And it had to be that way.

Because this path is a solitary one.

My inner masculine energy tried to control the plummet and make it safe to drop into the dismantling. I didn’t respect his leadership (yet) so I forced it. Full speed MY way.

The first descent was into the desert of my abandoned inner children in exile.

I went on a search and rescue mission to bring.them.home.

I met my 4 year old at the opening of a cave she had been living in for who knows how long. She didn’t trust me enough to come out. She didn’t trust anyone. And she wouldn’t let me get close enough to her to see her, and ask what she needed that she wasn’t getting.

So I stayed there, for days.

I am here. I am not going anywhere.

Done.

Forcing your inauthentic readiness.

Done.

Forcing you to trust before you feel safe.

Done.

Auctioning off your preciousness to the highest bidder.

My desert angel. I am so sorry I kicked you out of the garden.

You can stay here in hiding as long as you would like. You have my full approval.

Calling off the rescue mission -permanently- was the highest act of love I could do…

I peeled away my too tight skin, licked my wounds and slid into the sureness of the soil.. for as long as it took for the parts that weren’t ready to be met, to come forward on their own accord. No force, no pressure, no agenda.

Until they forgot altogether what they were scared of and came out to play.

Episode #2 of The Dark Feminine Series

The Exiled Inner Parts

Listen now

—

In reverence to the mastery of my teachers

Yin and Internal Family Systems, In Depth Psychology work with Kali Basman

And my mentor on the Dark Feminine influenced path Steffie funk

She became my teacher when I was done being undone.

Or rather when I realized with a holy f*ck ‘no anything but that’… that I wasn’t undone yet, not even at all.

My system could no longer assimilate anything that was not 100% true.

So she burned down everything in my world that wasn’t for me.

The Dark Feminine is Love. She teaches through dissolution, truth and Sacred Union.

You know you are on her path when there is no path and you are no longer afraid to accept how terrified you are of the descent into your darkness.

She invites you down when you are done pretending to be ok when you are not ok, the repulsion, the terror, the prove it pick me energy, the rushing, the twisting and contorting to get fed and pleased. The rage, the grief, oh the horror.

She strips you down to your original skin and slowly goes to work on your soul lattice.

Without any effort at all.

I went down hard and I went down fast. Grasping for context, flailing and falling, completely out of my mind, fighting tooth and nail to hold onto control as I made the drop.

And, in slow-as-molasses time, accepted her invitation to the hold down on her ocean floor.

Where the Real work began.

….

In this podcast episode I clean up my intention for starting the Hannah Rose Podcast in the first place. I invite you into the power of the Feminine with this first episode as an introduction into The Dark Feminine Series sharing my own journey through the portal of power. I share my experience of what it felt like to be in the wildly disorienting mindf*ck of the dismantling, the body slam of patterning I uncovered, the complete loss of income in the name if what was true, and the rupturing of relationships, of home, of community, habit, substances, coping mechanisms, of anything that required me to contort myself or abandon to stay in its keep. I offer my experience shifting my inner polarity and how that completely changed my attraction to men and led me deeper into sacred union within myself and to receive my partner.

The Dark Feminine series is trickling through this week leading up to the winter solstice (of course she is!) and celebratory Xmas return of the Son (Sun) light and worshipping the Divine Masculine in right relationship. I love the timing and as I have been recording the series over the last few months, I get it now. Why she waited.

The Dark Feminine Series

Episode #1: Making The Drop

Listen on the Hannah Rose Podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts

Links:

My work https://linktr.ee/apapachadora

Link to my teacher of the dark feminine lineage who inspired this series Steffie Funk

The Sky Daddy Frequency that has been working me all year.

Listen for a delicious transmission and story telling on the Sun Father, the Rose Mother and the wet hot surrender of full reception.

For more on Sky Daddy: https://linktr.ee/apapachadora