Harmony in the Home

In finance, the term ROI or return on investment refers to the gains you make after putting money into your chosen investment form. In a similar fashion, you will see “gains” of a different kind as you “invest” in your family members.

In this episode, I’ll talk a bit about Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages paradigm. In my relationship with David, it took me awhile to realize that my love language (words of affirmation) was not his love language (acts of service). Thankfully, we have been patient with each other through the process of learning each other’s needs, and we have grown as people and as a couple.

Learning the love language your spouse or child speaks, and learning to love them unconditionally without any expectation of reciprocation, are vital steps in cultivating healthy relationship dynamics. I have found that, as I show unconditional love to the people who matter to me, and as I work on “my side of the street,” my relationship with David and my kids and even the dog is better. I’m making great returns on my investment!

In episode 55, I discussed the “love cup” and how I used it with my students to help them cultivate a spirit of compassion and unconditional love for their peers. I taught them that they needed to have love for themselves in order to give love to others. By that same token, as you accept your flawsome (flawed and awesome) self and show yourself compassion, you will be able to make greater deposits to your spouse, your children, and other people who matter to you. Your returns will be incredible!

Take the Love Languages quiz at https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/.

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!

As parents, we often project predictions of negative behaviors onto our children, then look for evidence of that behavior. Our discontent with a perceived lack in our children is confirmation bias — a self-fulfilling prophecy. Here's how to break free of that toxic mindset.

My mom used her label maker to slap labels on containers for coupons, cosmetics, and more. It's fine to label physical containers. But are we sometimes overzealous in putting labels on our children, these precious containers of beautiful spirits?

When I was a teacher, I was accustomed to telling my students no. No talking, no running, no fighting. There was also a lot of tattling in my class (and we’ll get back to that in a moment). There was a little boy named Mark, and one day, this tiny boy no more than 6 or 7 said something that permanently altered the course of my teaching style, my parenting approach, and my life. He said, I feel like she’s always mad at us! And boy oh boy, I felt horrible!

I had to level with the fact that I was not making my students, my precious stewardship, feel welcome in class. (And by the way, make this your mantra: kids are kids are kids are kids. There’s nothing wrong with your children, and there’s nothing wrong with you.) They could’ve been reading on a ninth-grade level, but I realized that if they were to succeed in life, they needed to feel good in my classroom. All academic successes are secondary to raising children who know how to be good and kind.

I made it my goal to change my mindset and my attitudes and look as hard as I could for good things the children were doing. As I praised them for good effort and kind behavior, they were more kind to each other, and I felt better too!

Now, back to tattling. Humans — and children in particular — are sensitive to perceived inequities. When they don’t think it’s fair that another person gets to misbehave or not be on task, they’ll call them out for it. Tattling is a natural occurrence, but I took that energy and helped my students channel it into more wholesome outputs with the Tattlebox, a means for kids to affirm and give love to their peers for praiseworthy actions. I have a suspicion this could help many of you in your homes!

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!

Cleaning and maintaining your house is an uphill climb every single day. It doesn’t come naturally to me! I am a C+ without any effort, and a B- with exceptional effort. But your relationship with your house is the same as your relationship with any other person in your life! Wild, huh? … Allow me to explain.

If you’re stressed, bitter, or angry because of a person, your relationship with them will feel strained. The house is neutral, but you can control your thinking about your house. The state of your house isn’t causing you stress, but your thoughts about your house definitely are.

There are a lot of reasons why mess or clutter is triggering. You may not know where to start. It provokes anxiety. It makes it hard to relax in your house. Disorganization disrupts daily living. It’s distracting, it makes you ashamed. I asked which of these possible scenarios resonates with you and a lot of you said “all of the above!”

But as you focus on choosing the thoughts you think in relation to your mess or clutter, you’ll begin to see that the tasks that trigger negative thoughts (which in turn trigger negative emotions) can be broken down into smaller tasks. The Pomodoro technique (we talked about this last episode) is great, for example.

But the key thing here, the takeaway I hope you get, is that ultimately, you are in control. You do have the power to clean and set the chaos in order, even if it’s just one room, or one closet, or one drawer. As you chip away at the never-ending cleaning, just like me — remember, I’m a B- on my good days — you’ll feel better. You’ve got this!

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!

In this episode, I’ll revisit the monster task: organizing your house! I talked extensively about Brooke Castillo’s CTFAR Model in episode 65, and I’ll mention it again here because plugging your thoughts and feelings (or what you want to think and feel) into this model will help you accomplish your goals.

Just like I talked about in episode 64, the Goldilocks principle of a happy “medium” state of being applies not only to your parenting style but to the state of your home. As you work to find a mutual compromise between the members of your family, you’ll feel happier and your kids will feel happier too.

I’ll discuss the simultaneous application of various brain hacks to help you slay the beast. One of my favorite tricks is Francesco Cirillo’s Pomodoro technique: set a timer to put your mind in work mode. Sometimes I think to myself, “If I clean for 20 minutes, it won’t be enough, and I’m too tired to clean for 30,” so I’ll set a timer for 25 minutes. More Goldilocks.

I also use Dan Sullivan’s “80 Percent Approach” (get mostly there) to say “it’s good enough” because I know I’ll be revisiting any place I clean soon enough. And most importantly, I think about Darren Hardy’s concept of “The Compound Effect,” which is that many small actions over time will have an enormous net effect. That’s never truer than when organizing and cleaning a house!

And most importantly, every time you cross off a completed task in your list, the neurons in your brain fire off a little dopamine, a neurotransmitter chemical responsible for “feeling good” and other regulatory functions. So don’t pass up the opportunity to get free drugs! Let’s get cleaning!

As a little motivation for you, here’s our transformation video from 2013. https://youtu.be/VHHBcG3Somg I can’t believe we used to live with that clutter! HOLY STRESS!

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!

Let me tell you a tale of two teachers. When I was an intern, I worked under the mentorship of two different teachers with vastly different classroom styles. One had their room in immaculate condition with not a single object out of place; the other had a pretty cluttered (but clean) room. For both of these teachers, the state of their room was comfortable to them.

The same should be true of your house. I always say, borrowing Dr. Phil’s expression, “how’s that working for you?” If you are comfortable in your situation, no need to change. However, my personal experience and many testimonies from acquaintances and clients has led me to notice a trend. There is often some correlation between a cluttered house and a cluttered mind.

If you feel stressed, out of control, or angry at your spouse or your children, take a moment of introspection and plug the state of your house into The Model that we discussed last week. How is this making you feel? Do you want to clean because you don’t feel good enough based on the cleanliness of your house? That is the very first thing that needs to change!

Just like when I coach people who want to lose weight and help them replace their subconscious thought “I hate my body” with “I have a body,” you will be able to approach the goal of a clean house by replacing “I have to clean” with “I get to clean.” Someday if you’re lucky you might end up like my husband David, who says “I love to clean.” I’m still working on it.

The key here is to move yourself to set your house in order from the place of yes, the place of an abundance of love. It will be SO much easier for you to invest that time in the eternal task of cleaning if you choose to do it because you want to do it.

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!

People have a lot of feelings about laundry. Washing clothes for one person is a stressful task in its own right, and the more people there are in your household, the more the pile (and the stress) grows. I asked you, my listeners, to tell me your feelings and describe what laundry is to you, and many of you responded that you feel overwhelmed or like the laundry is never-ending. This is totally understandable! This and other household chores have been the bane of my existence — so much so that for the first few years of my marriage to my husband David, most of the fights were over distribution of the household workload.

According to master life coach Brooke Castillo’s CTFAR Model, circumstances may trigger thoughts, which in turn affect feelings, actions, and results. Say in your circumstance you have 60 articles of clothing in your hamper. Absent the control and peace afforded by active mind management, you may see this full hamper and say “there’s too much,” and so of course you will feel overwhelmed!

My pitch to you with this episode is that you, as the master of your thoughts, have ultimate control over your state of mind. I’ll invite you to plug laundry into The Model, process your emotions with this most grueling of household chores, and do the same for other matters that stress you out.

The laundry is never going to go away, but your own active mind management can make your stress about the laundry go away, and help you achieve even more of the peace of mind you need in your life. Do not stress! There is no finish line.

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!

In the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, the impetuous young girl Goldilocks breaks and enters the Bear family house, vandalizes their furniture, consumes their food, and ungraciously makes a mess of their bedrooms, all in the quest to find a “just right” experience.

While I do not advocate emulating Goldilocks’ uncivilized behavior, I have taken away a key lesson: finding a happy medium as a parent is a matter of consistent, compassionate experimentation!

When parenting, we can be too cold — hands-off to the point of neglect. We can also be too hot — over-involved, hovering helicopters. But our duty as parents is to raise balanced, independent children when possible.

Teaching your child to ride a bicycle may be the ultimate metaphor for parenting. Eventually, the training wheels will come off and you will be quietly shadowing your child from behind as they learn to ride alone. I have found that with practice, I can balance the level at which I engage with my children so as to allot them the autonomy and personal responsibility they crave to grow, even as I remain a ready support in the background if they need me.

The best part of parenting is that if you put forth effort, it is impossible to fail! Your inner knowing, your ability to use your intuition to find your “just right,” is the right way. I will mess up, you will mess up, and that’s okay! The best part is that tomorrow is going to be a different day, so we get to learn from that.

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!

SHOW NOTES

You may sit and wonder — how did your parents do it? The sheer amount of decisions you need to make as a parent (first for your children, then with them) may be overwhelming. Should I use cloth or disposable diapers? Co-sleep or a separate crib/bed? Nursing or formula? Television watch time quota? Allowance for chores? The list goes on and on.

When discussing the conundrum of making decisions for and with your children, I often think about a well-known axiom attributed to Aristotle. “To avoid criticism: say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” But where's the fun in that?! There is no way to avoid judgment from parents, peers, or even the random person at the grocery store when parenting, but that’s okay! This experience is a refiner’s fire by design.

The universe is pushing you to find the abundance of love and compassion you need to give yourself and your kids. If you are engaged and trying to figure out what works for you, you’re already doing great!

Subscribe on Apple!

Subscribe on Android!

Join my FREE parenting bootcamp!

Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me:

Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com.

Find me on Instagram!

Find me on Facebook!