Haysnacks

Kroger's closing 60 underperforming stores across the country over the next 18 months — yep, 60 — and I can already hear the price-check beeps mourning. AAA says gas is the highest ever recorded for the month of August, so maybe bike commutes get a comeback. A study found regular stair-climbers are 39% less likely to die from heart problems and 24% less likely to die from any cause compared to folks who skip the stairs — stairs: small, sweaty, effective. New York City's investigating Kalshe and Polymarket for allegedly deceptive marketing practices, because someone has to keep the weird crypto carnival honest. Also, there are dangerous bathing suit colors — blues, whites, light greens and water-adjacent shades blend into the water, while neon orange and yellow are your best bet — and heads up: somebody in Illinois is holding that $1.04 billion Powerball ticket (not me, I’d be gone), and Google just dropped the Pixel Tag to tango with Apple airtags.

Kids are back in school and I’m celebrating loud — parents, rejoice: I invented the Parents Back-to-School Kit. It’s got everything you need to mark the quiet: bottle of wine, confetti, party games, and yes, another bottle of wine. When the kids were home all I wanted was the whining to stop, and now? I want more wine. We did the parenting, now it’s time for partying — grab your imaginary kit and toast to the sweet sound of silence. Trust me, this is the kind of back-to-school supply list adults actually care about.

Takeaways:

• I celebrate back-to-school season by joking that parents are secretly throwing tiny victory parties once kids leave the house.
• We pitched the Parents' Back-to-School Kit live: confetti, party games, and yes, multiple bottles of wine for the win.
• I riff about how summer whining magically converts into a refined craving for more wine and quiet time.
• We keep it short and silly — a punchy bit all about parental relief when the school bell finally rings.
• I tease that once you've done your parenting for the morning, it's officially party o'clock — bring the bubbly.

A new LendingTree survey finds 30% of Americans admit to shoplifting — yeah, almost one in three. And 90% of those folks say inflation or the crappy economy played a part, so nah, we’re not just blaming that one weird cousin. Look, stealing is wrong, full stop — gotta say it, even if I joke about it. So we ripped into the Morning 6-Pack and counted down the top six things it’s “okay” to swipe (lightheartedly) — think toilet paper, mini-golf pencils, tiny hotel shampoos and other petty freebies. I’m not spoiling the number-one bit here — tune in for fast jokes, sarcastic banter, and me pretending this is all just for giggles.

Takeaways:

• I point out a LendingTree survey where 30% admit to shoplifting, wild but true.
• We note 90% of people who admitted to shoplifting say inflation or the crappy economy played a role.
• I joke that self-checkout turned us into unpaid cashiers and that 'unexpected item' is pure despair.
• We run a fast Morning 6-Pack of 'okay to steal' stuff — toilet paper, mini golf pencils, soda refills, hotel toiletries, and extra drive-thru napkins.
• I roast retail paranoia — razor blades locked up, shampoo needing a security clearance like it's top secret.

Elon Musk is planning a Terrafab factory in Grimes County, Texas that could become the largest building on Earth — we’re talking up to 100 million square feet. It starts with a $16.8 billion push from SpaceX and Tesla to crank out AI chips for Tesla, SpaceX, and whatever else Elon decides needs a brain. I ripped on it as “Elon Musk’s Compensating for Something construction company” because calling it the “most valuable building on planet Earth” screams Bond villain energy. Honestly, it feels less like business news and more like billionaire grandstanding — employees don’t get parking passes, they get Sherpas and a hydration plan. Maybe it’s a game-changer, maybe it’s a very expensive promise that needs a subscription — either way we’re here for the circus and the building permits.

Takeaways:

• I laugh that Elon’s Terrafab in Grimes County, Texas sounds less like a factory and more like an indoor county.
• We mention SpaceX and Tesla are kicking things off with about a $16.8 billion investment that could get cartoonishly bigger.
• I joke employees won’t get parking passes — they’ll need Sherpas, hydration plans, and maybe a map to find HR.
• We roast Musk’s ‘most valuable building on Earth’ line as classic Mars-backup flex and billionaire overkill energy.
• I warn it could actually change chip manufacturing, or just end up another Musk announcement where ‘soon’ and ‘subscription’ are the punchlines.

Huge headline first: the Lakers just sold for more than $12 billion to Josh Kushner and Bob Iger — yeah, that price tag made my jaw drop this morning. I toss out quick bits you can use at the watercooler: Candy Crush still hauls 81.5 million monthly users and about $876M last year across 22,450 levels, even though only 4% of players pay. We also geek out about the Perseids lighting up the early sky, car colors being stuck on white/black/gray/blue/silver, and Bumble dumping the “women message first” rule so now everyone can stare at matches in silence. Researchers in South Korea say holding a full coffee cup by the handle makes you slosh more — grab the rim, people. Mel Gibson says Lethal Weapon 5 is a “reunion” and the best yet (no release date), a kid in Pennsylvania reeled in a piranha instead of a bass, and three minutes of stair-climbing daily can cut risk for 13 cancers by up to 7%. On a heavier note, a grand jury indicted Nick Reiner on two counts of first‑degree murder and a lying‑in‑wait special circumstance in the deaths of his parents, Rob Reiner and Michelle Singer Reiner. Oh — it’s International Left Handers Day and National Filet Mignon Day, though with beef prices these days, that steak feels like a holiday splurge.

Yo, you won’t believe what the Internet's buzzing about today: $69 shoes made just for pooping! Yup, you heard that right—these bad boys are from a gut health brand called Let Loose, and they’re basically 7-inch platform sandals that help you squat like a pro. I mean, who knew bowel movements needed a fashion upgrade? It's like we’ve officially hit a new low in wellness trends—first it was those cute little squatty potty stools, and now it's all about strutting your stuff with retro poop sandals. Can you imagine the conversations when guests see those bad boys? "Oh, those? Yeah, they’re for business." 😂 We’ve really taken this whole health thing too far, folks!

Takeaways:

• Did you know there are $69 shoes made just for pooping? Yep, they're a thing!
• These aren't your regular shoes; they're platform sandals for the bathroom—seriously!
• The new trend is luxury footwear for your bathroom breaks. What a time to be alive!
• Who knew that wellness would lead us to fashion statements in the loo?
• We went from squatty potties to retro poop sandals—what's next, bathroom bling?
• The ultimate irony: promoting gut health with overpriced shoes for your bathroom trips.

Alright, folks! Get ready to giggle and guffaw as we tackle the hilarious world of instruction manuals (or the lack thereof). Turns out, baby boomers are the real MVPs when it comes to reading those thick manuals that often come with new appliances—who knew? Meanwhile, Gen Z is just like, “Wait, did I even read that?” Spoiler alert: they probably didn’t! We’re counting down the top six things that even the most diligent manual readers totally skip over—think hair dryers and electric toothbrushes, because who needs a manual for those, right? So grab your coffee (or your favorite hair dryer) and tune in for a wild ride through the absurdity of appliance ownership!

Takeaways:

• Looks like the boomers are reading those manuals while Gen Z is just vibing and hitting 'install' on life.
• Hair dryers and office chairs don't need instructions; just plug 'em in and hope for the best!
• You know you’re doing life right when you don’t need a manual for an electric toothbrush!
• The real question is: who actually reads the instruction manual for a swing set anyway?
• Youngsters might say they read manuals, but we all know they're just winging it with Google.
• Manuals are just 40 pages of warnings and diagrams that leave us more confused than before.

Trump's just rebooted the vaccine debate, folks! 🎉 He signed an executive order to space out childhood vaccines, kinda like how Hollywood keeps remaking Spider-Man—just when you thought we were done with that saga! So now we’re talking about separating those measles, mumps, and rubella shots, which has some health experts worried about kids being unprotected longer. Meanwhile, parents are caught in the middle of a chaotic shouting match between politicians and that one aunt who swears by essential oils. But hey, on the bright side, lollipop makers are popping the bubbly because more shots mean more Dum Dums for the kiddos! 🍭 It’s a wild ride of medical decisions and candy chaos—let's dig into it!

Takeaways:

• President Trump's new vaccine spacing plan is like Hollywood's endless Spider-Man reboots.
• Parents are stuck in a chaotic mess of conflicting vaccine info—thanks, social media!
• Dum Dum lollipops are cashing in big time on all these extra vaccine visits!
• Public health experts warn that spaced-out shots could leave kids unprotected longer.
• The vaccine debate feels like a national cage match, and parents just want clear answers.
• Science needs to scream louder than your Facebook group chat about vaccines!

Alabama Bama is back at it again, and this time, she's got a wild tale about a sushi mishap that spiraled into a whole medical mystery! Buckle up, because Bama’s got a knack for turning the ordinary into the downright bizarre. After trying to eat gas station sushi with some acrylic nails (don't ask!), she ended up with symptoms that even the CDC found questionable. Seriously, a clicking eyelid? Yikes! And just when you think it can't get any crazier, she mentions a Groupon for a root canal from a van labeled "Dental and More." Join us for this rollercoaster of absurdity as Haystack tries to keep his sanity while Bama spills the tea on her outlandish adventures!

Takeaways:

• Bama's wild sushi story takes a turn when she uses acrylic nails as chopsticks, resulting in a shocking health scare.
• The CDC gets involved after Bama's eyelid starts making a clicking sound—seriously, it was like a turn signal!
• Bama’s questionable life choices lead to a groupon for a root canal—60% off and numbing for just $12 extra!
• Who knew nail glue, listeria, and gout could be the recipe for a new disease?
• Bama claims she's been everywhere when asked about her mysterious illness, leaving the CDC baffled.
• Haystack tries to keep a straight face while Bama shares her latest escapades, but it’s a hilarious struggle!

Get ready to strip down your expectations, folks! We're diving into the wild world of a restaurant called Class Soiree Steakhouse, where the dining experience gets a little... well, naked. Yep, you heard that right! This Florida joint offers a nude dining night once a month, and it's not just for the brave-hearted—it's a whole vibe where folks can chill, connect, and, uh, enjoy their meals in the buff. But hold on, before you rush to make reservations, we’ve got a countdown of the top six better names for a place serving up naked entrees that’ll leave you giggling! So, tune in as we dish out some seriously funny alternatives that'll make you rethink your dinner plans. Spoiler alert: number one is a classic!

Takeaways:

• Naked dining is now a thing at Class Soiree Steakhouse, happening once a month!
• It's a wild, intimate experience with only 20-30 seats, so get cozy, folks!
• For $250, men can dine in the buff, while women pay $150—talk about an expensive meal!
• The chef says this nudie venture was meant to attract new business and create buzz!
• You gotta love that the staff is fully clothed while diners are totally not—ironic much?
• Haystack drops six hilarious alternative names for a nude dining experience that’ll crack you up!