Healing Her

We are ending this season of The Healing Her Podcast by learning about Lament. God is our Comforter, Healer, Strong Tower, and Provider. We know that in grief we sometimes turn away from God and feel that God is not present in our pain. But God is not uncomfortable with our grief or grieving. We want to share a Biblical way to cry out to God in our grief because we believe HE is the answer to it! We want to encourage our listeners to keep praying through pain.

What is Lament

A lament is a prayer expressing sorrow, pain, or confusion. It’s not looking at the bright side but through the Psalms of lament and the Book of Lamentations, we learn to give voice to our pain. Lament gives us permission to wrestle with sorrow before God.

In the book we’re following Dark Clouds Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop, he writes on page 27:

"Because the book of Psalms is filled with lament, it is the songbook for God’s covenant community. They reflect the joys, struggles, sorrows, and triumphs of life. It’s noteworthy that at least a third of the 150 psalms are laments. What this tells us is sorrow and grief are not a surprise to God."

As believers, we can look to scripture to see how Jesus - "a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief”- the Son of God himself, showed us how to grieve.

FOUR KEY ELEMENTS OF LAMENT:

Turn

Complain

Ask

Trust

Every step of lament is a part of the pathway toward hope. Lament invites us to turn our gaze from the pain of loss to the Redeemer of every hurt. The cross shows us that God has already proven himself to be for us and not against us. Jesus bought the right to make everything right. Lament prayers celebrate this truth through tears. 

Psalm 77 invites us to keep asking:

"I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.

When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted."

God isn’t turned off by our sorrow. He wants us to turn to Him and tell him about our struggles, ask questions, and share our fears. It takes faith to pray in pain, even with its messy struggle and tough questions, is an act of faith where we open our hearts to God.

Biblical lament offers an alternative to a prison of despair and bitterness or living in an emotional cave. Lament is the language of a people who believe in God’s sovereignty but live in a world with tragedy. Start complaining- He can take it and He already knows it! 

Psalm 10:1 the psalmist asks:

"Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"

Boldly ask for God’s help. The movement from complaining to asking takes place when grief becomes shadowed by who God is - my fortress, my protector, my redeemer, my strong tower, my rock, my refuge, my help.

When Jesus was on the cross, he used David’s questions from Psalm 22:1: “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I groan for help?”

But notice, after David’s strong and heartfelt complaints he turns to God’s character. The key word is “yet”.

“Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel. Our ancestors trusted in you, and you rescued them.”

David is in deep pain and feels abandoned, yet he anchors his soul to who God is and what He has done. His complaints become bridges leading him to God’s character.

But what do we ask? What we ask is as diverse as the painful circumstances we find ourselves in.

Express Trust and/or Praise to God

Suffering refines what we trust in and how we talk about it. 

Pain can bring clarity. Loss affirms trust. Pain can become a platform for worship. We can turn from hardship to the character of God. But we are going to have to choose to take this final step. Not once and for all. It’s not like you need one lament prayer and you never need to lament again. Grief is not that tame. We must enter into lament over and over again so that it can keep leading us to trust

The Do’s and Don'ts - What to Say and What NOT to Say to Someone in Grief

The Don’ts

1. DO NOT SILVER LINING THE LOSS!!

Do not say 

“God needed another angel”

“They are in a better place”…

“You will have more children”

“At least you have….”

You can find another job…

DO NOT utter a sentence that starts with AT LEAST...

2. Do Not Ghost your friend - Keep checking in- It is common for a grieving person to have a flat affect and may not be fun to be around… it is normal.

3. Do not say, I know how you feel- You do NOT know how they feel. You may have experienced a loss, but you did not have the exact situation or exact relationship scenario. And it is not helpful when people say, "I know how you feel."

4. Do not judge their grief- We have been discussing the many ways people grieve. In grief, we very likely are not the best versions of ourselves. If someone wants to be alone, don't judge. If they eat a lot, don't judge. If they throw themselves into work, don't judge.

5. Do not tell them how to grieve- Do not tell them, you should cry more, or you should get out more, or you don't look sad, or you look too sad, or you should go away for a while, or you should stay home more, etc. No two people grieve in the same way.

6. Don't disregard your own grief- You may not be the closest person to the loss but you may still experience grief. It is important to care for yourself. Just because you were not close to the person or you aren't close to the person anymore doesn't mean you don't have grief.

The Do’s

1. Show up- Go to the funeral, make a donation, send the flowers, write the note, make a social media post.

2. Use the name of the person who died. “How have you been since Steve passed away? Tell me about Mary. A common experience when we lose someone is people stop talking about them.

3. Check in a week later, a month later, a year later- Touching base and stopping by regularly helps. Make a plan and invite them out instead of “let me know if you want to get together”…  Can you go out for lunch on Saturday? If they say no, ask them again later.

4. Remember the anniversary. Send the text, make a call, mail a card. (A friend of mine received a card signed by the leadership of the church at the first anniversary of his mother's passing)

In this episode, Donna shares her experience growing up with a mother who has a mental illness. Since most people will be in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness, we wanted to provide information, empathy, and tools for dealing with this delicate topic.

From the National Association of Mental Illness website- https://www.nami.org/

A mental illness is a condition that affects a person’s thinking, feelings, behavior, or mood. These conditions deeply impact day-to-day living and may also affect the ability to relate to others.

Mental health conditions are far more common than you think, mainly because people don’t like to, or are scared to, talk about them.

How to help yourself when you are in a relationship with someone with mental illness.

Give yourself permission to tell the truth about the behavior you are seeing in your loved one. It is common for a person with mental illness to lack personal insight regarding their behavior.

Give yourself permission to keep yourself safe.

Set boundaries that you need in the relationship. (How often you see each other, boundaries around when calls are too early or too late)

How to help a person with mental illness.

You can only help someone who wants help. You can share your experience with the person you are concerned about and see if they are willing to see a professional. 

If someone knows they have a diagnosis and is willing to share it with you, ask them, "How can I support you?" Be a good listener when they need to talk. Let them know their diagnosis is just part of them, not all of them. However, if their behavior becomes violent, or too much of a roller coaster for you, you must choose to care for yourself by setting necessary boundaries. OR if they threaten to harm themselves or you,  call 911 or 855 274- 7471 - for Mobile Crisis.

It can truly be a challenging journey that includes lots of grief when walking with a person on a mental health journey. Getting the right diagnosis and the right medication and help takes a process. When those things are in place people can also experience real joy. 

Adjusting to the news that someone you are close to has a mental illness can be hard. Here are a few tools to help with that journey.

What helped Donna?

In this episode of Healing Her Grief we share tips and tools on how to manage many of the tasks that have to be done when someone passes, as well as thoughts on how to think through special dates and anniversaries.

Things To Do:

Plan the service

Arrange for death certificates

Locate the will

Gather photos of the loved one for the service

Write the obituary

Make phone calls

Tools

Talk to aging parents and ask them if you can create a notebook of what needs to be taken care of when they pass away. (This can be a sensitive conversation where many are not willing to plan for the event of their death.) If they are unwilling, be compassionate and understanding. You can let them know that you respect them, and if there is ever a time they feel comfortable making these plans, you would welcome that conversation.

After the passing of a loved one:

Cleaning out clothes and belongings - There is no set time when going through clothes and possessions is appropriate. We recommend talking with family members and showing compassion for all involved. 

Anniversaries - Permit yourself to remember the ‘firsts' of everything. Share what you remember with a close friend. Write about it in your journal. You will have documentation and be able to look back and see how you got through the first year of loss.

Holidays - Give yourself permission to consider what you want and need during the holidays. Have open conversations with your family about how you would like to celebrate this year. It may feel right to keep the same traditions but expect tears along the way.

Blue Christmas - Consider attending a church service set aside for grieving people. Can't find one?  Stay at home, light a candle, honor your loss and remember your loved one.

We don't feel or act like ourselves when we experience loss, leaving some people asking, am I normal? This episode of Healing Her Grief focuses on some normal things people experience in loss. We also discuss tools to use to help you cope.

Relief

If someone has been sick for a long time, it is normal to experience relief when they pass. This doesn't mean you didn't love them. It just means you can see they were suffering and are grateful it has ended. 

TOOL - Hold space for… I wish my loved one had continued living a healthy life. That is not how things played out. I can give myself permission to admit parts of this season/ journey were very hard and it is normal to experience relief when that part of the journey ends. 

Tears

Tears are normal. It is your body's way of regulating emotions. The authors of On Grief and Grieving write, “The worst thing you can do is to stop short of really letting it out. Uncried tears have a way of filling the well of sadness even more deeply.” Give yourself permission to cry.

TOOL- When it isn't a good time to cry... Honor the feelings.  Imagine you are going into a job interview. Maybe you are returning to work after a divorce or the loss of your spouse. There is a lot of emotion showing up for you. Put your hand on your chest and speak to yourself calmly...

“I know you are hurting ... but we have something to do right now.  When we finish, we can sit down and have a good cry. But now let's go in there and do our thing.”

Dreams

It is common for people to dream about their loved ones after they die. Research says these dreams have several purposes.

TOOL - Write your dreams in a journal to keep track of this part of your healing process.

Ways we see grief in the Resurrection Story from John 20 NIV

Mary Magdalene, in her grief, needs to do something. She goes to anoint and prepare Jesus' body. She finds the tomb empty and hurries to tell the disciples—John and Peter race to the tomb.

Peter rushes in to see the clothes and still thinks they have stolen Jesus' body. (maybe he’s in denial)

Mary stays back and isolated in her grief crying, she even speaks to Jesus, it's not until he calls her name that her grief allows her to see him.

Thomas was absent when Jesus walked through walls and revealed Himself to the disciples. Maybe he was a doer and could not stay shut up in a room with his grief. He needs to hear and see the Lord for himself, touch and feel to make sure it is Jesus, the man he walked, ate, and lived with.

Symptoms of Grief

1. Difficulty Sleeping- It is so common to wake up at night and not be able to fall back to sleep.

Healing Her Grief

The stages of grief are common experiences that people notice when they go through loss. Some people will experience all the stages, some will only experience a few stages, but often we don't recognize what is going on with us. By understanding what you are going through and knowing that you are normal you can practice self compassion and patience with yourself. Sometimes just putting words to what we feel brings relief. It will also help you be equipped to show kindness and compassion to your friends and family when they have loss. 

“Why grieve? For two reasons. First, those who grieve well, live well. Second, and most important, grief is the healing process of the heart, soul, and mind; it is the path that returns us to wholeness. It shouldn’t be a matter of if you will grieve; the question is when will you grieve. And until we do, we suffer from the effects of that unfinished business.” ~David Kessler (pg 229) On Grief and Grieving

STAGES OF GRIEF

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

Making Meaning

Denial is the stage that can initially help you survive the loss. You might think life makes no sense, has no meaning, and is too overwhelming. You start to deny the news and go numb. Denial may look like disbelief. "Did it really happen?”“I can’t believe he’s gone.”“Did I just dream that?”““I’m going to go home and she’ll be there.”

Anger is the stage where you think "Why me?" and "Life's not fair!" You might look to blame others for the cause of your grief and also may redirect your anger to close friends and family. You find it unbelievable how something like this could happen to you. If you are strong in faith, you might start to question your belief in God: “Where is God? Why didn't he protect me?”

Bargaining is when you try to figure out how the loss could have been avoided. “What ifs” and Promises are the most common versions of bargaining. "What if she had gone to the doctor earlier?" "What if he had gotten another Covid shot?" "If she survives the surgery I will be the best husband ever." "I will dedicate my life to God if He heals me."  

Depression is commonly associated with grief. It can be a reaction to the emptiness we feel when we are living in reality and realize the person or situation is gone or over. In this stage, you might withdraw from life, feel numb, live in a fog, and not want to get out of bed. The world might seem too much and too overwhelming for you to face. You might not want to be around others or feel like talking, and you might feel hopeless.

Acceptance is the stage where your emotions may begin to stabilize. Not in the sense that "it's OK my husband died" but rather, "my husband died, but I'm going to be OK." You re-enter reality and come to terms with the fact that the "new" reality is your partner is never coming back, or that you are going to succumb to your illness. It's not a "good" thing, but it's something you can move forward from.

Making Meaning has to do with the story we tell ourselves. This is the stage that David Kessler added to the first 5 stages and it helps us make sense of grief. People who can find meaning in loss are less likely to get stuck. We find meaning in doing something that honors the person we loss. WE plant a tree, start a non- profit organization, make a donation.

RESOURCES

On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross M.D. & Davis Kessler

⁠Grieving Like God⁠

Healthy Feeling Thriving Faith by Bill & Kristi Gaultiere

Dark Clouds Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop

Steel Magnolias scene-⁠M'Lynn: "I Wanna Know Why Shelby's Life Is Over" | Steel Magnolias (Sally Field)⁠

Forrest Gump scenes Lt. Dan - ⁠Forrest Gump (1994) - Lt. Dan Makes His Peace Scene | Movieclips⁠

Tools- Personal Reflection- Reflect on seasons of loss that you have experienced. Do you remember experiencing any of these stages? Are you in a season of loss now? What do you notice about yourself? Spend time journaling, giving yourself permission not to judge the difficulty of grief.

In this episode Christi and Donna discuss the VERY NORMAL challenges that show up when kids become adults. Parents have loved their children through infancy, preschool, elementary school years, and finally high school. There is often a tension between wanting to continue to protect them and knowing they must make their own decisions, and figure out how to function in the adult world.

In this episode Donna and Christi discuss the valuable tools of going to breath and practicing mindfulness during anxiety or panic attacks.

9. Noticing the feeling your bottom on the couch or chair. The couch is strong enough to hold you...pushing your feet into the floor. Reminding yourself that the floor is strong enough to hold you.

Now what do you notice in your body?

In this episode of The Healing Her podcast Christi and Donna discuss emotion regulation, the process of staying calm and grounded when you feel like exploding. Everyone gets upset from time to time. But losing your temper can damage relationships and cause disconnection with people you love. Here are some tools for staying calm when you feel upset.

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs