Righteousness Near
“I can’t come to you right now. It’s too hard. I need you to come to me” I said.
It was morning. The dog nestled heavy against me. I felt a deadness within me. Craving the refreshing of the Spirit. Yet feeling weak to reach out. I lay staring at the ceiling fan, that familiar combination of total numbness and heaviness at the same time.
I once named it the freeze response which still fits. Brain inflammation. The feeling that each limb weighs 100 pounds. A pain that seems to encompass the whole body but yet is not totally definable. Elusive.The freeze response, while accurate to describe the physical symptoms, seems limited to encompass the Spiritual reality.
The spiritual understanding I have of Jesus Christ from His Word deepens everything.
What I know is that I spent the formative years of my life in a haze of abuse and neglect. I don’t remember everything. But a deeper part of me, my spirit, remembers.
What I know is that those years damaged my brain and nervous system.
What I also know is that much of that damage has been repaired due to God leading me, over the course of 14 years, (and before I knew Him fully) to incredible books, practitioners and resources that helped me make sense of the firestorm that was happening inside of me.
I wasn’t seeking God, yet He was carrying me.
He helped me in those years to repair chronic dissociation, uncontrollable leg movements, paranoid delusions, and so much more. Even when I lost myself in New Age Spirituality, He sustained me.
“but they did not realize
it was I who healed them.
I led them with cords of human kindness,
with ties of love.
To them I was like one who lifts
a little child to the cheek,
and I bent down to feed them”
Hosea 11:3-4
In the years since my salvation He has done quick work in me. Healing the Spiritual debris and shrapnel. Faithful to take me to the low places, not allowing me to bypass anything. But sweeping up the darkness there, holding my hand. And then bringing up to new heights and closing the door behind.
On this morning, I hugged the pillow close to me and buried my face in it: “I need you to come get me” I said to the Lord, tears forming.
Suddenly, a passage of Scripture came to my mind from Isaiah 46:3-4
you whom I have upheld since your birth,
and have carried since you were born.
Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you…
I read further along to the end of the passage in verse 13:
I am bringing my righteousness near,
it is not far away;
and my salvation will not be delayed.
“I am bringing my righteousness near…”
What is righteousness?
It is essential goodness. It is every divine quality of love, holiness and perfection. It is the PERFECT expression of love, gentleness, joy and of peace.
I breathed a plea for help. And in a moment He answered with His Word and His Spirit.
“Shyla, I am bringing my righteousness near. All my goodness. All my light. All my help. All my provision. All my comfort. All my healing. I am bringing it near. I am faithful to take the deep darkness and scoop it up and sweep it by.” As the Spirit came upon me a flow of tears began. The Spirit of life touched me and I felt His steady hand upon my head, containing, pressing, holding and healing.
I screamed under the hand of the Lord as my full breath returned to me. His Spirit - holding space for the pain. One of the names of the Lord from the Old Testament: Jehovah Rapha - my Healer.This dance of life with Christ is not a performative dance. It is not a religious dance of pomp and circumstance. Life with God is this: Moments of the heart. Deep changing moments that alter your destiny. Quiet moments of reckoning. Healing in the desert places.
Life with God is knowing Him as Father, as Husband, as Friend, as Brother.
Life with God is tender and vulnerable and essentially Spiritual.
And faith is not a performance - but a trust in His ultimate goodness. His nearness and closeness. The sweetness of His nature. It is a recognition that the Lord who created all things and is to be feared and reverenced - is tender with His children and will never turn them away. He will meet us where we are to bring us higher in love. He will not slave drive us to white-knuckle our way to Him.
This is evidenced by Jesus. He came down. Romans 5:6-8For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
This is the Lord. Are you too weak to come to him? Do you need the Father to come get you? To come and help you? He is bringing His righteousness near.
All essential goodness and healing - He is bringing it near.
All help is coming near to you.
To them I was like one who lifts
a little child to the cheek,
and I bent down to feed them”
Hosea 11:4
Do you know Jesus? If you don’t, ask Him for help. Ask Him to bring His righteousness near. Much Love in the Spirit, Shyla
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