Here's My Number, So Call Me Ishmael

If there is one thing you can count on us for, it is normalcy. Consistency. Reliability. Episodes release at the same time, every third [redacted]. Topics that are grounded in the here and now. Now (and here), we break down what "normalcy" really means and why it's such a precious societal standard that we must preserve at all costs. Historically, normalcy has been really good for everyone. 

Put on your 3D glasses now. 

Remember when movies were silent for a long time and then The Jazz Singer came out and people lost their minds? This is kind of like that without blackface.

When I was researching this joke, I read through the Wikipedia entry on The Jazz Singer and there are, no lie, six full paragraphs dedicated to a discussion around whether it was cool that there were blackface scenes in that movie. Like, can we just acknowledge that it wasn't cool? 

I originally wanted to make this comparison because The Jazz Singer was the first talkie, and this is like, the first podcast that is SO evocative that you might as well be watching a movie. But then I got really sidetracked by that Wikipedia article.

I get that, at the time, cultural critics had different interpretations of what the blackface scenes signified, and that it's dangerous to erase those discussions lest we repeat our shitty past. But six paragraphs? The entire Wikipedia article on the fascinating French idiom "L'esprit de l'escalier" is shorter than the The Jazz Singer's various stuffy critical defenses of blackface. I'm over it! We're ALL over it. 

Anyway enjoy the podcast

When you listen to this episode, you'll have the unique opportunity to hear the first joke ever recorded (from some Sumerians), followed immediately by some of the best jokes ever recorded (from us and Josh Betts). Tune in next week for the last joke you'll ever hear. 

Look us in the eye and tell us that you haven't assigned personality types to each of your pets and plants by now. But you probably got it wrong because you didn't have Hannah Duncan in your home, teasing out the nuances of how your monstera deliciosa reacts to stress, or the key motivations of your calico. We've all been stuck inside for a while, but have you looked inside?

This episode is about sacrificing your creative integrity in order to reach a wider audience. It's also about the one-of-a-kind, blow-your-mind taste of refreshing Diet Pepsi with Lime©. Nothing pairs better with the rich and rewarding sounds of this podcast than a fizzy, foamy Pepsi. Try one today with a big bowl of Donkey Chips© and take your snack game to the next level!

Anyone who knows us IRL will tell you that the only way to tell us apart is to look at our feet. Tony wears sandals because his feet are cute, but Austin wears close-toed shoes because his left big toe got slammed in a door in 7th grade, and the nail keeps falling off. We can't imagine how difficult it must be for you listeners to tell the difference, sight unseen. But guess what? Now you don't have to. We have (finally) fused into one.    

In their song "The Beautiful People," Marilyn Manson sing the words "the beautiful people/the beautiful people (aah)." 23 years later, we're picking up the baton and running it into the endzone. Here you'll find stories of timeless romance which suggest that beauty isn't just skin deep, followed by a long discussion of some smoking hot celebs that pretty much proves that it is. How much sexiness is in here? At least a Hems-worth.

Like Simon and Garfunkel, we have settled our creative differences and height differentials in favor of a long and fruitful partnership. Unlike Simon and Garfunkel, we have recorded a hot track about squirrels. Think of this episode as our "Bridge over Troubled Water," only instead of bridges we have sprawling nuclear facilities, and instead of troubled water it's basically just squirrels. This is our "I Am a Rock" if the rock were a nut. Something something something "Squirrelborough Fair." This is the squirrel episode. 

We're about to flax on y'all. We've joined the Amish Mafia with the help of our friend Beau, and this episode finds us raising cain, barns, hell, and crops. Did I miss anything? Learn how to swear in Catalan, find out if your Black-eyed Susans are actually weeds, get your tingle on with some ASMR tortilla-chip play, and acquire some very good Harry Potter weed puns for your next Bible study.

This one is for the kids.* 

*not actually for kids