Hey, Man - The Advice Podcast for Men

We're joined this week by professional dominatrix Dia Dynasty. We discuss sex, kink and the power that comes from knowing your sexual self. In the second half, Dia helps us with an advice question from a man whose relatoinship struggles are leading him to wonder if he's not cut out for monogamy.

Dia's Website

Follow Dia on:
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Hey Man, 

I’m looking for some help in figuring out my priorities in romantic relationships. I’m 36 years old and am about 8 months into what feels like a serious relationship. My longest relationship lasted a year and a half when I was 30. Mostly, I see people in a more casual way and things fizzle out on their own after a few weeks or maybe a couple of months. I’m almost always the one to end things and even when I’m not, I don’t mind that things have ended. But things feel different in this relationship. Part of it is just that I know I’m tired of what I’ve been doing and I see my friends partnering up and settling down. I know this is the time to do that. If anything, I’m behind everyone. But this person checks a lot of boxes for me on paper. 

The problem is, despite there being so much that I like about the relationship, I think about breaking up with her once a week or every two weeks. It’s not all the time, but it is every time she does something that bothers me. I’m neater than she is, so when things are messy, I tend to just think about how life would be easier without this person. Or, any time there’s tension around making plans or our sex life (we don’t have it as often as I’d like), my mind just goes to “this would be so much easier if I was on my own.” If I’m being honest, I’ve had the same thought many times before, which is why I’ve been happy to let relationships just fizzle out. Is this a sign we should end things? Am I not made for long term monogamy?

Signed, 

Fearful on Fifth Ave

We're joined this week by Men's Health editor-in-chief Rich Dorment. Rich brought his son with him to work and he fell asleep while we were recording the episode! We talk about his decision to include mental health as an area of focus at the magazine, his article on Men and friendship and cultivating work/life balance. Later, Rich helps us with an advice question from a listener who needs help with getting politics out of his relationships with his friends.

Men's Health
Men Don't Need More Friends. They Might Just Need Therapy.
How To Stay Sane in an Election Year
Rich on Instagram

Hey Man, 

I’m on a group text with a bunch of old college friends and lately things have been getting pretty heated. We’re all politically to the left, but there’s been intense disagreement about the Democratic primaries. Lately, there’s a subset of the group that’s been intensely vocal about their love for one candidate and have been talking a lot of shit about the other candidates. One friend seems to have gone completely off the rails and just posts memes all the time. Privately, some friends who are undecided or support someone else have been sharing how much they hate it and I’ve noticed way less activity from them on the chat. I don’t want this to splinter my friend group, but feel like either way I’m going to be forced to take a side. How do I keep the peace?

Signed, 

Pacifist in Prospect Heights

We're joined this week by 20 year veteran of the FDNY and organizer of the NYC Prepper's Network, Jason Charles. Jason shares what he's learned from his experience in the FDNY and his longstanding interest in disaster prepping. In the second half, Jason lends a hand in giving advice to a man who can't let go of a workplace betrayal.

New York City Preppers Network Meetup
The Angry Prepper Youtube
The Angry Prepper Podcast

Hey Man, 

I’m 40 years old and am having an issue with a coworker. I work as a project manager at a tech company and have been with them practically since the beginning. A few years ago, we hired someone as a part time receptionist and I really liked him. He was a solid kid and seemed like he had potential despite never graduating from college. I took him under my wing and he steadily took on more responsibilities and better job titles. In the last couple of years, our company has done really well and we’ve moved past the stage where we would be considered a startup. We had a leadership transition and my friend has actually been promoted above me and joined a more senior leadership team. I admit, I have some jealousy about this, but even worse - I was up for a promotion recently and didn’t get it! I feel like I’ve helped this kid out for so long, the least he could do is look out for me too. My girlfriend thinks I should just let it go. Am I in the wrong here?

Signed, 

Resentful in Ridgewood

Sam is out this week but Avi is joined by acupuncturist Noah Rubinstein . Noah is clinic director at the Yinova Center in New York City, where he specializes in male reproductive and sexual issues. We discuss his background as a paramedic and the importance and challenges of cultivating balance. Our advice question this week is from a man who is struggling with feeling like the black sheep wherever he goes.We discuss his background as a paramedic and the importance and challenges of cultivating balance. Our advice question this week is from a man who is struggling with feeling like the black sheep wherever he goes.

Yinova Center

Hey Man, 

I need help with a problem that has plagued me for most of my life and gets in the way of enjoying it.

I grew up in a family that’s always placed a strong emphasis on money and achievement. And while my siblings and I are all managed to realize this in different ways, I’ve always been a bit of an outsider.  I’ve had lots of ups and downs along the way and it took me longer to find my footing in life. I’ve also just been different in the interests I’ve had, caring more about exploring the world and caring deeply about art. As a result, I often feel like the odd man out and there’s something wrong with me. I feel embarrassed about my hobbies and interests and I diminish what I do that would be considered good. I just assume that people don’t get me or understand me, which on some level I know is ridiculous. 

I’m over 40 and this gets in the way of most relationships that I have. How do I let this go to enjoy the rest of my life?

Signed, 

Black Sheep of Boerum Hill

We're back! Our guest this week is Zach Iscol. Zach is a combat veteran ,a grand marshall of the 2019 Veteran's Day parade and the founder of several companies, including Hirepurpose, Task & Purpose and Headstrong - a nonprofit dedicated to providing veterans with treatment for PTSD. Zach joins us to help give advice to a man who is struggling to take responsibility after screwing up at work.

Headstrong
Task & Purpose
Hirepurpose

Hey Man, 

I’m 24 years old and a little over a year ago, I got an office job after working at restaurants after college. The culture is very bro-ey (which is fine, I can fit in) and there’s a lot of good-natured teasing. But last month something happened and it’s making me want to leave this job. A few weeks ago, I completely slept through my alarm clock. I woke up to tons of texts from my office and panicked - I lied and said my mom had an emergency and I was helping her with it. I ended up calling out that day, came in the next day and seemingly everything was fine. Then, at our office Christmas party, management was handing out awards for the year. I expected to get one because I worked my ass off and was really disappointed when I was passed over. Then they gave out joke awards and I got “Most Likely to Skip Work.” People were laughing and someone even said, “How’s your mom?” as if they knew I was lying. I was completely mortified. I had even brought my girlfriend and she could tell I was pissed. I don’t know what to do. I feel so betrayed by these guys and embarrassed, I just want to look for a new job. This is not the first time they’ve done something that I felt crossed a line, but it feels like the last straw. What do you think? Should I stay or should I go?

Signed, 

Humiliated on Houston

Sam and Avi return next week after taking a few weeks off to rest, relax and record more episodes. We're excited to announce that new episodes of Hey, Man resume on Wednesdays starting in February. 

If you have a question that you need help with, get in touch! We'd love to feature you on the show. You can send us an email at [email protected]. 

We're joined this week by Hussein Kesvani, staff writer at MEL magazine and author of the book Follow Me Akhi: The Online World of British Muslims. In a special holiday themed episode, Hussein helps us give advice to a man whose deep loathing of Christmas is a source of tension in his relationship.

Hussein at MEL
On Twitter
Follow Me Akhi

Hey Man, 

I’m 40 years old and married to a wonderful woman. We’re compatible in many ways, but completely disagree about Christmas. I’m an atheist and she, while not being religious, loves Christmas. She came from a big Christian family and wants to carry on all of those traditions. Christmas music is playing after Thanksgiving, there are decorations, a tree, cookies, ugly sweaters, tons of cheap presents, holiday parties, traditions with old friends, the whole thing. I hate it. I hate the materialism and consumerism of it, I look at our country and see how it’s run by Christians and resent the influence they have over all of us. I want out! I also see how much it hurts my wife that I’m such a bad sport but I viscerally feel this. I wish we could be married for 11 months out of the year and I could just hibernate in December. What do I do?

Signed, 

Grinch in Greenwich Village

Cleo Stiller is the author of the recently published "Modern Manhood: Conversations about the Complicated World of Being a Good Man Today." We talk about #MeToo and the private questions men have been asking, and sharing with her, since then. Later, Cleo helps us answer a question from a man whose drinking is leading him to say regrettable things to his girlfriend.

Cleo's Book
Cleo's Website
Cleo's Instagram
Cleo's Twitter

Hey Man, 

I’m writing to you for some practical advice about an issue that’s come up between me and my girlfriend.  I’m 28 years old, work in marketing in New York City and have been dating the same woman for the last 2 years. Overall, our relationship has been great and we’re planning on moving in together in the Spring when her lease expires. Over the course of our relationship, there have been a few isolated moments where the same issue has come up: I get really drunk (like blackout or pretty close) and I found out in the morning that I have said some really mean things to her. I don’t remember saying any of these things and they’re not things that I really believe. For example, I might say things like “You’re such a fucking pushover, you let everyone walk all over you.” Or “I know you’re only with me because I make more money.” It’s horrible and hurtful and not true. I think it’s important to add: as a kid, I always had a reputation for being angry and out of control. I’ve worked really hard to temper that as I got older, so it’s really bothering me to hear myself described this way. 

I don’t think I have a drinking problem because this really just happens maybe once every three months, max. Usually after something like this happens, I cut back for a while, slowly start drinking again and then eventually drink too much. My entire social life revolves around drinking and so, on a weekend, it’s not uncommon for all of us (my girlfriend included) to be hanging out drinking for the better part of an afternoon or until late at night. I play in a lot of recreational sports leagues and usually we all get together to drink after a game. 

I have a high tolerance and it’s hard for me to notice when I’m getting drunk. All of a sudden, it’s too late. My girlfriend is telling me that if this doesn’t stop, she’ll break up with me, which would devastate me. But I’m also worried that if I stop drinking or drink less it’ll be weird in my social circle since so much of our hanging out has to do with drinking, playing drinking games, etc. What should I do?

Signed, 

Blacked out in Bushwick

Our guest this week is Andrew Leland. Andrew is currently writing a book about blindness for Penguin Press. He’s a contributing editor of the Believer magazine and hosts the Organist podcast. We talk to him about the experience of slowly going blind over his adulthood - ways in which there is loss, but also ways in which it's simply changed things. He also takes about the changes in how people engage with him as his blindness worsens. Later, he helps us with an advice question from a college student in a complicated friendship.

The Organist
Andrew's episode on 99 Percent Invisible
Andrew on Twitter
Andrew's Website

Hey man - I'm a 19 year old college student, and recently I've been really enjoying the relationship that I have with one of my female friends. We have been very mutually supporting of our respective dating lives recently, and supporting in other aspects of our lives as well. It feels like a very healthy dynamic that we have. However, I'm worried that she may have more than feelings of friendship for me at this point. She recently sent me a song which, in context, seemed like a confession. I'm really enjoying our friendship, and would very much prefer it to simply stay as such.

I have no idea how to deal with this situation! I can pretend I didn't listen to the song, and I could just play dumb and deflect, but neither of those seem like wise options. I also dont want to say something about her having feelings for me, and have that go south in the many ways it could.

Please help, I'm hopeless here!

Signed, 
Just Friends on Monteith Ave

We're joined this week by writer and Army veteran Adam Linehan. We discuss his experience serving in Iraq and Afghanistan and his struggle with survivor's guilt and PTSD after coming home. Later, Adam helps us give advice to a man who is worried about his bad habits when his girlfriend is out of town.

Adam's website
Adam's piece in the NY Times

Hey Man, 

I’ve started to notice a habit that I’ve slipped into that is worrying me. My girlfriend and I live together and she travels semi-regularly for her job. When she’s away, I tend to do the same thing every time: I smoke some weed, play video games and order way too much food on Seamless. I might do this for a day or two and then I feel totally gross and disgusting. The food in particular stresses me out. I feel remorseful and regret it and think about it during the week. I feel like I have to make up for it the rest of that week or month by eating really healthy, but then that almost fuels the desire to get stoned and get takeout again. As if I’ve somehow earned it by being good. I know a lot of guy friends who do something similar when their girlfriend’s go out of town, but I feel really guilty about this. She doesn’t know or has never mentioned it to me and I wouldn’t want her to know. What should I do?

Signed, 

Munchies in Midtown