High Maintenance Mommy

I’m sure some people will assume I’m automatically telling you to cut off your parents. No. But if you have a truly toxic parent, or caregiver who refuses help, then what options are left? I will never think it is ok to take someone abuse, simply because they are a parent. Or family member, as we all already know. Parents are no different. I talk about the lack of capacity for that type of love. Simply put, they are probably hurting themselves. Does this then justify the behavior? Absolutely not. I talk about shifting the responsibilities. It was the responsibility of the parent to be the caregiver that child needed. So why would a child be responsible for continuing a relationship that never met their needs to begin with? This is not to judge ANY parent, but boundaries aren’t about hating the other person. It’s about loving yourself enough to know that you deserve better, and no one gets a free pass to make you feel unimportant- even your parents. Through the actions of the parents, or lack there of, that is exactly what it feels like as a child. My needs and wants were never important enough to be acknowledged. It should never be the child’s responsibility to maintain the toxic relationship. It should fall in the parent to seek help. You will always love your parents, but it is never a child’s responsibility to counsel their parent for any reason.

Let’s be real with what I was getting at in episode one: let’s not raise future people pleasers. Let’s not raise kids who purposely try to make themselves more “likable” to please someone else’s feelings. Let’s raise kids who know boundaries, and know how to stand firmly in who they are. I could literally talk about this topic until the end of my days. To me, obedience means a future people pleasing adult. And I’m sorry, I just will never want that for my kid. Doesn’t society make us feel as though we have to “people please” enough? Excuse my French, but fuck that. No thanks. I’d rather raise a Beth Dutton, than a Jamie Dutton. I said what I said.

I take a back seat this week to truly let Jessica take the lead on this one. She has so much knowledge on the subject, and for those who have survived, it’s honestly Fucking refreshing. From trying to get out, to identifying if it’s abuse in the first place. It isn’t “awesome” that she went through it, but it is awesome being able to RELATE. So often society, and even your own inner circle, downplay emotional abuse. Intentionally or not, it can begin to make your feelings seem less valid. Not to mention people telling you, “Well, you chose them!” As Jessica says, “I didn’t choose abuse.” You didn’t choose abuse. I know I spent years just trying to realize the toll it took on me. Gaslighting has a way of doing that to a person! I had to be real with myself, and it was uncomfortable as hell. I can’t lie. No part of it is easy, but trust me, there can be peace on the other side. Her insight on the subject already made me feel less alone, and I can absolutely see why her clients trust her. We really attempted to ask questions that could help, and are even talking about a part two. I could have spent hours diving into the subject. Identifying signs, and listening to her perspective made a lot of things align for me- even now! Years and years later. Because the trauma doesn’t just go away, and healing isn’t linear. And as we all should know- THAT IS OK. But we all deserve peace. I hope this brings you some. Love you all.

Yes, I know a lot of people won’t give a shit. But I’m here to tell you, I NEVER thought I’d be here. I am living proof that shit could work out! Lol. But seriously, if you’re ever feeling like shit is just NOT coming together- there is a light at the end of that tunnel. Plus, we’re gearing up for the emotional abuse coach coming on next week! I truly want to help anyone who needs it, if you’re feeling a little stuck in your relationship. I love you all and kids or no kids- go after the life you want. Literally love your best life, sis! I love you all, and I’m engaged bitch!

Talking about gentle, or intentional, parenting. Also discussing how I don’t want my child to be perceived as “good” simply because they are agreeable. Or “obedient”. I want to raise a child that feels safe enough to tell me they didn’t like something, or don’t feel comfortable in situations. Not to be confused with a lack of boundaries. But rather letting a kid truly be a kid and be allowed to be inquisitive. For far too long we’ve expected children to “tow the line”, and it’s just not how I wanna do things around here!

If there is one thing I could tell my younger self it would be, is to have standards! Know what you deserve, and have the expectation that your partner SHOULD show up for you. You deserve all the things that should come with a genuine love. A love that isn’t transactional, or dependent purely on what you give. We all deserve healthy communication, and to be heard. Since I can’t tell my younger self that, and I don’t want to because it led me here, I will show my daughter. I will show her to love herself enough to know when to walk away- easier said than done. Trust me, I know! I can’t save her from everything, but I CAN control how I model the first romantic relationship she ever sees. Her father and I. And I will be damned if I don’t show up everyday and be present to the life I’ve always wanted. While also saying it’s ok to bitch about the hard parts! Just because you have a life worth living, doesn’t mean we won’t have bad days. And that it all ok too!

A part two to the initial discussion of generational traumas. What that looks like now, as a Mother. The days that can be tough, but we still show up and try our best. Even when it can feel overwhelming as all hell, and you are ready to take a nap right after you wake up, you still show it. It is hard setting the boundaries, and on top of it all feeling alone. That’s ok! I hope every Mom who feels the weight of feeling lonely due to lack of family feels seen in this episode.

Discussing being unapologetically yourself, while also trying to remain kind. Haley is a gem of a human who so graciously opens up about her own journey with infertility. Breaking patterns and living out your entire truth- whatever that looks like for YOU. Not only that, but she gives some insight into what it can feel like when people want to give their opinions, and how to hold true to who you are! On top of it all she is ALSO a boss babe running her own business. Seriously- check that out! We go over the importance of women supporting women and how fulfilling it can be when you are rooting for each other. It is not a competition. We all can learn from one another and be successful alongside one another. On a mission to build genuine connections via social media, and to ALWAYS make some our fellow ladies out there listening or watching (or both!) feel a little less alone. I encourage everyone to check it out, even to feel her bright light she puts out into the world. She also keeps it on hundred percent real all of the time. Which, I dont know about you, but it is honestly inspiring the HELL out of us over here. LOVE YOU GUYS ALWAYS.

I go a little deeper into my past, and my own demons I’ve had to fight. Also if you can find a gently used-to almost new village at a local goodwill? This is for my Mommas who struggled with their village, and who put forth boundaries to protect their peace. Who let go of anything that no longer serves them, so you can live authentically, and without constant fear. This is for the Moms who DID know how they were going to parent before having children, because they knew and promised they’d do better. I love you. It’s not always easy but so worth it! Come join me, and share your experiences! From the bottom of my heart, thank you to my tribe of people. My chosen family who got me here today.