Hold Your Horses: Idioms for Idiots

“Which wire could it be?” you wonder as the red numbers on the clock continue to disappear. Sweat pours down your forehead and into your eyes while you try to diffuse the 50 megaton explosive planted at the base of the satellite just about to launch. Hoping to avoid World War 3, you grip the pliers with a strength and precision unknown to mankind. It comes down to two wires, red and blue. As you confidently reach for the blue wire to severe its dastardly sinews, your phone chimes with a message. You’ve got to check, could be important. And indeed it is! A new episode of Hold Your Horses just dropped. You smile, thinking “Those boys are at it again.” And with that, you snip the blue wire, the numbers freeze, and the bomb is disarmed. Just another day at the office.

Ever think of starting a smart, fun, and successful podcast with some of your chums? Some might scoff and guffaw at you, saying to give up, “That’s just a pipe dream.” Well we horseman say NAY! Don’t listen to the haters and the naysayers, the negative Nancies and sour Sallies, the rude Rachels and the  mean Michelles, the glaring Guses and idiotic Ichabods. We say, start that podcast! Find a shed! Get some mics with your chums! Keep your chin up, Jimmy. Someday, maybe your show will be as good your favorite podcast…. It’s a new episode of Hold Your Horses!

“And so, you want to put the utter in between your thumb and forefinger,” the stoic farmer explained to the young boy standing next to him. Staring at the dirt, the boy was quiet. “Joash!” the farmer barked as he looked up at the boy. “Are you paying attention? I won’t always be here to show you how to do everything, that’s why I’m showing you now!” Joash patted the large cow in front of them on the rump as he readjusted to get a clear view of the dangling utters. “Yessir, I’m watching,” he muttered. “Good, now, as I was saying—” Just as the farmer was going to demonstrate again, the cow let out a huge moo and began faltering. Before the farmer could see what was happening, the cow fell in his direction and pinned him to the ground. “Great leaping leprechauns! Joash! I’m stuck, I can’t move. I can’t breathe! Go get help!” Joash sprang into action. “Yessir! I’ll be back in a jiffy,” he sang as he bolted out of sight. “Wha-? When are you coming back? I need help now!”

Sometimes, when I sit in solitude, sweet memories of my grandmother shower my weary mind. What a woman she was. Kind and knowing, fierce and faithful. She did have one annoying habit though, can you guess what it was? Suckin’ and slurpin’ her eggs without so much as a straw or spoon in sight! You outta be ashamed of yourself, granny, behavin’ like that! One could make the argument that if your idiom knowledge isn’t up to snuff, you’re as impolite as granny is sippin’ on those yolks! Don’t be uncouth and uncultured. Be sophisticated and suave. Debonaire with slicked-back hair! It’s an all new episode of Hold Your Horses!

Don’t let the title throw you off, cuz we’re throwing everything at you in this doozy of an episode! Hats, words, video; all of it. So whether you’re commuting, computing, road trippin’ or skinny dippin’, get ready to throw your hat into the ring and join us on another idiotic adventure through idiomland. Yours truly- The Three Horsemen. Let’s Ride!

Pass me the gravy and call me a cooked goose! We’ve got a savory and salivating helping for you hungry hippopotamuses. The horsemen deliver a dollop of dishes and desserts that will both tickle the funny bone and fill the tummy. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, our idiom has everything to do with the delectable delights the English language has to offer. An invariable smorgasbord of cakes and puddings, steaks and casseroles, goulash and ganache, tiramisu and au jus! Achoo! Bless you! Tissue? Get ready to lather on the laughs because it’s an all new serving of Hold Your Horses! Giddy-up, buttercup!

We’ve all had those days. You’re late for an interview and as you’re running on the sidewalk, so is a massive mastiff who decides to relieve itself in the exact spot that you step. Not only are you late, but you have to scrape off the fecal matter that has now affixed itself to the bottom of your shoe. If you do not take care of this, your potential employers will either wonder why you only own one shoe OR why they are interviewing someone who ushers in the pungent smell of a dog park. Your best bet is to clean that shoe and FAST. The shoe is clean and now you’re in the room. Handshakes and smiles, you need to make an impression in order to make up for being late. Instead of ignoring it, you confront it head-on and explain to the panel of high-level executives what exactly transpired on that sidewalk. You launch into a tirade about unaccompanied animals and how it’s a public disgrace that dogs are allowed to roam wherever and treat the city like their own personal toilet. They’re all nodding. The bearded one releases a small chuckle. To seal the deal and as a matter of personal revenge, you add that the offending dog was a mastiff. Suddenly, the room turns cold and all smiles are gone. The suits look over at their colleague who seems to be personally wounded by your words. Turns out, his lineage is from a long line of esteemed breeders who even bred dogs for President Theodore Roosevelt. Their breed of speciality? You guessed it— mastiff. The assistant quickly whisks you away and you’re back on the street. With all prospects gone and an empty refrigerator back at your apartment, it’s hard to feel like you haven’t totally lost your marbles. “Isn’t that an idiom?” You think. Grabbing your phone and headphones, you tap to your podcast platform of choice and see that your favorite show, Hold Your Horses: Idioms for Idiots just released a new episode. You pull your collar tighter and smile. Things are looking up already.

The number 9. We’re all familiar with his more popular roles. Love potion number 9, 9 lives, 9 o’clock, 9 inch nails, 9 ladies dancing, the whole 9 yards, 9 iron, and of course the 9 ringwraiths. And they make sense. They just make sense. But dressed to the 9’s??? Now that my friends is a riddle worth solving. So join us. We can do it.  And don’t forget to rate us 9 out of 9 stars.

Extra extra! Read all about it! A new Hold Your Horses episode just dropped! So head on over to your favorite podcast streaming service and get a load of this one! It’s a real doozy. But never fear, the fearless horsemen will deliver another delicious dollop of idiom idiocy as they weave and wander without sail or rudder through a sea of mostly mindless madness and ill fated attempts at glory. And in the drop of a hat the ride will come to a sudden and much needed end. So step on up and step on in and give this one a spin.

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What does it mean to be free? What does it mean to be Scot? And who is Scott? Is he great or is he not? Does he even matter? Find out in this episode of Hold Your Horses as we discuss the fascinating origin of the idiom ‘scot-free.’ We put a lot of thinking into this one (probably too much), so sit back, take off your thinking cap and let your brain get off scot-free as we navigate the murky waters of this idiom for you.