Holy Desires

When you desire physical intimacy much more than she does (or when she desires it much more than you) we tend to start asking things like, "what's wrong with her?" or "what's wrong with me?" Those questions rarely lead anywhere productive!

The better approach is to get curious about why.

The four pillars of desire are the most common areas that will put the brakes on desire. Each of these areas can absolutely be addressed, but each must be approached in a different way. That's why generic advice rarely works. You have to understand the dynamics going on below the surface in your marriage. Then you can start to make effective changes.

PDF mentioned in the show: The Four Pillars of Desire

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Get one of my free resources for Catholic Husbands who want to improve their intimacy:

🔥 Understanding Differences in Desire: The Four Pillars

>>> Get the free PDF guide here: https://canafeast.com/4pillars

⚔️ REWIRE: The Science of Porn Addiction

>>> Access the free 3-part video series here: https://canafeast.com/rewire

Two men wrote to me this week with the same question: “I’m not as attracted to my wife as I used to be. What do I do?” It can feel unsettling and helpless. But if you can relate to that, you aren't as helpless as you might think.

In this conversation, I share why attraction doesn’t have to be just spontaneous. You can intentionally cultivate your desire for your wife by paying attention to what you still find beautiful in her. On a related note, I talk about spontaneous vs. responsive desire, and how you can use responsive desire to open the door for intimacy, even if you don’t feel spontaneously attracted to your wife at the moment.

We’ll talk about loving the whole person, body and soul, and building an attraction rooted in the relationship you’ve grown together.

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Get one of my free resources for Catholic Husbands who want to improve their intimacy:

🔥 Understanding Differences in Desire: The Four Pillars

>>> Get the free PDF guide here: https://canafeast.com/4pillars

⚔️ REWIRE: The Science of Porn Addiction

>>> Access the free 3-part video series here: https://canafeast.com/rewire

God has entrusted you with a little corner of the world to cultivate: your marriage and your family. What kind of fruit is growing there? The vineyard readings from Isaiah and Matthew got me thinking about that question, and about how easily I can expect good fruit without doing the daily work of love (I'm preaching to myself here, too).

In this conversation, I'll share why the garden is such a helpful image for marriage, what tending it looks like through forgiveness, humility, and affection, and how that care connects to a mutually fulfilling life of intimacy. I'll also return to the wedding feast at Cana and the hope that God's grace can make more of your marriage than you could produce on your own, even through the struggles.

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Get one of my free resources for Catholic Husbands who want to improve their intimacy:

🔥 Understanding Differences in Desire: The Four Pillars

>>> Get the free PDF guide here: https://canafeast.com/4pillars

⚔️ REWIRE: The Science of Porn Addiction

>>> Access the free 3-part video series here: https://canafeast.com/rewire

Should Catholics talk openly about sex? I’ve been doing this long enough that I’ve heard some of the same objections come up over and over again. In this episode, I address four of them directly.

1) Some men worry that public conversations cheapen something sacred and private. 2) Others believe solid theology should be enough and that discussions about the practical aspects of sex aren’t needed. 3) Some have a hidden or acknowledged doubt that anything in their marriage can change, so it’s not worth trying. 4) Finally, a surprising number of men assume they have nothing to learn and no need to improve and that their wife is the only one who needs to change.

I share my thoughts on each one of these: We’ll talk about how respectful discretion can coexist with honest conversation, why theology still needs prudential application to live it our in the concrete realities of our lives, where hope comes from when your circumstances feel stuck, and why humility always begins with the man in the mirror. (I’m preaching to myself here too.)

Everything I teach in Holy Desires serves a deeper purpose: helping husbands love their wives, grow in holiness, and cultivate the joyful, connected marriage God designed for them. Enrollment for the Fall 2026 Holy Desires formation is open through Saturday, October 3. Learn more and join us.

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Get one of my free resources for Catholic Husbands who want to improve their intimacy:

🔥 Understanding Differences in Desire: The Four Pillars

>>> Get the free PDF guide here: https://canafeast.com/4pillars

⚔️ REWIRE: The Science of Porn Addiction

>>> Access the free 3-part video series here: https://canafeast.com/rewire

Most of us are quick to notice what our wife could do differently when marriage feels stuck. The harder but more effective question is the one we ask the man in the mirror: How am I showing up, and how is God asking me to grow?

In this conversation, I’ll share several insights from men who completed Holy Desires this spring, including why marriage is never 50/50, how changing your own steps changes the whole dance, and why taking responsibility for your heart, habits, and perspective is empowering rather than discouraging. We’ll also talk about your vocation as a husband, the call to love your wife all the way to heaven, and the tools that can help you cultivate a more vibrant, passionate, and faithful marriage.

Holy Desires, my program for Catholic husbands to to help them grow in intimacy with their wives, is designed specifically to give you the tools you need and the brotherhood to support you.

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Get one of my free resources for Catholic Husbands who want to improve their intimacy:

🔥 Understanding Differences in Desire: The Four Pillars

>>> Get the free PDF guide here: https://canafeast.com/4pillars

⚔️ REWIRE: The Science of Porn Addiction

>>> Access the free 3-part video series here: https://canafeast.com/rewire

The group of Catholic dads I was hanging out with all nodded with ironic, knowing smiles. Someone had just shared that no matter how successful you are at work, you always get knocked down a few notches when you come home.

Honestly, I've felt that too. Why is that?

The rules for success at work are not the same as the rules for success at home. Let's chat about the differences. Grab a coffee and join me.

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Get one of my free resources for Catholic Husbands who want to improve their intimacy:

🔥 Understanding Differences in Desire: The Four Pillars

>>> Get the free PDF guide here: https://canafeast.com/4pillars

⚔️ REWIRE: The Science of Porn Addiction

>>> Access the free 3-part video series here: https://canafeast.com/rewire

Most good Catholic men who want freedom from porn have been handed two tools: try harder and pray harder. Prayer and discipline matter deeply, but many men are still missing a map of what is happening in the brain and how healing takes place.

In this conversation, I’ll share why I made Rewire and why I'm making it free. We'll overview the science of how dopamine, supernormal stimuli, and neuroplasticity shape the struggle and discuss why understanding these processes can help you win the fight for freedom.

We’ll also talk about the difference between freedom from porn and freedom for the beautiful vision God designed for marriage. (Because tearing down lies is only part of the work.) You need truth, a plan, and something worth building in their place. Whether porn has been part of your story or you want to help a friend, brother, or son, I hope this gives you a way forward without shame.

Grab a cup of coffee and let's talk about it.

____________

Get one of my free resources for Catholic Husbands who want to improve their intimacy:

🔥 Understanding Differences in Desire: The Four Pillars

>>> Get the free PDF guide here: https://canafeast.com/4pillars

⚔️ REWIRE: The Science of Porn Addiction

>>> Access the free 3-part video series here: https://canafeast.com/rewire

There was a season when Sarah and I were basically roommates running a household together. Life got difficult. We got stressed. We let our marriage slip to the back burner without ever really deciding to.

In this chat, I'll share about the weekend that turned things around for us. I'll share what actually thawed the frost between us (including one rainy afternoon sitting in our parked car that I still remember vividly), why the warmth of your marriage is the soil that connection in the bedroom grows out of, and one small step you can take this week to add a little warmth at home. A marriage drifts toward cold on autopilot. The good news, the real good news, is that warmth can be rebuilt, in any season. Grab a cup of coffee and let's talk about it.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

🏖️ Abundant Live: For four weeks this July, Sarah and I walk with couples live through the most marriage-changing parts of our Abundant course. Enrollment is open through Sunday. www.canafeast.com/abundantlive

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Get one of my free resources for Catholic Husbands who want to improve their intimacy:

🔥 Understanding Differences in Desire: The Four Pillars

>>> Get the free PDF guide here: https://canafeast.com/4pillars

⚔️ REWIRE: The Science of Porn Addiction

>>> Access the free 3-part video series here: https://canafeast.com/rewire

Imagine taking your wife out to a beautiful dinner. You finish your appetizer, your entrée, and dessert while she has barely touched her first course. Then you sit back, satisfied, while she stays at the table hungry and unfulfilled.

St. Francis de Sales once used an extended dining metaphor to talk about married love, and I think it can teach us husbands something we really need to hear.

In this conversation, I'll share what the Catechism teaches about the purpose of sex in marriage, why a slower and more attentive approach leads to deeper pleasure and connection for both of you, and how a simple dinner date can reshape the way you love your wife.

Grab a cup of coffee and let's talk about it.

Resources mentioned in this episode: 📖 Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales.

____________

Get one of my free resources for Catholic Husbands who want to improve their intimacy:

🔥 Understanding Differences in Desire: The Four Pillars

>>> Get the free PDF guide here: https://canafeast.com/4pillars

⚔️ REWIRE: The Science of Porn Addiction

>>> Access the free 3-part video series here: https://canafeast.com/rewire

This is a touchy subject, and I almost didn't record it. What do you do when you have real feelings about your wife's changing body? Maybe it's weight. Maybe it's the way pregnancy, stress, illness, or just the years have changed her. Maybe you feel guilty for even noticing.

This conversation is not about your wife. This is about what's happening in our own hearts as husbands. In this discussion, I'll share why your wife's body is not a project to manage, what it looks like to love her the way Christ loves the Church, and whether a husband can ever bring up health without leaving his wife feeling one ounce of shame (there's a way that heals and a way that wounds).

I'll also share something Sarah said recently that prompted me to talk about this particular topic in the first place.

If your desire feels more complicated than it used to, you are not alone. There is a holy way forward.

Grab a cup of coffee and let's talk about it.

____________

Get one of my free resources for Catholic Husbands who want to improve their intimacy:

🔥 Understanding Differences in Desire: The Four Pillars

>>> Get the free PDF guide here: https://canafeast.com/4pillars

⚔️ REWIRE: The Science of Porn Addiction

>>> Access the free 3-part video series here: https://canafeast.com/rewire