In today’s special edition of How Dead the Mariners Are, we hear from Jack Weigand, a 25-year-old suffering from a particularly debilitating case of Mariners Fandom. He discusses how Julio Rodriguez hit a baseball directly to him from 438 feet away in Sunday’s game.

“My buddy, Jared, is like, ‘Give it to the kids, give it to the kids!’ Cuz it was Little League day [at T-Mobile Ballpark]… And I said, ‘FUCK NO!’ ”

In today’s edition of Pronouncing the Mariners Dead, I drive 65 miles per hour on Interstate 5 North while recording a half-assed recap of a game I didn’t watch, nor will I ever have any interest in thinking about ever again. I don’t recommend listening to this one.