How Did You Get Here with Verastic

This is one of the first topics I wrote down when I was dreaming about starting my podcast: why Africans don't have the African American perspective. From the moment I finally began to understand my African privilege and the struggles of my African-American brothers and sisters that I previously did not know of, I have tried to use my platform to tell all my fellow Africans.

African privilege is a thing that a lot of us, Africans, don't even know that we have. For us, we think that coming from Africa automatically means that we have no advantage or privilege. What I can say for sure is that once you know the truth, you cannot unknow it or disregard it or ignore it. It will hunt you and assault you. And for those who think that African American problems are strictly the African American's problems (and that they don't affect us), may I briefly turn your attention to your African American children?

Today's guest is Dr. Uju Anya.  She is a linguist and university professor in the field of language learning and teaching. She was born in Nigeria to an Igbo father and a mother from Trinidad and has lived in the United States since age 10. She’s a polyglot who speaks six languages, a single mother of two brilliant children, an atheist, and a politically outspoken lesbian.

She authored the book, Racialized identities in second language learning: Speaking blackness in Brazil (Routledge 2017), has written multiple journal articles, and engages in debates on multilingualism, feminism, pop culture, racial equity, and LGBTQ rights as a public intellectual on Twitter. She speaks regularly at invited lectures, conference keynotes, and leads workshops on race, gender, sexuality, equity and inclusiveness in education, and intercultural communication.

She is intelligent, informed, and eloquent. I knew I'd love her before I even recorded with her, and she did not disappoint at all. She just gave off that vibe, and it is always a breath of fresh air to meet people like her. You can connect with her via Twitter (best place), Instagram, and email: [email protected]. 

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Before I filed for divorce - in fact, before I even walked away from my marriage - I had never given a moment's thought to sex (or lack of it) during a divorce. I also did not know that the legal laws for sexing while divorcing varied from State to State. In my State, Maryland, for example, it is illegal to have sex with someone who is not your spouse, until your divorce is final. It does not matter if you are legally separated.

It was only when I separated from The Boy that I started receiving questions about my sex life. People wanted to know what who I was doing and how I was coping [without sex] and when last I had sex, etc. And then it dawned on me that I had never thought about the quality of my sex life while I was divorcing. But then again, the quality of my sex life while I was married was not memorable either.

In this week's episode, I have our very own Berry Dakara! Berry Dakara is currently going through divorce, and recently, she mentioned publicly on her Instagram that she had not had sex in a while. So, I thought to myself, well, why stop there? Let's go on the podcast and have an even more intimate conversation about sex. So, here we are.

Berry Dakara is a single-mother of one very beautiful daughter, Coco. She has worn a few hats as a Content Creator, starting with her first blog, the Aje-Butter's Guide to NYSC, and then her personal blog also named Berry Dakara. She has a Youtube channel that she hopes to resurrect one day, but her focus right now is on her podcast - Mommy Oyoyo - which she started in 2019 as a platform to talk about anything and everything motherhood from the modern African woman's perspective. 

Berry is Nigerian (half Ogoni-half Igbo) and has lived in the US for over 20 years. She enjoys spending time with her family, friends, but also treasures time alone to herself. Berry is a chronic oversharer (just check her Instagram posts) but does not plan to promote this episode on Facebook so her daddy will not scold her. Yes, of course, she's a punk.  You can connect with Berry Dakara on Twitter, and you can connect with the Mommy Oyoyo Podcast on Instagram too.

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My Sweet Potatoes!

Season two is upon us! Need I say more? The real question is are you ready? Or ARE YOU READY?

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Can women actually be divorced and happy? For some reason, being divorced and happy, especially for a woman, seems like it's mutually exclusive. I will not make the claim that all women are divorced and happy, but I can confidently say that any woman who gets divorced for the right reasons can be - and most likely is - divorced and happy.

Our culture abhors divorce. Our culture also abhors a free-thinking, independent woman because she is seen as rebellious and unsubmissive. You already know my thoughts on submission, right? Divorce is difficult on all counts, and the decision to get one should not be made lightly or easily.

Today's episode is a special request. A listener asked that I answer the question of whether a woman can be divorced and happy. Naturally, I have used myself as an example. In this episode, I also made references to my marriage, and how it ended, and as promised in the podcast, here's the link to read the full story about how my marriage ended. Quite honestly, I'm so glad that I have this link to refer to because it would be exhausting to tell this story over and over.

If you are a woman in the middle of a divorce or planning to get divorced or thinking about getting divorced, I understand the situation you're in, but I want you to know that there is so much life after divorce, and I hope that this episode lights a fire in your belly and calms your unrest.

If anyone ever has a special request for an episode or a blog post, please reach out to me, and I'll be happy to provide any and all information on the topic if I have it. This episode also includes a special announcement about the podcast. Please listen to find out more, and let me know your thoughts when you're done.

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"Vera, you're so strong!"

I've practically heard this for as long as I can remember. I heard it most when I left my marriage. People congratulated me for being so strong, for having the audacity to walk out of a marriage that was trampling me and robbing me of my peace. I did not understand why I was being congratulated. Should one not always leave a situation that is bad for them? But that's by the way.

To be strong, one has to be emotionally resilient.  Some people are strong because they've learned from other people who have coached them to be strong - through their words and/or their actions. And then there are people who are strong and emotionally resilient because life kicked them in the gut, and they had no other choice but to be strong.

Emotional resilience: one's ability to be kicked in the gut and fall down, but not stay down. One's ability to function in spite of everything else. One's ability to roll with the punches. One's ability to make lemonade out of lemons.

 Today's guest, Ruth Marimo, is a perfect example. She did not know her father, and she lost her mother at age 4 to suicide. She eventually married an abusive man whom she had to divorce and file a restraining order against. But wait, that's not all! She came out as a lesbian and she's also now an atheist. And this isn't even everything! You'd have to listen to the episode to find out more.

Tell me, how do you think life has been for her as an African woman? You think friends and family were happy that she was getting divorced? You think they patted her on her back for coming out? You think they shook her hand for becoming an atheist? Or do you think she stopped being included?

Today, Ruth Marimo is a 40-year-old single mom. She has authored two books: (1) a memoir titled ‘Outsider: Crossing Borders, Breaking Rules, Gaining pride’, which chronicles her immigration journey from her country of origin, Zimbabwe, as well as the complexities of being a multiple minority, and (2) a work of fiction titled ‘Indelicate Things.' She has a residential and commercial cleaning business called Ruth’s Cleaning Service that has been growing for 6 years.  When she is not busy raising her two kids, she speaks and fights for many causes including racial inequality, immigration reform, and LGBTQ equality.

Connect with Ruth Marimo on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. Also, please watch her TEDx talk.

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"I believe in asking the difficult questions, starting the uncomfortable conversations, proposing outside-the-box solutions, and of course, shaking tables. No, breaking tables." Verbatim, these words are in the intro of the I Am African Podcast because they are exactly why I started this podcast.

And today, I had the pleasure of speaking with Edafe Okporo about his life as an openly-gay Nigerian man. Make no mistake, Edafe is not a gay rights activist, although he is understandably outspoken on the issue. However, he wants you to know more about him than the person he shares a bed with. For example, Edafe is 6'1" and 205 pounds, and he describes himself simply as a speaker, an author, and a diversity expert.

Before Edafe moved to New York, he was a Pastor in a Redeemed Christian Church of God in Nigeria where he struggled with his sexuality. Eventually, he came out to the church, and while life was difficult then, it became unbearable when Nigeria passed the law against homosexuality. That was when Edafe found himself being attacked several times and had to flee to the United States for refuge.

Here's the thing: As Africans, we know ourselves. We know the "sin" that we like and the one we don't. An article I read stated that 94% of Africans do not approve of homosexuality. There are hindrances in the way of "approving" homosexuality, I get it - like culture, religion, personal preference, etc. This episode is not to convince you to suddenly love homosexuality. This is simply a conversation between two human beings, appealing to your human ears, to treat everybody as a body - a human body - because whether you agree with Edafe or not, he's still a human being, worthy and deserving of every good thing humans can have.

Here's the other thing: As Christians, we miss the mark too many times. Yes, I know not all who listen to this podcast are Christians, but this paragraph is specifically for the Christians. My Pastor always says it best, that our duties as Christians are to, "Love God, and love people." Please listen, and be guided.

You can connect with Edafe Okporo on Instagram, Twitter, and YouTube. You can also find out more about him on his website where you can also pre-order his new book coming out in October, called Compassion Is Worth More.

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Even now, I'm wondering if How Not To Say Yes When You Really Mean No is the appropriate title for this. But it's too late to change it. The podcast has been recorded, edited, and published. Perhaps, what I really should have named it is How Not To Spend Your Energy On Things You Really Don't Want. Either way, I suppose there's still an element of saying yes or no to something.

Listen and tell me your thoughts!

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I played a game of Never Have I Ever on Zoom for Uju's birthday in April, and it got me thinking about a whole lot. Although I knew it before, this game became living proof that indeed I need to stop being so safe and live already. There is so much I still have not experienced. Half the year is already gone, but it does not mean I can't start where I am right now, right? The past three weeks have been very dark - and that's putting it mildly - so I deliberately chose this topic for this week's episode. This is my attempt at keeping it light, in spite of the darkness. 

What are some things you are yet to experience but would love to?

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Sweet Potatoes,

So much is going on in the world right now. And I'm tired of starting sentences like this, but how can I be tired when some people have a worse fate? My fellow Nigerian women have been raped and killed with no repercussions to the rapist because of the rape culture in Nigeria.

In today's episode, I have the very smart and outspoken table-shaker, Omolara Oriya, an activist, human rights lawyer. We had a raw and authentic conversation about the rape culture in Nigeria, about the laws that not only excuse the rapists but also encourage them, all while leaving the victim bruised (sometimes dead) and guilty for the crime she did not actually commit.

Omolara answered so many questions that were asked in our Facebook group, and it was quite an experience picking her brain on this issue. If you'd like to connect with Omolara, here are the details: @OmolaraOriye on Instagram | @TheLaraOriye on Twitter | @AEInitiatives | Follow hashtag #StateOfEmergencyGBV | The Femme Law Collective | The Oriye Consultancy | The Superior Information on YouTube

Some of the resources Omolara mentioned for rape victims are WARIF and the Mirabel Center. We must annihilate rape and rape culture in Nigeria.

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Today's episode is not a regular episode, and I am not a regular Vera today either. I was so angry recording this episode. When I was listening back to it, I felt bad for the Vera who recorded it. I was angry that some Africans still don't know that they're Black in America, but I was angrier at the situation that calls for Africans to be reminded that they're Black too.

Some days ago, I did not go to bed till about 4AM because I was watching the news, watching buildings burn, and watching my people mourn. By the time I went to bed, you could cut my emotional tensity with a knife. I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and no one's shoulders were made to carry the world's weight.

As if Coronavirus isn't bad enough, we also have to deal with the fact that African Americans are disproportionately dying from this disease, and just when the lid is about to pop off, we also have to deal with Ahmaud Arbery and Breonna Taylor and Amy Cooper --- and now, George Floyd.

I'm angry.

And while I'm trying to maintain some sanity, I have to deal with Africans. Even the ones who have not crossed their villages in Africa have an opinion on African Americans.

Yes, I'm angry.

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Let's connect:

• I Am African on Instagram
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• Vera Ezimora on Instagram
• Vera Ezimora on Twitter
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• Monthly love notes in your email
• Web: www.verastic.com
• Email: [email protected]