In this solo episode, Eli dives into one of the most nuanced — and most needed — conversations in the world of relational health: the difference between genuinely being victimized and holding a victim mentality. With warmth and clarity, Eli walks you through the key markers of each, why abusive people often claim victim status, and why asking this question of yourself is actually a sign of health, not weakness.

• Being victimized and having a victim mentality are not the same thing — and confusing the two can keep you stuck in harmful dynamics.
• Claiming harm is not the same as being a victim — recognizing you've been hurt is an act of courage and wisdom.
• A victim mentality uses perceived harm to justify harming others — whereas genuine victimization leads you toward healing, safety, and self-protection.
• Abusive people commonly hold victim mentality — they often believe they are entitled to control and will frame any loss of control as being victimized.
• There is a critical difference between hurt and harm, discomfort and trauma — learning to distinguish them is one of the most important relational skills you can develop.
• If you're asking this question, you're probably not the problem — the very fact that you pause to reflect is a strong signal that you've experienced real harm, not that you're the one causing it.
• Victim mentality is rooted in developmental trauma — it gets passed down through families and is a signal that healing and support are needed, not shame.

• 📖 Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft — A foundational book on the mindset of abusive and controlling people. Referenced in this episode for Bancroft's research on how abusive individuals hold a distorted, entitlement-based view of the world.

Learn more about secure parenting:

https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

Connect with Eli:

• Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
• TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child:

https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Columbia-trained clinical psychologist and multiple NYT bestselling author, joins Eli to discuss her groundbreaking new companion books: Raising Conscious Sons and Raising Conscious Daughters.

Together they unpack the unique, gender-specific wounds our children carry — and what conscious parents can do to protect and restore their children's authentic selves.

• Boys can only become empathic and vulnerable when they are first allowed to accept their own imperfections — teaching "limitlessness" is actually a disservice.
• The father wound is often invisible: a father can be physically present but emotionally sealed off, and boys feel that absence in their bodies.
• Mothers who over-function out of anxiety unintentionally send their sons the message that they are not trusted or capable — step back and allow wide spaces for exploration.
• The 7 Pillars for Conscious Sons: Regulation, Competence, Vulnerability, Sovereignty, Sexuality and Power, Belonging, and Conscious Masculinity.
• The 7 Pillars for Conscious Daughters: Voice, Embodiment, Enoughness, Anti-Fragility, Boundaries, Self-Authorship, and Sisterhood.
• Appropriate developmental exposure is itself a form of protection — gradually increasing challenges builds resilience.
• Toxic femininity — self-abandonment, poor boundaries, passivity — is just as real as toxic masculinity, and daughters need to be taught the difference between authentic femininity and its distorted form.
• Parentified daughters — praised for being "mature" — are actually losing their sense of self long before their nervous systems are ready.
• Connection is the most powerful form of protection we can give our children (Eli Harwood).

Dr. Shefali Tsabary is a Columbia-trained clinical psychologist, founder of the Conscious Parenting movement, and multiple New York Times bestselling author whose work has been called "revolutionary" by Oprah Winfrey. Her new companion books, Raising Conscious Sons and Raising Conscious Daughters, release September 15, 2026.

• 🌐 Website: https://www.drshefali.com/about/
• 📚 Parenting Summit (September 8–10, 2026; check current access): https://raisingconscious.drshefali.com/summit/
• 🎤 Book Tour Info: https://raisingconscious.drshefali.com/tour/

• 📖 Raising Conscious Sons — Official book page
• 📖 Raising Conscious Daughters — Official book page
• 📖 Dr. Shefali's full book catalog: https://www.drshefali.com/books/

• 📖 Raising Securely Attached Kids by Eli Harwood — Amazon | Publisher (Penguin Random House)

• 🔬 Alleged Meta/Facebook deleted-selfie ad targeting discussed in the interview — Allegations from former Facebook policy director Sarah Wynn-Williams, reported by Futurism and covered by Yahoo Tech
• 🔬 Brené Brown's research on vulnerability — Daring Greatly on Amazon | Brené Brown's TED Talk: "The Power of Vulnerability"

• 🤝 Big Brothers Big Sisters of America — https://www.bbbs.org
• 🏋️ Boys & Girls Club of America — https://www.bgca.org
• 🏊 YMCA (The Y) — https://www.ymca.org

Learn more about secure parenting:

https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

Connect with Eli:

• Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
• TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child:

https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

What if feeling unworthy isn't a flaw — it's a memory? In this deeply moving episode, Eli sits down with NYT bestselling psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco to unpack the science of self-worth: where it comes from, why it gets stuck, and how you can actually change it. From memory reconsolidation and inner child healing to attunement, identity, and the power of community, this conversation is a must-listen for anyone breaking generational cycles.

Key Takeaways

• Worthiness = treating your internal world as if it matters. It's not about feeling superior — it's about validating your feelings and using them as information.

• There are two types of high self-esteem. One comes at others' expense (grandiosity). The other — "Type C" — is compassionate, connected, and the kind worth building.

• Memories are the database of self-esteem. They don't just record the past — they predict the future. That's why compliments feel threatening and success feels suspicious when we feel unworthy.

• You can change the past — at the neural level. Memory reconsolidation research shows that revisiting painful memories and picturing a different outcome literally changes how those memories live in your brain, including in the hippocampus.

• Stigma shows up as self-surveillance. People from marginalized groups often begin to see themselves through the negative lens of others — and the antidote is curating community and media that reflect more positive, affirming identities.

• Attunement is the master skill. Listening deeply to yourself, your children, and your relationships — and allowing multiple realities to coexist — is the foundation of both worthiness and connection.

• You don't have to feel worthy to be worthy. Worth is inherent. Self-worth is the felt sense of it — and that can be developed, no matter where you're starting from.

About the Guest

Dr. Marisa G. Franco is a psychologist, professor at the University of Maryland, TED speaker, and NYT bestselling author. Her new book Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment explores the cutting-edge science of memory, stigma, and identity to help readers build lasting self-worth from the inside out. She is also the author of the instant NYT bestseller Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.

• 🌐 Website: drmarisagfranco.com: https://drmarisagfranco.com

• 📸 Instagram: @drmarisagfranco: https://www.instagram.com/drmarisagfranco/

• 📬 Substack: Attached by Dr. Marisa G. Franco: https://drmarisagfranco.substack.com/

Resources Mentioned

• 📘 Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment by Dr. Marisa G. Franco

◦ Publisher (Penguin Random House): https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/784327/worth-by-marisa-g-franco-phd/

◦ Amazon (Audiobook): https://www.amazon.com/Worth-Science-Self-Esteem-Secure-Attachment/dp/B0GGNPKM6S

• 📘 Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends by Dr. Marisa G. Franco

◦ Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Platonic-Science-Attachment-Make-Keep-Friends/dp/0593331893

• 📘 Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison (referenced in discussion of stigma and self-perception)

◦ Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Invisible-Man-Novel-Ralph-Ellison/dp/0375507914

• 📘 Entangled Life: How Fungi Make Our Worlds, Change Our Minds & Shape Our Futures by Merlin Sheldrake (referenced in discussion of humans as ecologies, not individuals)

◦ Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Entangled-Life-Fungi-Worlds-Futures/dp/0525510311

• 🔬 Memory Reconsolidation Research (the neuroscience of updating emotional memories)

◦ Springer: How Memory Reconsolidation Advances Psychotherapy: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10615-020-00754-z

◦ NIH: Reconsolidation Therapies for PTSD (Systematic Review): https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8417130/

Connect

Learn more about secure parenting:

https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

Connect with Eli:

• Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/

• TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child:

https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

Eli sits down with Eve Rodsky — Harvard-trained lawyer, NYT bestselling author, and founder of the Fair Play movement — to dig into the invisible crisis hiding in most partnerships: the unequal mental load.

From the blueberries text that changed everything to a card system now translated into 27 languages, Eve shares why fairness in the home isn't just a relationship issue — it's a systemic one.

This is a must-listen for anyone who has ever thought, "Why am I the only one who notices what needs to be done?"

• The mental load gap is not personal — it's structural. Women shoulder two-thirds or more of unpaid domestic labor, and even the best-intentioned partners do 5–15 hours less per week once kids arrive.
• Over-functioning is a symptom of broken accountability and trust, not a personality flaw.
• The CPE model (Conception → Planning → Execution) explains why "going to the store" is only one-third of the work — and why standards aren't "too high" when you own the full task.
• Toxic time messages ("I should just do it myself," "I don't have bandwidth to teach him") keep women stuck in the cycle.
• The Fair Play system works for neurodivergent families too — because it's a system, not a reliance on internal motivation.
• The magic of parenting lives in the mundane moments. Sharing the load invites your partner into those moments — it's a gift, not a punishment.
• Fairness requires fighting — against cultural norms, school systems, extended family patterns, and the pay gap. Becoming a "cultural warrior" together is the goal.

Eve Rodsky is a Harvard-trained lawyer, organizational management expert, and NYT bestselling author of Fair Play. After sobbing on the side of the road over a text from her husband about blueberries, she spent 15 years researching the gendered division of labor across 27+ countries. Her work has evolved into a full movement, a nonprofit policy institute, and a card deck used by couples worldwide.

• 🌐 Website: https://www.everodsky.com
• 📘 Fair Play Life: https://www.fairplaylife.com
• 📸 Instagram (Eve): https://www.instagram.com/everodsky/
• 📸 Instagram (Fair Play): https://www.instagram.com/fairplaylife/
• 🏛️ Fair Play Policy Institute: https://fairplaypolicy.org

• 📖 Fair Play (book) by Eve Rodsky — Amazon
• 🃏 The Fair Play Deck (card deck) by Eve Rodsky — Amazon | Penguin Random House
• 🆓 Free Fair Play Resources (nonprofit downloads) — https://www.fairplaylife.com
• 🏛️ Fair Play Policy Institute (systemic advocacy work) — https://fairplaypolicy.org
• 🎓 Darby Saxbe, PhD — USC Professor of Psychology, Fair Play research collaborator — USC Profile
• 📊 USC/Fair Play Policy Institute Study (2024): The Fair Play Method: Can We Solve for the Unequal Division of Domestic Labor? — Read the research
• 👩‍⚕️ Tovah Klein, PhD — Director, Barnard College Center for Toddler Development (quoted: "all bonding comes in the spaces in between") — Barnard Profile
• 🎬 Fair Play Documentary (dir. Jennifer Siebel Newsom, Hello Sunshine) — https://www.fairplaylife.com/documentary

Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

Connect with Eli:

• Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
• TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

Eli sits down with board-certified psychiatrist and ADHD specialist Dr. Sasha Hamdani to unpack one of the most misunderstood emotional experiences: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Together they explore the neuroscience behind why some of us feel rejection so intensely — and why that sensitivity might actually be a gift. Dr. Hamdani also shares personal stories and practical tools from her upcoming book, Too Sensitive: Rejection, Resilience, and the Science of Feeling Deeply.

• RSD is not a personality flaw — it's a neurological response rooted in how your brain is wired, involving amygdala hyperactivity, dopamine dysregulation, and weaker prefrontal override.
• Sensitivity has roots in multiple places: genetics, attachment history, identity-based rejection (racism, homophobia, misogyny), and hormonal fluctuations all play a role.
• Emotional sensitivity ≠ weakness. When paired with the right tools, it becomes emotional intelligence — a true superpower in relationships and caregiving.
• Your body tells you what you're feeling before your brain catches up. Learning where RSD lands in your body (chest, stomach, head) is the critical first step.
• Movement is a powerful acute tool for interrupting RSD spirals — it pushes oxygenated glucose to the frontal lobe to help override the emotional response.
• Attachment styles shape how we cope with RSD: some people cling, some flee — both are adaptations, not character defects.
• Making more noise about RSD matters — it's not yet a formal DSM diagnosis, but clinical advocates like Dr. Hamdani are working to change that.

Dr. Sasha Hamdani, MD is a board-certified psychiatrist and ADHD clinical expert specializing in RSD and emotional regulation. She reaches over 2 million followers across social media with evidence-backed mental health content, and has been recognized by Harvard as a public health leader. She is the creator of the FocusGenie ADHD management app and the author of Self-Care for People with ADHD (2023). Her groundbreaking new book, Too Sensitive: Rejection, Resilience, and the Science of Feeling Deeply, publishes August 25, 2026.

• 🌐 Website: drhamdanimd.com
• 📸 Instagram: @thepsychdoctormd
• 🎵 TikTok: @thepsychdoctormd
• ▶️ YouTube: @thepsychdoctormd

• 📖 Too Sensitive: Rejection, Resilience, and the Science of Feeling Deeply by Dr. Sasha Hamdani MD — Pre-order on Amazon (Pub. August 25, 2026)
• 📱 FocusGenie App — Dr. Hamdani's ADHD management app (the first created by a board-certified psychiatrist)
• 🧠 What Is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? — Cleveland Clinic — Overview of RSD, its link to ADHD, and what's happening in the brain
• 📄 RSD & ADHD Emotional Dysregulation — ADDitude Magazine — Deep dive into RSD as a symptom of ADHD
• 🏥 Dr. Hamdani's Practice — Book an appointment or learn more

Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

Connect with Eli:

• Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
• TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

In this episode, Eli sits down with Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani), a child development specialist with a PhD from Tufts University, to explore the concept of "heart safety" — teaching children that their inner emotional world belongs to them and cannot be rearranged by someone else.

Drawing from both personal lived experience as a bonus mom and rigorous research, Dr. Naaila shares a compassionate, nuanced framework for helping kids recognize emotionally manipulative behaviors, trust their own instincts, and stay safe — without having to sever love from protection.

• Heart safety is as important as body safety. Just as we teach kids "your body belongs to you," we need to teach them their inner world — feelings, perceptions, sense of self — belongs to them too.
• Manipulation exists on a spectrum. From a tired parent saying "you're fine" to genuinely harmful conditional love — many behaviors, unintentionally or not, ask a child to ignore what they feel.
• Fear and discernment are opposites. A frightened child freezes or fawns. A discerning child notices something feels off and trusts that noticing. That trust is the goal.
• Children turn confusion inward as self-blame. When something feels off but no one names it, kids often conclude they did something wrong — a wound that follows them into adulthood.
• The DARVO pattern (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender) is used by highly manipulative people, and it's important for kids to know they may not always be safe to speak up directly.
• Don't label the other parent — name the behavior's impact. Help children notice what doesn't feel good without putting the burden of intent analysis on them.
• The loyalty bind is real. Children in high-conflict co-parenting situations often gravitate toward the more manipulative parent to stay safe — making unconditional love from the safe parent even more essential.
• Start young. You can begin conversations about emotions, what feels good and what doesn't, as early as 18 months to 2 years old.
• Kids are allowed to say whatever keeps them safe in the moment. They can debrief and process with a safe adult after.

Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani) is an applied developmental scientist with a Ph.D. in Child Study and Human Development from Tufts University. She specializes in the role adults play in positive youth development and helps parents navigate high-conflict and toxic co-parenting situations. She is also a bonus mom, and her personal experience navigating a manipulative co-parenting dynamic is the foundation of her work.

• 🌐 Website: parenting-mindfully.com
• 📘 Book: Seeds of Self-Trust — 25 read-aloud stories for ages 4–8 (also deeply resonant for adults)
• 📺 YouTube: Parenting Mindfully with Dr. Naaila Hudani
• 📸 Instagram: @drnaaila_parentingmindfully

• 📗 Seeds of Self-Trust by Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani) — seedsofselftrust.com — 25 read-aloud stories for children ages 4–8 on recognizing emotionally manipulative dynamics
• 🏫 Making Caring Common — Dr. Rick Weissbourd's project at the Harvard Graduate School of Education on raising empathetic, ethical children — mcc.gse.harvard.edu
• 👤 Dr. Richard Weissbourd — Senior Lecturer & Faculty Director, Making Caring Common, Harvard GSE — Faculty Profile
• 📕 Street Smarts: Trust Your Instincts, Outsmart Danger, and Stay Safe in a World That Isn't by Dannah Eve — includes the "Lie to Survive" framework — Amazon
• 🔐 Secure Parenting Program by Eli — attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program
• 📖 The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz — Referenced in conversation ("Don't take it personally") — Amazon

• 🌐 Website: attachmentnerd.com
• 📸 Instagram: @attachmentnerd
• 🎵 TikTok: @attachmentnerd

Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

Connect with Eli:

• Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
• TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

In this solo episode, Eli Harwood (the Attachment Nerd) unpacks one of the most misunderstood intersections in modern parenting: raising a neurodivergent child while trying to break generational cycles. With personal stories from parenting her own AuDHD daughter, Eli walks through the full sensory landscape — including the three "hidden" senses — and explains how to adapt secure attachment practices to meet your neurodiverse child where they actually are.

• Neurodivergent kids experience the world through a different sensory prism — not just the classic 5 senses, but also neuroception, interoception, and proprioception. Understanding which senses your child is over- or under-sensitive to changes everything about how you approach their meltdowns.
• Empathy that works for neurotypical kids can amplify distress in neurodivergent kids. When a neurodivergent child is already flooded across multiple sensory systems, offering big gooey empathy can escalate — not soothe — their dysregulation.
• Accommodation is not permissive parenting. Adjusting your child's environment to match their nervous system's needs is scaffolding, not weakness. The goal is gradual growth at the stage they can handle it.
• Believe them. If your child says the lights are too bright, the smell is too strong, or the touch is too much — believe them. Their nervous system is telling the truth, even if it doesn't match your experience.
• Community is a survival tool. Parenting a neurodivergent child requires more regulation, more support, and more stamina than neurotypical parenting — and you cannot generate that alone.
• Secure attachment with a neurodivergent child looks different. A child running to their cozy corner instead of into your arms is not rejecting you — it's their nervous system seeking the regulation it needs. Your job is to follow slowly and ask what they need.

• 🔗 Big Little Feelings (Kristin Gallant) — "Believe them" — https://biglittlefeelings.com
• 🔗 AuDHD: Understanding Autism + ADHD Co-Occurrence — Child Mind Institute explainer: https://childmind.org/article/what-is-audhd/
• 🔗 Interoception & Sensory Processing Challenges — Understood.org: https://www.understood.org/en/articles/interoception-and-sensory-processing-challenges
• 🔗 The 8 Senses Explained for Neurodivergent Kids — Neurodivergent Insights: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/8-senses/
• 🔗 Weighted Stuffed Animals for Autism & Sensory Regulation — Autism Parenting Magazine: https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/autism-and-stuffed-animals/
• 🔗 Secure Parenting Program (includes monthly Neurodivergent Support Group): https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

Connect with Eli:

• Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
• TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

Eli sits down with international parenting coach and author Mary Van Geffen to talk about raising "spicy ones" — those intense, strong-willed, wonderfully complex children who need more than most parenting books can offer. Together they unpack what it means to be the parent of a spicy child, how our own childhood wounds get triggered by these kids, and what it actually looks like in the messy, real moments to stay regulated and connected.

• A "spicy one" is a child who is more loyal to their own soul than to your adult agenda — and that's actually a gift, not a defect.
• Our spicy, strong-willed children are heat-seeking hovercrafts for whatever is unhealed inside of us.
• You cannot regulate a threat — if your nervous system reads your child as danger, you must build your own capacity first.
• During a violent meltdown: be the calmest person in the room, use your body not your words, and create a physically safe environment.
• Playfulness — not threats, not logic — is often the fastest route back from the edge of dysregulation.
• Your child's emotional intensity is not premeditated aggression; it is an "emotional seizure" they are also helpless to.
• Stop making your spicy child "digestible" to others. Your job is to make them feel unconditionally and wholly loved.
• Accepting how your child connects (not how you wish they would) is one of the most loving things you can do.
• We need to live in hope, not fear, with our spicy ones — the script we write for them shapes their future.
• The qualities we find hardest to manage in our children are often the very things we were shamed for in ourselves.

Mary Van Geffen is an international parenting coach for Moms of Spicy Ones® and a Spicy One herself. She is a certified Simplicity Parenting Counselor® and Professional Co-Active Coach® who has transformed the lives of over 8,000 families through her group coaching and on-demand digital courses. Her new book, Parenting a Spicy One, is a compassionate guide for raising deep-feeling, wonderfully strong-willed kids.

• 🌐 Website: https://www.maryvangeffen.com
• 📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/maryvangeffen
• 📖 Book Page: https://www.maryvangeffen.com/parentingaspicyonebook

• 📗 Parenting a Spicy One by Mary Van Geffen — Amazon | Author's Site
• 📘 Parenting by Connection (booklet series) by Patty Wipfler / Hand in Hand Parenting — Amazon
• 📙 Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges by Patty Wipfler — Amazon
• 📕 Yesteryear by Caro Claire Burke (mentioned in passing) — Amazon
• 📗 Vera Wong's Unsolicited Advice for Murderers by Jesse Q. Sutanto (mentioned in passing) — Amazon

• 🧠 Maternal Brain Changes & the Amygdala (referenced in discussion of sensory changes in motherhood) — The Maternal Brain and Its Plasticity in Humans – PMC

Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

Connect with Eli:

• Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
• TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

What if the secret to fewer tantrums, less mealtime drama, and a deeper connection with your kids wasn't stricter rules — but more play? In this episode, Eli sits down with Dr. Kim Van Dusen, PsyD, licensed marriage and family therapist and registered play therapist known as The Parentologist, to talk about how to weave playfulness into the everyday moments of parenting — even if you don't think you have a playful bone in your body. From gamifying chores to helping traumatized children feel safe, Dr. Kim shows us that play is the universal language of childhood, and learning to speak it changes everything.

• You don't have to sit on the floor for 30 minutes to be a playful parent. Dr. Kim calls them "playful pockets of time" — small, creative moments woven throughout the day (swapping a fork for tongs, cutting a sandwich into a fun shape) that shift the entire energy of parenting.
• Gamifying works. From racing to make the bed to "freeze clean" during chores, turning tasks into games eliminates power struggles and gets the job done — without the drama.
• Play is the language of children, especially those who have experienced trauma. When kids can't (or won't) speak about their pain, drawing, playing, and creating tells the story instead — and your job is to listen to the play.
• Safety and trust come before play with kids from hard places. If a child doesn't feel safe, they won't connect — and connection must come before cooperation.
• Picky eating is a sensory experience. Research shows it can take up to 8–24 exposures before a child accepts a new food. Changing the texture, presentation, or even the serving vessel (hello, dump truck plate!) is exposure therapy in disguise.
• Outcomes vs. Consequences: Dr. Kim prefers the word "outcomes" because it removes the punitive connotation. Natural outcomes, do-overs, and choice-giving are more effective — and less stressful — than punishment.
• Structure is nurture's best friend. Playfulness and limits work together. Kids need both deep connection AND predictable boundaries to feel truly secure.

Dr. Kim Van Dusen, PsyD, LMFT, RPT — known as The Parentologist — is a licensed marriage and family therapist, registered play therapist, university professor, and mom of two based in Southern California. With nearly 25 years of experience, she helps parents transform their relationships with their children by learning to speak the universal language of play. She is the author of Parenting Through Play and hosts The Parentologist Podcast.

• 🌐 Website: theparentologist.com
• 📸 Instagram: @theparentologist
• 🎙️ Podcast: The Parentologist Podcast
• 📕 Book: Parenting Through Play on Amazon

• 📕 Parenting Through Play by Dr. Kim Van Dusen (Amazon) — Dr. Kim's new book covering playful pockets of time, gamification, do-overs, outcomes, sensory food strategies, and more. Available in paperback and audiobook (narrated by Dr. Kim herself).
• 🔬 Food Exposure Research — ASHA Leader: How Many Exposures for Selective Eaters? — Research showing it takes 8–15+ exposures before a child accepts a new food.
• 🔬 Repeated Exposure to Food & Food Acceptability — NIH/NCBI Systematic Review — The peer-reviewed evidence base behind the food exposure approach Dr. Kim references.
• 🔬 Child-Centered Play Therapy for Trauma — PMC Systematic Review — Research on play therapy effectiveness for children who have experienced traumatic events.
• 🏡 Secure Parenting Program — Attachment Nerd

Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

Connect with Eli:

• Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
• TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

Eli Harwood sits down with Dr. Marc Brackett — founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and bestselling author — to tackle one of modern parenting's biggest challenges: how do we raise emotionally intelligent kids when most of us never received an emotion education ourselves? Marc shares the science behind his RULER framework, why "there is no such thing as a bad emotion," and the practical strategies every parent needs to start using today.

• Accumulate emotion knowledge first. None of us got an "emotion education" growing up — reading research-backed books and resources is step one.
• There is no such thing as a bad emotion. Giving your child permission to feel — including anxiety, anger, and sadness — is a radical and necessary first step.
• Your go-to regulation strategies may not work for your child. Think of your role as setting a buffet of options, not telling your child what to eat.
• Emotional granularity matters. The difference between "frustrated" and "disappointed" isn't semantic — naming the exact emotion helps regulate it.
• 90% of negative self-talk was caught from other people. Gaslighting from caregivers in childhood becomes our inner critic as adults.
• Your emotion regulation budget includes sleep, nutrition, and movement. Nine times out of ten, when a parent can't meet their own goals, poor sleep is the barrier.
• Co-regulation requires non-judgment. What our kids are begging for, above all else, is a parent who won't judge them in the middle of big feelings.
• Emotional intelligence is a lifelong practice — not something you master. Every day is a new opportunity.

Dr. Marc Brackett is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and a professor in the Child Study Center at Yale University. He is the author of the USA Today bestselling book Dealing with Feeling and the internationally bestselling Permission to Feel (translated into 27 languages). Marc is the lead developer of RULER, an evidence-based social-emotional learning framework adopted by over 5,000 schools worldwide. He also co-created the free How We Feel app with Pinterest co-founder Ben Silbermann.

• 🌐 Website: marcbrackett.com

• 📘 Dealing with Feeling by Marc Brackett — Marc's newest book on practical emotion regulation strategies
• 📗 Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett — Marc's landmark bestseller on emotional intelligence
• 📙 Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck — Referenced in the conversation re: growth mindset and parenting

• 📱 How We Feel App — Marc's free, science-based emotion-tracking and regulation app (iOS & Android)
• 🎴 The Point of Connection Game — Marc's conversation card deck for building emotional connection with family and friends

• 🏫 RULER Approach — Marc's evidence-based SEL framework, adopted in 5,000+ schools worldwide
• 🔬 Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence — Marc's research home base
• ❤️ Harvard Study of Adult Development — The 85-year study on happiness referenced by Eli (close relationships = #1 predictor of wellbeing)

• Website: marcbrackett.com

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